From a Submariner's Perspective is a weekly column, written in response to the letters sent in to advice columnist "Prudie" at Each week, The Submariner responds to the letter writers in a way that author, Emily Yoffe, probably can't (but perhaps would like to...). Each entry is headed with a link to the orginal questions and Yoffe's answers. Enjoy!

Also, if you have questions that you'd like answered by The Submariner, or anyone here at "The Fly", just write to me at and I'll forward to the appropriate party/parties for an answer (or you can write to them directly via the e-mail addresses on their pages)! Once the answers are published, I'll drop you a note letting you know.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

...on Penthouse Forum Letters and Other Silliness  (03/04/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey there, Shippers! How in the hell are ya today? It’s a fine, fine Prudie Day, to be sure, but I find myself in a most foul mood. Why? I’m not sure. Could be work and school combining to frazzle my brain and piss me off. Could just be the weather. Who knows? But, regardless, it’s okay because, right here before us, laid out like a buffet of melty Velveeta cheese on a mermaid’s titties (with nice crispy dippin’ chips and Cheetos on the side), are some Letter Writers so inane, so clueless, so in need of a beat down that I’m pretty sure it’s all going to be okay once we’re done. With that in mind, and because I can’t wait to get to the Velveeta, let’s get to these letters!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’m 38 and a widower of three years. Since my wife died, I’ve been all about my son and my job. Before that, I was all about my wife. See, I get really fixated on stuff and then focus my entire life on it, Prudie. So, after my wife (the focus of my life and apple of my eye at the time) died, I turned that life focus and ocular fruit analogies toward my son. And that’s been fine for three years, but, I’ve recently hired a 24 year old baby sitter and, like a scene straight out of Penthouse Forums, she wants me! She’s wants all of my 38-year-old manhood, Prudie! Hot damn! Jackpot! So now, naturally, I’m all fixated on her and she’s become the all-encompassing focus of my life (did I mention that I’ve been completely sexless for the last three years while focusing everything on my son and on my job?). However, she’s got a boyfriend and I don’t want to get in the way of that. Plus, if we hit it off, great, we can get married, but, if we don’t, and we break up, my son would lose a great babysitter! What should I do? Holy shit, I can’t even count the ways in which you’re fucking up because you’re doing it in so many directions and with such aplomb that it’s like you’re striving for a Ph.D. in Fuckedupedness here! First off, you need to slow the fuck down. You haven’t even had a date with this lady and you’re planning for either, a) marriage, or, b) an ugly breakup in which your son is going to suffer. How about, say, if you really like her and think she’s just amazing, that you tell her that you aren’t going to even think about dating anyone who’s with someone else, but, too, in the same breath, warn that even if she does break up with her boyfriend, the two of you might have a single date and decide things aren’t meant to be. My guess is that will happen right about the moment you want to discuss Lynyrd Skynyrd or Pink Floyd and she says, “Whoa! Your friends have such weird names!” Sure, you’ll still have sex that night, but will it be worth it? And even if it is worth it, you’ll still be out a baby sitter because you know you won’t be able to have a second date after that shit (okay, maybe you will, it has been a long time, but surely not a third). Truth is, Prudie’s right. Relax, slow down, put out the word amongst your friends that you’re now ready to start looking. Hell, you’ve already got a great baby sitter (whom you really should keep at arm’s length, by the way)! That’s Step One already solved. Then, go slow and actually date. And, don’t go proposing marriage to the first date you have after just one date, okay? I swear to God, if we get a letter that starts, “Dear Prudie, I’ve just come home from a fantastic first date and I was wondering what type of engagement ring to buy for when I pop the question on our next date...”, I’m going to kick you in the jimmy. Hard. Got it? Good.

