...on the Sproinging of Spring. And Some Snark, Too.

http://www.slate.com/id/2251570/ (04/22/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey Hidey Ho, Shippers! How in the hell are you on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I am feeling absolutely fantastic today! Could be the coffee. Maybe the fact that last night I submitted my final paper for this term? Who knows! But, regardless, I’m feeling positively zestful this morning! And, not even LW#1 is going to harsh my mellow. LW#4 might. We’ll see how I feel by the time I get down there (if #1 and #4 were swapped, I know I’d go off on #4 then!). Here’s hoping that you’re all having just as fine a Prudie Day as I’m having. And I hope, if that’s so, that it carries over into the weekend for you and then throughout the spring! Damn, I really do have a case of the sunshine-out-the-butt today, don’t I?! :-) So, that said, let’s move on to the letters before I shoot another ray or two of light out of my rear and betray my true nature...

LW#1: Dear Prudie,

I work at a radio company doing contest promotions. Our target audience is the college-age set. As you may have guessed, I, myself, just happen to be a recent college graduate who’s young, firm and super attractive! I often don’t get jokes, or understand how to use the Xerox machine, but, otherwise, I’m really doing well at my job, which mainly involves wearing short-shorts and jumping up and down a lot. Well, there’s a very nice, friendly, well-liked lady at work who co-helms our very popular morning show. She dresses, acts and even looks like she’s in her early to mid twenties, but, recently I found out that she’s actually in her late thirties! OMG, Prudie! I mean, how gauche! I know, right? What’s worse is that she does remote broadcasts in college bars and on college campuses, which, to me, is just plain creepy of her! I mean, pedo alert, you know? It also smacks a bit of desperation, don’t you think? Well, anyway, she’s got a birthday coming up and so I’ve told everyone who’ll listen what her true age is. I’ve also encouraged everyone to get her gag gifts. I’m getting her an inflatable walker! It’ll be great seeing everyone realize how old she is and get all freaked out and move away from her at the table! My question is, how long is long enough to wait until I can ask our boss for my co-worker’s job, since I’m so much more qualified being as I’m actually young, instead of just faking it? And, should I confront her with what I know and tell her that I’ve outed her to the whole station?

Thanks, Bouncing Boobies!

Dear Near-Future Unemployed Girl,

Yes, you should definitely confront your co-worker. Please do! And, for efficiency’s sake, you should have your boss in the room, too, so that you can immediately turn to him/her and ask for your co-worker’s job once you’ve outed her! Make absolutely certain to mention to your boss that you are actually young enough to be in the bars and on the college campuses whereas your shriveled up co-worker already has one foot in the nursing home.

Look, it’s clear that you lack any sort of industry knowledge or even basic people skills, so, I’ll give you a pass since you’re about to get a painful face full of real life anyway, but, just so you know, everyone else in the office already knows how old your co-worker is, you dork. And now, they also know what a little ass monkey you are, too (assuming you’ve managed to hide it up until now)! I would like to ask you a favor, if you don’t mind. Will you please, please, please film your discussion with your co-worker and boss? Please? You’re young and hip and should own and know how to use a flip cam, right? Please say you will?! And then send it in? Heh-heh.

LW#2: Dear Prudie,

About a year ago I was peripherally involved in a fatal accident. I was driving a truck, towing a horse trailer. Three other vehicles were behind me (a bus and two cars). A young college-aged girl was in the car in the rear and got impatient. She tried to pass all of us on a blind curve and ran head-on into oncoming traffic and was killed instantly. I stopped to try to help and one of the other people at the scene said to me, “That’s what happens when you drive too slow.” I’m devastated by this accident, Prudie. Even though it’s been over a year, I frequently pull over and sob uncontrollably. I know in my heart that the accident wasn’t my fault, but, I can’t help but feel like it was my fault. And I can’t get past it. I obsessively run over in my mind what I could have done differently. Only my husband and therapist know of my part in the accident. Can you help?

Signed, Living With Guilt

Dear Guiltless,

Everyone is going to tell you that this was not, in any way, shape, or form, your fault. And they’re correct. As a matter of fact, even if you’d been driving 15 miles per hour under the maximum speed limit, provided you weren’t actually traveling below the minimum speed limit, it’s still not in any way your fault. We’re all allowed to drive on the roads, damnit! We all pay for their installation and maintenance and we’re not responsible for the actions of others. I know that doesn’t help, though. I know that no matter how often you hear it, it won’t matter, but, I hope it at least empowers you enough to realize that you’re allowed and entitled to drive on the roads, same as anyone. And you weren’t the one driving like an idiot.

