...on Bountiful Brows and Butt-Hurt Brides

http://www.slate.com/id/2261488/ (7/29/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? It is a fine one, too! I learned yesterday, completely by accident, that my favorite non-intentionally funny movie “Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon” is being remade! Maybe. With Samual L. Jackson in the previously seminal role of “Sho’Nuff”, the terribly mean bad guy in the flick. "Am I the meanest?!"  "Sho'Nuff!"  "Am I the baddest?!"  "Sho'Nuff!"  I don’t know who’ll play the good guy lead, (Bruce) Leroy, but, whoever it is, I must see it. The original is too wonderfully bad not to watch any attempts at topping it! My cinematic meanderings aside, though, we’ve got letters today! So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my seven-year-old daughter is butt ugly. Fortunately, it’s only her horribly disfigured eyebrows that are causing this. To say they’re overgrown is like saying the Amazon Rain Forest has a couple of nice trees. Prudie, I’m pretty sure my daughter is related to Sasquatch. I’d like to think that I’m all enlightened and all about inner beauty and other bullshit like that, but, I’m not Prudie. Fact is, I want to laser that hairy shit off of her face this very instant. If there’s plastic surgery available to remove the hair-growing uni-brow portion of her forehead skin, I want her to have it! And I don't care who knows it!  Prudie, I have nightmares about her eyebrow hair growing around my throat and choking me. What can I do? Signed, Natural Eyebrows are for Ugly People

Dear Nature Lover. What are your limits? If her boobs don’t come in fast enough or full enough for you, will you encourage surgery? Not to “DD” cups. Of course not. You’re not that shallow. But a nice oversized “C” should do, yeah? Yeah. What about her ass? I hear that implants are all the rage. Look, I realize that a little hair removal isn’t plastic surgery, but your daughter is seven-fucking-years-old. Chill out. I know, why don't you strive to just be aware of your daughter’s anxieties and help her navigate them once they occur, instead of, you know, being the cause of them. If you do that, maybe when she’s ready, and asks, you can take her to have her brows done. Until then, why don’t you practice encouraging her self-worth rather than undermining it.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’m getting married soon and my fiancé and I want to honor our families by having them walk down the aisle ahead of us. My family is bigger than my fiancé’s, and this has caused a problem. I want eight people to walk down the aisle for me, he wants four to walk for him. This has caused his butt to hurt and he wants me to drop four people, or he wants to be able to add friends to his side. I’m flabbergasted that he’s being such a selfish prick. I want my people and I don’t want him adding random people just because. What can I do? Signed, I am Not A Bridezilla

Dear Yes.You.Are. And your hubby-to-be is, too. WTF is up with you two, over? So, he wants you to drop some people. That hurts your butt. He then childishly says, “Fine, if you don’t want to drop your siblings, I’ll add some of my beer buds!” This hurts your butt, too. You sure are a couple of butt-hurt individuals, aren’t you? Holy fuck. So, you can’t figure this out, huh? What if, you know, your families walked all intermingled down the aisle so that no one had to know whose were whose? What if, you know, you didn’t play a game of one-upmanship with each other like you’re both in pre-school and just accepted that you’re honoring your fucking families here, not playing who has the bigger penis? Oh, I know! What if you two decided that your wedding is not a Broadway musical and just acknowledge everyone by simply inviting them to what is bound to be a torturous ceremony? Jesus Christ, how are you honoring them if you can’t even figure out who to include in your “walk of honor”? There’s no honor there, that’s just narcissism and petty bullshit.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I raised two children as a single parent. By choice. I now realize how completely and totally wrong I was. Children need two parents, no matter what! I had to work seven jobs and beg on the streets in order to give my kids everything that their peers had. After my kids grew up and moved out, I married a wonderful man who had a teen daughter. Like with my children, we gave her everything we possibly could (see how much better having two parents is?!). Now, years later, with the economy being what it is, we’re in the poor house. We have no retirement savings and yet our kids all have jobs and live well (as far as we know). Prudie, they never offer to treat us to dinner (not even on our birthdays) nor ask how we’re doing financially. This pisses me off to no end. What can I do? Signed, Hurt Mom

Dear Hurt. You imply that you were a terrible parent while singly raising your two children. Somehow, that implies that you’ve improved now that you’re married. News flash: you’ve not improved. At all. You still equate materialism and spending money on someone with actually loving them. Until you figure out that the two aren’t related, you’ll continue to be disappointed. And let me tell you something else: marital status has nothing to do with child rearing capability. Neither does race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or age. Nope, you jackass, love, respect and understanding are the most important things. Oh-for-three on that front, eh Skipper? Sorry to hear that. Hey, at least now you’re married.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’m a bargain hunter and sometimes find great coupons that allow me to eat at restaurants that I could not otherwise afford. Is it cheap or tacky to use such coupons on a date--especially a first date or early dates? Signed, At Least I Didn’t Buy My Teenagers New Cars Like A Jackass

Dear Mr. Frugal. No, it’s not cheap. It’s wise. Is it tacky, though? That depends. Are you stiffing the waiter, or treating him/her poorly? Are you pretending to be able to afford the restaurant in order to impress your date, hoping beyond hope they won’t see the coupon or order from certain areas of the menu? Or, are you treating the wait staff appropriately, being decent and honest and good to your date (and encouraging her/him to order whatever he/she wants) and hoping the two of you enjoy a night out you couldn’t otherwise afford? If you don’t want your date to know you’re paying with a coupon, either don’t go to that restaurant or don’t go out with that person. It ain’t rocket science.

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Well, there you have it, Shippers! Another week of bad advice! Tune in to the comment section (below), where you might see Tarky say, “Smaggie, another week like this and I’m going to personally submit your name to the NSA for a full body cavity search!” Good cheer, all. Fair winds, following seas and good travels to you all! It is summer, afterall!