Hey-hey, Shippers! How in the hell are you on this fine, fine Prudie Day? Holy smokes, what a wonderful day it is, full of new promise and potential pranks! How could that be wrong?! Well, depends on the pranks, I guess, but, here’s hoping that you interact with mostly-sensible people who won’t risk your health or sanity for the delivery of a good April Fool’s joke. Sadly, some people do risk just those things. YouTube stakes its existence on that fact. And, when it's not use getting beaned in the head, well, admit it, it's sorta funny to watch, isn't it? But, you’ll get none of that here! Here, we’re gonna bring a full helping of snark (for the most part), just like always. So, with that in mind, let’s get crackin'!
LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’m 20 years old, about to graduate college, and my cooter box is just too small! Well, okay, maybe that’s not it, but, I don’t know what else to say? I’ve tried hooking up with a couple of guys over the last few years (since hooking up is how we in-the-know young adults today get into really good relationships!), but, each time, I’ve been unable to bear the pain of intercourse, and my partner has been unable to finish. I’ve been to different OB/GYNs and have received various, sort of non-committal answers about how best to proceed. I’ve heard that surgery might help, but, my mom’s way against that route. What should I do? Holy shit! Slow down there, Tiny Cooter Box Girl! Just put on the brakes for a second here. Surgery?! Really?! Look, I’m going to make some leaps of logic here that you can’t yet make because you’re too young and inexperienced, and that your mom can’t make because the thought of you having sex freaks her right the hell out (here's betting she doesn't like to think about herself having sex, but, that's for another letter...). First, you’re extremely driven (graduating at 20) and you think of things way too analytically for your own good. You’ve gotten it into your head that sex and a relationship is part of some “Adult Check List” and that you just need to check your box (no pun intended) to move on to the “Next Big Thing”. The problem is that you’re young, clearly not comfortable with your body, and coming at this completely backwards. First off, do you masturbate? Have you ever used a dildo inside your vagina? Or even your fingers? If so, does that hurt? I have a feeling not, else your OB/GYNs would have been a lot more committal about things. I have a feeling that you’re actually way uncomfortable with your body and that you have this grand, shitty romance book-taught notion that you’re supposed to lie back and if you could only find the right guy, some sort of magic will just...happen. Let me tell you something: it won’t. Sorry. At least not until you get comfortable with your own body. Try masturbating. Use a mirror to have a look at your vagina (no, not while masturbating--necessarily anyway--I just mean to get comfortable with it. It's okay, it not gross!). Embrace the idea that you have one, that it’s normal to have one, and that masturbation and sex are okay and normal. Once you get there, and by there, I mean exactly what you think I mean, but I also mean just a general level of comfort, I’m guessing you won’t have this problem anymore. Provided you go slow and keep things on your terms, that is. The trick isn’t the right guy, Chicky Doodle, the trick is the right you. If, after that, you’re still not able to have comfortable sex, then, by all means explore alternative solutions. But I’m guessing you won’t have to. Good luck.
LW#2: Dear Prudie, my dad had a stroke four years ago and it left him unable to move anything but his head. He can’t speak much, but doesn’t complain. He’s chronically tired, can’t watch more than a few minutes of TV before nodding off, but, my mom insists that I interact with him when I visit their house. Prudie, I used to be close with my dad, but, I’m afraid that everything I say now is wrong. I can’t ask him how he is, since he’s obviously doing pretty shitty! If I talk about some activity that I’m doing that involves the movement of my feet or arms, or motation of any sort, I fear he’ll be upset and go into a deep depression, but, even if he did, how could I tell?! I can’t possibly watch sports with him because sports just bore the hell out of me and make my head hurt (like math!), and, though I love him, and feel his pain, that’s a road too far. Plus, he’d know that I was faking because I hate sports! So, I’m at an impasse, Prudie. What can I do to let my father know that I want him to be like he used to be so that I don’t have to be uncomfortable anymore? Okay, I gave you a little bit of shit in the summarization of your letter. And you deserved it. I hope you saw some stuff in what I wrote to be aware of from now on? But, I’ll leave the shittyness there and move forward more compassionately. What you need to do is talk to your dad. I know, seems obvious, huh? But, instead of worrying about what to talk about, ask him! Say, “Dad, I’m really sorry that I’ve been so distant, but, I’m afraid that everything I say is going to hurt your feelings! Which means that I never know what to say. Then I feel guilty for not saying anything! I’m afraid that if I try to watch sports with you, you’ll think that I’m faking it. I’m just afraid, Daddy, and I hate this for you and it pisses me off, and I’m fucking angry at the world about it for you! Why in the fuck did this have to happen? You're supposed to be stronger than this! Please, can we talk about what I can say, what I can do for you, what I can bring to you, how I can interact with you now? I want to be here for you, I love you more than you’ll ever know, and it’s causing me so much conflict because I want to be here, I want to talk with you, but I’m afraid of every word and every action, afraid it’ll all be wrong. Please tell me what I can do for you.” Trust me on this. It’ll do you both a world of good.