Now, as for your entirely incompetent therapist. Drop him/her. Today. If he/she hasn’t at the very least helped you realize that you had NO PART in this accident, he/she sucks major balls. And you need help he/she can’t provide. So, do yourself a favor and find someone who can help. This was not your fault. You were not at fault. You weren’t! Please get the help that you deserve because two deaths due to one act of stupidity would be even more tragic. And right now? That’s exactly what’s happened.

P.S. If you’d like to forward to me the address of the fucking asshole who made the “driving slow” comment to you, I’ll personally go put my foot up his/her ass. With pleasure.

LW#3: Dear Prudie,

Last weekend my boyfriend and I hosted several friends of his from out of town (some were less friends than acquaintances). I woke up in the middle of the night and found one of our guests with some girl, whom he didn’t even know prior to the party, having sex on our couch (can you believe that?!)! I put my hand on my hip and did that side-to-side head thing that I’ve perfected with years of practice and said, “Oh no you didn’t! Excuuuuuse Me?!” One of them, our guest, gave a half-assed apology the next day, but the female didn’t, and hasn’t. And she’s the younger sister of the brother of a friend’s ex-lover’s wife’s sister’s best friend, so, I know that our paths will cross again. So I’m thinking of posting all over everyone’s Facebook page about what a slut she is. What else should I do to make it clear that being a guest at my house isn't for having any fun that I’m not involved in?

Signed, Ass So Tight I Could Turn Coal Into Diamonds Up In There

Dear Tight Ass,

You know what? I don’t see the problem here. I mean, you invited this guy that you only peripherally knew to your home, you asked him to stay the night, and then got surprised when he did something you didn’t approve of? You don’t even fucking know the guy! And, so, by default, he doesn’t know you or your rules. And where's your boyfriend in all of this?  Shouldn't this be his responsibility since it's his friend?  Maybe you should be more choosy about who you invite to your house, and, since you weren’t more choosy this time, maybe you should be a grown up and accept the blame for what you perceive as a slight to you (which, still, unless they made a mess that they didn’t clean up, I don’t know what the problem is? Jealous/judgmental much?!  Think your boyfriend knew about the wild shaggings going on?  I bet he did.  And that he approved!). If you post anything on Facebook, it should be something on your own page about how you need to attend classes on not being a first class, A-1, stick-up-your-ass, bitch! But that’s just how I am. Hell, I’m actually happy when friends hook up. And even happier if I accidentally get an eyeful of naked yumminess! But I’m like a big ol’ puppy that way, I guess. And I clearly act too young for my age, too, so, take my advice for what it’s worth. Apparently acting too young is gauche.

LW#4: Dear Prudie,

I’m a selfish, entitled, condescending, elitist, selfish (did I already say that?) bitch who is only interested in my husband for what he can do for me. I’m not only uninterested in my husband’s hobbies, I go out of my way to let him know that I am disinterested. Am I under any obligation to occasionally pretend that I care if he lives or dies, you know, in the interest of marriage?

Signed, Why Won’t He Leave Me the Fuck Alone?

Dear Alone Fucker,

No, you’re under no obligation. As a matter of fact, just like with LW#1, I suggest that you continue on your current path. Like her, the results you’ll reap will be exactly what you deserve. While I am in no way suggesting that you are required to be interested in all of your husband’s hobbies, and, too, while I am in no way suggesting that you don’t deserve some alone time now and again (I think we can all benefit from it, actually, from time to time), I am suggesting that you simply be honest with your husband if you don’t feel like discussing something with him because, you know, you’re reading, or taking a relaxing bath, or watching TV. But, if it’s just because you don’t give a shit? Then, yeah, keep it up. I promise you that you won’t have to continue to feign interest for too much longer. You can trust me on that one.

****
Well shippers, that’s about it. I have to apologize for being in such a fine, fine mood today when I could have easily opened up a ten-swear-word minimum on these letters (especially #1). I mean, there was a time that I could have scorched the pages in response to that one! But, how can I when it’s such a beautiful day outside? Signs of spring and summer are everywhere! Take a look across your lagoon, Shippers? See that beauty? That gorgeousness? That warmth? Ah life! ‘Til next week, shippers, fair winds, following seas and fried-cheese-on-a-stick to you all.