...on Micro-Penises and Macro-Egos

http://www.slate.com/id/2271897/ (10/21/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey, hidey and ho, Shippers! How the heck are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? All here in Smagland is going okay. I’ve taken the week off from work and have been traveling the southeast visiting family and friends. But, soon enough, I’ll be back Home and at work. Today, though, being Prudie Day (as it is), how could I be anywhere else but here? And fortunately so, because what a fine bunch of letters we have! So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’ve recently starting dating a wonderful man. He’s “smart, funny, cute, and kind.” But. You knew there’d be a “but”, huh? Well, in this case, it’s less about butt, and more about the other side. Or “less” about the other side. Prudie, he’s not well endowed. At all. Matter of fact, when we finally had sex, I found him to be so ill-endowed that I googled around a bit to see if I could diagnose his problem. Turns out that the Greeks must have invented the issue because I found that a Greek prefix, mikrós, along with the word penis, described his problem quite specifically. Prudie, he’s almost non-existent. And I consider a healthy sex life a must for a good relationship, and a healthy penis a must for a healthy sex life (and at 30, I’ve had several and I know from penises!). Plus, I like my sex to be of the penis-in-the-vagina variety. None of this oral- or toy-play for me, Prudie! No, thank you, Ma’am! Prudie, living “without an active sex life scares me”! So, what should I do? This man is great otherwise? Signed, Unfulfilled

Dear Lacking. What I think is most lacking in your relationship is not the size of your man’s penis, but rather the size of your imagination. Living “without an active sex life”?! What?! Have you never heard of any alternative to standard intercourse?! If this guy was an asshole? Sure, I’d suggest that you leave him. You know, because he was an asshole. If he beat you? I’d suggest you leave him then, too, you know, because physical abuse is bad, mmm-kay? But lack of penis size? While a problem for those, like yourself, who lack imagination and a sense of adventure or even the apparent ability to talk to your partner about the issue and explore alternatives, it’s not a problem for those who understand the fun that can be had in bed with a little motivation and ingenuity. And, just in case you were wondering, his lack of endowment may have had less to do with his shortcomings than it did with his nervousness or concern over how well he’d perform since you’re obviously way spun about your man’s third leg. Some men need a little confidence and comfort for things to realize their full potential. Who knows what’s going on with this guy, and I’m certainly not blaming you, but, it’s literally and figuratively such a small problem that you either need to try to get around it (which shouldn’t be difficult, as tiny as you say it is), or drop this guy now. Because it doesn’t sound like this problem is something you’re going to be able to get past. And neither of you deserve that.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I have an acquaintance whose four-year-old daughter recently completed cancer treatment. The acquaintance posted a request on FaceBook for friends to donate hair so that the daughter could have a custom wig made. I heard later, through a mutual friend, that the mother wanted me to donate my hair, specifically, to her daughter. Prudie, even though it makes me feel terrible, I don’t want to! I like my hair! It’s my favorite thing about me! And further, I’ve seen pictures of the daughter on FaceBook wearing a wig already. Couldn’t a cash donation be enough?! Signed, Sampson, not Delilah!

Dear Harriet, This request of your acquaintance is particularly troublesome. As an acquaintance, you owe nothing to this woman (or her daughter). And, as an acquaintance who’s been asked through the grapevine, second-hand, to donate her hair, you owe even less! Hell, even as a good friend or family member, you’d owe nothing other than what you, on your own, decided to give. So, I’m just triply perplexed as to what’s at issue here. My guess is that your mutual “friend” has way overstepped her bounds and that the acquaintance would be mortified if she learned of this request on her daughter’s behalf. I have a feeling that the acquaintance mentioned in passing how beautiful your hair is and your “friend” took it upon herself to get involved. If so, it’s a request easily solved by ignoring it completely and by mentally noting your friend’s tactics should they show up again in the future. If not, it sounds like your FaceBook group is pretty fucked up and you need to remove yourself from their presence wholesale. As is, there are so many things wrong with this story that I don’t know where to begin with advice, but, I will say that what’s most important is that you always give from the heart. If you want to donate to a cause, do so! But, never as some “surrogate” for the hair that you don’t want to donate (nor should you be pressured into donating) in the first place! Do it because you feel genuinely compelled. Being as you’ve never even met the little girl in question, and aren’t even certain of her health, it seems to me you should be outside consideration for any donation requests involving gifts directly from your person.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I likes me the drama! I mean, seriously, do I ever! But wait, okay, let me start at the beginning. My husband of one month (with whom I’m very, very happy, by the way) cheated on me over a year before we got engaged. We got over that little hiccup, obviously, and are sup-sup-super happy now! But, at a recent bachelorette party (celebrating a bride for whom I’m a bridesmaid), in walked “the other woman”! How could the bride, my friend, do this to me?! How could she invite this woman to celebrate with us on our special day?! I was, understandably distraught. I tried not to make a scene, but, having thought all along that the bride, my friend, hated this woman as much as I did, I can’t understand why she’d (the bride) invite her (the bitch) to our party and wedding. I seethed quietly in the corner, but, like a big girl, didn’t cause a scene (much). But now I don’t know what to do? Should I quit the wedding and my friend? I think I deserve to be able to, considering how much I’ve been put out. Signed, Always the Jilted, Never the Jiltee