LW#2: (Smag Note: normally I rewrite the letters for the LWs in order to demonstrate what I believe to be their true inner voice. For this letter, no such rewriting is necessary. At all. So, I’m simply going to attempt to peel away any tiny social grace the LW might have included, since the original letter is already very clear about the LW’s motivations and personality--a sterling example of someone who knows themselves and isn’t afraid to let their freak flag fly!) Dear Prudie, I’m a fucking ratty-assed, skanky, shitty, selfish, lowlife, conceited Bitch. I’m pregnant, and, as such, I don’t believe that anyone else should be allowed to be pregnant as that would steal the spotlight from me (this goes double for any marriages occurring within three months of any of my many eventual marriages, too, by the way). Since the world revolves around my vagina and me, anyone else daring to get pregnant when I am, even if I haven’t told anyone that I’m pregnant, is an affront to me, and I believe that those persons should be killed. Not tortured, killed. The worst offender of all would be if my MIL who, as you well know, Prudie, being over 25, has a dried up cooter box and is now only good for being a grandmother to my beautiful babies. Well, you guessed it, she has the gall to get knocked up, Prudie! At the same time as me! What do I say when my MIL steals my baby announcement spotlight by announcing that she, too, is pregnant? Well, since I’m pretty sure that she was thinking of you as she had sex and got pregnant, seeing as we all think of you, all the time, every moment of every day, you needn’t say a thing. She already knows how wonderful and incredible you are and upon hearing your good news she will likely spontaneously abort her fetus and not say a word, thus allowing you full spotlight time, or perhaps, if she’s extra strong and can prevent the abortion, she’ll later (after your time in the sun, and in front of no one else, lest it take attention away from you) suggest having her fetus transplanted into your superior womb to be raised as your child because she knows full well that she’s a dried up prune whose only worth in life is to serve you. So don’t worry. You’re fine, and your husband is the luckiest bastard in the entire world! No, really.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, one of my friends recently got a great job with a multinational company. The problem is that the company is located in an authoritarian country where the ruling family welcomes out-of-country talent because that arrangement creates wealth for the family (somehow) while preventing the empowerment of locals who would, once empowered, rise up and overthrow the ruling family and then install a beautiful democracy that would cause flowers to bloom and angels to sing in three part harmony. As such, I see my friend having taken this job as an impediment to democracy for millions of people and I now think of her as essentially in league with despots the world over. I'm thinking of dropping my friend because of her incredible evilness. Am I being too judgmental? To answer your question, no, you’re not. Actually, you’re being a fucking asshole prick of the 99th order (you would have made the 100th order, but, sadly for you, you seem to have a jealously thing for your friend, so I’m going to allow that that ugly emotion might be ever so slightly affecting your judgyness of your friend). But, as to what to do, you can drop her over this, which is fine, or don’t drop her. Simple. But if you pick the latter, then shut the fuck up over her job choice. Times are tough. She’s not doing shit to the people of that country. Further, living there and spending her money there might actually help the locals in some small way--at least there’s a chance. You, though? What are you doing for them? I can tell you this much, bitching and whining and moaning and groaning to your friend isn’t doing anything to help those people. Put that in your smug little asspipe and smoke on it for a while, you fucker. God damn, I hate judgmental pricks like you, sitting there on the same stool that you sit on every day, likely drinking high dollar coffee from a non-fair trade seller, judging your friend who’s actually out in the world doing something, because you read an article on-line about some company in some country and now think that you know all about the plight of the poor locals there. Why don’t you get off your ass and try to do some real good somewhere in the world, eh?

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I was born with six toes and six fingers on each foot and hand. Surgery at age one removed the extra appendages and other than fucking up my ability to reproduce without emotional heartache and spontaneously producing inane letters to the Internet Lady, I’m now fine. Before I get ready to settle down and have a family, though, I’m wondering when I should talk to my girlfriend about the fact that our future kids will likely be gigantic-headed mutant babies with fingers and toes sticking out all over the place, causing the medical staff and any other adults in the area to run in fear? Well, first off, did you read my advice to LW#1? Why don’t you slow the fuck down and find someone who’s actually ready to have kids with you. That’s always a good first step. Why don’t you then go on ahead and plan for children (I’m not saying you have to get married, but actually prepare yourselves financially and emotionally for parenthood). As you’re doing this, you know, figuring out all of that adult stuff that wise and prepared people do in order to become parents (some of us prior to actual pregnancy, some of us, much, much later, but it usually does work out, trust me), talk with your girlfriend about the fact that your kids will most likely require minor surgery after birth, and figure out what you’ll need to do financially and emotionally to deal with that fact. Holy fuck, man. I mean, if that’s the kind of shit bothering you about having kids, you either have no problems in your life--at all--or you haven’t thought very hard about this, because there’s just sooooooo much more to worry about than a minor physical anomaly. Slow down, Speed Racer, slow down.

