From a Submariner's Perspective is a weekly column, written in response to the letters sent in to advice columnist "Prudie" at Each week, The Submariner responds to the letter writers in a way that author, Emily Yoffe, probably can't (but perhaps would like to...). Each entry is headed with a link to the orginal questions and Yoffe's answers. Enjoy!

Also, if you have questions that you'd like answered by The Submariner, or anyone here at "The Fly", just write to me at and I'll forward to the appropriate party/parties for an answer (or you can write to them directly via the e-mail addresses on their pages)! Once the answers are published, I'll drop you a note letting you know.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

...on Idiots Who Think They're Adults (01/14/10) <--Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey there, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? All here is well. It pretty much couldn’t be better, matter of fact. I mean, one single day’s difference in one direction or the other might prove to make it perfect, but, otherwise, this is pretty much golden. I hope yours is going as well. But, now that we have the niceties out of the way, why don’t we get to the real reason we’re here; to lay the smack down on some letter writers! Let’s get to it, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my wife is great and beautiful and everything is perfect in my life, yaddah-yaddah, but....there are these two girls in the building across the way and they like to parade around in various stages of undress, and, well, I can’t help but look. What should I do? My wife and I have good naughty time together, but this is a whole other thing! Should I go over there and tell these girls what they obviously already know, that they’re putting on a nightly peep show? Should I then offer to pay them for the rocks I’ve tossed while inspired by their boudoir activities? Should I tell my wife what I’ve been doing? Help me Prudie because I can’t think of any other alternatives to solve this cataclysmic problem! Dude, I’m not sure who issued you your Adult Card, but you need to turn it in. Same with your Marriage Card. You’re far too immature to handle that serious a relationship. This is so much not a problem that I don’t know where to begin. First of all, these ladies know what they’re doing, or else they’re too stupid to realize it, and, either way, that means they don’t care. Second, you need to figure out your relationship with your wife and why you think it’d be a problem for you to be watching naked chicks out your window. Third, what about sex is "naughty"?  Listen, do you turn away from the television when a shampoo ad is on? Do you cover your eyes as you walk by Victoria’s Secret in the mall? Married people share stuff like this. Next time you see this happening, call your wife over and say, “Oh my god, dude! Look at that!” Or, if she’s not home, when she gets home, say, “Hon, you are never going to guess what I saw! Right over there!” If she can’t handle that (and, conversely, if you couldn’t handle the same if she said it to you about the stud in 4B), you two have more problems to navigate than just a poorly lit apartment and a peep show.