LW#3: Dear Prudie, I’m a college student, studying Theater, and, for what it’s worth, I’m a guy. So, as you may have divined from all of that information, I’m gay. I know, I know, not that there’s anything wrong that! Ha-ha, very funny. Sigh. Anyway, Prudie, my problem is a combination of, a) my attraction for a classmate, and, b) well, my body. See, I’m kinda chunky and I don’t really fit in with the hard-bodied, gay scene here at school. And there’s this absolutely Perfect Ten guy in my class! He’s so hot, and funny and buff and intelligent and hot--did I mention that he’s hot?--and quite the actor, too! I’d like to ask him out, Prudie, but, I’m worried that since I’m all frumpy and he’s all Mr. Freakin’ Spectacular, that he’ll turn me down and that that would then ruin our friendship. I don’t know what to do. Can you help? Well, first off, there’s nothing wrong with Prudie’s advice to just ask him if he wants to have some coffee sometime? So, I’m not going to be much help there. If he’s even halfway worth your time, even if he’s not attracted to you, he won’t take that request as a reason to dump all over you. And it shouldn’t affect your friendship, either. Look, I’m sure he knows that you’re interested. It’s sort of difficult to hide that sort of thing. And he’s still spending time with you, so, why not ask him? Also, though, I’d like to point out to you that you’re missing a whole slew of potential boyfriends/dates right off the bat by limiting yourself to just that scene. Unlike Prudie, I’m in no way suggesting that you put out ads for “heavy gay guys who are, like, all heavy and stuff.” What’s up with that?! Look, it takes all kinds in this world, and different people like different things. Some people are very aesthetically-driven. There’s no doubt. But not all are. I know that, perhaps coming from a small town, it’s great to have a group of people out and open and unafraid. I imagine that’s quite empowering, actually. And that’s great! But, I think that you’ll find that those men are not the majority of eligible guys there, and that there are a lot more guys out there that aren’t as buff--or at least not all about flaunting it--who'd love to meet someone for more than their ability to take off their shirt in public. It’s just that the rest of the guys are going to be a little harder to find right away, specifically because they aren’t as into all of that. But, you will find them. Just keep your eyes open, be willing to recognize that people are as different one from the other as snowflakes, and that no two are exactly alike. So, give yourself a chance with whoever you like. A chance doesn’t mean offering your entire neck out to get stepped on, though! Just stick a toe in the water, you know? Hang in there, have patience, and enjoy this time of life! The fun is just beginning!
LW#4: Prudie, I’m active duty military and my wife and I are friends with another military couple. The wife of that couple, we’ll call her “Felonious”, recently got a new job at a store where, she claims, the employees are robbing the store blind. She seemed concerned about this fact, but, later, my wife and I found several on-line ads of hers, privately selling new merchandise from the store?! I’m concerned and don’t know what to do? I mean, it could be something honest, but it sure doesn’t seem like it. Should I talk with the husband, you know, mano a mano? I don’t want to risk the friendship, but, heck, he needs to know. And what if does know?! You’ve got yourself a real live conundrum there, don’t you, Shipper? But, fortunately, I have an answer for you that will work wonders, and no one will even have to know that it’s you who had the concerns! As you’re in the military, you know that you’re potentially culpable for all sorts of things that civilians are not. For example, the fact that you can be busted and busted hard for even maybe knowing that Felonious’ husband was up to no good (if it turns out he was in on this grand re-sale scheme). So, go to your unit’s senior enlisted desk jockey sergeant or CPO and lay out a hypothetical (or, go to the command chaplain or division officer or company commander if you can’t trust your chief). And this is triply so if Felonious’ husband is in your unit! I mean, holy shit, go yesterday if that's the case! Tell your chief that you think something might be up with someone that you know, and lay it all out as you have in your letter. Say that you don’t want your name involved, but, being as you’re good friends, you want to help the couple before real trouble starts (and, truth is, you’ve got to protect yourself, too). This way, you will have talked to your chain of command so you’ll have cover if/when the shit balls start to fly, and, too, your chief will get your friends the help they need, if they need it. Hang in there.
