http://www.slate.com/id/2254228/ (05/20/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There
Greetings Shippers! And ahoy to you all! How are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? It’s Anniversary Day here at the Lagoon, Shippers! Woo-hoo! Exactly one year ago this week, I started publishing this column (it was in The Fray at the time). And it’s been a great ride! I sincerely appreciate you all for reading each week, and for commenting (in the comment section, below). I think we’ve made a wonderful and fun community together and I sincerely appreciate and enjoy it. As promised, I have written a separate, anniversary-only column made up entirely of reader questions. It’s here: http://submarinersperspective.blogspot.com/2010/05/anniversary-edition-reader-mail.html. But that’s not the purpose of this post. This post is for today’s Prudie letters! And so, to that end, let’s get crackin’!
LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’m a wildly confused little girl who hasn’t yet figured out that I’m in charge of my own life and responsible for the lives of my children. But I’m trying to get there. Honest I am! Well, pretty much, anyway. See, my current husband, who I sort of like, I guess, maybe, isn’t my son’s biological father. My son’s bio father is a convicted sex offender, just getting out of jail. The bio father wants to see our son, but I’m a little nervous about that. Too, my husband wants to adopt our son, but I’m nervous about that, too, as our son may grow to resent me for “making that choice” for him, because, you know, adoption would somehow magically mean that the bio father is no longer in our son’s life. Can you help me figure out what to do, because, frankly, I just don’t know? Signed, Confused in Seattle
Dear Confused, you are a twit. First of all, your husband’s adoption of your son has nothing to do with the bio father seeing the boy. Those are two separate issues. If you don’t want the bio father to see the boy, you can obviously affect that (or attempt to affect it) without adoption, just as adoption won’t preclude bio dad from being allowed to see the boy if the courts allow for it. So that whole discussion is irrelevant. The part about allowing the bio dad to see the son is what’s at issue here and your mommy gene is broken if you can’t figure it out. Either the man is/might be a legitimate danger to your son (e.g. he was convicted of actual child molestation/rape), or, he’s not (which could be the case, regardless of his “sex offender” conviction, because plenty of convicted sex offenders on the registry are guilty of nothing more than being 19 and having sex with 17 year old, or downloading adult material that may or may not have included models below the age of 18--no, I’m not talking pre-pubescent child porn here, obviously. Yet they’re all bundled into the same category of “convicted sex offender”.). So, it’s simple. If this man is/might be a danger, you have to do fucking everything in your power to prevent the boy from seeing him. If he’s not a danger and you just don’t like him, well, sorry, Sister, you have to allow the courts decide the “how” and the “if”. How the fuck hard is that? It has nothing to do with your current husband, who, I know, is just oh-so-fucking-great. It has to do with your job as a mother and this man’s rights as a father. The sooner you recognize those facts, the better.
LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’ve been unemployed for the last two years. In that time, I’ve sent out several thousand résumés, attended several hundred interviews and even bought ad space on the city’s taxi cabs proclaiming my availability. Yet, no job offer. I’ve never been unemployed before and it’s starting to piss me off. Especially when people ask me why I’ve been unemployed for so long! A recruiter recently asked me that exact question and I know good-and-well that I didn’t answer very professionally. What should I do? Signed, Jobless in Seattle
Dear Jobless, So, um, why have you been unemployed these past two years? And before you get all huffity with me, just answer the fucking question! Because, fact is, I know for an absolute fact that you could have found a job, just not one that you wanted or one that would work for you. So, actually try to answer this: why have you been unemployed? Is it because you were looking for a job in your field? That’s a reasonable explanation (and a hell of a lot better than getting all twisted up). Is it that you were looking for a job in a certain pay range? That’s a reasonable explanation, as well. But, “I couldn’t find any jobs at all”? That’s bull shit. The Army is hiring. Right now. And they’re giving tons of waivers for age. Today. Right this minute even! Same with several fast food chains. Hell, my seventeen-year-old daughter has been working for the last nine months at a fast food restaurant and has made shift manager in that time. So, don’t act like you couldn’t get a fucking job. There are shitty jobs galore out there. Quit getting your back up and recognize that you’ve placed certain very reasonable limitations on the jobs you’re looking for, and report that fact to those who asked. There’s no shame in saying that the (insert your area of expertise here) industry has lost 20% of its jobs in the last two years and it’s been tough to even get someone to return a call. Listen, I’m sorry to be so tough on you, but you need it. I know the job market sucks right now, but your anger is misplaced, and it’s going to cost you. Figure out the honest answer to the question and use it!
