From a Submariner's Perspective is a weekly column, written in response to the letters sent in to advice columnist "Prudie" at Each week, The Submariner responds to the letter writers in a way that author, Emily Yoffe, probably can't (but perhaps would like to...). Each entry is headed with a link to the orginal questions and Yoffe's answers. Enjoy!

Also, if you have questions that you'd like answered by The Submariner, or anyone here at "The Fly", just write to me at and I'll forward to the appropriate party/parties for an answer (or you can write to them directly via the e-mail addresses on their pages)! Once the answers are published, I'll drop you a note letting you know.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

...on Dildos and Broken Dicks (orig. 11/05/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey there shippers! How the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day?! All here is well enough, I suppose, and I know that the world won’t fall off its axis, but, I am a bit disturbed by something that has nothing to do with the Prudie Letters. I know, I know, I’m not here to bitch about anything else. And, too, since I know that you come for the letters, I’m going to address them first. But then, after I’m done with them, I’m going to answer a bonus letter, too, if I may? If I play my cards right, it might give you some insight into my worked up state. But that comes last as it wouldn’t be fair otherwise. First up, to the letters!

LW#1: Prudie, I’m 16-years-old and wanting to buy a vibrator. I’d like to talk to my mom about this. We have a close relationship and can talk about anything, but I’m afraid that she’ll be uncomfortable and feel awkward about this particular subject. I’ve tried talking to a friend, but she was repulsed by the idea. What should I do? Unfortunately, in this case, you are the best judge of how your mother will react. And if you’re concerned about her reaction, you’re probably correctly reading her. But, at the same time, if she’s always been there for you, openly and honestly, even though the conversation may make her uncomfortable, it may be one she’d be honored to have with you, discomfort be damned! And, part of being a kiddo to a good parent is being able to be open and honest and never fear undue reproach. Ultimately, you have to decide which is more important to you emotionally: having the conversation with your mom, or, taking the plunge solo. Either way, in this case, it sounds like things will work out. Prudie’s correct in that masturbation is pretty much point and click. You’ll absolutely figure it out. That much, I promise. The trick is the emotional part. And your mom may be able to help you navigate that better than anyone else. Even if you don’t talk to her before, perhaps later it’s something you can bring up. Leave open that option, but, listen to yourself on this one. You’re the best judge of what to do next.

LW#2: Prudie, I’m a woman who’s probably a bit too over-worried about all things, but specifically regarding my upcoming nuptials and subsequent life with a man who’s much older than I am (I always tell people our age difference because it’s vitally important to my story). My soucis de la journée, though, is his fertility. He had an infection on his testicles that may have rendered him infertile. Before we get married, I’d like to know exactly how many little guys he’s shooting, how potent they are, how long they’ll be there and if they’re genetically superior to those at the sperm bank. I mean, it’s not like I won’t marry him or anything, you know, if he’s shooting blanks, but I keep my calendar updated, to the minute, for about five years out. Every detail has to be perfect and I don’t know if I can stand the not knowing. Please help me justify trooping him down to the sperm clinic to see I’m going to need to schedule appointments at the adoption agency and sperm donor center in 18 to 21 months--I don’t have too many open appointments left for that timeframe and we need to get moving! Whoa there, Little Miss Holy Batshit Crazy Woman! Calm your jets for a sec. Have you ever heard of living in the moment? I agree you can’t live your entire life in the moment. You have to plan for retirement at some point. And it’s nice to have a down payment on a house before buying. Those things do take a little planning. But you’re looking way too far ahead here (at least if you’re being honest and you’d marry this guy even if he is sterile). Listen, here’s how it works: when (and only when) you’re ready to start a family, you have sex without birth control. You do this for awhile and see what happens. If you get pregnant, holy shit, problem solved (at least for you--truth is, I’m not sure that your husband and child may not be living in ‘schedule hell’ for the rest of their lives, but, sadly, they didn’t write in to ask for advice). If you don’t get pregnant, then, and only then, should you worry. Hell, you might be the problem! What if you’re infertile and he’s not? Wouldn’t that just put your panties in a twist? Oh my, appointments at the OB, appointments at the alternative medicine doc... (sigh).

