From a Submariner's Perspective is a weekly column, written in response to the letters sent in to advice columnist "Prudie" at Each week, The Submariner responds to the letter writers in a way that author, Emily Yoffe, probably can't (but perhaps would like to...). Each entry is headed with a link to the orginal questions and Yoffe's answers. Enjoy!

Also, if you have questions that you'd like answered by The Submariner, or anyone here at "The Fly", just write to me at and I'll forward to the appropriate party/parties for an answer (or you can write to them directly via the e-mail addresses on their pages)! Once the answers are published, I'll drop you a note letting you know.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

...on God's Staying Of My Boyfriend’s Penis (11/25/2009) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Greetings Shippers! And Happy Holidays and a merry four-day weekend to you all! Too, Happy Prudie Day, one day early! And what a fine, fine Prudie Day it is, eh? Do you have visions of early-morning shopping dancing in your heads? Is Friday a day of competitive shopping for you? :-) No matter how you plan on spending the day, or any of your holidays, I hope that you’re all happy and healthy and warm and that there’s nothing but good coming your way for the holidays and beyond. But, before all of that, and before I get ahead of myself, let’s have a crack at these letters, shall we?

LW#1: Prudie, I have the bestest, most awesomest, greater-than-greatest boyfriend in the whole entire world! He’s absolutely the bee’s knees, Prudie, all wrapped up with a silver bow, dipped in honey, and then lightly dusted in powdered sugar to make him into Perfection Boyfriend with a side of stewed apples! The problem? Well, he’s withholding sex from me. Okay, wait, that sounds like a dichotomy. Let me start from the beginning. We’ve been dating for three years and he’s been all about having the sex every which way, all the time, telling me that he loves me, etc. Then, awhile back, when we moved in together, he decided that, on religious grounds, we needed to stop having sex because, due to his relationship with God, he’s decided that pre-marital sex is bad. Prudie, I admire his relationship with God, but that is pretty messed up right here. What can I do? Well, first off, and most importantly, you have to realize that this has nothing to do with God. Or religion. Sure, that’s a handy crutch that people have been using for millennia for doing/not doing whatever in the hell they want, but, it’s not what’s at work here (nor has it ever been). For whatever reason, this guy isn’t interested any more. Is it because, now that you’ve moved in together, he’s seen your dirty undies or maybe he’s realized that you do, on rare occasion, fart, or some other equally domestic thing that has turned him off because he’s not quite the bee’s knees you thought he was? Is it because, now that he can get it anytime he wants, it’s no longer appealing to him? No one can know that answer but him, but, you’ve got to know that, a) it’s not about religion, and, even more importantly, b) what it is about is manipulation. I’m not saying he’s manipulating you on purpose, but, I’m not saying he’s not. You know those women in terrible relationships you hear about on Oprah where, after twenty years of putting up with some douche bag, finally leave and say things like, “I never realized how controlled and manipulated I was.” That’s your future. This guy, conscious or not, is blaming God for his own change of mind. That’s bullshit with a capital shit and you need to leave him. Now. But, you’re not willing to do that are you? Because he’s already got you doubting yourself. And honey, that’s the first step to controlling you. I hope you read this because you’re about to become a Hallmark Sunday movie--well, 20 years from now (if ever) when you finally figure out what a spineless assmunch this guy is.