Well Shippers, that’s about it, I guess. Do you feel any better? I’m not sure if I do or not? I mean I vented some. And it was fun and all, but I wonder if I was heard? Should I write to Prudie to find out how I should feel about this? ;-) Nah! I’ll admit it, it was fun. :-) I hope you guys are having a great day and a great week and that all is going wonderfully well with you in your own Lagoon, and, too, when you’re here in Ours! Fair winds and following seas to you all, Shippers!


  1. "Put that in your smug little asspipe and smoke on it for a while, you fucker".
    YES! Made me laugh out loud. I could not wait to read your take on this weeks letters, and was def not disappointed.

  2. Awesome job, as always. Someone needs to give you a syndicated column pronto.

    LW#2-- "This goes double for any marriages occurring within three months of any of my many eventual marriages, too, by the way." lololol. Nailed it. You KNOW this girl was a delight when it came to planning her wedding. I can see the list of Bridesmaid demands now... #1 Nothing good can happen in your life prior to and within three months after my wedding. #2 If, despite your best efforts, something good DOES happen to you during this time period, discussing said thing with ANYONE is strictly forbidden.

    LW#3-- You nailed this one, too. I hate these kinds of people. When I invited one friend to my wedding (which, I promise you, did not entail a list of bridesmaid demands), she asked how "green" the event was going to be. I mean, seriously? How am I supposed to answer that? "Well, in lieu of throwing rice, we're asking everyone to dump 14 gallons of crude oil into the nearby river, so, you know, not very." or "You know, sensitivity to your political issues was naturally the first thing I thought of when planning this blessed event, so I made sure to pick out a dress made out of free range, organic, sustainably produced hemp picked by well-compensated workers." People need to get off their high horses and start seeing the human beings behind underneath the piles of political baggage they're heaping on them.

    Another great column, Smag.

  3. Greetings from the Daffodil blooming, Crocus filled air of Southern Oregon where the trees are in bloom and the weather is fair! And thankfully the Earth is not moving under our feet!

    This batch of Prudie letters gives me hope for an interesting week of fun filled snark from the best!

    I waited until coffee time was over so as to not snort my favorite hot beverage therefore causing myself great undue snout pain and upon reading about the fellow with 6 toes and fingers this decision turned out to my advantage! Lightened things up immediately for Dear Prudie hearing from this fellow!

    Once again I have these thoughts I feel a need to share somehow believing them to have some validity!

    Oh, LW1 What's a man to do? Simple really. Know the following to be true and it will guide you well grasshopper.
    Men and Women are like busses, miss one and another will be along in 15 minutes. Easy? Leave the babysitter to her own drama, you do not need the drama created by doing anything different from what you are doing now, ignore her advances, keep her as a babysitter! If you put out vibes you are now dating at breakfast, every age group of single women will be lined up by lunchtime, trust me, there will be so many women age 24 and beyond...and no worries, they will ask you out.

    LW2 I am feeling less than generous and simply grace avoids me today. Suck it up you Miserable woman, really, grow up if you can as you are obviously too young to have children. You grate on my last nerve with all your whineing and sniveling about something no one has any control over.

    LW3 of third world thinking. Tell your friend exactly how you feel immediately! Why should she continue to waste valuable time on your friendship when she could be making lasting friendships with people who are moving forward in this world?

    And my all time favorite...LW3...which makes up for last week entirely, possibly for the entire year! I would tell her outright about your genetic concern. What if she does not believe in correcting the extra finger's and toes with surgery? What if she wants her child to stay as it was born? You know some religions control what medical miracles should be performed? Hmmm? You need to know her thinking sooner rather than later? Why have you waited so long to tell her? Over time this information has to come out since the genetic sequence will repeat in your offspring, you are doing yourself a disservice in keeping this information so long from whomever you date. I agree with Prudie, I'd openly say I am special, the one things you'd never guess is I had 6 finger's and 6 toes at one time! May as well thin the herd from the very beginning instead of tormenting yourself after you are attached to someone emotionally. Plenty of women will not care because you are the cat's meow in their eyes and that is who you want to fall in love with.