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I’m 27. When I was 14, I “severed ties” with my dad. That’s a euphemism for treating him like shit, threatening to call the cops on him, trying to injure his wife and baby, screaming, yelling, peeing on his furniture and just generally making a complete and total asshole of myself. But, now that I’m older and getting married, I’d like to have him back in my life. What can I do? Hey chicky, I have two portions of advice for you. The first is to go slow. Look at the letter above. This thing can’t be put on a schedule. Prudie has some wonderful advice for you and I think you should follow it. But (and here’s the second part), what kind of insensitive, crazy, lunatic bitch do you think you are by asking this man and his family to your fucking wedding after having not been in touch with him all this time? Like, “Hey dad, sorry about the shit earlier, but, you know, could you come to my wedding?” Holy fuck?! How about you slow the fuck down and meet on his terms, not yours, on his turf, not your? How about you express your unbelievable, extreme, gut-wrenching sorrow over how you treated them? Yes, you were young and you should not be held completely accountable. I agree. Your mom seems to have played some crazy nut-job role and your dad should come to understand that, but, it’s not like he’s going to just say, “Hey, sweetie, so glad to have you back! Let’s go to your wedding!” It’s going to take years, not days. It’s going to take tears and sorrow and pain. And if you’re not willing to admit to yourself that the effort is going to be extremely hard, if you’re thinking you can just show up, invite him to a wedding and all will be okay, well, you’re well on your way to reaching your mom’s level of craziness. And he can see that. Your wedding is not the place for a family reconciliation, idiot. This isn’t about you. It’s about the two of you. And your wedding ain’t that.

LW#4: Prudie, I’m a woman whose work is incredible. Not only that, it’s so good, the increased revenue for the firm that I work for is clearly measurable and has increased the workload of others! Isn’t that great? In terms of the bottom line, I’m a goddess. My problem is with my male co-worker, who, for obvious reasons (you know, because he’s lazy), hates me. He leaves stinky socks in our shared bathroom and even leaves the seat up as a “final protest” to my being there. What can I do? Holy fucking batshit on the windshield of your brain, you fucking vapid idiot! How about you put down the goddamned seat?! Is your back hurting you? Are you a double amputee (arms)? Do you put the seat up for him when you’re done, you double-standard, crazed, lunatic freak? You may be good at your job, but you’re a fucking idiot as a human and that usually doesn’t go over well in the workplace. Not for long. If I were you, I’d spend less time gloating and more time trying to be a fellow human being.

Bonus LW: Prudie, I live in Maine. I was full of hope and happiness and wonder that we, Mainers, would be the first voting population to allow gays and lesbians to marry. And things were absolutely heading that way! But, sadly, over the last several months, literally tens (if not hundreds) of millions of dollars have poured into the state from outside, funding sickening advertising that claimed things like “voting for gay marriage means they’ll teach kindergartner’s about anal sex.” Seriously! That’s a paraphrase, but not an exaggeration. Prudie, this is 2009. When will people get over thinking that they should be allowed to choose how other people live? I’m sorry, Mainer. I really am. I, too, hoped that at least one state's electorate would allow for gay marriage. And though you didn’t say it, I know good and damned well it was the Bible-thumping, Nazi, righteous, fuckstains out there in full force over the last few weeks. Just like in California. Fucking assholes. What a shame, too, and ironic, in that they want all the rights of practicing their religion, tax-free, with no limitations, but, you know, if someone is different than them, or if someone lives in a way that they can cherry pick a verse from Leviticus and use it to condemn them, they will. I can't say that I'm surprised by this. It’s not new. But it does hit me hard each time this happens, because it's just devastating, actually, the irony and ignorance and arrogance of these fucking asshats. But hold up your head, Mainer. Even if it didn’t happen on Tuesday, it will. Kids today are more and more tolerant of homosexuals. Eventually these asshat idiots will be the ones in the minority. It’s actually closer than it feels. And when that day comes, oh sweet baby Jesus in swaddling clothes, they’d better hope like hell that those of us who believe in true equality won’t vote to ban religion outright. Because, you know, when we’re in the majority, what’s to stop us enforcing our will on them?


Well shippers, that about wraps it up for another week. I’m off to a swim call in the lagoon. We throw a cargo net down the side of the sub and dive in from the turtle back. Then we can use the net to climb back aboard. It’s great fun and good exercise, and, too, I hope to get a visit from my bestest diving buddy while there! And that’s always a treat. So, ‘til next week shippers, keep your dive-to-surface ratio at one, and fair winds and following seas.


