http://www.slate.com/id/2258354/ (7/01/10) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There
Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I have to say, as late as Prudie’s column was published today, I wasn’t sure if we were going to get one! Imagine my relief when I saw it! A week’s worth of built-up snark is a dangerous thing, Shippers! I had a wonderful week leading up to this one. I hope you all did, too! But, since we’re running late, let’s dispense with the pleasantries and get crackin’ on the letters, shall we?
LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’m 35 years old and in a great relationship with a great woman. Life is great! We’re at that stage in our relationship where I’m starting to seriously think about settling down, buying a pet, starting a family, taking up gardening, and maybe even starting to wear tweed jackets. Isn’t that awesome?! Everything would be perfect except for one problem. I was a sperm donor in college and I’m afraid my potential fiancée would be upset if someone were to ever show up at the door claiming that I’m his/her father. I’m inexplicably torn about what to do here, Prudie. Tell my fiancée, or keep mum. Can you help me? Signed, More in the Loins than in the Brain
Dear Loins, I guess that I’m not sure why you’re writing? I mean, do you even realize what most people’s secrets are? Yours is like kindergarten fodder when compared to the ex-stripper, ten-time abortion-having, former-drug-using, eight cheerleading team-screwing, experimented with homosexual sex in college, masturbated to little people porn, golden shower-liking, ex-hooker (or hooker ex-purchaser) pasts of other people. Just tell her already, dude. Fuck! If you’re honestly sweating over revealing this to her, then I’ve got news for you. She ain’t all that great. Or, you’re stupid. One of the two. Or both.
LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’m an experienced litigator with a problem. I’ve just become a partner at a great firm, but, in meeting new clients, my appearance seems to be an issue. I’m a petite, feminine-looking blond woman who tries to play down her femininity by dressing as neutrally as possible (including bland makeup, not doing my hair and binding my titties). But male clients sometimes say things like, “Wow, you don’t look all that mean. Are you sure you can, you know, hang with the big dogs?” Women clients never say things of this type. Prudie, I have to admit, it pisses me right off. I’m a fucking great litigator, and if they can’t see past my dainty exterior, fuck them! What should I do? Signed, My Eyes Are Up Here, Assholes
Dear Eyes, I guess I’m not sure why you’re writing? I mean, you say that you’re an experienced litigator, right? You even protest that you’re a good courtroom lawyer. Yet you can’t figure out that you’re being bullied by a bunch of knuckle dragging fuck stains? Holy shit, what does it take to become a partner, just a bubble gum wrapper diploma? Grow some balls, Woman! First off, what’s with this anti feminine-looking bullshit you’re trying to pull off?! Professional women can embrace their femininity without looking like they’re ready to jump into the sack or looking like they need a sack, you know? You’re being fucked by the man in the way you carry yourself and in the way your perceive yourself. Stop it! Why don’t you try actually believing the bullshit you’re selling and be confident enough in your ability that some asshole throw away comment won’t shake you from that belief. If someone ever tells me that I don’t look like I can do my job because I don't look bookish enough or nice enough to get the data I need (I work in a pretty female-dominated field), I’d laugh at them. Honestly. Not out of hubris, mind you, just out of actual, honest certain and unflappable faith that I really am good at my job. If you are, and if you believe it, these little comments will not make you uncomfortable, they’ll only display for you what assholes you have for clients. Here’s hoping they become fewer and farther between.
LW#3: Dear Prudie, my older daughter is getting her ears pierced for her birthday. She’ll be ten. Our other daughter, who’s six, was very excited about the news and said that she wanted to come and watch the procedure, to which my oldest daughter snottily replied, “No, you heinous brat, I don’t want you there! I hate you and wish you’d never been born!” This outburst made me quite angry. To the point that I was going to force the eldest to apologize and have her little sister along or else there would be no piercings! I want to force them to get along, Prudie, because I think that sisters should get along. They’re sisters, god damnit! Plus, I was a younger sister and my older sister used to piss me off something fierce. My husband, who’s an older brother, thinks we ought to acquiesce. He says the oldest is always being made to play with the youngest and sometimes it just plain sucks to always have to drag them along to everything. What should we do, Prudie? I’m so confused that I can barely function. Signed, Two Kids, Four Un-pierced Ears, and Loads of Pain
Dear Pained, I do know why you’re writing. You’re an idiot. Now that you’re both adults, do you get along with your evil older sister who never wanted to do anything with you as you two were growing up? And are you still holding resentment from childhood? Think it’s time to let that go? Holy smokes, how hard is this? How many solutions are there to this problem? It’s not a hard one and if you can rub two brain cells together and quit making it such a huge dramatic reenactment of your own childhoods, you and your husband could figure it out in no time. But, since you seem to be struggling mightily, here is how a non-challenged parent would handle it. First of all, you can’t accept mean girl behavior. So, older sister does need to apologize, sincerely, or else lose the privilege of having her ears pierced. Second, younger sister needs to be told that when she’s ten, she can have her ears pierced “like a big girl”, but, since this is a special thing, it’ll be just mommy and daughter time for you and the elder, just like, when it’s her turn, you and she (the younger) will go together. Daddy can hang out with the younger having some ice cream or playing video games or running around making fun of female lawyers. It’s okay if the girls separated every once in awhile. Push them together like you are and it’s only natural they’ll get pissy. You think it’s difficult now? Keep up the vicarious sister bonding via the younger daughter and see just how nasty it’ll get.
LW#4: Dear Prudie, my cousin “Bill” is getting married next month to his fianceé, “Jane”. Due to the short courtship and their living out of state, most of the family hasn’t yet met Jane. Upon learning of the good news, my older sister, “Bitchy McDumbassedbitchmeister”, wrote Jane a note introducing herself and in it asked Jane to change the wedding date (as my sister had other plans on that day). Jane declined the request to change dates and Bitchy’s feelings got hurt. Bitchy then did her bitchy thing and bitched about Jane’s petty meanness to anyone and everyone who’d listen. As a result, Jane decided to not send Bitchy an invitation to the wedding (I mean, Bitchy did say she already had plans, right?). So now, several family members aren’t going to attend the wedding because Bitchy was somehow uninvited by Jane. How can I fix this, Prudie? Signed, Stuck in the Middle Again
Dear Stuck, I’m going to make this short and sweet. Your sister is an unbelieeeeeeeevable asshole. She is a bitch of highest order. She is the kind of person who’d feign an illness at someone’s wedding in order to have the attention on her instead of on the wedding party. Your family, at least the members who aren’t coming to the wedding due to this power play, are idiots, too. All of them. And finally, you are an idiot for even entering into this! What the hell are you doing? Is this any of your business? At all? Nope! Not even slightly. What you need to do is find a nice dress, go to the wedding, have a great time, tell Jane how wonderful she looks, and, congratulate your cousin. If anyone brings up your sister, you say, “I’m sorry, but, I have no idea how any of that went down and I don’t care to know or discuss it.” Then don't. Here’s the thing, Stuck in the Middle, you’re only stuck there because you’ve put yourself there. Your family is way dysfunctional and you’re all, to a person, enabling bad behavior. If you stay out of other people’s shit storms, you won’t be all covered in shit, now will you? Amazing how that works. If you decide to take this advice (which you won’t), you’ll be amazed at how nice it feels to be clean.
Well Shippers, that’s about it! It’s raining here. Hurricane Alex. What a perfect time to snuggle up on the couch, sip some coffee and read a book. Or watch a movie. Or two. Trust me, you won’t regret it. ‘Til next week, then, fair winds and following seas to ya, Shippers!