#2: Dear Prudie, my wife and her sister used to be very close. Well, one day recently they were on the phone and just laughing away. When my wife hung up, I asked her what was so funny and she didn’t want to tell me, saying it was about something at her sister’s work and that my SIL had sworn my wife to secrecy (I work with my wife’s sister, by the way). Well, I wasn’t going to accept that, so, I weaseled the info out of my wife. She made me promise not to tell her sister, but, the very next weekend, because I’m a raving dumbass, I mentioned the secret information to my SIL. My SIL was mortified that my wife had told and she left! Well, personally, I blame my wife and her sister for this gale of a shit storm. My wife for telling me, and the sister for being such a heinous bitch. But, since my wife isn’t cooking dinner for me anymore, or giving me sex, I thought I’d try to be all magnanimous and stuff and fix things up between these two. You’re a chick, what can I do? Dude, I’m not sure who issued you your Adult Card, but, you need to turn it in. And marriage?! Holy shit, you fucking moron, how in the fucking hell can you blame this situation on your wife? You’re the fucking short bus reject who blabbed at the very first fucking opportunity that you got to the one single person in the world that you should not have blabbed to, and that faux pas came after you badgered your wife (I know, I know, it didn’t take any effort on your part to get the info from her.  Thanks for that, you fucking shit stain. Way to go, throwing your wife under the bus like that by adding that info). Now, truth is, there is blame for the sister and your wife (beyond the fact that the sister allowed your wife to marry you, and besides the fact that your wife did), and that’s that they shouldn’t be letting one betrayed trust (especially with a spouse, shit-stain thas he is) ruin their relationship. And, if they’re going to? They have a lot bigger problems than that one broken trust and a dumbass, wife-throwing-under-the-bus, shit-stain, ball cheese-having husband/BIL, and that’s not anything that you can fix for them.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, for two years my husband begged me for a tarantula. After I got good and sloshed one night, I acquiesced and said that he could get one. Now I’m pregnant and will be delivering at some point in the next half year or so, and then, at some point within a few more years after that, the baby might knock the spider cage off the counter and the spider then, might, I don’t know, kill our baby. Plus, that damn thing gives me nightmares something terrible and it can shoot hair and shit out of its ass, and that's apparently quite poisonous. I want my husband to give up the spider. He says no. I say yes, and I’m right. Please tell him. I’m not even going to bother with revoking your Adult Card because it’s clear that you have never gotten past kindergarten. You know, that place where you blame everything in your life that you don’t like on other people or things. You acquiesced to your husband’s request, right? Oh, no, that was the booze and the fact that your husband had begged for two years. I see. You want the spider gone, but, you can’t bear to say  that's the real root cause, so, now it’s about your unborn baby who, in a few years, if your husband is wildly careless (because it certainly won’t be your fault), might get hurt by this spider if about a bazillion things happen causing that injury? I see, so, you're uncomfortable and instead of trying to take any steps yourself to ease that discomfort, you’re blaming your husband’s stubbornness, the baby, the booze, and the spider hair? Okay, got it.  The biggest problem you have is that you don’t know how to take responsibility for yourself and no one’s ever made you. If you were half an adult, you’d know that all you have to do to fix all of your concerns about the spider (except your own terror) is to put the cage on a shelf and put some clips on the cage top. That’s it. But no, that’s not good enough for you, is it? You want to blame the rest of the world for your mistakes. Poor baby. Everyone’s out to get you, aren’t they? You need to do some self analysis, sister, and to come to the realization that the world doesn’t revolve around your cute little drunk ass.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’m a law student and last summer went to do some intern work at a law office here in town. Well, on my first day, I was alone with the attorney and he began having very inappropriate conversations with me, asking about my personal life, telling me about his, etc. It was downright creepy all of this personal talk! So, that night I sent him an e-mail saying that I wasn’t going to go back. I didn’t explain myself or anything, I just said, “See ya!” Well, he’s been trying to contact me to find out what happened, but I haven’t returned his calls/e-mails/texts. What should I do? Holy fucking sad sighs. You Adult Card, and, your Law Card! Turn them in. Right the fuck now. And bring your husband’s for good measure because he’s an idiot, too. What you should have fucking done at the first moment you got uncomfortable, you amazing twit, is that you should have said, “Dude, I’m a little uncomfortable with this line of discussion. May I ask some questions about, you know, law instead?” I mean, to me, talking about personal life and asking about personal life is just friendly talking, but, I’m going to take your word for it that it was inappropriate. That being the case, just tell the guy what's up. Holy fuck?! I mean, is it that fucking hard? Just tell the guy. Say, “Dude, you made me way uncomfortable and all of these calls and texts aren’t helping. Please quit trying to contact me as I will not be coming back to work there and there’s nothing more to say.” Then, next time you find yourself in this situation, and it sounds like you certainly will, instead of imitating a clam, act like you wear big girl panties and say, “Whoa there, Mr. Creeper, let’s bring this conversation back to Worksville, okay?”  Okay.

Well, shippers, it’s a sad, sad day when they let children go out and live in the real world, thinking that they’re adults. If I had a rubber hose and all of these LWs’ parents lined up, I’d smack each and every one of them in the head for inflicting their children on the world without first preparing them (or us). Sigh. But, hey, at least this was more fun than last week, eh? Have a great day, shippers! And, tomorrow’s Friday! What a beautiful thing! Fair winds and following seas to you all. Til’ next week....


  1. So am I the only one who wonders if it was inappropriate because she was slightly interested in him, or perhaps it didn't bother her until she was trying to think of what to tell hubby about what she did that day?
    I could be. Yanno. I'm cynical and stuff like that. ;-)

    Way to knock yet another week's worth of letters outta da park!

  2. No, Libby, I'm with you. Something isn't quite right here. Now, I'm not saying she was necessarily interested in they guy, although, hey, I like that theory(!), but, unless she was just a terribly sheltered, yet married, young lady (which would qualify as "isn't quite right"), staying all day and then leaving, and then informing the attorney via e-mail that she was not coming back, but without giving a reason? That's just plain weird. If we're to trust her reporting, she's 12 years old. Perhaps a female Doogie Howser, Esq.?

  3. Ahoy Captain Smag!
    Well I'm not sure I deserve my adult card either but I sure know what I would do with that pesky tarantula:

    I would smash it (To my double cousin the Buddhist if you read this: please forgive me for harboring such murderous thoughts toward a living being).