  1. Ah, Smag, I feel you on your bonus letter- it's ironic, indeed, that those who preach tolerance are the least (have you seen the atheist ads vandalized? Yeah, "Christians" did that, too).

    And I think this issue should not be put to the "popular" vote, either - as I've said many a time (anyone who knows me can attest), there are more stupid people in this country than smart, there just are.

    And frankly, I'd welcome some sort of test to see voting eligibility back - not based on racist values like last time, but basic political intelligence.

    Like, can you name who's in office? How about the VP? Who's the governor in your state? That sort of thing, to weed out those who don't read the news but react to the vitriol on TV. I can only imagine the number of morons turned away - it would be beautiful. : )

    But getting back to the letters, I find it interesting you thought LW3 was a woman - I assumed a male, because I think a woman would've felt compelled to mention it in regard to her wedding.

    See, a woman would write: "I'm getting married and want to reach out - not that I want him to walk me down the aisle, per se, but the wedding plans have brought that question up..."

    Or something to that effect.

    And then, on the other hand, I read this letter like this: when I was a pre-teen (ties "severed" at only 14), I was angry about my parents divorce, angry at being with a mentally unstable mother, and angry at my father for moving on and starting a new life. I pushed the envelope and stopped talking to him in my rage, but now I'm an adult and can see where I erred.

    Here's the thing: my father now wants nothing to do with me, even though he's partly responsible for the breakup of my family, and he's holding a grudge even though he was the adult at the time and I wasn't, and he still is an adult (as far as I'm aware). But now, he's holding a grudge against an angry 13yo instead of taking responsibility for his own failure at helping me through my grief.

    Okay, they didn't say all that - in fact, LW was quite apologetic, but I think the dad should get off his high horse because he's no saint either.

  2. Hey Nagatuki! Sounds like we're on the same page regarding the Maine issue, and, too, I agree that it should never be put to vote, but, I believe it's because we shouldn't have the ability to vote over basic human rights. All of us, even those of us in the smallest minority, deserve those rights.

    I also agree on LW#3 in that the dad has to realize that this was a kid lashing out. A kid who needed help. That said, the LW is now an adult and a wedding is no place for a reconciliation. I read the LW as female because I read into it the walking down the aisle thing, but, you may absolutely correct in gender. It's just, in my experience, (stereotype alert) weddings are more important to woman than men, and I'd expect if the LW were a man, the catalyst would have been the birth of a child or the father's birthday or something? Either way, we agree in principle, I think. The dad should take a look at himself, too.

  3. Are you kidding me? One vote doesn't go your way and you are ready to trade democracy for dictatorship? The great thing about our way of government is that you actually have the opportunity to initiate change and to keep working for it even when it isn't happening fast enough for you! Instead of giving up like a bunch of panty-wastes, tighten your jock straps and get back in there!

  4. Yepper, idiot, clearly I advocated giving up and supporting a dictatorship. Glad to see you actualyl read what we wrote.

    Should there have been a vote on slavery, you dipshit? Should there have been a vote on women's rights to vote? Does your brain have a jockstrap? If so, it's yours that needs tightening. I've got plenty of jock.

  5. Why can't women ever remember to leave the seat up when they're done? The chick should be grateful that the seat is left up. The other option is that he leaves the seat down and pees on the seat. As for the socks...send them to San 2 a few times and perhaps he'll stop leaving them there.

    Sorta missing my submariner days...

  6. Personally, I don't think marriage is something that should be legislated on. I think that about a lot of other things too.

    And, you gotta keep in mind, self-righteous stupidity is not biased towards any political side. It's an equal-opportunity fucker-upper.

    For LW#1, I was a little thrown off by what Prudie suggested. Yes, masturbation is straightforward and yes, it could be uncomfortable to talk about, but I see a lot of potential bonuses. The adult toy world can be a tricky place to navigate for a first-timer. Perhaps her mom could give her some pointers on which one to go with? Think about the dinner conversations THAT could start.

  7. I see your point, Smag, and though I didn't mention the wedding bit I certainly don't think it's the place to reconcile, either (better well before or well after, not during the planning)...