    And Smaggie, if only you had 6 fingers and toes you could swim ever so fast to Mermaid's side of the lagoon where melty cheese awaits. One persons suggested negative is another's the human matter how many varieties we are always interesting.

    Happy trails....

  4. Tressea...I'd love to have her define what a 'green' wedding consists of, truly, what the hell is that?

    The wine was made yesterday from useless grapes and in recycled bottles?
    The dance floor is bamboo?
    The floral arrangements were donated by the funeral home, the hospital?
    The wedding chapel used to be a Barnes & Noble?

    I've emailed my invitations, (hope you get yours)?

    Wh'aat is this green wedding? Useless thoughts by useless people abound.

  5. Letter writer #2 actually drove me out of lurkdom on the Fray, for once.

    Smag, that was awesome. I laughed, I cried, it changed my life. Or something.


  6. Hey JayJay, and greetings! :-) I'm glad that you enjoyed the weekly offering. It's always a pleasure to see you around the Lagoon, and doubly so when you're so complimentary--now if I can just fit my head out the door... ;-)

    Thank you! Good Cheer! :-)

  7. Hey Tressea, and welcome! :-) I loved your most excellent "Well, in lieu of throwing rice, we're asking everyone to dump 14 gallons of crude oil into the nearby river, so, you know, not very" line! Wouldn't it be cool to be brave enough or quick enough or just willing to pop off stuff like that on demand. I do it sometimes, I'll admit, but I'll also acknowledge that if I had a 20 second delay on all interactions, I'd far more witty! :-)

    Outstanding stuff all around, thank you! Cheers! :-)

  8. Greetings Debbie, and Ahoy! You know, I completely didn't think of the angle that you mention where the potential mom might not only be fine with extra digits, but insist that they stay! I went to school with a six-toed girl. She was very proud of it and I thought she was super-cool because of it. Of course, part of that might have had to do with the fact that she was a girl! ;-)

    Excellent take on #3, too! Very nice!

    Good cheer, Debbie! :-)

  9. Hey Amanda! Wow, sounds my column was *almost* up for Oscar consideration. Right up until your last observation. ;-) I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

    I haven't been to The Fray in a couple of days, so I haven't seen your musings there yet, but, maybe tomorrow will allow enough time? We'll see.

    Many cheers! :-)

  10. The beauty! It can be found in the snark here. I'm loving it.

    I've determined what would be the ultimate green wedding.

    Nude. And we're only serving fresh brook water...from your hand.

  11. Hello SB1...I pop in on you every week after the Thursday Prudie read. I don't comment much 'cause I'm right there agreeing with you most always. I didn't get to Prudie until this AM and then of course ran right over here to the lagoon...and SO glad I did! You've started off my Friday w/ a much needed hearty LOL, an also have given me my favorite new word that I will be incorporating into my vocabulary: "Fuckupedness" I am positive this word will serve me well, and may even replace 'Fuckburger....with cheese' for the week :) Thanks for the weekly fun (and new words)!! CRiker

  12. I is just want assure Americans that you is no worry to come Afghanistan. We is have full democracy here...........ahhhh hahahahahaha !!!
    Is almost as good as the Pink Floyd joke, no ?

    (Seriously, though, Afghan politician still not as corrupt as the American)

  13. Ahoy Captain Smag, as one who is graced with her very own and real PhD in Fuckdeness I truly appreciate your learned advice, not to mention your brilliant vacabulary!

  14. Debbie: "Men and Women are like busses, miss one and another will be along in 15 minutes."

    Oh what a pearl of wisdom! Why didn't anyone tell me before I got married at age 19!

  15.'ve got me started. My favorite issue,Dating 101,I should teach a class.

    It is true for both sexes as long as you are well groomed, fresh clothing, showered, shaved, clean hair, brushed teeth, nice smelling, are not frowning, whining, sniveling, snorting or any other assorted physical tick,someone is checking you out and I mean in a good way, if you so choose you could line them up for dates through the 4th of July. Never ending supply.

    Even women sporting the ever enchanting Mullet hair style are married to someone (I see them on Survivor). And look around, men don't even give up their favorite scuffed running shoes, baggy assed jeans hanging about their knees for a well groomed woman to be on their arm.

