...on Tickling, Jackass Boyfriends

http://www.slate.com/id/2233828/ (orig. 10/29/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There


Ahoy there Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this absolutely fantastic and fine, fine Prudie Day? I hope that you had a great week and that the weather wasn’t too bad for you? I’m enjoying the new lagoon here, all its visitors, old and new, and the relaxed mojo of the whole place. I do apologize for having to post a bit later in the day than what you grew accustomed to in The Fray. Working in a new lagoon sometimes forces new schedules and rules, so, we just have to do our best with what we’ve got, eh? Anyway, enough of my blubbering. On to the letters!

LW#1: Prudie, I’m ticklish. Not the kind of ticklish where I laugh, maybe pee myself, and then attack back, but rather the kind that actually feels painful, both physically and emotionally. The kind that gives me headaches after someone tickles me. The kind that is genuinely miserable. Regardless, my jackass boyfriend likes to tickle me. A lot. Even though I’ve explained to him that not only do I not like it, but that it makes me feel vulnerable and not in control of my body. He says that I must like it because I’m laughing when he does it. Further, he says I need to learn to control my mind better. Other than these tiny flaws, though, oh, wow, he’s a sweet, caring love muffin! What can I do to convince him to stop with the tickling and the jackass Zen master advice? If I were you? I’d kick him in the nuts! As hard as I possibly could. At some time that he’s completely not expecting it. Tell him that it can’t possibly hurt since all he has to do is learn to convince himself that the pain is actually pleasurable. Tell him that he might actually be able to learn to reach orgasm in this manner. Further, if I were you, I’d look up the meaning of the words “sweet” and “caring” and learn the definitions, because currently you have absolutely no clue what they mean. Oh, and in case you didn’t hear Prudie, I’d also leave this jackass.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my mom is celebrating 6 years of sobriety this month and would like to have lunch out to talk about my childhood--something she missed entirely due to living in an alcohol-induced stupor. I was put off by what seems like a cursory request (I mean, who can go over their entire childhood over lunch?!) and suggested instead that I write it down for her. Well, I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to write it down. The effort is not going to do me any good and it might even piss me off! Hell, it’s pissing me off just thinking about doing it! I’m happy for my mom’s sobriety, but, I’m not ready to tell her about my childhood. What should I do? If I were you? I’d kick her in the nuts! No, just kidding. Listen, there are two people here who need some healing (at least two) and you can’t possibly unconditionally help your mom find hers until you’ve found yours. I’m not saying you can‘t be supportive. I’m not saying that you can’t be a friend and a daughter. But anyone who could ask you to go over your childhood “over lunch” still has some issues to address with their disease. She’s minimizing your childhood because, considering she missed it all, it’s emotionally easier on her to do so. It’s easier to feel less guilty about something that can be discussed over lunch versus something real that would take, literally, months or even years to really get into. There is a lot of emotions and experiences to be hashed over there. So, until you’re healed, or a lot closer to it, this is simply a road that you can’t help your mother navigate. Tell her that. And why. She needs to hear it. And I think you need to say it, too.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I’m new to “grown-up” socializing and I want to throw a dinner party for all of the gang from grad school. My apartment is small, though, and I can’t have them and their spouses/significant others over all at once. Plus, I don’t like their spouses/significant others! How can I do an invite that will let it be known that I only want my friends to come, but not their freeloading parasite partners? If I were you? I’d kick myself in the nuts! Seriously. Dude, what the fuck is your major malfunction? You went through grad school, eh? How on god’s green Earth did you manage that feat around a handful of people who seem to like you and who didn’t kill you due to your assholism? The solution to your problem is so simple as to be (almost) a waste of electrons in typing it, but, in case you really are a complete and total dumbass and not just trying to get a rise out of me, I’ll share. Either have the party at a restaurant or some other large place that can accommodate everyone, or, invite them in more than one group, on more than one night, but with their spouses . However, you’ve already figure that out on your own, haven’t you? You’re just a selfish shit who wants your friends to come over by themselves. Fine. Invite them exactly how you want to. Put on the invitations “Grad School Buds Only! No Significant Others!” See how many people show. But hey, next time you won’t have to worry. Your “friends”, most of them anyway, won’t be taking your invitations, so this may work out just fine for your “problem”.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, we adopted our daughter when she was five. We’ve been able to allow her to meet and communicate with her birth family through a really great, wonderful therapist. Now that our daughter is 12, though, she doesn’t really want to communicate with them. We want to have a nice, peaceful, open adoption plan so that we can brag to everyone who’ll listen that my partner and I are such wonderful adoptive parents--oh, and, too, because keeping in touch with her family will be good for her. To that end, should I force the issue of calls and visits? Do I hear a two-person nut kicking coming on? Holy hot fucking hell, asshole. Are you honestly that clueless? You’ve raised your daughter for the last seven years, but have no more respect for her feelings and emotions than that? Where did that really great therapist go? Or did you drop him/her when bragging about your daughter’s emotional progress had no more effect on your friends? Your daughter is one big screaming hormone right now. She’s entering the most difficult stage of childhood and she’s going to need the ability to set boundaries for herself. And she’s going to need parents who support her in all things. She’s always had that need, but at this age, it’s absolutely essential. You can gently express your concern, but, at the same time, a few years of missing calls and visits won’t prevent a relationship later. Further, why are you more worried about what her family might think and what other people might say than what your daughter’s emotional needs are (just go on ahead and admit that’s what’s at work here and deal with it)? You can’t possibly be that ignorant? Quit treating your daughter as a pawn in your game of Yuppie Status Idol and start acting like she’s your daughter. Damn.

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Sorry about that shippers. I had to take care of some issues there, and sometimes it’s not pretty. Anyway, with winter fast approaching, I hope that you’re all readying the hatches, checking all your seals, and ensuring that you’re ready to weather the cold. Just remember: any hull penetration is a potential leak! I know we’ll all get through it together. So, until next week, fair winds and following seas to all of ya!