    As to Anon, who said anything about dictators? (Eye rolling here)... First of all, don't get your own knickers in a twist, and second, why is it so terrible to wish for an intelligent electorate?

    Really, that's what I'm asking for; people who pay attention to the news like they used to, who could hold intelligent debate over political issues, and frankly, vote logically, not with the bible in their back pocket as "the only book they need to read." That's no more a democracy in the US than banning dumb voters.

  8. Ah San 2 and life aboard the boat. Yepper, anon, I miss those days, too. Sometimes. :-) Check my other blog here, "SmagBoy's Dock" for more on that subject...

    vicatella, I agree about marriage legislation, actually. In truth, what I believe is that *anyone* wishing to be "married" (and thus enjoy the legal rights and protections of that union (tax breaks, property rights, health, insurance, visitation, etc.) should be able to go to the county courthouse and enter into that contract and it should be recognized in all states and federally. What a couple does *after* they get that contract signed (marry in church, jump a broom, elope, kiss and go home) is not important to me.

    Nagatuki, I agree with your sentiment, but any voter test at all seems to me rife for abuse. It'd have to be a truly bipartisan test and adminstered fairly to all--perhaps at voter registration time. The questions you propose seem more than easy enough to be agreed on by all, but, I doubt our legislators would agree to even sit down at the table for such a proposal. They value their job too much for that! :-)

  9. Hey Smag! Great to see you continuing your ongoing work despite obstacles - we artists must press on regardless and never give up the struggle. I don't know about the convo with mom about a vibrator - I agree with Prudie on that one, that it's time to maybe not share every little thing. Kiddo is apparently feeling ambivalent about this proposed convo - hence the letter. Maybe she feels sort of compelled to talk to mom about this - I see some subtle signals here, esp since kiddo is 16 and not 12 and the convo is not - hey mom what does "masturbation" mean?

    As long as everybody is an adult human and nobody is getting hurt, who marries whom should be nobody else's concern - although I would draw the line at incestous marriage, say brother and sister or dad and daughter.

    Looking forward to seeing more of your fine work.

  10. Sigh; I'm not sure how it is everyone is taking me so seriously (my last post, I thought, indicated I only _wished_ for brighter voters), but to clarify:

    No, I don't _actually_ believe we should test people. Frankly, those administering the test are likely no brighter than those taking it.

    But one can still lament the pitiable state our country's in, no? That distortion of the issues is what pols want, and what voters respond to?

    And so it leads to a desperate statement of wishing we could weed out the dumb with some sort of test (because how else can you?), and everyone thinks I'm knocking on Congress' door to get it legislated (sheesh).

    I think I have to take a breath...

  11. Hey CoCo! Good to see you! :-) As for the LW#1 convo with mom, I really do think it's up to the LW. Maybe she wants to be talked out of it? Maybe she wants mom to buy it? Maybe she doesn't really want to talk, but would feel guilty if she didn't? In the end, she's gotta make that decision. I wouldn't talk with mom about, but, you know, I don't use a vibrator, so, there's that... ;-)

    Oh, Nagatuki, I'm with you. I was just responding to the " what if" it were to be proposed... In principle, and as a lament, like I say, we agree 100%.

  12. I have to go against popular opinion on LW1 and say that at this point, she should not get a "toy." Not because I'm a prude, but because using one when she doesn't yet know her own body could lead to a case of VD (vibrator dependence). See, these devices produce a very intense stimulation that no human can emulate manually. So, until she learns how to please herself without one, she should hold off. Maybe her mother can explain that to her.

  13. Hey Amy! While I agree with you that there are certianly some concerns to think about, there's no indication that the LW doesn't know her own body. :-) Hell, for all we know, she could have been masturbating since the age of 8. It's certainly not unheard of. I agree that she should keep her lines of communication open with her mom, though. As I say, only the LW can judge her need for that.

  14. Amy, I hope you don't mind if I jump in here and comment. I do agree with you about the VD aspect of it (just like the ham-fisted male masturbator that can no longer find pleasure in a woman because of the intense pleasure he's already found with himself) but there's no indication that this 16-year old girl does not already know how to please herself. From personal experience, that strikes me as pretty old not to know about this already.

