From a Submariner's Perspective is a weekly column, written in response to the letters sent in to advice columnist "Prudie" at Each week, The Submariner responds to the letter writers in a way that author, Emily Yoffe, probably can't (but perhaps would like to...). Each entry is headed with a link to the orginal questions and Yoffe's answers. Enjoy!

Also, if you have questions that you'd like answered by The Submariner, or anyone here at "The Fly", just write to me at and I'll forward to the appropriate party/parties for an answer (or you can write to them directly via the e-mail addresses on their pages)! Once the answers are published, I'll drop you a note letting you know.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

...on SIL That Wants to Bang the LW (orig. 9/10/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Greetings shippers! How in the heck are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? Holy smokes, it’s a beautiful, spectacular, perfect day today, ain’t it? The weather is cooling, football is back, and Brett Favre has completed his annual pilgrimage to the gridiron. What could be finer?! A good batch of letters, you say? Well, though we may not have an entire batch, it just so happens we have at least one or two good ones right here...

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I am a man god. Seriously! One look as my physique is enough to make women weak in the knees. One smile from me usually causes them to become so wet with desire that they leave puddles in their wake (even the old broads). I recently knocked up my skanky ass wife (who was pretty fat to begin with, though I always claim she’s cute so as to save face for having hitched myself to her), and, from that moment on, her hot sister started practically throwing herself on me! Prudie, I’ve tried to do the right thing and only stare at my sister-in-law while fantasizing surreptitiously, but, when you look as good as I do, it’s hard to keep things like this from happening. And, based on the way my SIL barely even “glances” at me (to avoid giving away her true feelings), she’s clearly not going to take no for an answer. I’ve told my wife how attracted to me her sister is, and how much her sister wants me. My wife responded that her sister is repulsed by me and that she brings her own husband around every time they visit specifically to keep me at bay because I’ve recently started acting so asshole-ish, but I know my wife is lying (probably because she’s worried about losing me because she looks so stretchy and blobby after having our kid). Her sister wants me bad and has made that clear. Matter of fact, it’s the only reason I want to be “a part of my wife’s family”. How can I hook up with my SIL without feeling shitty about it? Sometimes I read a letter and I’m amazed that a person can even form full sentences with a brain so full of shit. But then a letter like this one comes in and I realize there’s a whole new level of shit-for-brains that I had never even imagined existed! So thank you for that. Dude, here’s my advice to you: don’t confront your sister-in-law about her obvious desire for you. Instead, I want you to go “confront” her husband and your father-in-law about it. That’s the honorable thing to do. Explain to them exactly how your sister-in-law feels about you and how, as men, you all need to work out this problem together. I’d suggest taking some vodka with you. I’m certain that, with the two of them, you’ll be able to find a happy agreement by which you can get screwed all you want.

LW#2: My mom reads all the time. I’m talking, she reads in bed. She reads at the table. She reads in the car. She actually reads the shampoo bottles in the shower because she can’t take a book in there. I’m not kidding. She reads to the point of ignoring everything and everyone else around her. If she’s read everything in the house, she’ll read food package labels! I’m her only daughter and I’m starting to think her reading is my fault as a way to avoid me. What have I done to her to make her so angry with me? I’m really sorry to hear this, kiddo. Listen, first off, your mom’s obsessive reading isn’t your fault. And, too, here’s where it’s going to get kinda hard to hear, it’s not entirely her fault, either. I’m guessing your mom’s reading is a symptom of free floating anxiety (possibly combined with depression). Reading is very calming and those who suffer from anxiety often find it’s the only thing that will calm them (aside from anti-anxiety meds). If your mom learned this coping mechanism early in life, she may not even realize how pronounced it is. I think Prudie’s advice is good, but, too, it’s important to realize that it’s very likely that your mom won’t be able to address this issue without professional psychological help. This shouldn’t be seen as a weakness! It happens. It’s okay. But, most important of all, you must realize that your mom’s reading is not a reflection on you. You are only responsible in this life for you own actions. Don’t take on someone else’s as your responsibility as well. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow at your age, and I’m sorry you’ve been given it, but, please know, this isn’t your fault.

LW#3: Prudie, I don’t engage in office gossip, so, I have no clue how I found out all of this, but, one of my co-workers, that slut, Beth, is sleeping with our boss (who’s married, by the way, did you know?). I normally wouldn’t care, as I don’t gossip (obviously), but, Beth and our co-worker Steve and I are up for a promotion and my boss will decide who gets the position. Steve doesn’t know about Beth’s bopping of the boss, and I so desperately want to tell him so that he’ll say something (because, as you know, I don’t engage in the gossip), but, I’m afraid of what’ll happen if any of the inevitable fallout gets on me. What should I do? Wow, we’ve got a regular ol’ episode of Love American Style going on, don’t we? What should you do? Hmmmm. Let’s see, here’s an idea: make sure that your work is better than Beth’s and Steve’s. Make sure that you’re the most qualified person for a promotion by working on your professional qualifications, your education and on the quality of your work. Then, if you’re clearly the most qualified person in the group and you’re passed over for promotion, you’ll know why. Then you can request a meeting with HR to review the selection process and the measures used for selection. However, if you aren’t absolutely certain that you’re the most qualified for the job, Beth’s boss bopping is just that thing that you attempt to avoid so unsuccessfully: gossip.

LW#4: Prudie, I bring my lunch to work every day. I keep condiments in the break room fridge that I’ve clearly marked as my property. This arrangement works out just fine save for the fact that one of my co-workers is using my mustard! She’s used nearly half the bottle already! I’m not particularly pleased about this, but I don’t want to offend her. What should I do? Remember in the first response where I talked about people with shit for brains? Well your coworker...ain’t one of them. She’s just rude. Or, perhaps just mistaken about whose mustard she’s using. Perhaps your initials are the same as her cubicle mate’s and that person has given her permission to use their stuff? The problem is, you haven’t even asked the mustard-stealing offender what’s up. I mean this right here ain’t the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, you know?! This is not even the Hatfield and McCoy conflict. This is just you getting so worked up over a $2 bottle of mustard that you’ve actually written an advice columnist about it rather than deal with it! Remember the shit for brains moniker? I’m not ready to tag you with it (yet), but holy shit, dude/dudette, you’re walking a thin line here! How about you go talk to Ms. Molly Mustard and figure out what’s up. My bet is that she thought the “FM” you so carefully wrote on the top of the bottle meant “free mustard”.

Well shippers, that was a stinky bunch of poo for letters if the goal is to poke fun. I don’t like it when they get too serious, but, such is life. We take the good weeks with the bad, eh? Here’s hoping your weekend is beautiful, your commute is uneventful, and all of your travels are blessed with fair winds and following seas. Until next week...


  1. LW1: I think our friend MessyONE can solve the mystery about the animal cracker monkey wearing clothes. IT'S THIS GUY. And he's THIS CLOSE to flinging poop at his SIL out of some simian effort to impress her.

    Last monkey/poop joke, I swear!

    LW4: I dunno. The whole "Jimmy took my lunch!" battle at offices has been going on since there were offices, I'd wager. Just like the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. And neither conflict is close to being resolved! No matter how many "Quit eatin' people's food!" signs go up on fridges all over the world.

  2. Yes! That guy would be the *perfect* model for the Animal Cracker box portraits! Maybe he could model as the animal butts, too? ;-)

  3. Are there donkey animal crackers?

    Forgot to add-

    LW3: I'm glad that I don't give a shit about promotions and who's sleeping with whom and backbiters and so on. I've even fought with bosses who tried to "groom" me for management. Bleah! I'll stay the grizzled sergeant in the trenches with my troops, thanks very much.