From a Submariner's Perspective is a weekly column, written in response to the letters sent in to advice columnist "Prudie" at Each week, The Submariner responds to the letter writers in a way that author, Emily Yoffe, probably can't (but perhaps would like to...). Each entry is headed with a link to the orginal questions and Yoffe's answers. Enjoy!

Also, if you have questions that you'd like answered by The Submariner, or anyone here at "The Fly", just write to me at and I'll forward to the appropriate party/parties for an answer (or you can write to them directly via the e-mail addresses on their pages)! Once the answers are published, I'll drop you a note letting you know.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

...on Faking Like He's Got Hair (orig. 5/28/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Well, as we get underway again for our weekly journey I’m put in mind of Odysseus and the many perils he and his crew encountered. Okay, not so much. Hair pieces and false résumés don’t really compare with shipwrecking sirens and one-eyed, dismembering giants, but, let’s cruise ahead nonetheless. Here’s my take as a salt of the seven seas:

LW#1: Husband not as hairy “up there” as he claims to be. I wish that there was a way to be more understanding of your concern because I realize the husband needs some amount of sensitivity here--if this was your first date. But you’re married for Neptune’s sake! If you can’t say to him, “Sweetiecums, honeypumpkin, I love you like no other, but, I feel pretty betrayed by your friend up there,” then what are you doing married? I mean, it’s not like I share my wife’s intimate toilet moments with her, but, if she came out of the bathroom with a few feet of toilet paper trailing from her skirt, I’d tell her. And it wouldn’t even faze me to do so. That goes for spinach in her teeth or boogers on her nose, too (although, the latter I might take a picture of first to use as hilarious comedy relief with friends at dinner parties, but, I digress...). Listen, you’re married. Act like it. Seriously.

LW#2: I lied on my résumé and now I feel really crappy about it. I think Prudie was wildly insightful in her response when she said, “...every time anyone says, ‘Marvin, can I see you in my office?’ your stomach acid will pour.” That’s the crux of the current problem. And you need to fix it, and honestly. However, as a submariner (you know, the kind of person who puts his life in the hands of his shipmates when he goes to sleep at night, having ultimate faith that they won’t sink him to the deadliest depths of the ocean due to their ineptitude, having lied on their qualifying exams), I sentence you to five lashes and a keelhauling for adding that “edit” to your résumé. You didn’t “edit” your résumé, you lied. Plain and simple. After you recover from the lashes, and if you make it through the keelhauling (watch out for the screw--it’s badass, dude), you should do like Prudie says. And hurry with it! Damn!

P.S. While I hate the idea (and the whole culture of elitism that sometimes goes along with the thought) that a degree could/should keep an otherwise fully-capable person from getting a job, I don’t know if that’s true or not in your situation, and lying about it can’t ever be right, regardless. Integrity, brother.

LW#3: I’m a gay-hating, discriminating bastard looking for a way to treat my relative like shit. Okay, take a breath, SmagBoy1. Try to be calm. Not everyone in the world is a racist, sexist, intolerant hate monger. This guy and his family are, but not everyone.
Listen up, dick weed. You disgust me. How should you make this presentation? Uh, gee, let’s see, how about treating your relative’s partner in your presentation like you would if your relative had met and married the girl of your family’s dreams (as if he is a real person, deserving of love and respect and honor). You know, as if his partner is his partner, you small-brained turd monger. His gender is ENTIRELY irrelevant. Holy crap!

LW#4: I’ve become a widower to BRAVO TV and it’s making me a little impatient with my wife. Okay, first I’m going to ask you to read my advice to LW#1. You’re married, so you can say the stuff you say to the Internet Lady directly to you wife. But it sounds like you already have.

So, I’m going to give you some advice that’s worked for me over the years when dealing with family situations where talking doesn’t seem to get the proper results (and only after I’ve done enough soul searching to determine that my concerns are at least somewhat valid--yours seem to be): demonstrate to her what it’s like (for example, when my young daughter just couldn’t get it through her head to use proper table manners, I ate an entire meal with my hands, smacking, letting food drip from my mouth, reaching onto her plate, talking with my mouth full, not using a napkin. It only took once and was actually fun).

For your case, I suggest the use of porn. I’m not kidding. Every night, come home and do exactly like she does. If she turns on the TV the moment she walks in, that’s what you should do (if you have two TVs). But, do it with porn. If she’s got the TV in the living room monopolized, go in the bedroom and fire up the bedroom TV, or, bring up the porn on the computer. Watch it. Loud. Not too loud, just meet her frequency and volume and interest level, but, with do it with porn. Don’t go light. Start with the nasty stuff. Don’t let on. Don’t look to her to see if it’s affecting her. Just mimic her habits. You don’t actually have to “take advantage” of the porn (wink, wink, nod, nod). Just watch it as if it’s perfectly acceptable. She will ask you what’s up. I promise. Explain to her again how you feel about her TV habits. Offer a compromise a la Prudie. This will work. If it doesn’t, you may want to look deeper into your relationship and find out what it is she’s trying to tune out with her daily TV viewing...

Okay shippers, that’s it for this week. Smooth sailing...

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