    My goodness, Diving Buddy, but you've roiled the waters up mightily with your last letter! Your Mermaid agrees with you wholeheartedly in this:

    "In truth, what I believe is that *anyone* wishing to be "married" (and thus enjoy the legal rights and protections of that union (tax breaks, property rights, health, insurance, visitation, etc.) should be able to go to the county courthouse and enter into that contract and it should be recognized in all states and federally. What a couple does *after* they get that contract signed (marry in church, jump a broom, elope, kiss and go home) is not important to me."

    Eloquent and intelligent ~ just the way a good Captain of the ship should be! Excellent advice all around, Smag, with particular kudos for the last one. In a two person bathroom, why do the "downies" have priority? A question for the ages, I'm afraid...

  15. Nice response to the bonus letter. Screw the haters! Love will eventually conquer all, it's just taking some time here!

  16. Hey MM! How are you on this fine, fine Prudie Day? You know, I have a sneaky suspicion that your views on governmental recognition of a union are nearly identical to my own. But I promise that I didn't lift them from you! I've felt that way for a long time. Honest! :-)

    Hey Spacey! How's you? Yeah man, screw the haters! Just don't give 'em dildos. They apparently are against those. ;-)

  17. Excellent post as usual, Smaggy! As for LW #1, I'm pretty close with my daughter, and she's 14 now. We've had the "talk" several times, in a lot of different ways, and I would think once she got to the point of wanting to discuss vibrators and/or general "self help" techniques, she'd be comfortable enough to talk to me about it. And I honestly don't know what I'd tell her to do. If I know that she's already well versed in the self help department and looking for something more, that's one thing. If this were to be her first attempt at trying to figure out what all the fuss was about, I'd tell her she's trying to go from the kiddie pool to the deep end without her swimmies. Regardless, like you said, the LW is the only one that can judge how well received her mom will be with that kind of discussion.

    And I can't even get into the ridiculousness of the whole gay marriage issue. Really. If I'm not forced to have gay sex, what do I care if other people want to? And why do I care if they want to marry each other? I say anyone should have the right to get married, become miserable and bitter and then fight it out in a divorce. It's the American way! ;)

  18. Greeting everyone! Once again I'm flying without spellchecker so do forgive as I'm on a tear and have to begin now sharing my thoughts.

    LW1 My first thought was Prudie you prude. Speaking with her mother about this at the least gives her a chance for some good advice from a trusted adult. My first advice to my faux-daughter (no kids) would be that getting a vibrator would not be something I would share with classmates at school, seems like teenagers would have long lasting, snide remarks, following her though school and for what reason?

    Smaggy, I did love your statement on....Tricky part is the emotional part...did you mean she'll have trouble saying goodbye to her new best friend when it's time to actually have sex? That was my thinking. Chances are she'll wait a very long time to have sex and even afterwards she may very well prefer her vibrator to a groping 18 year old's self satisifying behavior (or have times changed). As for shopping for a vibrator...won't it be like buying lip gloss/nail polish? You can never have enough varity until you find your all time favorite? Hmmmm?

    LW2 I think the woman already resents her main squeezes unwillingness to take a test. Humans simply like knowing things, it's the waiting and not knowing that kills us. The fellow might consider knowing to be helpful to both himself as well as the woman he marries. I'm about disclosure on this particular question. Why not?

    LW3 Interesting gender discussion...could be highly ambigious...I also read it as female, but regardless of gender I think the father already knows about the bobby-traps, all the nutty behavior capable of causing not only emotional harm but (HUGE issue) physical harm. The LW needs to be able to speak to all behaviors openly to move forward.

    And my favorite...LW4 Trot down the hall and use the bathroom further away from those dirty sock's or make the guy Sock Monkey's so everyone knows what a nut you are. You've invaded his territory in more ways than one, let it go since he's not willing to share, you've used up any of his good graces with the Infamous Toilet Seat Battle of Earthling's. Sheesh.

    Smaggy, I did see that vote on the news last night. It also saddens me to see Same Sex Marriage vote fail once again. In Oregon we are facing this same battle. All in due time. It's all about what is fair, medical, estate planning, insurance, etc. the rules of marriage need to change. I believe we are headed into many years/decades of changing into a gender free society. After all, who the hell can tell what genetalia one actually owns? I certainly have made an error and got that one wrong simply by visual clues (I'm talking clothing/hair here). The visual clues(once again,fully dressed visuals) are getting harder and harder to discern what genetials one has, and then there are those people with ambigious genetalia. Don't get me started, we are so'oooo behind in understanding all varieties of humans, (then there is The Octomom who falls into a completely new catagory).