LW#3: Dear Prudie, my sister-in-law is graduating from a very lah-dee-dah private K-12 school. It’s the same one that my husband and I attended, and the same one that our parents attended. We also have several family members on faculty there. My problem is that my mother-in-law is angry with the school because my sister-in-law is sharing salutatorian honors with another student. Plus, there are co-valedictorians. The MIL sees this as a slight to the SIL, believing that the co-valedictorian and co-salutatorian are unworthy of their respective honors. One for not taking advanced classes like SIL did, and the other for attending an out-of-school internship for a semester. The MIL is filing an official complaint with the school and my husband and I are mortified. We want to send our daughter to the school soon and are afraid our MIL’s rudeness might reflect badly on us and our daughter’s application. What should we do? Can we confront my MIL (my husband’s mom)? Signed, Worried in Seattle
Dear Worried, Oh my fucking god, you didn’t just write in with this fucking question, did you? Seriously? Listen up, and hear me good, you vacuous, entitled bitch. Break the cycle of lunacy! Get the fuck out! Take your husband and child and run far, far away! Get a job across the country (the Army is hiring, did I mention that?). Jesus Christ, you seriously just asked that question? Look, dipshit, you have no control over your MIL and her “official” complaints (what’s that, like, on paper with a watermark or something? Wax seal with family crest?). At all. Got that? If that school punished you for your MIL’s actions, is it really the type of fucked up, petty, entitled, talking-down-its-nose, uppity, backwards, fuctarded school you want for your precious little bundle of priceless princess joy? Seriously? If so, I fear for the future of the world. I really do (well, the future of your daughter’s world, anyway). I even puked in my mouth a little as I read your letter. Listen, I know that you won’t take my advice because, a) you don’t want to lose that inheritance, and, b) you’re too addicted to the status of that school to dare fucking rock the boat now, but I pray that your daughter will heed my advice. Maybe there’s some saving her.
LW#4: Dear Prudie, my boyfriend is going out of town for a conference. While there, he’s going to meet up with a female college buddy. He reports that she’ll sleep on a cot or the couch, but that due to her financial situation, there’s no way she can get her own room. He’s really looking forward to the visit, having not seen his old friend in years, but I won’t have it, Prudie! I’m not running a fucking charity up in here and there’s no way in hell that my man is going to be sleeping in the same room as that whore. What can I do? Signed, Not Yet Boyfriend-less in Seattle
Dear Boyfriend-less, you are a stupid idiot. Do you trust him? Yes? Then what’s the problem. No? Then break the fuck up with him already. It’s really that simple, you horrific bitch. Oh my god! Further, do you really want a boyfriend who’d let his friend sleep on a fucking couch while he was all in the comfy bed? Is chivalry that fucking dead? Just so you know, you’ve already lost your boyfriend. I’m only giving you this advice for next time in case you want to actually keep one instead of causing them to go running like you’ve already done here. Or, you can keep acting like a lunatic and maybe you’ll attract someone who’ll put up with that shit. That’ll be very fulfilling for you, I’m sure. Your choice, though.
Well, shippers, that’s about it! So, as we embark on this next year, I’d like to wish each of you fair winds and following seas. Please continue to call me out, keep me sharp and kick my ass when needed (right there in the comments section, below). And, don’t forget to check out the special Anniversary Actual Mail from Actual Readers Edition right here: http://submarinersperspective.blogspot.com/2010/05/anniversary-edition-reader-mail.html. Good cheer, all!