LW#2: Prudie, there’s a new girl in our small office. She’s lovely and wonderful, but, when a cute little laugh at the end a sentence would be just the kind of manipulative thing to affect to perfectly convey the right amount of vulnerability and nervousness, she snorts like a pirate. It’s a horrible snort. Terribly unladylike. I believe I should tell her about it because everyone notices it. How can I tell her that she needs to “nip it in the bud before it becomes a crazy habit that she carries through the rest of her adult life”??  Hmmm, so, this fresh, young, just-out-of-college girl snorts a bit sometimes and you’re worried about how it might affect her career if this “habit” continues? Condescend much? Why is it that I completely doubt that your motive is philanthropic? If you’re male, I’m going to say that you want to bed this fresh young thing but that you’re afraid that the girl’s snort will make you discernibly less turgid than you already are with your wife, and therefore even less able to perform than you currently are. If you’re a woman, I’m going to say that you’re the kind who thinks that looks, the right shoes, and appropriate hair-flicking are more important to climbing the corporate ladder than actually producing good work. Regardless, you’ve obviously never looked at Donald Trump’s hair. Talk about an annoying habit! Maybe he should change it so that he’ll be even more successful? My thought is that you should spend less time worrying about this girl’s “career” and “habits” and more time on your TPS reports. And if you’re genuinely worried, why not have a neutral third party observe you for a few days and then they can produce a report for you about your annoying habits. Once you fix all of those, then worry about this girl’s. Kay? Kay.
LW#3: Prudie, my father has been out of work for over a year. He left his last job due to personal issues with a petty and vindictive boss. As a result, he can’t use his last boss as a reference and has decided to put down my name instead. He’s asked me to act as if I was his supervisor and praise him to the heavens when I’m called. The problems with this idea are too copious to detail here, but, the most obvious is that I know nothing of his business (and second is that he raised me not to lie)! What should I do? Well, first off, you’re right, you know nothing of his business, which includes what type of worker he actually was. Secondly, why does he have to list his supervisor at all? He can enter “co-worker” or “colleague” or “shift supervisor”, etc. on his résumé and completely avoid the “boss”. No, there’s more to it than what you’ve been told. As for what you should do, though, I’d suggest being very frank with him and explaining that he’s put you in a terrible position by asking you to do this thing for him. Explain that you don’t know the first thing about his work, that you’re unwilling to participate in the ruse. Explain that you love and support him and that you know that if he does things the right way (the way he raised you), he’ll find a job. Finally, if you do get a call from a perspective employer, you can state that they have the wrong number, or that you now work for XYZ company and that you don’t wish to discuss anything about any other companies. Neither are complete lies and the strategy will allow you to beg off answering the questions without calling out your father to his potential employers. Good luck.
LW#4: Prudie, about six months ago, my wife and I moved into a new apartment. We can hear the neighbors fighting almost every night. Loudly. Perhaps violently? The language and attitudes are very abusive and we are worried for the wife. Also, the couple has a new baby, which makes us feel even more like we should say something. Should we call the police? If we do, they’ll pretty much know it was us who did as only one other couple shares a wall with them. What should we do? Should you call the police? What, as opposed to writing the Internet Lady? Listen, how will you feel if the wife and/or child end up dead? What if the wife gets a gun and shoots the husband for fear of her life? What if the bullet comes through your wall? If you’re just thinking a couple is fighting, you don’t call the police. However, when you’ve got proof of abuse, of course you do. I respect privacy as much as the next guy, but they’ve brought their fight into your home. Since you haven’t been specific about what you’re hearing, I can’t say for sure what you should do, but, I can say that once it went from suspicion of fighting (maybe someone saying something that indicates things aren’t rosy), to you actually knowing there’s fighting (black eyes, walls banging, abusive, threatening noise invading your space), you need to do something. Again though, I don’t know what you’re hearing, so I don’t know what’s appropriate. You can drop anger management pamphlets on their stoop, you can call CPS if the child’s in danger, and/or you can call the police if you feel a crime is being committed (abuse, beatings, etc). Regardless, start with talking to the apartment management because, even if this just how they “get along” it’s not fair for you to have to listen to their shit. Let management know what you’re hearing and how often. And don’t stop at telling them once if it continues. You have a right to not have your space invaded, too. Do the right thing.

So, Shippers, that’s it. May your gravy boats be full, your turkeys be stuffed and your cups runnething over and then over again. I’m off to decorate the lagoon and to BBQ a turkey (I’ve also caught some red snapper and mahi-mahi, and kept it raw, for my bestest diving buddy, MM). Happy weekend all. Fair winds and following seas...  And drive safely!


  1. Excellent responses, all of them (esp. to LW#1)

  2. *laughs* Excellent as always! A perfect holiday treat. :D

  3. Ah, Smaggie, a day early for Prudie and still you hit your mark! SNORT. I'm thinking you're ready for great eats on Thursday with all the sugar coating, all powdery and sparkly prose for LW1. SNORT. Great advice, it's so'ooo about "he's just not that into you" and does not have the balls to say it outright. SNORT.

    LW2 What a Riot! SNORT. LOL. SNORT More proof aliens are amongst us????? SNORT.

    LW3 Excellent advice Smaggie! SNORT.
    LW4 One last tidbit of advice, use these fighting morons to motivate you to save money for your own home, life is too short to live next door to more STUPID PEOPLE. SNORT.