    The stupidest/dumbest thing of all time was when I heard that some dumbshit thought "don't ask don't tell" was a viable solution. Amazing how humans can avoid change, thinking all along no one will notice this is dumber than shit, maybe it will fly?

    Happy trails....until next week...

  19. I would think choosing a good vibe is easy these days, thanks to Amazon comments. A 16-year-old writing in to an Internet Lady surely knows about Amazon, right?

  20. Hey Seoul Sister! You say that you don't know what you'd tell your daughter, but, it sounds like you have it down. I think you being you is all she'd ever need. :-)

    Greetings Debbie! It's wonderful to see you here. :-) Regarding "the emotional part", I simply meant the general emotions / questions / concerns / stigma associated with all things sex-related in our society. I reckoned mom could be a good source if she had any of those types of concerns. But, hey, too, if our young LW does get attached to her new friend. ;-)

    tentaculistic, I haven't checked for vibes on amazon, but, you can bet that I'm going there right now! :-P

  21. What did your foray net in you in the way of info about vibes at Amazon?

  22. Well, Libby, the highest rated one for ladies was here: and on the first comment, I read this gem:

    Now, if you are getting this gadget, you simply MUST get the attachments - the Wonder Wand and G-Spotter. Both provide great stimulation, and make the Magic Wand the wonder-sex-toy that it is. The Wonder Wand allows for some fantastic penetration movements, which is not as comfortable with the G-Spotter. But, the G-Spotter provides some absolutely earth-shaking stimulation. So, which is my favorite? BOTH!

    The highest rated "vibrator" for men was this one:

    I'm not really into those, so, I didn't read too far. I mean, my hand works fine for me when I need to handle things. But, plenty of good reading to be had!

  23. Awesome!
    As always, you totally rock!

  24. A fine batch of letter this week. I'll try not to just repeat my replies to MessyOne's SHADDUP, but.. ah, I can't lie. Same message, different words.

    LW1 - Heh. Humans and their libidos. I was probably in my room, reading comics, when those were being handed out. Never had any interest in the mechanical or live version. So I have no idea if Mom should know or not.

    LW2 - ...aaaaaand this one's obsessed with babies - more things that confuse me! Just cool your jets, ya crazy - never mind. Smag's already taken care of you.

    LW3 - good golly, also didn't consider that it could be either gender. I was leaning towards female, but am now undecided. I'm of the "sowing what you reap" school. For all the LW knows, Dad and his entire new family were in therapy for years because of the reign of terror, and finally came to the decision to cut all ties. There's also the WWJD question. But then, most people just asked Jesus for free medical care and hardly any for straightup forgiveness, so the question is still unanswered (to me)

    LW4 - BOTH genders put down BOTH toilet seats, period. Yay! That 100-year War was resolved! And be nice at work or pay the price! I've always been nice to my coworkers, but at my first decent-paying job since moving to Mass., thinking I was hot shit and untouchable is what ultimately put me on the Layoffs Block.

    Bonus quesion: Oh, Maine. Oh, California. Oh... the other states that have been voting it out. Both my mother and aunt, Californians 4Evah, voted enthusiastically for whichever proposition banned gay marriage. I'm with the folks regarding this as a civil rights issue. You don't put those to the popular vote.

    Irony! I belong to an "open and affirming" church, meaning we'll take anyone, so needless to say, it's very popular with gay folks. And let me tell you, given the chance to worship freely, to a person they're as dedicated, reverent and enthusiastic as any other member I've seen. They've got holy spirit to spare. Sumthin' to think about, Biblethumpers!

  25. Smag, I've been your secret admirer for a year now! Hahaha... okay, I'm kidding. But seriously, after I read Prudie's advice column, I would then hop onto The Fray to look for your posts. Prudie's advice can be pretty bad sometimes.

    In the meanwhile, I understand the need for a child's privacy and to learn things on their own. I do believe that children learn best figuring things out on their own, but when it comes to sex, I feel kids should be well informed. I may not want to know all the d's about my kids doing deed, but I would want my them to feel comfortable asking me for advice on sex. I'd want my them well-informed rather than coming up to me and say, "Mom, Dad... I fucked up..." That's my two cents.