****
Well, Shippers, that about does it, eh? Work and school have been crazy-busy, so, I apologize if this isn’t up to the normal level of snarkiness. I invite you to bring it full force, though, in the comment section (below). Have a wonderful week, Shippers! And may you have fair winds and following seas, all week long, or at least until we next meet. Good cheer!
Ah....Smagster, I was looking forward to your response to LW4 and you didn't disappoint! I knew that Prudie was missing out on the entire layer of the LW being an enlisted man, which does change the ballgame, pretty much entirely. I just wasn't certain EXACTLY how it changed things, so was looking forward to your words of wisdom!
ReplyDeleteWell done, as usual! I hope you have a great weekend, and an excellent week
Hey Libby. The difference is truly amazing. But, in the military, there are also all sorts of resources and support systems to help out, too, so, hopefully our LW will avail himself of them. Yepper, the double jeopardy that you are opened to while in the service is quite the thing. I'm not complaining, not by any means, just pointing out that it's important to understand!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the warm wishes! I wish the same for you, as well. :-)
Don't berate yourself for less snark, Smag! Your from-the-gut responses are why I read!
ReplyDeleteThank you also for nearly ALWAYS posting your response on Prudie Day -- so FRESH!!
You really ought to replace DP, SB1. I may lose sleep over the way she treated LW3 as if he were a Ten-Chaser (ugh - I *so* hate thinking of people in such a way that I am at a complete loss for the terminology), telling him to play in his proper sandbox instead, when he hasn't done any chasing yet, and when there isn't really any evidence that he's only attracted to The Standard, only that he doesn't think he measures up. He needs either to find someone with whom the Hierarchy works in his favour or someone who sees the Hierarchy as mostly shallow beyond a standard of presentable. There is no guarantee that he'll find that simply by looking among other overlarge individuals.
ReplyDeleteYou might very well think that this is an area where I might be in possession of less than my full share of objectivity, but I couldn't possibly comment.
Oh Smaggie, what perfect advice this week! I wish the advice seekers would read it --perhaps they will?
ReplyDeleteOoops, it's April 2 already. No pranks yesterday. For years my kids used to change the sugar in the sugar bowl to salt, and for years I would forget about it and grope my way to the coffee pot and that first cup of caffeine and then spit it out and remember "oh shit it's April fools day" and then yell at the kids while they were laughing their little heads off!
Now I would be immune 'cause I no longer put sugar in my coffee and drink decaf but I plan on telling my granddaughter about this --ah sweet revenge!
Now my week is complete. I swear, Smagalicous, the only reason I keep reading Prudie is because of you!
ReplyDeleteHey skoorbza! Thank you. :-) I'm glad that you enjoy the from-the-gut stuff! Back in the old days, on The Fray, I had a goal of posting before 9:00 a.m. EST. But, alas, with the "The Fly" I can't do that because it's blocked from work. :-( Oh well. I supposed I ought to be working during that time anyway, eh? :-)
ReplyDelete****
hrumpole, thank you for the kind words! I thought Prudie was going to get it right with LW#3. For about ten second. Then I realized that she was heading down a nasty path. :-( Oh well. Here's hoping that with experience and time, our young LW will grow to be comfortable in his own skin. Good cheer! :-)
Aloha, Kati! I love that your kids played that prank on you year after year! And that you're going to return the favor! HA! :-) I was usually the victim of said pranks. My attempts at perpetuating them usually ended in dismal failure. Oh well. Some of us got it, and some of us ain't, as the old saying goes. :-) The important thing is to keep a good sense of humor, eh?
