...on Lying About College

http://www.slate.com/id/2222399/ (orig. 7/9/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Foud There

Ahoy! And happy Prudie Day to you, shippers! What a fine, fine Prudie Day it is, too! I can always tell when we’re getting into summer because seawater injection temperature (at least on the surface, where one must go to answer Prudie letters) gets a bit warmer, the holidays get farther apart, and the letters start to rile me more and more. Today was a pleasant exception to all, though, as it’s been unseasonably cool in these waters, we just passed the July 4th holiday, and the letters this week were actually pretty okay... So, without further ado...

LW#1: I lied to my girlfriend four years ago about my education, claiming I’d graduated from a prestigious engineering school. Worse still, that lie, as lies are prone to do, has snowballed to where now I’ve told her friends the same untruth. We’re talking marriage (me and my girlfriend, not me and her friends), and I’m feeling guiltier than ever about this fib. What should I do? Okay, first off, Prudie’s advice is fine. You do have to tell your girlfriend, and you need to do it now. Don’t hem and haw, just grow a set of balls and tell her. Explain why you did it, how horrible it’s made you feel, and tell her that you hope she understands. She might. Hopefully she will. She might not, and that’s just life. Regardless, it’ll be off your chest. Too, while you’re doing that, you need to get over your fascination with education and status. Yes, a degree(s) is a great thing to have, and I’m not knocking it. But it ain’t the end all, beat all of existence. You seem to hold education as significantly more important than actual knowledge and even seem to give it some sort of mystical status (I understand snotty hiring officials act this way, but you don’t have to). Get over that sort of elitist thinking. And go back to school, too, and actually graduate this time. Why not? You can go part time, yes? And don’t hold out for a “prestigious” school. Just go to an accredited school with good instructors and actually learn something.

Finally, when you admit your wild history of lies, your girlfriend may want to tell you a thing or two that she’s been keeping hidden (maybe). If she does, you’d better as hell be just as understanding and gracious and supportive as you hope she’ll be with you. However, if she mentions some wild, sweaty, hot and heavy flings with a submariner during times when you were out of town, I advise you to take that story with a grain of salt. She’s likely claiming that just to hurt you...

LW#2: My husband works in an office with a bunch of ex-military guys. I’ll call them “alpha males” in order to show off my pop psychology knowledge and my ex-military guy ignorance. They pick on him mercilessly about his very nice, pretty clothes (which are designer, by the way, and which take me quite awhile to pick out and match for him daily!) and my husband’s boss won’t do anything about this mean-boy behavior. What should I, er, I meant, he do about it? Okay, here’s something that I have a little bit of knowledge about. Trust me. ;-) First off, the military has a looooong tradition of highly valuing quick, zingy repartee as a badge of honor. The quickest and the best at it are admired. The worst are not shunned, necessarily, but they sometimes feel as if they are. In a military environment, how well one performs their job is far more valuable than anything else. How one dresses? Not so much. How one handles verbal jabs, though? Well, that says something about a person’s character (in this environment, anyway), whether fair or not. Prudie’s suggested homoerotic comeback was okay for a newbie, but it sets one up for a nasty comeback from these guys. Instead, your husband needs to grow a set of balls and start with something just as elementary as Prudie’s, but much more personal and less vulnerable, like, “Well, Greg, your wife seems to really like my clothes. As much as she rubs herself on them (and me) as we’re getting undressed, I’d say she actually loves them. So, hate on ‘em all you want, bro, I don’t give a shit.” And then he should walk away. But until you relinquish his balls, he’ll never be able to do that, so...

And, in the end, you should know that these guys are just having fun. Your husband works with them. He can join in on the fun or not. But, and I know this might sound like a crazed, nutty idea from some idiot who has no clue about this culture, you could go buy him some nice business clothes that actually fit in at a military/government work environment (remember the blue, gray, and brown colors you mentioned)?! I know, freaking radical idea, eh? Holy shit! Do you think pink is not going to be picked on in that type of environment? He works for the freakin’ military industrial complex, lady! Even, “subtle stripes” in pink are still pink, right? Are you really that fashion-conscious and yet that working environment stupid?

LW#3: I have two daughters and the younger of them has been diagnosed as autistic. My mother-in-law has since shunned her and only wants to spend time with the older one. I’m beside myself with anger at this boorish attitude. What should I do? As you may or may not know, I don’t like to answer real problems because I can’t be a smart ass. This letter deserves a real answer, so I’ll stick with Prudie on it. I think her advice is sound. Especially the part about having a private, come to Jesus, talk with MIL--one that that neither of your daughters should be privy to, but that should involve a healthy dose of your husband chastising his mom. If I say any more, I’ll be calling the MIL really nasty names, and I promised last week not to do that again, so...

LW#4: I’m in a great relationship with a woman I’ve known for years. It’s a respectful, kind and emotionally-fulfilling relationship. She has children from a previous marriage and they’re wonderful, too! The problem? I don’t love her. She loves me, god does she love me, because, I am, after all, the bee’s knees, but I don’t love her. I’m afraid her kids love me, too, and, while they’re okay, I don’t want to hurt them and I don’t really love them, either, because, well, there’s not nearly enough drama going on. What should I do? Okay, I’m going to have to take a wild guess here about what’s up because your head is so far up your ass that you can’t see the forest for the shit. Every major check mark for “love” is present here save one. She’s ugly, isn’t she? I’m talking blind date “oh she has a great personality” ugly. You find this woman to be a dog. A true dog. You’re repulsed by her, right? Embarrassed to be seen in public with her? Every time you’re out (if you even go out of the house with her), you’re afraid your friends will see the two of you and you’ll have to claim later that she suffered a terrible, disfiguring accident and that you were only out with her to help her reacclimate to society?

Here’s my advice. Run. Fast. Get far, far away from these excellent people. You don’t deserve them. Whatever your issues are, don’t inflict them on these people. I’m glad that you at least know enough to ask if you should stick around. Now, take heed of that little voice in your head and hit the road. Don’t damage this family any more. And dude, this next part is vitally important: after you break up with her and then find out that she’s seeing someone else and you amazingly realize how attractive she actually is, just walk away. Just because you’re a mess and don’t realize something wonderful when it’s put in your lap doesn’t mean that you have to subject others to your unfortunate affliction. Seriously.

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And that, shippers, is that. I wish for you all smooth sailing and calm seas...