    Keep it up! I look forward to reading more from ya! :-D

  26. Hey SmagBoy, just a question out of curiosity, please don't feel compelled to answer, but I was wondering if your wife and kids read your posts? I know, none of my business, and really no particular reason for asking aside from just plain curious...

  27. Hi-long time Smag Fangirl, first time commenter.
    Can we be happy that WA state took a big step toward gay marriage with their Ref 71 approval? It's not completely granting gay marriage but it was voter approved despite the misinformation spread by crazy rightwingers and bigots.

  28. Hey herdthinner! Welcome back to the lagoon! I like the sound of your church. I'm for any religion and any church, so long as they don't try to force their views on the rest of us. :-)

    Nachtmusik! Nightmusic! Welcome! Did you know that I was stationed for three years in Germany (not while in the Navy, in my current job)? I love you nickname. :-) I agree that if the kiddo's feeling okay talking with mom, she should. Always. I hope to see you again, and thanks for reading!

    pooham, you ask a simple question and I'll give a simple answer: yes. Now, I'll ask you, and you needn't feel compelled to answer, but, do you think it's good or bad that they read my stuff?

    Welcome Stephanie! I am thrilled about WA! It is a good and wonderful indicator of the future. Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting and please continue to do so!

    Have a great weekend, all! :-)

  29. Hahaha... yeah. I'm a violinist, actually and thus why I picked the name. It's from Mozart's piece "Eine Kliene Nachtmusik", although he's not my cup of tea. :-P I look forward to reading more of your blog!

  30. I've got an idea!

    Imagine for a moment...

    That Planned Parenthood handed out vibrator's instead of condom's how this might effect a young woman's ability to avoid STD.s, pregnancy and all those issues of having sex at an age considered too young. You know the too young group falling under the conditions of, not under my roof, not until you are 21 and my all time favorite, the basic denial that human's are sexual beings. I do believe taking care of ones own needs would alleviate some of the need to experiment with males, if one had a vibrator how often would you choose the young male experience. Maybe not often at all?

    Interesting thought, could be a great motivator. Finish your homework and you can have your vibrator until dinner is ready. Mind blowing huh? Probably would have a whole bunch of new issues to discuss over dinner, get off the phone, stop texting and go to bed mantra would change!

    Maybe it's better having your teenager sneaking about having sex rather than the low hum of a happy household.

    Just a thought.

  31. Well, Debbie, I think it's a great idea, but, not "instead of" condoms, but, rather, "in addition to" or "as another choice". Can you imagine what would happen to the moral majority? Their heads would absolutely EXPLODE! That's enough reason for me right there. Let's do it! :-)

  32. Smaggy...yes, that might cause the moral majority to really do some foot tapping...maybe some would move out of the air line terminal bathrooms in Minnesota, get some real work done for a change.

    All this avoidance of human sexuality causes a boatload of unneeded issues. Tamp down ones sexuality in one fashion and it blows out in another...and that is not always a good thing.

    I'll share my favorite of all really makes a lot of sense when a highly televised personality touts abstinence as a form of birth control while there teenage daughter stands beside them pregnant....and they keep on touting abstinence! I's that working for you? Do they believe we are not paying attention?

    I respect those that try something and can change their mind/tactic's when it does not work, own up to the failure of an idea...but to keep on, keeping on when you have proof it does not work, bugs the hell out of me.

    It also bugs the hell out of me when the most conservative are outed for a bit of toe tapping when they have stood as a barrier to the rights of other's, dragging their wives and children through their mud, their denial.

    But that's just me.

    OK, I'm off to be productive!

    Happy trails to you....

  33. Smaggy, you are just the sweetest man ever! Thank you for your kind words! And I think it's awesome that your kid reads your column! You've obviously done a pretty good job yourself with her!

  34. Smaggy...loved the research at Amazon!

    I can see the commercials now!

    Can you see it....

    Introducing the new iVibe with alarm, automatic daylight savings time and the downloadable rhythms to fit your needs!

    You can either pick up the SD cards at your local O-mart or download online for a personalized workout!

    Download The iMario, The Tantric iSting, The iJackman, The Jake iGyllenhaal, and the best seller, Mike iRowe of Dirty Jobs, try all the rythms, in stock now!