ReplyDeleteGood cheer and happy weekend! :-)
Greetings, MommyLady, and a thank you! Wow, I'm completely flattered--to the point that I'm speechless, well, you know, other than to be able to say thank you! :-) Much good cheer to you!!!
ReplyDeleteYes, Pru's answer to the theater major was quite awful. Replace "fat" with "redheaded", or anything else.
ReplyDeleteLW: "I'm red-headed, but not attracted to redheads. Three's a really hot brunette, but I think he won't want me because I'm redheaded."
DP: "You have red hair? Quit looking at normal people with blonde, black, brown, gray or no hair, and stick with red heads only, you cretin!"
At least she didn't tell him to learn to be attracted to women!
Hi Smag,
ReplyDeleteI love your responses this week. Let's face it, there was not a whole lot of room for snark this time, but you gave some great advice. I love how explicit you got with LW1! I don't think Prudie would ever have been able to pull that off, even if the Slate people would have let her (I wonder if they would?).
I also thought your answer to LW4 was very informative. Wow. Military life is HARD.
As for LW3, well, I have to swim against the majority just a bit here.
I have just known more than a few people who wanted very attractive people, and were quite picky, when ACTUALLY, they were not hugely attractive themselves. It seems like this is more often true of men, but maybe I am wrong about that.
I think it is not a really smart move to set your sights on someone loads more attractive than you are, especially when you are just starting out with the dating thing. You are setting yourself up for failure. At least I think you are.
Yes, you are right, he can go ahead and suggest coffee or something. But he seems to be focusing on a group of complete hotties who like to hang together and thinking that this represents the gay community at his college. Sorry, but in my opinion/experience, hotties of any sexual orientation who hang in groups tend to be looking for other hotties. I think Emily was just pointing out that there are probably lots of gay guys around who are not a part of the super attractive, notice me crowd.
Hey Smag, how goes?
ReplyDeleteI wonder if LW 1 has a condition called vaginismus? It is when the muscles in the vagina contract painfully and tightening the opening which prevents from any insertion. It's incredibly embarrassing, and brings tension into the relationship. A number of things could cause this -- fear, childhood trauma, childbirth, and etc.
The treatment for this? Lots of therapy, of course. And there's also different sized dildos to help become accustomed to penile insertion through sex therapy.
Greetings CoolOne! I agree with you on LW#3. Interestingly, I agree with Bella a bit, too, but I'll get to that in a minute. :-) I love your red-headed comparison and, too, your appreciation that Prudie didn't tell our young LW to attempt to become interested in girls, you know, like nature intended. The funny thing is, I don't think either of us would have been too terribly surprised if she had!
ReplyDeleteGood cheer to you! :-)
Greetings Bella, and Ahoy!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you (halfway-ish) regarding your thoughts on LW#3. :-) If all a person is doing is looking for the finest, most aesthetically-attractive person he/she can find, with no regard to much else, then, yes, they would do well to at least understand where they fit in The Great Babe Food Chain, and that they may be setting themselves up for some hurt in straying outsize their own zone. Then again, if they can steel themselves against the inevitable, they may just get lucky one out of twenty times and land that Perfect 10.
However, in my humble opinion, if that's all a person is looking for, they're not worth much of our time in offering advice anyway. However, if a person is looking for a real relationship, aesthetics, past initial attraction, become "almost" secondary, though. Truly! I mean, you've observed, I'm sure, how some people in your life have become significantly more attractive in time as you've gotten to know them (I don't mean actually, I mean your perception of their physical selves), and, conversely, how some others, perhaps initially very physically attractive, have become considerably less so as you learn of their true assholic nature? ;-)
It would be wonderful, of course, to meet the Perfect 10 in both categories, but, my point isn't *that* so much as to point out that the things that attract us to people, after perhaps an initial look or glance or aesthetic draw, are much more about personality, sense of humor, smile, wit, their way with other people, etc. And those things can't usually be categorized by looks.
You're 100% correct to point out that a group of preening peacocks are probably more interested in their outward appearance, and how they appear to others, than what an emotional relationship might offer, and, too, you may be right that our young LW should avoid these men like the plague. I agree. However, to me, that shouldn't preclude his pursuit of the wickedly handsome, but shy guy in the corner apartment, you know? Preening guys? Probably no good. Good looking guys in general, though? No correlation, in my book.