    Then I would replace it with one of those rubber thingies that are way too realistic anyway.

    Now we all know that the reason some people keep tarantulas around is not for the love of the critter or they wouldn't condemn it to a life in prison.... no, they have the sadistic desire to watch the critter eat live flies!

    As a Flyster, I sure object to that. So my advice would be to each time dear hubby puts a live fly in that terrarium after I replaced the tarantula with a rubber one, to give the fly its freedom and tell hubby that Spidey has come down with the weird habit of not eating in public....

    A better possibility yet might be to just shove the terrarium in the fridge in hubby's absence and then innocently put it back in its place --and then compassionately participate in the mourning and wailing and purchasing a suitable grave monument......

    Or she could just throw the damn thing out (preferably in the snow) and tell hubby it's spidey or me... or she could tell that dunce:
    "she who giveth taketh away" or something like that....

    Or she could just smash the terrarium right in front of hubby and tell him he's lucky she didn't smash it on his head... I'm usually a peaceful sort and am adamantly opposed to domestic violence, but when it comes to spiders, all bets are off!

  4. As for the letter from the Peeping Tom, I wonder if it's not all about the Dude in 4B. He's suddenly worried his wife has been enjoying the sights as much as he has, and so now he wants to make something out of it.....

  5. I meant the "stud in 4B" of course.

  6. Smags, you're the best. You could do this professionally! Although I'd like to think that people wouldn't pay to be told what dumbasses they are, judging from the way they line up to expose themselves on "reality" teevee, I guess paying for the privilege isn't too big a step from there. Meanwhile, thanks for the free smackdowns!

  7. Greetings Kati! I like most the LW telling her dunce husband (hopefully wearing Xena: Warrior Princess garb as she does it), "She who giveth taketh away!" Then, she can wield her sword and cleave the beast in two. I agree that the husband is a dunce, especially once we learned from the Fray (where the LW posted) that the husband is scared to even touch the spider, but, even still, I stand by my assessment of the LW, too, even if she dresses and Xena for my entertainment. ;-)

  8. Greetings fanshawe! Thank you for stopping by and making me blush. ;-) As for what people expose themselves to and are willing to pay for these days, I'm amazed by it, too. But, to each his own, eh (and we can always turn the channel, yes?)? I'm glad that you're enjoying the column. Come back and post more often! We miss you. :-) Thanks again for reading!

  9. First, on a purely selfish note, I wanted to say that I'm sad that my single post to your last week's DP writeup was hopelessly buried in the grand arguments that ensued. :-((

    Y'know what else is sad? I'm starting to do my rolled-up magazine threat to coworkers. COWORKERS! I'm just lucky that they realize it's meant to be in fun. Well, the one or two I've done that to, anyway (the threat, not the actual whacking).

    All right!

    Well, these LW's are lining up early in the morning for a good whacking, and some even brought the Sunday paper as a supplement! I'll dump the coupons and flyers, because those are too slippery.

    Kati, there would never BE a "pet" tarantula in your house, so there'd be no need to kill so creatively. Sorry, that's the pinko/commie/tree-huggin'/"loves aminals more than humans" nutjob in me talking. It's taken me many years, but I've finally managed to reach a place of "Live and Let Live" for spiders. And consider this: some bugs (arachnids count as "bugs") leave a lot of, um... juice?... in their place, when squashed. Think of how big a tarantula is. Just sayin'

    I mean, I feel bad for Spidey. Seriously. I hate that far too many people keeping "pet" tarantulas give them SUCH FUCKING SMALL LIVING SPACE. It's like a dog living in a crate all its life.

    LW1: whatthefuckever, dude. LW, not you Lord Smagtastic. Maybe he's p-whipped and was brought up all his life to believe that his own manhood is a liability. Or maybe they both giggle and blush when someone uses the "S" word around them. Maybe he's in an arranged marriage and is still awkward around the house? Like i said, whatthefuckever.

    LW2: I have zero talent for keeping secrets. Even my own! No, especially my own! It's ridiculous. I'm only saying in this case, "There but for the grace of God go I." Goes double for anyone stupid enough to tell me a secret.

    LW3: I prefer reptiles (as "pets"). Well, mammals first, then reptiles, then amphibians. Fish and invertebrates can go fuck themselves.

    LW4: They all deserve each other.

    Bonus magazine insert!! the video one (fiance read her diary). Prudie's advice was good, I thought. Burn rubber, haul ass, vamonos, hit Mach 5, LEAVE THE DICK IN YOUR WAKE.