    Order yours with the new Zebra iSkin or the ever popular Pink Rhinestone iSkin (disclamer, Rhinestone Skins pose a risk but much less than pharmaceutical's).

    iVibe, uVibe, we all Vibe!

  35. Holly Bat Shit/ I mean Holly Underwater Bat Mobile!

    And then the winner of the week (or perhaps the year?): "Holy fucking batshit on the windshield of your brain" (is this somehow like "mud in your eyes? No? I didn't think so...)

    I too feel sad about the Maine vote. Luckily we seem to have done a bit better in Washington state (keep my fingers crossed, not all votes have been counted yet). The legislature had passed a bill dubbed "anything but marriage" giving all registered domestic partners the same rights as married couples but not calling it marriage.

    But oh no, that didn't fool the out of states goons who came down with millions to turn the law into a referendum.... which seems to have been defeated..

    I can't phatom those goons' supposed defense of marriage. Christian fundamentalists have the highest rate of divorce than any other group in the country... they should be grateful to the Gay community for putting such high value on marriage. Of course, you can't accuse the Christian right of being consistent about anything.

    I got also got terribly upset about that huge placard with a close up of a pile of bodies of people murdered in Nazi extermination camp displayed during the Bachman bachanelia. Using murder victims to back up a totally unrelated political goal is to murder them again. They could have been showing my father and grandfather.... I had to close my eyes each time it was shown on TV.

    On a lighter note, I really like your little yellow submarine pix/decal... so cute!

  36. PS: I forgot to say I really like your title ".on dildos and broken dicks" --that brings the main themes nicely together.

  37. Kati, I'm feeling a bit ignorant. Where did the placards of Nazi victims occur? The opponents of gay marriage were showing them? If that's the case... now am really confused!

    I mentioned above that my mother and aunt both voted against gay marriage when the vote was in California. They're not what one would describe as religious. Just... old conservatives, I guess. Which is weird because Mom is otherwise quite liberal about "relationships" and sex. But there she was, parroting the "marriage is between a man and a woman to make babies" bit, like she was reading it from notecards. And saying that to ME is ueber ironic; my biological clock never ticked and will certainly never ring.

  38. Seoul, you're absolutely welcome. Remember, I only speak the truth. Nothing more, nothing less. :-)

    Debbie, you need to work in R&D for some major manufacturing firm. You could make a mint! Or, you could work in D.C. for the government, fixing our problems! Well, no, on second thought, good ideas go there to die, not to flourish. I'm loving it, though, believe me. Keep on keepin' on! :-)

    Kati, it's always my immense and sincere pleasure to see you here in the lagoon. I'm with herdthinner in that I'd like to know more about the ads employed by the anti-gay movement. They never cease to amaze and disgust me, those righteous bastards, and I am so happy to see sign after sign that their time in control of our political agenda is growing shorter and shorter. When they have to start using the tactics of fear and discrimination, they've already lost. I'm glad that you like my new submarine. I think I shall keep it. :-)

    Have a wonderful weekend, all!

  39. ooops, sorry about the confusion. The placard was put up during the anti-health care reform rally in DC hosted by that crazy representative Bachman(sp?). I guess the intent was to claim that that is what would happen if health care reform passed....

  40. PS: the crazy woman's name is Michelle Bachmann. The rally was last Saturday. There's an article in Slate about it but I haven't read it yet....

  41. PS triple quadruple, nay, quintuple oops!

    Oh me god,who put the bourbon in my tea? I couldn't be that senile yet? Not only did I read that article,I also commented on it....

    Is this as bad as finding you put your shoes in the fridge? (I'm told that might be a clue to dementia or something....)

  42. PS again, I mean don't get me wrong, I haven't put my shoes in the fridge yet....

  43. Ah, thank you, Kati. Got it now. :-)

    And, as for putting shoes in the fridge, though I've never done that, I *have* put my cup of coffee in the freezer after getting a piece of ice to cool the coffee... (sigh)

  44. I've put milk into the cupboard after pouring it on my cereal.

    I really like how Doonesbury handled the health care screamers. Mike Doonesbury's elderly mother burned her Medicare card in protest of a government "takeover" of healthcare, then injured herself at a rally and, of course, needed the card to pay for the ER.