So, to me, it's more about learning the attitudes of the men he's after than it is about finding where he fits in the aesthetic scale of lip smackin' goodness. ;-) But that's just me. Personally, I find every single one of the commenters to this column to be incredibly attractive, wonderfully talented people! And I've only actually seen photos of one, and, of course, she was just as I had pictured her! ;-) So, see how that works? The mind is an amazing things, ain't it?
Much good cheer to you, Bella! And happy weekend! :-)
Nachtmusik!! Greetings and salutations! How are you? How have you been?!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I've received other letters in e-mail about vaginismus and how that might be the situation. And, having never heard of it before, it certainly sounds like a possibility. I mean, all of the symptoms seem to be there, yes? And, interestingly, even without naming it, or even having ever heard of it, I think that's what I was describing. I'm not bragging or anything! Honest! I just mean that, based the LW's description, it certainly sounds like she's clenching up out of some conscious (or not) fear or discomfort. That's certainly why I suggested masturbation and gaining a comfort and more intimate understanding of herself.
Now, I will admit that I jumped to dildos too quickly and I've been duly chastised for it. But, in my defense, I didn't mean, "Hey, go buy a Magnum XXL and go crazy!" :-) Being a guy, and thinking this is was a sexual issue, my non-vagina-having brain went immediately to dildos, but, what I *should* have asked was if tampon insertion hurts (or, like I said, does using a finger hurt). Because, my point was that those things likely *don't* hurt precisely because she's not thinking of "The Sexual Act" with those things. I was hoping to demonstrate to her that sex with another person is clearly a big issue for her and that she was likely subconsciously making into something crippling and that, through learning to be comfortable with herself, she might find more comfort with another person. Here's hoping, yes? :-)
I love how the treatment for this might involve lots of masturbation, though! :-) Could be worse, right? ;-)
Good cheer, Nachtmusik! :-)
I think the most telling part of LW1 is "I admit that I'm uncomfortable with my vagina."
ReplyDeleteI think that we can all agree that's not the best place to start from if you're looking for a hook-up starting relationship. If you're uncomfortable with it, I think the advice was (mostly) right on, and just starting with one of the ultra-small slimline dildos (made for that purpose and much easier to keep clean and sanitary for that purpose) can help her become MORE comfortable with it, assuming it's not an overly strong hymen issue, or a similarly physical (without psychological component) cause.
herd"t"hinner spews thusly:
ReplyDeleteFirst, Smagma, sorry that I'm late. Second, if I happen to miss this or next week's DP reimaginings, my explanation is that I'm gearin' up for a move... back to California, the Land of my People, in mid-April. I can finally post about this online and such because I've given notice at work. Had to keep things on the q.t. before then, y'understand. But enough about me!
LW1- yeah, some kind of vagicalifragilisticexpialadocious syndrome, like folks say. I'm going to cut her even more slack. I think the "not comfortable with my vagina" part is *because* it's... well, not comfortable! It could even be ever-so-slightly sore, all the time, but not mentioned in the letter. That kind of thing leaves an impact, y'know? Uh... no double entendres intended. Anyway, I'm speaking a little from experience, without going into details. Me and my chick-hole, we're not the best of friends, either.
LW2 - God forgive me, I see myself in LW2, so I'll be brief. I don't mean a close loved one has suffered a stroke, but I imagine, no matter how much it pains me to admit, I could feel/behave the same way.
But-- if I ever found myself in that situation, I would dig up Smaggy's advice and follow it!!! Or else place myself at his mercy!!!
LW3 - Years ago, part of a standup comic's routine was about how ripped that so many gay men are. He was gobsmacked by all the gay men at his gym packing major 6-packs, pecs, abs, biceps, triceps, quads, squads, greebs and schnozzberries. He swore that some had 8-packs. Anyway, he proposed that it become a compliment to call a man "gay" if he were especially well-defined. "Damn, look at your abs and pecs! You're not just in-shape, you're like... GAY in-shape!"
Anyway, if you watch "Modern Family," you may have noticed that the gay couple in the show (Mitchell and Cameron) differ physically, but you know that they can't live without each other. Their personalities are far too complimentary. And Cameron - the, ahem, heavier one - rocks.
