From a Submariner's Perspective is a weekly column, written in response to the letters sent in to advice columnist "Prudie" at Each week, The Submariner responds to the letter writers in a way that author, Emily Yoffe, probably can't (but perhaps would like to...). Each entry is headed with a link to the orginal questions and Yoffe's answers. Enjoy!

Also, if you have questions that you'd like answered by The Submariner, or anyone here at "The Fly", just write to me at and I'll forward to the appropriate party/parties for an answer (or you can write to them directly via the e-mail addresses on their pages)! Once the answers are published, I'll drop you a note letting you know.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

...on Sex Before or After Nice Gift? (orig 8/20/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey there shippers! How in the heck are you this fine, fine Prudie Day?! I hope all’s well and that the week has treated you with kindness and sunshine (or rain, if you prefer). Either way, I hope it’s been good. Does your office get crazy in late August/early September as the fiscal year comes to a close? Seems the fiscal crazies are out in my office, but, at least it’s not a perennial problem. That said, we always get some crazies on Prudie Day, and today’s no exception. So, without further ado, on to the letters...

LW#1: I am a severely damaged woman who equates sex with affection and affection with gifts and gifts with obligations and obligations with sex... As such, I have a messed up romantic past filled with shrapnel at every turn. I’ve finally met a guy who seems to appreciate me for me, but, the bastard has decided to buy me a super-expensive bracelet for my upcoming birthday! I know this because a “friend” told me. I was going to have sex with him on that day, but now, with a bracelet entering the picture, I’m afraid he’ll think that I only had sex with him because of the gift. What should I do? Holy freaking crap lady! Seriously? I’m amazed you have actually managed to have sex with anyone? How wonderful the experience must be (sex with you, that is) when your primary concern while having it is what the guy is thinking of you and your motives in having it. I’m not sure what craziness befell you during your formative years, and I am sincerely sorry that it happened, but you’ve got some counseling to attend. I’m serious! Holy smokes! And, too, what kind of “friend” tells you what your boy friend got you for your birthday? Was the “friend” perhaps you, snooping? If not, this is no friend. This is an asshole. Man there is just messed crap happening all around you, isn’t there? Listen, if you want to have sex with your boy friend, you don’t need a special occasion. Just have it! Right now! People have been having sex for years, and will continue to, even cramped and contorted in the front seat of some sub-compact auto while parked on the side of the road at night. So, trust me, it doesn’t require a special place or event or gift. What makes it special, the only thing that makes it special, is the two people involved. That’s it. That’s all. Wrap your head around that nugget of wisdom and then wrap yourself around his. Gifts be damned.

LW#2: I’m a recent college grad looking to buy a house with my boyfriend. For various reasons, my family has never had a house of their own and live with my grandparents. My boyfriend and I want to buy a house big enough for ourselves and my family to move into to so they can move out of my grandparent’s. We think it’s the right thing to do, but everyone says we’re crazy. What do you think? Well, instead of putting the serious letter in slot #3 this week, Prudie’s pulled a fast one and has put it in slot #2. It’s a decent buyer’s market right now in a lot of areas and this may be a good idea on the surface, and certainly might work. But, consider that you’ve just started your job. Buying a big house like you’re suggesting may push your finances and if the job doesn’t work out, that could be problematic. And the job market is not what I’d call stable right now. Further, you’re buying with your boyfriend. You don’t say how long you’ve been dating, but, god forbid, if that doesn’t work out, you could find yourself under a mortgage that’s too much for you to pay for and with your parents not contributing, that, too, could be problematic. The main concern that people voice, though, is about all of you under one roof, yes? That’s just their ignorance talking. Plenty of cultures do it and find it to be wildly successful and stress-reducing. The older generation can take care of the toddlers and the house while the middle generation works, etc. It can work just fine and does. The Polynesian culture in the Pacific Northwest (due to sailors being station there, brining home Polynesian wives, etc., is a fine example). So that’s not the concern if you all get along well, it’s the other unknowns that worry me. Think long and hard about the financial burden you’re signing up for.

LW#3: Several years ago, my dad cheated on my mom with some terrible whore of a home-wrecking bitch woman! I hate her for what she did to me! It was personal and I have every right to hate her! That whore! Now I’m an adult and have to work with her and the very sound of her voice grates my last nerve. Since I’m pure and sweet and innocent and have never made a mistake in life, may I kill her? Holy fuck! Listen up you nosey bitch! Have you noticed that your parents have moved on? Have you noticed that they’re over this? Why in the fuck aren’t you?! I mean, sure, I’m not going to sit here and tell you what to be angry over, but, have you ever considered that your dad may have lied to this woman? What if she was completely unaware of his marital status/family and broke it off with him the moment she found out? You don’t know shit about this woman except that you assume she’s a terrible, home-wrecking whore. You need to learn to take a cue from your family. They got over it. It’s none of your business. At all. It’s their business, not yours. Understand? Maybe with all of your nerve (and you’ve got some fucking nerve, lady) you should run for public office or something? But don’t bring that shit to work with you because this woman’s done nothing to you. At all. And you need to get the fuck over your self, sister! And pronto.

LW#4: My girlfriend recently hosted a party. She is an unprepared ninny and ended up having to borrow glasses from a neighbor (how many times do I have to tell her that she’s wholly inadequate?). In washing the borrowed glasses, she broke one. Turns out the glasses the neighbor loaned her were used by Jesus Christ and his holy disciples during the last supper and, as such, are quite valuable. The neighbor wants her to replace them. All. My girlfriend wants to replace the broken one with one of equal value. She’s wrong. She should replace them all. And I’ve told her so. Of course, she’s always wrong and can’t do anything right, so, no surprise there. Why am I the one writing to you, Prudie? Well, I’m a nosey, controlling ass-munch who just loves denigrating my girlfriend, and who can’t even be made to help with the dishes after a party. But that’s irrelevant. What about my problem? Am I (and the neighbor) correct? Listen here you fucking ass-munching, holier-than-thou, talking-down-your-nose mother fucker. This is Butt the fuck out, over. I hope you lose your girlfriend over this fiasco. Maybe you can go spend time with the neighbor and his five glasses. Sounds like you two deserve each other.

Well shippers, that’s it for another week. Things started slow, but really got going there in the end, eh? I hope this week treats you well and that your winds are always fair and that your seas are always following. ‘Til next time...

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