...on Stupid Drunken Puking Interns, Among Others

http://www.slate.com/id/2259807/ (7-08-2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey-hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are you on this fine, fine Prudie Day?! Holy smokes, what a humdinger bunch of letters we’ve got here! I mean, I’m so excited about all the good stuff in store, I may just have to excuse myself! ;-) Okay, maybe not that excited. But still! So, how is everyone? How’s your week been? Your summer? I hope that you’re all enjoying yourselves to the fullest! And, here’s hoping these letters help in that pursuit (they did for me)! So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I just landed a dream internship in the entertainment industry! Yay for me! On my first day, we had a fabulous project and even had an after party in a bar! Well, I got entirely shit-faced slobbery drunk and wound up back at my boss’ house. When we got there, he repeatedly tried to kiss me! I have no idea why, as I thought he was gay, but, that’s irrelevant, because I then puked on his rug. He took care of me, let me sleep it off on his couch, and even apologized the next day and asked me not to quit. My question is, due to all of this crazy harassment, should I quit? Sue him? Take him down in a blaze of legal glory and then take his job (I am talented)? I mean, this is a pretty heavy issue, Prudie, and I don’t reckon he should get a free pass! What say you? Signed, Trying Hard to (Never) Work in the Entertainment Industry

Dear Dumbass Idiot Knucklehead. So, let me get this straight? You got drunk. At a work party. You then let a boss drive you to his house (what, too drunk to operate your arm to hail a cab)? You then puked in his living room? All of this, and you’re wondering if he was out of line and if you ought to somehow hold him responsible for harassment?! Let me clue you in, you fucking dimwitted, asinine, air-brained, not-taking-responsibility-for-your-own-actions, blaming-others-for-your-shortcomings, foolish ass-wipe. How fucking dare you?! Don’t you realize that there are people out there who are victims of actual harassment? The real kind, you fucking twat? Do you realize that EVERY SINGLE BIT of what happened to you that night was your fault, other than your boss trying to kiss you, which, by the way, dipshit, he didn’t manage to do?!  Yet, somehow, you’ve overlooked EVERY SINGLE BIT of your shitty behavior?! Fine, he tried to kiss you. Boo-fucking-hoo. Let’s put that on Side A of our scales of justice, shall we? Now let’s pile your crimes on Side B? Got so drunk you puked yourself? Check.  Then unwittingly found yourself at your boss’ house, puking in his living room? Check and check.  Blaming others for your behavior instead of understanding who was at fault for where you found yourself? Yep, check.  So, hmmm, given all that, sure, you have an excellent case! Isn’t it obvious?! Please do try to nail this guy for “harassment”. Why not?  And please, oh please, make sure you film it.  I’ve asked this of LWs in the past and they never do it. Which is a shame.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, when my son was five years old, he wanted a very expensive gaming system. My husband and I told him he’d have to save for it himself. And you know what, Prudie?! He did! He holed away every penny of his birthday, Christmas and other special money until he’d saved up over half the cash! My husband and I were so impressed with his frugality that we chipped in the other half. Fast forward two years. My husband’s uncle really liked my son’s gaming system and offered to buy it for nearly two-thirds its original price (on weekly increments of $20). My son saw this as a great way to buy the latest system and eagerly agreed. Well, even though his payments were erratic, the uncle made most of the payments and my son bought the new system. But, after losing his job, the uncle has not made the last $20 payment. It’s been months, Prudie. I find this behavior reprehensible! How can I make the uncle pay what he owes my fucking son?! Signed, Trying Hard Not to Shred Someone’s Face

Dear Tightwad. Do you want me to vindicate your feelings? Okay. Yes, the uncle sucks, I guess (does he even know he owes the last payment?  Could it be he just forgot to carry the two?  Or maybe you did?). So yepper, he sucks.  About twenty whole dollar's worth of suck. There. Happy? Now, let’s talk about the lessons your son can learn from this whole soap opera. This is a great way for him to learn that even people who should do better sometimes don’t. And that there are all sorts of reasons for it. Some excusable, some not. You know what else he can learn about people? That some are assholes who dwell on petty slights and some move on and tackle the next big challenge. Just sayin’. I wonder if your husband is pissed about this, or if he has already chalked this up to “Uncle Ed being Uncle Ed”? My guess is that he has because I’m guessing you’re not the font of knowledge and wisdom from whence your son gets his good graces. Why don’t you take a page from them both and move on? It’ll do your stress levels some good. But hey, if you need the drama, take that new game system from your son and tell him that until he collects that $20, he doesn’t deserve the system! Tell him that you’re only doing this to teach him responsibility so that he doesn’t end up like Uncle Ed. And please film it, if you do? Please?

