From a Submariner's Perspective is a weekly column, written in response to the letters sent in to advice columnist "Prudie" at Slate.com. Each week, The Submariner responds to the letter writers in a way that Slate.com author, Emily Yoffe, probably can't (but perhaps would like to...). Each entry is headed with a link to the orginal questions and Yoffe's answers. Enjoy!

Also, if you have questions that you'd like answered by The Submariner, or anyone here at "The Fly", just write to me at smagboy1@gmail.com and I'll forward to the appropriate party/parties for an answer (or you can write to them directly via the e-mail addresses on their pages)! Once the answers are published, I'll drop you a note letting you know.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

...on More Assholes Than I Can Shake A Stick At!

= Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day?  This is an abbreviated, quick post, but, I just couldn't help commenting today.  I mean, holy smokes!  I hoe to be back in full force soon, but, until then, here's hoping this will be a nice appetizer.  Original letters are here: http://www.slate.com/id/2289917/  Enjoy!

LW#1: So, I know this may sound obvious, but, quit hanging around such assholes. It's not like they're everywhere. I know, I know, you say they are. Grow up. They're not. Most people are just like you, closer to the middle of the road, and think of the war as an unfortunate thing, but who absolutely don't blame our troops for anything (other than the occasional atrocity, for which those particular troops really should be blamed). Surrounding yourself with a higher class of person (e.g. above Cro-Magnon) is all you need do, and they are out there. You just need to find the courage to quit being a victim all your life.

LW#2: So, you squatting in the elevator doorway cleaning up your dog's poop didn't have anything at all to do with any of this? You're an asshole. An asshole for suggesting that this woman is at fault (it was an accident all around and you're at least equally to blame, if not more so, due to your failure to control your dog and his bowels), and an even bigger asshole for letting us know how much the dog you're about to buy will cost you when there are plenty of great dogs at the pound for virtually no money who'd love a good home (although, whoops, there you go--maybe that's why you're buying?).

LW#3: You're surrounded by assholes if they imply that you not going to the dinner is any indication about how you feel toward or sympathize with the widower, his family, or their late wife/mother. Further, what in the hell is wrong with simply saying to someone so rude if they are supposedly a friend, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but that is way out of the range of what I feel financially comfortable with contributing (this works for expensive birthday parties at seafood restaurants that you’re “invited” to and then expected to pay for, too)". If they're not your friends, but "friends" of the widow’s family, ignore their rude asshattery* just like you would a turd in an elevator--with disdain and fear that the owner might be looking toward you to fund their next status symbol.

LW#4: Derek is a cheater. And he's being an asshole to Cynthia. You can say something to Cynthia, as Prudie says, one time. That's it. And it can’t be personal and it better not denigrate Derek, because, when they get married, you’re then in a super bad spot. You can explain that you doubt he's being sincere in his explanation and that you don't believe it and that you fear that Cynthia is setting herself up for hurt, but, you’d better suggest you support her no matter what (if continued friendship is your aim). And then, as Prudie says, that's it. Anything more is meddling and at that point you have to decide if your friendship with Cynthia is more important than your judgment of her decisions. Oh, and, if you do decide to stay friends, you don't get to derisively bring up Derek at every chance and ask how he's "treating her". Not to say you would! Just sayin', ‘cause that’s an important point.

*all credit for the invention of this word and its use goes directly to MessyOne

6 comments:

  1. Hey the submarine has surfaced! Oh great Captain, what did you see in the depth of the oceans? And how does it feel to be back in the realm of assholiness?

    I forgot it was Thursday, haven't read the letters yet, but your responses say it all! Dog turd in the elevator? Sacrebleu! I sure hope for the neighbor's sake that the event didn't occur at the first floor of the Empire State Bld and they were stuck in the elevator to the very top!

    Oh yes, there are plenty of lovely doggies at the pound needing homes. We didn't get ours there though. We got our dog through magic. We had been going to the pound to seek a dog, but couldn't find one that liked us. So it was a dark and stormy day. I was at the computer and heard Rich at the backdoor saying "hey, hold it!" and lo and behold this soaking wet limping dog ran to me (seemed he knew exactly where he was going) and started frantically licking mmy hands before I knew what was happening. Of course, after we put up signs to find his owner, he became our dog, we took him to the vet and fixed his limp, and he is the sweetest mutt --a bit of a german sheppard plus who knows what else -- that ever lived on a couch! (he does have a bit of the coloring of a potato....)

    I tried to find Messy's word you're referring to but couldn't?

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  2. Look what the radiation pushed up to the surface... why hello capt Smagster!!

    LW#1- hey, look at me, I'm so righteous and THEY are not!

    LW#2 - reached some unbelievable depths of stupid and greedy

    LW#3 - tell your "friends" that bankrupting yourself wouldn't bring the common friend back or help her family in any way

    LW#4 - I disagree with the Capt on this one; tell her once, if she doesn't open her eyes drop her as a friend - no one needs to be surrounded by idiots, they drag one down

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  3. I've come up with something that might have helped the Prudecutor. In the spirit of Christianists becoming an accepted term, it might have been a bit more accurate for the Prudecutor to have referred to those she claims to have intended to deride as Blue-Statists rather than Blue-Staters.

    ReplyDelete
  4. asking for a "friend"April 13, 2011 at 10:01 AM

    yay the Return of the Smagster! :).

    ReplyDelete
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