  10. Oh my god, herdthinner! I almost never watch the videos, but that one is unbe-fucking-lievable!!?! I mean, holy shit! I don't even have words for how fucked up that situation is. That woman needs to leave as soon as humanly possible. Move, change locks, change jobs, change phone numbers, obtain a license to carry (I don't normally advocate carrying guns, at all, but this case screams for it). I may need to make an addendum to my post over this shit. Holy fuck!!! And he's already in her head, pointing out that her parents' marriage is rocky while his parents' is not. It's almost already too late. Run for the hills woman! Do it yesterday!

  11. AND people need to be reminded over and over, as you've done before, that an Engagement is for that very thing: a time of preparation for marriage, BUT also for working out the bugs in the relationship. And their relationship has an infestation. Put a tent over it and GTFO.

    See? All about the Bug theme today!

  12. Herdthinner, I was just kidding about Spidey, but yes I wouldn't have a pet spider in my house.... also I don't like to see animals of all kinds (including humans) in cages. When I was a kid I fantasized taking over the circus and freeing all the animals....

    I truly empathize and identify with that "pinko/commie/tree-huggin'/"loves aminals more than humans" nutjob"

    I too am getting tired of my fellow human beings. So start really wacking them with that rolled up magazine. They sure deserve it! (present cyber company excepted of course.

  13. Ahoy, Captain!

    Mermaid once was given a tarantula. Mermaid was the sort of child who took in everyone's unwanted pets ~ those hamsters and snakes that are cute and charming until their cages have to be cleaned out. Also, I was given a lot of pets because it was presumed that me having to wash out a dozen aquariums every Saturday would keep me busy and away from boys. And it did, until I started washing them out in the front yard in my bikini top. It's amazing how many helpful boys lived in my vicinity.

    Anyhoo ~ I had heard that tarantulas hibernate, so when it curled into a little ball in the corner, I wasn't concerned. Two years later, when it hadn't woken up, I tossed it out in the garbage.

    Btw, have I ever told you how much I love it when you call me "dude"?

    The video letter was the best one this week. Now that's a REAL problem, not like these other diapered-up dillweeds. Reading a diary is one thing ~ but making a COPY? For EVIDENCE?!!! WTF?! I'm actually more appalled at the LW than the boyfriend for even entertaining staying in that relationship. Crazy has an excuse ~ there's no excuse for stupid.

    See you 'round the Lagoon, my diving buddy! xoxo

  14. My oh my! My vocabulary is bursting with new words...thank you one and all! For the words, for the laughter this fine day!

    Smaggie...Adult Card...too funny...Bulls eye!

    And the stud in 4B...loved the take that maybe the wife was watching, but what if the husband is bugged that she is watching the woman in 4B, this just gets more entertaining with each post.

    Humans are very interested in other naked human's...we simply cannot look away regardless of age nor the human condition. My neighbor began watching her newest neighbor through the fence upon being awakened in the early morning hours due to their wine and hot tub event to loud music. When I asked her if this was a young couple she, she's really old with really old flopping boobs and he's bald and old too. She then reported their parties for several weeks to come. Seems they didn't care for the note she left at their home regarding their disturbance, but they did not stop, they just got quieter. And my neighbor, I often wonder if what really bugged her was they were the same age and the new couple were having way more fun and way more sex than she was...flopping boobies or not!

    Poor thankful you aren't living with Kati or should I say dying with Kati!

    I'm stealing Diapered-up Dillweeds...just so you know...

    Thanks for a great read Smaggie...

    Happy trails everyone...

  15. Use it in good health, Debbie! And use it often! (Something tells me that shouldn't be much of a problem.)

    Your post on nudity made me remember something that I'd obviously tried to block from memory.

    I once lived on a street with a steep incline, which made my next-door neighbors downhill from me. Which meant my house was high enough to see out my kitchen window, over the fence, and into their entire backyard.

    My neighbors were a nice middle-aged couple in their late 40s - early 50s, old enough to be my parents at the time. The fact that they left early every Sunday morning and returned about 10:30 made me think they were churchgoing folks. I had a few conversations with them, in their home, about their daughter who was going through a custody dispute, and we'd do the chat and wave whenever we saw each other. For a time, until I got my own mower, the husband would cut my front lawn while he was cutting theirs. Nice people. I made them cookies and cherry and peach pies in thanks.