LW4 - huh. No fucking around in the military! A *good* thing, sez I. Well, no fucking around except for the actual fucking around, you know, for making new potential recruits and all that.
Sorry, can't add anything more to that.
Masturbation is always a good thing, eh?
ReplyDeleteGreetings Libby! I agree on all points. :-) I'm not sure that I understand this statement, "...much easier to keep clean and sanitary for that purpose..." and I'm not sure I want to! ;-) But, none-the-less, I think that you're spot on!
ReplyDeleteherd'T'hinner! Greetings! And congratulations on your pending move back the homeland! :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about you and chick-hole, and, if you've got some vagicalifragilisticexpialadocious syndrome, I'm really sorry. :-( At least your sense of humor is totally in tact and made me laugh fully out loud. :-)
As for LW#2, please don't get the impression that I magically had to come to that advice. I earned it the hard way, so, if you do find yourself there, dust it off. It may save you months or years of frustration.
For me, I'm in no way "gay" in shape. God, I wish that I was! But I don't have that kind of commitment to the cause. Plus, there's so much good food out there! Did you know that you can actually FRY cheese?! ;-)
Good cheer, to you 'T' and good travels. May the wind be at your back and your sailing smooth. We'll catch you on the other side! :-)
Greetings again, Nachtmusik! Well, I certainly won't say that masturbation is a *bad* thing, that's for sure. And, it *can* even be a good thing! Although, certainly it's not the only good thing. If I say much more than that, though, I'm going to be told to go get a room, though, so, let's just stop right there before I get myself in trouble! ;-)
ReplyDeleteMmmm...Fried cheese.
ReplyDeleteMidnight snack callin my name! =-D
FRIED CHEESE!
ReplyDeletesmagboy, really urgent question on LW3, do U think fat gay guys titty-fuck? :).
ReplyDeleteLibby and Bella! Yes! I know! I hear that there are even restaurants, like in malls and stuff, that sell it on a stick! I kid you not! Like, as in, fried cheddar on a freakin' stick! In a way, I think that might be like Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster or something, but, I've heard it several times, so, who knows?
ReplyDeleteWhat isn't a myth, though? This (!!!!): http://www.kfc.com/doubledown/
Add some mayonnaise and extra bacon to that thing and I'll have arrived. Serious wondrousness right there! :-)
Greetings "Asking for a 'friend'"! And ahoy to you!
ReplyDeleteOkay, listen, if you've been reading me for any length of time, you know that I can't just answer that with a simple yes or no. You'll have to be subjected to my warped logic before I deliver my answer. So, I apologize right up front for that, but, here goes... Titty-fucking is a young person thing to do. No, I don't mean that older people *can't* do it, I just mean that, in my experience, they generally *don't* do it. See, when younger, guys have so much, um, energy, that they haven't figured out that there's much more in the room other than a vagina or an anus. Sure, they know there's a woman or man attached, but, that's really a pretty minor detail. So, in the case of hetero/vaginal intercourse, if it's that time of the month, for example, a guy will find anything, it doesn't matter what, so long as it's warm and is accompanied with moaning, to stick himself into. If an anus isn't an option, titties might work. Hot damn, the invention of titty fucking!
With me so far? Thing is, titty fucking is just not something that I imagine is all that spectacular for a woman. Do you know what I mean? I just can't imagine her thinking all day long, you know, getting squishy in her office chair, "Boy, I can't wait to get home and have my boyfriend straddle my chest and shove his dick between my titties, giving me chest burn as he ruts around in there, and then squirt on my face and in my hair! That's so dreamy!" I mean, maybe sometime for the novelty, sure, but, I just don't reckon it's all that great for for a woman.
Still with me? Good, because I'm fixin' to get ready to make my point. So, as a male person gets older, he realizes (or should) that there's actually a person attached to that vagina, or anus or set of titties, and he begins to be interested (or should be) in that other person's feelings/wants/desires as well. Maybe they'd prefer I go down on them? Maybe they'd prefer I not rub my ass on their chest and squirt up their nose? That's age and wisdom and empathy talking, mostly, but also perhaps a lowered level of testosterone, too? One can hope.
So, anyway, all of that is to say that it's not something I reckon happens regularly to *anyone* over the age of, say, 25 (unless they work in the porn industry, or, unless they have really sensitive tits, and thus, actually enjoy it--which is fine if that's the case!).
