...on Big Penises!

http://www.slate.com/id/2231720 (orig. 10/08/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Foud There


Hey there shippers! How in the hell are you this fine, fine Saturday Day? I realize it’s not a fine, fine Prudie Day, officially, but can’t Saturday be just as fine a Prudie Day as Thursday? And, since I’m just now getting to this set of letters, I think it’ll work just fine for us, eh? :-) So, how do you guys like our new lagoon, “The Fly”? I think it’s wonderful! Thanks again to everyone who made it possible, and thanks to you guys from coming over here and reading our stuff (please feel free to tell your friends)! But, enough of that. It’s the letters you want, right? So, with that in mind, here we go...

LW#1: Prudie, I’ve got a huge dick. No, I didn’t say that I am a huge dick; I said that I have a huge dick. Let’s not mix words here. No puns. No dick jokes. Okay? Okay. My problem is not my dick (obviously). It’s my wife. She likes to tell her friends, her acquaintances, people she meets in the checkout line, kids on the street, phone solicitors, the handyman, etc., that my dick is just huge. I’m not kidding about this! She tells everyone. And, even though I’ve asked her to stop, she says that because she’s being complimentary, she shouldn’t have to. What can I do, short of just accepting her happy over-sharing? Well, dude, it’s not your fault that you’ve hit the genetic version of Power Ball. So, I’m not going to waste your time with some excellent dick jokes because I know that you’ve heard them all already. Just like blondes have to hear every blonde joke ever told. But dude, I’ve got so many dick jokes, it’s going to be difficult to resist. But I shall.

Listen, you’ve got two choices here. First, you can act like an adult and explain to your wife that her over-sharing bothers you and that you’d appreciate her restraint on the subject. Unfortunately, you’ve already tried that route and it didn’t work. So, now you’ve got to pull out the big guns (no pun intended). Prudie’s on the right track with the nipple advice, but, after you’ve asked your wife nicely and she hasn’t stopped, you’ve got to show her how it feels. And starting in the shallow end won’t cut it. So, next time you’re around your friends and your wife is in earshot (or sitting right there), say, “Guys, you know, I’m the luckiest guy in the entire world. As you may know, I’m pretty well-endowed. I’m not bragging or anything.  It is what it is.  But, in my wife, I’ve found a woman who can take my entire member! And then some! She loves it! Listen, I’m not saying she’s loose. Or cavernous. Or that there’s an echo or anything! I’m just saying that she can take it all and wants more. What a great thing! Most girls run and hide, but she actually likes it!  All of it!” She can’t protest, either. After all, she’s all but already verified every word of this with her loose lips (again, no pun intended). I mean, you’re saying something nice about her, right? You may have to sleep on the couch for a few nights, but, I’m guessing she won’t talk about your dick any more.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my wife and I are insufferable twits. We aren’t sure how to handle our three-year-old’s tantrums about putting on his jacket, so we’ve decided to write in to the Internet Lady (that’s you) to help us. See, thing is, our son doesn’t want to wear his jacket. At all. He throws an absolute hissy about it when we try to put it on. We don’t want to give in to him, though, because then he’d have the upper hand on us! My parents think we should beat his little ass and tell him to put on the fucking jacket or else! But, my wife and I don’t want to do that, either. We will if you say, so, but we don’t want to. So, we worry. A lot. We’re thinking of putting him on Ritalin. Is there any alternative? Holy shit, if ever there was a poster case for the licensing of parents prior to child rearing, this is it. Okay, no, that’s too harsh. At least you’re asking for help. So you’re not the poster case. But, dude, wake up! Something is obviously bothering him about the jacket. It doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure out that he doesn’t want to wear it. So, don’t make him wear it. You’re smart enough to form sentences and use a computer, so, surely you’re smart enough to figure out some other clothing options without making it seem to world and him look like he got one over on you. Sigh. Prudie’s suggestion of a sweat shirt or sweater is a great start. You could even put a blanket in the car and offer him the choice of his jacket, a sweater, or the blanket. You tell him that he has to use one of the three, but that the choice is his. It ain’t rocket science, dude. Remember, you’re smarter than him for now. Or should be. Use that fact to your advantage. It doesn’t sound like it’s going to last long, so you’d better do it now while you still can.