    I must add that spineless munchass may become my new favorite term? SNORT. SNORT.

    Happy Thanksgiving...SNORT,SNORT,SNORT! And I worry about a simple quiet eye-tick developing due to being over I add SNORT to that list! Will this woman have pea's up her nose at dinner from all that snorting?

  4. Smaggie, I just read your comments to Widowson post headed, worshiping the orgasm and unenlightened...way to go! That entire post was worth the read.

    I also found HEMLOCK's take of the advent of the bible to be comforting, finally another human has my same thoughts.

  5. Hey j0y_ryde! Hey Corey! Glad to see you both here and thank you for stopping by the ol' lagoon. Did you get some pecan pie? ;-) Happy holidays!

  6. Hey Debbie! Listen, there's a little thing you might not be aware of, and it's something you may or may not be able to do anything about. You sometimes make a sound at the end of your sentences that distracts from what you've just said. If it's a tic, don't worry about it, because it's a minor thing. But if it's just a habit, if you become aware you're doing it, that should help you to stop.

    :-P HA! Yeah, didn't sound any better when I said it, did it? Yepper, I'm having some fun in The Fray today. I don't get to do that too often and it's been quite enjoyable. And yes, Hemlock is a hoot!

  7. There's PIE!!!? *nom nom nom*

    Also, I've been reading your posts on the Fray as well Smag, and I have to say that every time you drop the Fbomb it makes me smile. :D Good on ya for responding to those posts, and having a good time while doing it!

  8. Ah,'ve caught me! It's my daily tic, I often get bored with tic's so I change them out daily. Do you have a new tic I have yet to think of to try...this SNORTING is new for me but my nose is getting tired. Did you realize SNORTING like a PIRATE is exhausting?

    I can now see everyone (that comes here) next week sitting at their desks, bored out of their minds and reeling from Thanksgiving dinner with those beloved pesky relatives, testing out a bit of SNORTING just for the fun of it. I can see the heads bobbing up above the cubicle's now! WTF was that!

  9. Learning just what a TPS report is and what it has to do with people who work the kinds of jobs like the ones in Office Space has, so far, been the highlight of my semester. Having nothing better to do than pore over what the Transaction Processing System spits out sounds like exactly the sort of thing that fish guts ought to be thrown onto.

  10. Fox, an old boss of mine campaigned to have all status reports renamed to TPS reports. I think that no one else but me got it.

    I'm no biblical scholar, but if I recall correctly, premarital sez was all the rage in most stories (OT, mostly), and as for the NT, Jesus didn't like it when married people got down with nonspouses (one of those Commandment things somewhere), but he was mum on "not before marriage" for one and all. As for Paul, I suspect that he was asexual or something, because he went on at length about how he didn't think much of sex, but added that if *you're* into it, that's OK. Again, I'm no scholar, so don't quote me on this.

    That's just a longwinded way of giving an Amen to Smag for calling Shenanigans on the "God says so" excuse.

    LW2: SNIFF!
    (I sniffle all the time rather than snort)

    LW3: roll up a newspaper for your next talk with Dad. Then... Swat! "No! nnnnnNO!"

    LW4: Some 10 years ago the couple in housenext to mine would have mega-loud arguments. I listened carefully for thumps, bumps or shrieks, but heard none, but I still wanted to do... well, SOMEthing. My former housemate's reply, without looking up from the TV, no inflection: "It's not our business."

    At the time I wasn't sure if it was an East vs West way of thinking and doing, since I'd only newly arrived from the West. I'd like to think that West Coast people would be more inclined to help, but honestly? Probably not.

    btw, I never did hear bumping or thumping or screaming

    The world needs Mobile Couple Counselors. Like cops, they'd go on patrol and listen for couples arguing, then arrive at doorstep and plunk them down for a session.

    You can tell that I've never been in a relationship, right, heh heh heh heh

  11. Sound advice, as always, Smags, and a laff riot, too. I hope that all LWs can find their way here for a dose of the truth that they're supposedly looking for--although I'm finding it increasingly difficult to believe that the letters aren't made up. As so many others have sadly observed, it's hard to believe that people can be so STOO-pid.

    Good to see you back in The Fray! Much as I admire this new site, it does tend to attract like-minded individuals--which is great, but doesn't make for the same kind of spirited exchanges that develop among a more various crowd.