    One day I was doing dishes or something at the kitchen sink and I heard someone start up the mower. I looked up to see the husband out in the backyard, doing his thing.

    At first, I thought he was wearing a pair of khaki Daisy Dukes. Until he turned around and I saw his butt crack. I was mesmerized and horrified and delighted all at the same time, and only regretted that I did not have a spouse to share this with! When he turned around and started mowing in my direction, I realized that he was wearing something like a loincloth that the Native Americans wore, which was nothing more than a string around his waist with a small square of fabric covering his nether region!

    So, I'm thinking to myself, "Okay, so he wants to get a good tan with no lines." But why?

    My only possible solution was that they were nudists. And I know the two are unrelated, but I took a fancy to the notion that they were also swingers. With that in mind, it made those chat-and-waves a hell of a lot more interesting after that, I must say!

  16. Great advice as usual Smagboy. Some people just do not deserve to be adults.

    LW1 ~ I'd be much more shocked if my husband didn't look than when he does. I occasionally point out a lovely woman to him and he occasionally points out handsome men to me. After 34 years I still think he's the best-looking man I've ever seen and he still tells me I'm beautiful. It's all about attitude.

    LW 2 ~ I can keep secrets very well; have to for my job. It's not any harder in my real life.

    LW 3 ~ I love spiders. I hate flies. Therefore spiders are welcome in my home. I even get along with the black widows that are common out in the semi-wild west.

    On the other hand, we had a scorpion in a terrarium for a while and I shed absolutely no tears when it bit the dust.

    LW 4 ~ I have no patience with people who cannot deal with situations like this. Either ignore it or speak up!

  17. Greetings Mermaid! It's great to see you surfaced at the lagoon. You know how the guys get such a kick out of that. :-)

    I'm sorry to hear about your tarantula. Yepper, two years is definitely a too-long hybernation.

    So, regarding the diary, I don't agree with you that reading a diary is one thing, making copies, another. Well, okay, I do agree. They're both absolutely, 100%, completely, entirely, without a single doubt in my crusty head, out-of-bounds wrong. And troublesome. And worthy of not only instant break-up, but, and I'm serious about this, restraining order. Probably wouldn't fly on that evidence alone, but, yeah, seriously, leave this mother fucker this instant.

    As for your down-the-hill neighbors, good on ya! It's nice to see a calm and level-headed treatment of the naked human form. If only we could all be as level-headed, Prudie wouldn't be in business. ;-)

  18. Hey Debbie! I know what you mean about not being able to look away. When a woman leans over in front me, so that her blouse comes open, I don't care how old, how floppy, how anything the stuff inside is, I can't help but look. I don't leer, or take pictures. But I do look. :-) And you can bet that I'd have been looking at your friend's neighbors!

    Thanks for stopping by the lagoon and sharing the story! :-)

  19. Hey Beckaroo,

    Yepper, I'd be surprised if someone wasn't looking, too. I mean, that would get me to thinking, "What are they hiding?" ;-)

    I keep secrets for my work, too. And yes, it's not hard, but, let me tell you something, if, by some chance, I slipped up and told my SIL a secret that I was supposed to keep, I sure as hell wouldn't turn around and blame it on other people! Wowsers!

    So, at your house spiders>scorpions>flies. :-)

    Agreedon LW#4. Not hard.

    Have a great week (or what's left of it!).


  20. Howdy, Captain ~

    Okay, I'll play along. Say hi to "the crew" that's so happy to see me ~ and my flotation devices. wink wink

    Let's be clear: Reading the diary is 100% wrong (but as we've learned recently, if it didn't say "Diary" on the outside and he opened it up not knowing what it was, he could, if he is a speedy reader, digest a page before he knew what it was and what he was doing but if he didn't cease and desist AND ERASE IT FROM HIS MEMORY after the first page, as you'd say "Yepper, that's an asshat move") ~ but copying it is 100% wrong AND criminal ~ and threatening her to hold it over her head is 100% wrong AND criminal AND psychotic.

    And you know me so well by now, my diving buddy. I am always calm and level-headed when it comes to the naked human form. Especially when some of you are so damn foxylicious!!

    See you under the waves, my sweet Submariner! ;)

  21. Greetings Smag,

    What can I say about your responses to this week's batch of letters? I laughed my ass off! OMG!
    Except for the poor homeowner who had to watch a young man die in the front yard. Life's a bitch sometimes. And sometimes we have real problems that have no easy answers.
    As usual, keep up the great work.