    I on the other hand wish my man to be able to run without tripping on the swaddling between his legs, baggy ass jeans with crotch hanging about knees, odd swaddling gate those boys sport. And I like a man who owns more than two pairs of shoes even if one is a lightweight hiker and the other a boot, after all I do live in the Pacific Northwest where Gortex is king.

    And first on a long list besides all the tick issues...teeth, I am all about teeth, the bacteria in ones mouth transfers,bacteria of gum disease is the same bacteria that destroys the heart. People with gum disease are on the road to poor heart health and it skeeves me out!
    Why do I avoid the tick issues...because it's the simple things in life that make us happy with a mate, for me it's having someone I can be quiet with without them driving me nuts by, herky jerking some body part as self stimulation shaking the sofa, people who pick at themselves are not fun to hang with, my crazy sister's last husband always had a finger digging in his ear constantly,and his sucking back his sinus drip was a nightmare. This guy was one tick after another. She was clueless and still is, her list had...must not lick dinner plate...OMG...her new guy is another nightmare.
    People who make that pesky sucking sound through their teeth to get something out, nuts, I'll go nuts! Hair twirlers! Sheesh, bit of self stimulation again.

    I believe those are the deal breakers when one is dating. A long term mate is someone whose personal habits don't set you off. When my husband was dating he chased this woman for months to meet her, she was, as he says, a tall drink of water, but when she spoke, the high pitch of her voice set his nerves on fire. Needless to say I love hearing him tell it.
    When I dated I had my, I can't live with list, it's a good starting point as you don't know about some of what you've never come across but you do know the things that drive you nuts, and men, they work off their own similar list.

    When I dated I was always asked, have you been married, do you have children, what type of work do you do, do you live alone, what car do you drive, and I was busy watching for ticks and if they treated the wait staff with respect. It took me awhile to shoot back the same questions until I felt like a mimic but it worked. My husband does not drive me nuts, I never felt any need to think I could change him. I still think he's handsome, he makes my motor run, makes me laugh and its been,OMG,30 years and we are still young! He rides his dirt bike like a maniac every Saturday,I knew this would be how he spent his Saturday's from the beginning.

    And I believe there is value in dating more than one person at a time just like men do. One date Friday night, another person Saturday night and a third for Sunday brunch. Move them along and keep em' coming until you meet that one guy, that one amazing guy that has nothing on your list, that chases you down knowing you are not a woman home sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. I had a life before he came along...and I can cook!

    If we didn't keep em' moving along would we have ever met each other? Odds are not.

  16. Herd"T"hinner again

    Aqualad, please incorporate "clusterfuck" somehow in future, if possible. It's my favorite. Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter.

    (Confession time: I've got a big walk-in closet full of fuckedupedness, which is why I never send letters to advice columnists!)

    LW1 - my guess is that Cosmopolitan has similar forums. I mean, every article is about How to Drive Your Man Wiiiiiild, so I figure that the letters are similar, with genders reversed.


    LW2 - she reminds me very much of a letter of last year, which is what got me hooked on your counter-advice, Aqualad. Remember the chick who was jeaulous of her SIL getting pregnant before she did, WAS SECRETLY RELIEVED THAT SIL MISCARRIED, and then fretted about how to announce her own pregnancy?

    Good times.

    Anyway, I admit that I (inwardly) raise an eyebrow over women over 40 (like the MIL) getting pregnant. And that was just a sock thrown out of my Closet of Fuckedupedness! But in my defense, it comes from a general concern about increased health risks for the kid.

    But blowing out the AllAboutMe-ometer? Not so much. Besides, nobody else can do that within 3 months of LW2 doing that. NOBODY!!!

    LW3 - y'know, fuck his letter. I wanna know what a "green" wedding is, too!

    LW4 - in the first Addams Family movie, the combination to the Addams' vault was "2-10-11."

    "Eyes-Fingers-Toes," reminds Gomez to his still-amnesiac brother, Fester.

    So it could become a beloved family trait, as well as helpful for codes.

    Debbie, you DO play well with others! The "list" refers to can't-live-with traits, right? Mine goes around the world several times. Fortunately I wouldn't know what to do with a male companion if I had one, so it all works out!

