http://www.slate.com/id/2272643/ (10/28/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There
Hey hidey ho, Shippers! How the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I hope that all’s well, that it’s a bright, shiny, happy day, and, that you enjoyed today’s letters! I know that I did! I’m glad because, with the way they’ve been lately, I was thinking I was going to have to spice things up a bit by offering something like, “So, corporal punishment of your kids? Yes or no?”, but, now I can save that topic for a later edition, you know, in case it’s needed. That said, let’s get crackin’ on these letters, shall we?
LW#1: Dear Prudie. I’m a happy-go-lucky 20-something in a two year relationship with the “most beautiful, fascinating woman I've ever met.” We’re talking about getting married, and I couldn’t be happier! Well, except for one little problem that’s sort of snowballed into a moral dilemma (you know, that old chestnut). My girlfriend’s parents are very traditionally religious and they really, really do not believe in premarital sex. We recently went on vacation with them (I slept in a separate room from my girlfriend, of course), but, one night my girlfriend talked me into having sex with her in the back yard (she’s got a thing for outdoor sex). The next morning, my girlfriend’s grandma insisted she’d seen two people in the back yard having sex, but, since she’s been bordering on senility for quite awhile now, no one believed her! And it looks like her insistence on what she saw (boy, does she continue to insist--over and over and over) will end up being the catalyst for the family deciding to put her in a home. My girlfriend and I would like to come forward, but are worried about that our relationship will suffer due to her parents’ anger over the backyard tryst. What should we do? Signed, Night Weenie
Dear Whipped But Good! First off, let me set you straight on something right up front you little shit! Your girlfriend didn’t “talk you into” sex in the back yard. You whipped it out, brother! You stuck it in! You need to learn to take responsibility for your actions (and she for hers). Blaming your girlfriend for your actions is pussy-boy behavior, plain and simple! That personal responsibility thing? I hope you wrote that down as you’ll see it again and again and again. Next up, I don’t care how young or stupid you are, it is morally reprehensible that you would even consider not telling her parents! Are you fucking kidding me?! Forget grandma going into a home--that might be the best place for her anyway (and hopefully she’d never be put there if it wasn’t, and hopefully, too, that decision would be based on many appropriate criteria and indicators, not just this one)--and think about the fact that your failure to speak up is making her look like senile! A woman who knows she’s right and you’re letting her take the fall?! For a little night sex?! That’s like being gay and passing anti-gay legislation in order to make sure the focus is off of you! It’s like condemning a cheating politician while you’ve got interns under your own desk! Allowing grandma to take the fall for your actions is the very height of hypocrisy and moral bankruptcy. I wouldn’t want you as a son-in-law, either! Holy shit! Look, all of my mean language aside, I’m going to give you some very practical advice: if you don’t have the balls to talk to your girlfriend’s family, and she can’t do it, either, what makes you think your marriage is going to be any different? Either you are an adult, capable of making your own decisions, on your own terms, or you are not. And if you’re not, you need to quit pretending that you are. Right now? I see a couple of scared little kids who aren’t mature enough to even be in a sexual relationship, much less considering marriage. Let’s hope that you grow the fuck up before grandma is shuffled off to Serenity Acres and thrown on the pile of medically-induced calmness that “lives” there.
LW#2: Dear Prudie. My husband and I are celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary by renewing our vows because a sow bitch of a woman posing as my mom’s best friend ruined our actual wedding and I want to replace those memories with happier ones. See, six months after our original wedding, my family found out that my dad and my mom’s supposed best friend had been having an affair. Since the “best friend” was our informal wedding planner, even participating in the wedding by screeching some out of tune song or other, the whole event’s been ruined for all of us. My mom wants me to throw things away from the wedding that remind her of her ex-BFF, and I can’t even watch the wedding video because it makes me weep. My question is, when people ask why my husband and I are renewing our vows, what should I tell them? I don’t want to spill the whole sordid story (much), but, that is the reason? Signed, No One’s Going To Fuck Up My Wedding This Time
Dear OMFG Helicopter! You are truly a fucking psycho hose beast, drama queen of the first order, aren’t you?! I don’t know if your husband qualifies for that designation, too, but you’re mom certainly does (some things just run in the family)! First off, you found out about this six fucking months after your wedding, yet, you’ve chosen to go back and poison an event that I presume was perfect in your mind prior to learning of this truly terribly tragic and completely uncommon news? Give me a fucking break. You love drama, don’t you? You live for it, actually! And now you’re looking for drama in your vow renewal! A vow renewal and you want the drama! “OMG, Prudie, what will I do if I just happen to slip up and tell someone why we’re renewing our vows?” “OMG, Prudie, what if someone actually asks me why we’re doing it? What can I possibly tell them?” Listen up, Cinderella, no one gives a flying fuck except you and your mom. You say, “Because it’s a special anniversary and we wanted to celebrate it in a special way.” That’s it. But that’s not nearly good enough for you two crazies, is it? Oh hell no! You want to bring down the drama, don’t’cha? And your mom?! What the hell is up her ass? She’s forgiven your father, but this woman who magically made your father’s dick hard using, what, dark magic and witchcraft, is now so poisonous a presence that 15 years after the fact she’s still affecting your lives? Let me tell you something: you and your mom (not the ex-friend) are perpetuating an evil, psycho bitch hatchet job on your family’s lives and if I was your husband, I’d take this time to go to the courthouse to renew my singlehood, not my vows. Get another hobby, you nut job.