Well, a) guys don't have super-sensitive tits. Nipples? Maybe. Titties? No. Further, how many gay guys, young or not, but especially young gay guys, do you know who are fat enough to have fuckable titties? I mean, LW#3 says he's heavy. Okay, I can buy that. I'm sure next to Buffy McSixPack he feels super heavy! But so heavy that his titties are fuckable in any sort of desirable way? I doubt it. That kind of man boobage takes years of dedication and beer drinking to develop.
So, to answer your question, having had no experience whatsoever with this topic in my own life, I will guess and say, "No, I don't think that fat gay guys titty fuck." How's that? ;-)
Smag-icalifragilisticexpialadocious, I believe that every kind of food that there is, or perhaps ever has been, has been fried. Even ice cream.
ReplyDeleteICE CREAM! And no, that doesn't mean that I'm screaming for it. It's an expression of dismay. I'm not much of a fan of fried food. But I am a big fan of carbs and sweets, so that more than makes up for it. A lot... more.
((cough))
In fact, I'm still mad at my health-obsessed chiropractors, who won't just shut up and crack spines, but have to invade every aspect of our lives. No, I do NOT see "diabetes, heart disease, cancer and Alzheimer's" when I look at a slice of chocolate cake, Spiny Boy!
(I don't care if they're right)
Besides, where I work, cake on the last day is required for people who leave willingly. And I'm not one to burn bridges on my way out.
PS- I don't have vagicalifragilisticexpialadocious, too, but my anatomy is kind of a clusterfuck. That's right, I had to work in my favorite swear word this time!
PPS - I'd never heard of titty-fucking till that question. Sounds like really uncomfortable positioning to me. But I have no imagination in that area, so don't listen to me.
Herdthinner, Gotta tell you, fried ice cream is pretty amazing! (If you haven't tried it.) that is, the Mexican restaurant style stuff is. With the cinnamon goodness surrounding the ice cream. YUM!
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, Mon Capitan, I am in awe, both of the food goodness on it's way to a KFC near me, and of your analysis of that question. Well done!
Oh, and I've seen fried cheddar on a stick. I resisted the temptation at the time to buy it, though. I got a corndog instead. Now Disneyland has ruined me for all corndogs not of their making, so if I'm back at that mall (not likely, I am not a shopper) I may end up buying one....
ReplyDeleteOh, T, we "all" scream for ice cream! :-P And cake on the last day, too!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you don't have vagicalifragilisticexpialadocious. Would you like for me to be like Prudie and suggest that if you just found "the right man", that all of your chick-hole problems would be solved? Nah, I couldn't do it anyway. But my newest favorite phrase may just be chick-hole. I hope you won't mind if I use it sometime?
As for titty-fucking, like all things uncomfortable for women, I'm sure it's a male invention. You haven't missed out on much, IMHO. :-)
Oh Libby, I'm in awe of the pending Double-down, too! :-)
ReplyDeleteAs for the corn dogs, I've never had a Magic Kingdom dog. I'd be too worried that it had something to do with Pluto!
If you ever do buy some fried cheddar, please do report! I hear that it's fantabulous! ;-)
Well, it was only available in California Adventure, so not near to Pluto at all...and my goodness sooo yummy. I will report, for sure. =-)
ReplyDeleteThank U SmagBoy1, I'm forever edified! :).
ReplyDeleteherd"t"hinner disgorges thusly:
ReplyDeleteI learned today that I will get... cookies, on my last day. So my boss making a show of asking me what kind of cake I want was just that! A show!
I want to know who blew the cake budget at my company! Who was the straw that broke the back? WHO?!?
Speaking of finding "the right man," I am not exaggerating when a doctor told me, many years ago, after my first surgery, that it was a shame I didn't have a boyfriend to "help me heal." He said that more than once, too. No, he was not secretly coming on to me.
Also, the surgery ended up being useless when my body healed TOO well. Pretty much sealed it up.
On to heartier things!
I would not have thought "CORNDOGS!" first thing, if somebody mentioned CA Adventure to me. The things I learn, even about my home state!
But since these SB1 discussions inevitably end up being about food, here goes my contribution: the thing I miss most since becoming an herbivore is Fried Chicken. There: that's the Fried thing that I love. Not cheese or ice cream or twinkies or even spring rolls, but chicken that's been rolled in breading, then fried. That was the one meat item that held me back the longest.