  17. Dear Mr Smag,

    You are wrong with respect to LW #1. His "fuckedupness" stems from his lack of any sustained pussy... three years worth. Not to mention his horrific dealings with a terminally ill wife. I am willing to grant him any and all permission to pursue whatever it is he wishes with regard to his desires...and his child will survive without so much as a bat of his eyelash. You know why? Cause kids have many people that come in and out of their lives...without so much as a friggin' care. So he boffs the nanny and then she's gone. There will be another. I cannot be so sure that another woman so "qualified" will be there waiting for Dad. His happiness means something... for both him and his child. The only notable argument I've seen that holds a shred of validity as to why he should NOT pursue this opportunity is he might lose a good babysitter. So what... take the chance. Life's too short. Fire her, hire someone else and ask her out. Drink freely, laugh and enjoy life... you deserve it. And then take your child to school the next Monday like always... with a huge grin and a much improved perspective on life.


  18. Greetings Libby! I'm glad that you enjoy the snark! It's what's for breakfast! ;-) And, as for your green wedding, I agree. And I think the guests should be made to adhere to the rules, too! And it definitely cuts down on the catering costs, eh? :-)


  19. Greetings CRiker! Thank you for commenting! I hope that you'll feel free to do so anytime as it really is wonderful to hear from everyone who drops by the Lagoon. :-)

    As for the Ph.D. in Fuckedupedness, it's a tough degree to earn, but, our young LW was striving for it! I'll give him credit, though. Ph.D.s are respectable, regardless of the discipline. :-)

    Good cheer, CRiker, and I hope to see you again soon! :-)

  20. moohammed, I'm glad to see that you've recovered from your deep cave experiences of last week. Sometimes I wonder about the concept of Democracy. It's an interesting this, isn't it? And perspective is quite key! As for corruption, moohammed, didn't you know that the US of A is #1 in everything? Did you think we were going to let Afghanistan beat us in corruption?! ;-)

    Good cheer, mate, and thank you for stopping by the lagoon! I know it's not as natural to you as your normal desert abode, so I appreciate it doubly. ;-)

  21. Greetings Kati, and thank you! As for your Ph.D. in Fuckedupedness (we've all strived in that direction at one point in our life or another), I will allow that you may have earned one, but, I will also note that you hold doctorates in Awesomeness, Incredibleness and Wonderfulness. So, being as you hold four, I'm guessing that makes you overall a doctor of Fantasicalisticness! :-)


  22. Debbie, you *should* teach a class! And this: She was clueless and still is, her list had...must not lick dinner plate...OMG... Well, it made me snort my coffee. Seems that just come around and goes around, eh? The sad thing is that I'm sure you were being serious! Oh well. Fortunately, my snort was back in my coffee cup (I won't admit to drinking the rest or not as that might be one of the ticks on your list!). ;-)

    I'm only curious about one item on your list: what type of car do you drive? Was that only too catch ticks, or did you have a standard? And, if the latter, please expound as I'm keenly interested.

    For the record, I drive a 13 year old Saturn station wagon (green) with 200K miles on it. We ordered it from the factory, standard transmission, A/C and cruise control. That's it. No other upgrades. No power windows, no heated chairs, nothing else. It's been and continues to be a GREAT car. How would that car have done on your list? ;-)

    Good cheer and good stuff, Debbie! Seriously, teach a class! Hey, you could start a blog on this stuff! :-)

  23. Greetings and ahoy, Herd"T"hinner! Okay, clusterfuck it is! I hope everyone will help remind me! :-)

    I understand about the over-40 concerns, but, only for your reasons, not EVER, for the LW's reasons. Oh.My.God! Seriously?! I have to think the letter was fake because no one could possibly be *that* clueless, but, they say that truth is stranger than fiction... ;-)

    Thank your stopping by, HT! It's always a genuine pleasure and the Lagoon is always happier after your visit. :-)

  24. Greetings Fourleaf! Thank you for stopping by the Lagoon! :-) I agree with you on the one hand. It *is* tough going without sex, and, if the LW was in the state of mind that you and I are in, I'd agree with you 100%. For me and you, sleeping with the baby sitter would be just about sleeping with the baby sitter. And we'd let her know that (perhaps not directly, but certainly indirectly, and then she could enter into the relationship with both eyes open)! And we'd be very appreciative and treat her well while it lasted, however long that was (and we can certainly fantasize that it'd be awhile)!