    Happy Thanksgiving, Flyers!

  12. Hey Corey! Of course there's pie! Today is Multiple Pie Day (or so I've been told)! ;-)

    Debbie, I do have suggestions for a new tick, but, I can't explain it to you in open forum. It's naughty a touch exhibitionist. But, if you do decide to take it up, I hope you'll consider posting pics here for all of us to enjoy! ;-)

  13. Amen Fox, and hang in there. Just keep your tie clear of that machine that fish guts should be thrown into (and also clear of the shredder) and all will be okay! ;-)

    herdthinner, this is excellent: LW3: roll up a newspaper for your next talk with Dad. Then... Swat! "No! nnnnnNO!"

    Thank you for the excellent laugh and wonderful imagery. :-)

  14. Hey fanshawe. While I won't be top posting in The Fray, it was never my intention to boycott it all together. But it takes too much time to work up an entire column just to have it purposefully edited, so, for my weekly column, its home is here. Now, as to the like-minded individuals here, I agree. But, just so you know, I welcome all comers! I keep waiting for Pogue to arrive. Alas, he's apparently stayed away for now. Maybe someday. :-)

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  15. Pogue Mahone's afraid of all the Real Women here. He knows we'd eat him alive. He'd rather sit over there on the Fray and get stroked by the likes of PiquePlace. Why yes, that was the sound of a gaunlet being thrown that you heard. And why should I care so much?

    You see ~ Pogue got my very first special invitation over here to Mermaid's Lagoon while it was still being filled. His absence smites my vanity. I shan't be resisted, Pogue!

    By the way, thanks for keeping it raw for me, Diving Buddy. You always know just how your Mermaid likes it. ;)

    A very happy Multiple Pie Day to you, my Captain!

  16. And a very happy Multiple Pie Day to you, too, my bestest Diving Buddy! As for Pogue's resistance, that's between you and him. I've always found you simply irresistible. ;-)

  17. Pogue Pie? Bleah. Give me pecan, pumpkin or even COOSHAW anyday, Mermie.

  18. Captain Smag, happy after Thanksgiving day! My little raft seems to be getting deeper in the water... could it be that turkey, etc etc etc.

    Is 10AM too early for pumpkin pie?

    I quite agree with you. Never trust a guy (of gal) who prefers having sex with god than with you. Of course in Greek myth god took all sorts of interesting forms --you know Leda and the Swan, Europa and her amazing bull, and then I can't remember the gal who was seduced by a shower of gold..... The goddesses did a few things too but their chosen mortal to be seduced were more complying, if I remember right.... so Captain, you're so right, there's no telling whom or what this "saved raclure de bidet" is fornicating with! (pardon my French!)

  19. Debbie, your snort post is to snort (die) for!

  20. Smags, I sent you an e-mail....

  21. About neighbors' noises, I do agree that if there is the slightest hint of abuse, something should be done about it. However I just remember something that happened long ago and involved very different kind of noise.

    My kids were still small at the time, my eldest was 11. We were renting a downstairs apt. and we only had upstairs neighbors: a very nice and energetic young couple. They got it on most nights and their beds was making extremely loud thumping. I was just too embarassed to say anything or to explain to my kids what the thumping over their heads was all about.

    So one night as the thumping came to its crescendo end I heard my oldest daughter yell at the top of her voice "touch down!"

    We never heard a sound after that, figured they took to doing in on the floor instead of the bed...

  22. Happy Black Friday, Smag!!! I just got around to reading Prudie's column today. Not a particularly interesting bunch of letters, but you can't have great ones every week, now, can you?
    At least your responses are always scintillating. And that's what I'm grateful for this year.

  23. Oh, Spacey, I love me some Pecan Piiiiieeee!

    Hey Kati! Welcome! :-) Yepper, the submarine is riding a little lower today, too. As you suspected, that's due to a natural post-Multiple Pie Day effect. Don't worry. Things will be back to normal within a few days. Yay! I'll check my e-mail shortly!

  24. Hey Catseye! Happy Black Friday to you, too! Thank you for the good wishes as well!

  25. It's the Monday after and I'm still enjoying turkey along with your advice Smag! We skipped the pies and had pumpkin spice cake with orange-pineapple cream cheese frosting instead. Christmas will definitely see the Drambuie pumpkin chiffon pie though.