LW#3: Prudie, my parents are broke. Worse than that, they’re in crippling debt. I like to pretend this is all about my father because he’s the one who lost his job and borrowed a bunch of money from the bank and stole money from my uncle and my mom, but, fact is, it affects both of them. Why do I only talk about my dad when I mention this?  I don't know.  Further, the only reason I even know any of this is because my mom told me, then immediately swore me to secrecy. My dad keeps giving me gifts and paying for things. I feel really bad. Especially because now I don’t even respect him anymore. What should I do? Wow, what a dysfunctional nutroll this shit is! Listen, the first thing you need to do is explain to your mom that you left middle school behind years ago and that you aren’t going to play the I’m-going-to-tell-you-this-secret-but-don’t-tell-so-and-so game. You don’t need that. At all. Second thing is, you’ve got to stop accepting things from them. Period. I don’t give a shit if they try to force gifts on you, you stop them! I quit accepting over-generous gifts from my parents at about age twenty. After that, if I needed help and they offered, I paid them back. In full. You need to adopt the attitude that you’re a functional adult and act like it. Finally, if you’re worried about their financial future, you could put money aside each month, if you can (but only if you can--you going into debt to help them doesn’t help anyone in the long run). Don’t give the money to them directly, but, keep in touch enough to know if they’re in need. If, for example, their car needs new tires, just go out and get the tires. Don’t ask. Just do it. When they protest, say, “You’ve always been so generous with me, now that I have a chance, and can, I want to return the favor.” Finally, this shit about not knowing if you can now respect your dad? Fuck off. That’s bullshit. We all make mistakes. Be big enough to understand that your dad is just a human being and recognize that he was never perfect. He, like you, was just doing the best he could. Sorry you had to learn this way that your dad’s a normal guy. That’s life. Get over it.

LW#4: Prudie, I recently broke up with my boyfriend and, though I don’t want to talk with him anymore, I just love his mom. And I want to keep in touch. Should I send her a note, asking if we can keep in touch? Is that wrong? Let’s see. Do you like her? Does she like you? Well enough that you feel you can actually talk about things like real live adults? Well enough that her absence in your life will hurt you? If so, you’re an idiot if you can’t just call her up and say, “Hey Joy, how are you?” That’s it. Easy. No mention of “I so hope we can stay in touch!” like you’re in some sort of damned chick flick. Just call. But, no mention of the son. Ever. You don’t say a word about him. You don’t ask about him. If she ever brings him up, you say, “Joy, I love you. I think you’re incredible and I love that we can be friends, but, I think it’s best we leave conversations about John out of the relationship. That way we don’t ever have to worry about motives, games, issues, etc. I hope we can do this because I really value your friendship.” I figured all of that out in about thirty seconds and I don’t even know the woman! Is being a grown up really so hard, or are you still in middle school and writing about your elementary school boyfriend? If you are in middle school, my hat’s off to you for being right on target. If you’re an adult, though, grow the fuck up and actually be an adult. I mean, really!

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Well shippers, that’s it for another week’s worth of letters. I’m almost caught up! Woohoo! So, I’m liking this new lagoon more and more. I hope you are, too. Did you see that my diving buddy, Mermaid, has joined us? That makes the move here to our new lagoon all but complete. I hope that you’ll check back regularly and spread the word about The Fly and all the great stuff here. I have one more column to do and then I’ll be on schedule for an every-Thursday post in response to Prudie. Thanks for reading! Write in and tell me how I’m doing and offer feedback if you want things to be different (just add a comment after this post). This column is for you, so, feedback is always welcome. Fair winds and following seas to you all, shippers!