    But, here's where we disagree; on the other hand. The LW isn't like us. His head isn't in the right place for some basic after-three-years sex. He's all worried about his son's reaction to the near-certain breakup with the baby sitter, how his relationship with the baby sitter will play out, what sort of moral dilemma there is, considering the fact that the baby sitter has a boyfriend. Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. As such, his head's most certainly *not* in the right place to bang the baby sitter. It won't be good for him or for her. And, like it or not, sex should never, ever, ever be just about one person. And women are not meat. Ever. That's what masturbation is for. At least IMHO.

    However, since we agree that he needs sex, I stand by my advice that he put out the word that he's ready to get out there in the game again. He'll have so many women over, he'll be dehydrated in days (note Debbie's excellent post on the subject). Again, I agree that his happiness is important. I just think that his happiness cannot preclude respect for another human being or his own current state of mind. As such, *I* am right. ;-)

    Good cheer, Fourleaf!

  25. Which is easier to replace, a trusted baby sitter or 24 year old?

    I think forgetting that this person not only has complete care over your child, I'd bet 40 hours a week, lack of "ticks" is very important, brains in an emergency, and they don't hammer your kid into submission nor duct tape them to a post is HUGE. Sorry, children are effected by who comes and goes in their small worlds. Try living in harmony with a pissed off child that hates the babysitter.
    They are in your home, with your things, personal records, phone numbers,computer,a sitter you trust completely, available week after week, if this man opens the flood gates to date he needs this babysitter beyond a 40 hour week! She is vital to his actually having sex, can you stay out until the wee hours to have sex if you've no sitter?

    So which is easier to replace?

  26. Smaggie, drinking Coffee with Snout Floater's would be on my list.

    As a very young girl I drove a 1905 Model T Ford of my Grandmother's while visiting during the summer's taking lunch out to the hay fields in Minnesota, it bumped and rollicked along the dirt roads which was quite fun. We had a VW bug growing up and my Mom would make that thing corner making your eyebrows dance. In high school my best friend bought a new Blue VW Bug, it was great until she stomped on the brakes coming from the Dairy Farm breaking glass gallons of milk on the passenger floorboards...stunk for ages. Bad juju!

    What have I driven, began with a souped up Impala with some guy thing t-bone shifter,shook like a belly dancer then roared down the road. OMG, like herding kitties. Then I had a 1959 Rootbeer brown truck that the driver's door flew open when I took it around those corners as if I was driving a Bug, that made your heart race.

    My first new car a Red Fiat convertible, which was the first time I ever said fuck in front of my Mom as a guy almost crashed into me. I do believe I was yelling, you fucker for about a mile then turned towards the passenger seat and remembered she was in the car. She was laughing, I was in shock. I made the clueless error of taking her to see Young Frankenstein at the theater on Mother's Day, she sang at the top of her lungs for months afterwards! Uncomfortable.

    I tried to buy a new Subaru wagon but that was when women didn't make large purchases, only manly men did and they would not take me seriously, which pissed me off and I took my money elsewhere.

    For years I drove a Camero, then I bought my first Honda and fell in love with them. I had to buy a new one due to not understanding that radiator fluid turns acidic if you don't change it and it was eating all my aluminum components and soon would die an ugly death leaving me stranded somewhere.

    I'm still driving 5 speeds, automatic's are boring as hell, like pushing a marshmallow down the road, bahhhhh, bahhhh, then finally you get some speed, people are crazy here when you try to get on the freeway, without power you'll die. I zip around in my Black Honda Accord that has all the bells and whistles one would need with my Weimaraner hanging out the back window making people laugh at her happy smile, ears a flapping, not a care in the world doggy face. I hand wash the tougher than nails dog slobber, Carnauba wax it and she parks in the garage awaiting another adventure in my city of 70,000.

    So Smaggie, I've never been impressed by what a guy drives, more about if he cared for what he spent his hard earned money on. A guy that respects not only his car but his money is more attractive than if he drives the most popular vehicle while flashing Platinum or Gold credit cards while being clueless about his interest rate. Don't get me started.