Dear Drama Queen, how about if you’d have quietly taken the bride aside and just asked her what’s up? Further, and I know this may come as a total fucking surprise to you, the other woman may have had no idea about you and your, as-of-then, not-even fiancé. You’ve forgiven him completely, but the other woman is still a husband-stealing bitch? Okay, got it. Look, I’m know that I’m being extreme and mean here, but, damn! First off, this isn’t your wedding. Not sure if you recognized that, but, I thought it was worth a mention. You don’t get to make the guest list, nor are you required to be consulted during its making. You’re a guest, not the hostess. If this bride is a good friend of yours--good enough for you to be her bridesmaid--shouldn’t you feel close enough to her to be able to ask if she knew how you feel about the other woman? You know, like a person who wears big girl panties and doesn’t revel in drama? Further, if you are totally happy and secure in your marriage, give this whole thing a rest for the few hours it’ll take and just enjoy the wedding. If you can’t, though, by all means, tell the bride that you’re very, very sorry, that but you can’t make it. Try to do everything you can to mitigate the effect your leaving on such short notice will cause on the ceremony (my guess is that it won’t be a problem), and do so without issuing any dramatic monologues or ultimatums about “either it’s her or me, bitch!”, complete with head wagging and finger snapping. My guess is that it’ll be better for all involved.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’m well into my education toward becoming a lawyer. I have just over a year left, but, truth is, I hate it! I mean, the more I learn about law, the more I hate the whole thing! As a result, I’ve put very little effort into my studies. Further, I feel guilty because, not only have my parents sacrificed greatly for my education, my mom thinks that lawyering is my dream job and can’t seem to talk about anything other than how happy she is for me! My only escape nowadays is via books that have nothing to do with law, and through daydreaming. What should I do? Signed, So Not Into Litigation

Dear Are You Sure You’re Not Just Scared of Failing (or Already Failing). First off, you have to recognize that you’ve recently learned that you don’t like this profession after a long time of thinking that you would. I’m going to lay something amazing on you: you might find in a year that there are tons of things that you would like to do as a lawyer (or in a law-related field). You just haven’t been exposed to them yet. You’re so young right now and lacking in life experience that everything is black and white. You like it, you hate it. That is bad, this is good. As you become more and more seasoned, you’ll find that very little (if anything) in life is so dramatically defined (unless, of course, you become an ultra-conservative third party advocate, in which case, black and white and fear is par for the course...). Look, the nearly-complete degree is what’s important here, not nearly so much what type it is. So, complete your education, and, in the meantime, take advantage of the people in the world who can help you find a way to a job that will fulfill you (like your mom, your professors, the school’s counselors, lawyers, Prudie, etc.). You may be pleasantly surprised to find that your calling is actually in law, or a law-related field, but, too, you might find that it’s not. Either way, your law degree won’t hurt you a bit. How could it? Or, are you perhaps having a more difficult time than you’re letting on, and trying to find a way out before your poor performance is discovered and reported? Are you in danger of flunking out and so are now trying desperately to manufacture an alibi? Regardless of what’s at the core of your problem, my advice stands. Get some help from those around you. Tell them what’s on your mind. Ask them for help. Most actually want to help you! :-) Take that advice that seems worthwhile and discard the rest. If you do or don’t follow my instructions, you won’t be any worse off than you are right now, but, by doing it, you might actually get some good help and/or guidance. And in that case, it’ll have been well worth the effort.

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Well, Shippers, that about does it for me for this week. I’m going to go back to relaxing through the weekend. Then, it’s back to the happy grind on Monday. Happy Prudie Day to you all, and to all, a good night! Fair winds and following seas, Shippers!