LW#3: Dear Prudie. Through no fault of my own (it was actually a boss’s mistake), I found out that a co-worker of mine makes $6,000 more per year than I do. We do the same job, I have more industry experience, industry specific certifications and a bachelor’s degree. She has a master’s degree only and sucks at her job. And smells bad, too! Yeah, that’s the ticket! I’m pissed and feel like I’ve been kicked in the face. What should I do? Signed, Dumber than Dirt
Dear Idiot. You are an idiot. First off, you need to recognize that what you value in your job and what your bosses value in your job is obviously not the same thing. Feel kicked in the face all you want, but, fact is, your anger and seething rage is unfounded (especially when aimed at your coworker, which, though you didn’t say it, is obvious). Your coworker applied for a job, got it, and takes home the salary that she was offered to do that job. You comparing your credentials to hers is a fool’s errand because you don’t know why your bosses are paying her more (though you clearly think you have it all figured out why they shouldn’t be, don’t you? And, while we’re on the subject, just in case you don’t know how it works, one who has a Master’s Degree also owns a Bachelor’s. Just sayin’.). Let me repeat the important phrase. You don’t know why they’re paying her more. So, it’s sort of obvious who you need to talk to, eh? And, to me, it’s obvious who you should be angry at, too (if you absolutely must be angry, which, frankly, is just not appropriate in this situation). That would be your bosses and yourself, respectively. Tell your bosses what you found, and how you found it (that detail is important), and ask if there’s anything you can do to increase your pay. Your coworker? You don’t mention her! You talk in generalities. Your coworker’s just doing her job. Leave her the fuck out of this, understand? She’s an innocent. And if you fuck things up for her due to your unhappiness with your lot in life (which, apparently you were all happy and satisfied with prior to your discovery), may you die six thousand tiny little deaths per year for the rest of your spiteful and petty professional life.
LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’ve got an iron stomach and steel constitution. I’m like the freakin’ paragon of health! Yet, the last two times I’ve eaten at the house of a particular couple, I’ve gotten terrible food poisoning. I’m talking bad ju-ju! So, I’ll never again eat food they’ve prepared or touched. Problem is that I enjoy their company and they enjoy cooking and they are starting to wonder why I don’t want to come over. What should I say to them? Signed, Won’t Eat Their Sushi
Dear Iron Man. I hate to ask this (well, no I don’t), but, is it possible they’re poisoning you? I mean, are you rich and are they in your will? Might they be the beneficiaries of a life insurance policy on you that you aren’t aware of? Those possibilities aside, I think you have to just say to them, “Look guys, I’m really sorry, but, the last two times I’ve have dinner at your place, I’ve gotten really sick. Not just kind of sick, but really sick! And, seeing that I’m never sick (ever!), I have to conclude that I’m allergic to something in your kitchen. So, I’m happy to meet for dinner, or to have you over to my place, but, I’m sorry, but, I just can’t risk going through that again.” Now, of course, ideally, you would have called them after the first bout and ask them, politely, if they’d gotten sick because you’d retched all night and were trying to eliminate potential causes. Then, if you’d repeated it a second time, that would have made your final declaration of not eating at their place more palatable (no pun intended). But, since you didn’t do that, you’ve just got to approach them cold. Be apologetic but firm. Unless they got sick, too, I doubt it was due to spoiled or bad food or poor preparation habits, and rather due to some esoteric ingredient that they’re used to cooking with that your body doesn’t process well. By approaching them from that vein, instead of from a place that insinuates that they’re unclean, roach poachers (even though they may be), I think you’ll get better results. Good luck (and maybe consider hiring a taster for when they’re around!).
Well, Shippers, that about does it for me. I’ve recently been tipped off that a time traveler’s been caught on a film from the 1920s, speaking on her cell phone (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/28/time-traveler-caught-in-1_n_775194.html). I will spend the rest of the day investigating that possibility, probably by using my own time machine to go back to that exact date to see if I can spy the woman for myself. Of course, I’m pretty sure it’s a hoax, because, as we all know, when you travel through time, you lose your clothes and anything you’re carrying, so, she couldn’t really have had a cell phone... ;-) Fair winds and following seas to ya, Shippers!