    Yes, sadly I was serious about the must not lick dinner plate,she also had on her last list,must like a condiment other than ketchup! She's found a guy who uses Mustard with glee now and other condiments too. He's a financial moron but his eating habits are much improved over the last husband, after all, when you will need to live in a tent due to being a financial moron that Mustard does not need refrigeration. She's trying to stick with her decision that after three divorces it is costly, so maybe she'll hold off on the marriage idea. One can hope.

  27. Hail, SB1. I like your catch on LW1 rushing off down the aisle. I'm curious - how would you compare this LW1 to the recent LW1 who kept mentioning his old flame's strong sex drive every other sentence? This one struck me as just possibly more intrigued by the situation and possibilities than drawn to the woman in particular, but I'm probably too influenced by his being perhaps worthy of partial credit.

  28. You is most welcome, Mr Smag. I like to read your column while i is rub on the soothing calamine lotion....

  29. Debbie, I'm with you on the baby sitter. It would not be an easy thing to maneuver, and out LW definitely doesn't seem to be in the mental state to do it.

    As for Snout Floaters, OMG! You almost made me snort again! And I agree, that's a tick on the list. Rest assured, I don't drink coffee with snout floaters in. ;-)

    Your poor sister, Debbie. Well, even if you do start a class on dating, it seems some people are just beyond help. :-(

  30. Greetings hrumpole! Ahoy! :-) I like this LW much more than the previous paramour. This one *does* have (and demonstrates) many redeeming qualities. I took it as my job to help steer him toward those qualities, recognizing that the desire to dip one's wick after such a time away is sometimes a very powerful force that can potentially cause a great deal of brain malfunction. In our LW's case, I think he noticed some hurdles, but was missing other, more obvious ones. And, fact is, I think there are better candidates out there for him.

    So yes, I agree with your assessment of partial credit. He deserves that rating.

    Good cheer! :-)

  31. Oh, moohammed, you've reminded me of one of the creepiest movies of all rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets... Oh, shivers!

    I'm not saying that I think of YOU that way! I'm just saying that your post reminded me of that movie quote. :-)

  32. Have you had any nice Chianti lately?

  33. About Poly-Boy:

    There were two different sorts of minor birth defects among my siblings. My kids, too, each had one of two minor birth defects, but guess what? The mis-firing genes hit a different area in my kids (and in my nephews and nieces) than in my siblings. Yet none of the defects were anything they'd have been aware of as adults, had they not been informed of them.

    Which is to say, Poly-Boy needs to chill. Odds are, his kids won't have anything that can't be dealt with very early. If his kids do, then like parents of special-needs children everywhere, he'll learn to be an expert on the subject of that particular need/needs.

    Besides, just because his beloved girlfriend doesn't have an eye growing on the back of her head doesn't mean that she (or her brothers) didn't have a birth defect of her own to be concerned about! Unless there is a gene for some horrible disease such as spinal bifida or progeria or something as bad, there's probably not even a need to consider ending the genetic line and adopting only.

  34. Hi Smag! Thank you for sharing your venting. I really needed the laughter as well as the new ~ terminology ~ this week.

  35. Hey CoolOne! All excellent and very valid points. Sometimes I wonder about the sanity of breeding people. Remember the diaper daddies? Or rather, the diaper-less daddies? Holy smokes!

    My apologies for taking so long to respond. Seems work is acting up again--I mean, you'd think they pay me for my time or something! Sheesh! :-)

    Good cheer!

  36. Hey Beckaroo! Thank you for coming by and sharing your laughter and appreciation! :-) It does my heart good. :-)


  37. I am Mrs. VANISSA DANIEL from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband, and i love him so much we have been married for 4 years now with three kids. when he went for a vacation to RUSSIAN he meant a lady called SANDRA, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend miss joy and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called prophet jeremiah omoto who is man of God for her ex and bring him back to her after 2days. Miss joy ask me to contact prophet jeremiah omoto I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the God of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by two days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After two day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great MAN OF God did for me and my husband, you can contact prophet jeremiah omoto on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his EMAIL contact: or watch him television marcylandtv com or +2347055176615 .