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I’m a successful, powerful, Armani suit-wearing executive. I’m also gay. That last fact has never really mattered in my group of co-workers, but recently a group of us was talking about two straight female celebrities kissing on an awards show. While most everyone agreed that it was just a stunt, one woman, with whom I’ve always been close, went on and on about how disgusted she was by that “trash” and how there were kids watching! She ranted about it, Prudie! As you might imagine, I took this a little personally. Since then, she’s apologized and said her comments “weren’t aimed at me.” I’ve accepted her apology, but I’m still pretty miffed about it. It’s hurt our close relationship and she can tell that something’s up, even asking me if I’m still mad. I don’t want this to have an impact our personal relationship, but, how can I put this behind me? Signed, Out and Proud, but also Pretty Pissed

Dear Pissed. Dude, you just got a look into this woman’s true self. Perhaps your first one ever. Had the TV couple been hetero, but they just so happened to be black and white, and had the “stunt” been them kissing, how would your black colleagues react to such words from this woman? Her lame-assed efforts at damage control aside, you’ve described this woman’s words as having been “ranted”, making you “uncomfortable” and “bothered”, belying a tone of “disgust toward gay people”. And you’re wondering how to put this behind you? Here’s what I’d do. I’d tell her exactly how her words felt! I’d tell her exactly how you took them, and, how her excuse that the comment wasn’t “aimed” at you is a fucking, goddamned cop out! If she’s a bigot, she’s a bigot. And all the “oh, I didn’t mean you” in the world isn’t going to change that. If all she was talking about was the kissing, and the gender of those kissing was irrelevant to her, that’d be one thing. But I’m thinking you’re intelligent enough to know and sense the difference, and I’m not going to insult you by insinuating that you missed those cues. Listen, there’s not enough time in the world for people like this. I’d put this behind you by putting her behind you! And if you do, and, you know, if you want, please film it.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, my younger sister is pregnant with her first. She’s going fucking batshit crazy, Prudie! She’s registered for two stores. No, not at two stores (although that’s true), but for two stores’ worth of baby stuff. She’s insane! Prudie, she’s having four baby showers. I think it makes her look greedy, crazy and über materialistic. I believe that she’s embarrassing herself. What can I do or say without upsetting her? Signed, Excited But Ashamed Auntie

Dear Auntie. Thank you for a sane letter. Well, relatively-speaking. Look, you are forgetting what registries are for. They’re for listing stuff that you want. They’re not for, “Hey, you guys need to buy me every item on this list or I’ll cry!” It’s like, if I have a choice between two versions of a thing and I register for one, it’s just showing you my preference between the two. It doesn’t mean you have to buy it! It’s a wish list! And that’s okay. And, too, if you think back to before your first little one, you’ll remember how nuts you were with all of the expectations of how great you’d be at parenting, how you’d never pick up a pacifier off the floor and lick it clean before putting it back in baby’s mouth (hell, you probably thought you’d never even use a pacifier!). Now you know that you don’t even have to lick ‘em, just wipe ‘em off on your pants and call it good. But your sister is in the first-time-parents mode. So have a little sympathy. But, as for the four showers, that is a bit crazy. However, it’s also none of your business. The only person in this world that you can control is you. So, buy her a nice present, attend a shower or two (whatever you want), and enjoy yourself. If she asks for advice, give it. Without judgment. If you see she’s doing something stupid (like buying a toddler bed before even giving birth), you can offer that she might better-spend her money elsewhere and how that bed isn’t going to be used for quite awhile. But not in a judgmental way. Only as the voice of experience. Make sure to check yourself for jealousy at all turns and bite your tongue more than you use it. I’m sure everything will be fine by the time the new bundle of joy is out of diapers. It always works out in the end. Honest! Hang in there, okay? Most new parents are a little nuts, it’s just that they’re usually not your sister. Here’s betting you were a little nuts in your sister’s eyes! Hell, we recently had two new dads here who, in their new-parent exuberance, were going to go sans diapers...

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Alrighty there, Shippers, that about does it! I’m off for Germany tomorrow for work, so next week’s column will be coming to you straight from the Mother Land (provided you’re of German descent). It’s okay, though, as they have ‘net connections there in Europe. Honest! Fair winds and following seas to you, Shippers! And many happy returns...