To tie this back to Disneyland, the fried chicken I miss *most* is the fried chicken meal at the "New Orleans" restaurant between the Haunted Mansion and POTC. I kee telling myself that I'll break my herbivore ways just annually, you know, for a "treat," which is how often I'd been visiting the park, and then, right up to the moment before ordering, I...!! couldn't do it. ((sigh))
You can say it - I chickened out! Or guilted out, really. I'd decided that it's a bad thing to eat, and had to stick to that. By the way, as always, I speak ONLY FOR MYSELF. This is not in any way a diatribe about carnivores. Like I said, I crave the stuff big time, all the time! I envy those herbivores who truly dislike meat. They're not tempted to eat the highly-processed, overly salted, meat substitutes like I am, that are probably in their own way just as unhealthy.
But then, maybe my love of the (fried) bird keeps me from getting all pompous and lecture-y and shit like that. I hate those types as much as anyone.
Now that we all understand the complexities of titty-fucking, can somebody tell me what "ass to mouth" means? My guess is it came entirely from Kevin Smith's mind (for "Clerks 2," specifically), but I could be wrong. I'm not exaggerating; his characters debated the etiquette of that "act" for at least five minutes in the movie, while I sat there thinking, ".... the FUCK??"
...Or do I not wanna know?
Libby! I'm glad to hear that Mickey's li'l buddy was in no real danger! Whew!
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asking for a 'Friend', I'm glad that you edified. ;-) You did catch my disclaimers, yeah? I cannot be held legally responsible for any misrepresentations that I may have given regarding the titty-fucking habit of entire homosexual population of the world. ;-)
herd'T'hinner! I'm sorry to hear about the cake. But, what if it's, like, one of those huge giant cookies? Would that be better? :-)
ReplyDeleteMy cousin, who's a famous herbivore (well, famously herbivoric within our carnivorous family), has been known to surreptitiously reach onto my plate, on very rare occasion, and take a wee bit of bacon. She says it's the smell that gets her. Inevitably, she'll only have one or two bites, though, and sneak the rest back onto my plate. She knows that I don't judge her, so my bacon is "safe", I guess.
As for ass-to-mouth, or holy fuck that's not for me (as either the giver or the receiver), you can find out more than you ever wanted to know, in non-exaggerated description, here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ass_to_mouth. It's definitely not purely an excellent Kevin Smith riff (he had to follow up the "snowballing" from the original Clerks flick with something, though, don't'cha know?). ;-)
As for your surgery and condition, please forgive me for prying (no pun intended), but, is it not something you'd like to give the medical establishment another go at? That may be too personal a question (and if so, I do apologize), and I realize we're talking in generalities here, but, damn, I just hate for you that you have to be uncomfortable, like, constantly. :-(
"T"
ReplyDeleteYeah, I wouldn't have expected "Corndogs" to be the thing that would be so amazing at the DL complex, but there it is... And they were reasonably (by comparison) priced too, something like 4 bucks for the dog and fries. Almost a foot long dog, thick breading, fried to a crispy shell with soft fluffiness before the dog. Mmmmm.
Damn, I've got to find a way to get back down there this year.
As for A-T-M (which I totally couldn't put in that other post) there is a whole subculture of fetishists out there who are truly into it...And I'm sure Smag's recommendation on where to read more is spot-on.
ReplyDeleteOh my God, I leave for a few days and this is what you're up to....
ReplyDeleteFOOD & SEX
SEX & FOOD
Dishing it up as always! I should have known....can't leave for a moment...and here everyone is...having more sex and more food! And on a stick!!!!!!!
Wait,there's more to life, Debbie?
ReplyDeleteLOL...no I think that about sums life up...sex and food...can't get much better than that! Oh, and then there's Smaggie...and the weekly gang here...so maybe a bit more than sex and food...fun conversations! At the least enlightening, entertaining and educational, but mostly sex, food, and good times.
ReplyDeleteI luv you Smag, I luv you Man! If I weren't attached, and you weren't attached----who knows? I might even be tempted to do that online crazy person thing! LOL! But luckily, we are both happily entrenched in our real world lives....
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