...on Creepers, Skeeves, Painters and Pricks

 Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found Here.

Hey hidey-ho there, Shippers!  How in the hell are ya on this fine-fine December morn?  How’s life been treating you lo these many months gone by?  What are your plans for the many upcoming holidays?  Do tell!  Listen, I could go into a long explanation of what I’ve been up to over the last several months, and, too, ask you what you’ve been up to, but, fact is, we’re all here for the letters, right?  So, with that in mind, and to shake off the dust, let’s get crackin’ on ‘em, shall we?

LW#1:  Dear Prudie, I’m not going to give you a single bit of context or back story or even a single detail of my life save for these:  I’m miserable because my 58-year-old husband of (less than, but nearly) two years has just left me for my daughter of (fully) 25 years.  I now feel “heartbroken, betrayed and furious at the two people I love most.”  What do I do?  Signed, Miserable is Muskogee

Dear Ms. Miserable.  Damn!  That’s a kick in the titty, eh?  So, look, I’m not a “blame the victim” kind of guy, but, you say that your daughter is one of the two people in the world you love most.  As such, why would she ever dream of doing this?  How did things end with your first husband?  Did you leave him for someone else back when your daughter was in her formative years?  Is there some other powerful reason for your daughter to treat you with such little regard or respect?  These things don't usually just crop up out of the blue--especially with those we "love most."  If it was a passionate, short-term mistake (and those do happen) by an otherwise-loving daughter, she would have tearfully fessed up and distanced herself from Old Man Creeper.  But instead, she’s moving in with him?  And, then, there’s your 58-year-old ex (whom you love second most) shacking up with a 25-year-old girl?!  Boy, you sure do know how to pick 'em!  So, while I’m not blaming you, I do suggest that you go for counseling and tell the counselor everything you've told us (and, you know, the rest of the story, too), and try to find out why those you “love most” are such apparent duds.  Be prepared to hear, once you're done with your fainting fit, that your love of the dramatic is going to be just as much a part of what you need to overcome as the betrayed furiousness you now feel.  And, as for the new lovebirds, were I you, I'd simply wish them well.  Their fling will last only so long as you make it apparent that it bothers you, because, your daughter, having not fallen far from the tree, will quickly grow tired of your ex if she can’t get a rise out of you over the situation.

LW#2:  Dear Prudie, my FIL is a creeper.  His actions with my daughter make her (and me, and my husband, I think,) very uncomfortable.  The in-laws are rarely around, and their culture dictates that they be treated with extreme reverence when they are.  And, even though they treat me like shit, I’ve deferred to that dynamic in the past to keep the peace.  But I've determined that I won’t have my daughter at risk any more.  What can I do?  Signed, Standing Up in Scranton

Dear Standing Up.  Good for you!  Now, as Prudie says, get your husband to address not only the treatment of your daughter--have him tell them that she doesn’t like rough housing and that gramps is going to need to practice a much more hands-off approach this time--but, too, he needs to put the kibosh on his parents' poor treatment of you, too.  If he hasn’t already turned toward them when they condescend to you, eyes a full shade and a half of Hell and said, “Excuse me, but, that’s my wife, this is her house, and if I ever, ever hear her treated like that again, you will no longer be welcome here”, then he needs to be told that that’s his responsibility.  And, if he won’t do it, you should.  You should never be condescended to in your own house, nor should you ever feel the need to defer your feelings about your daughter’s safety.  Ever.  To anyone.  You are her protector, not a model for her on how best to be shit upon.

LW#3:  Dear Prudie, my girlfriend’s step father paints nudes of her.  He’s 80-something and we’re in our 30s.  He didn’t start painting her until she was in her 20s.  I’m all liberal and fine with nude paintings as a general concept, and his are very tasteful, but this arrangement skeeves me out.  Especially the frontals!  Am I a jealous prick or is something amiss here?  Signed, Heebie-jeebies in Hoboken

Dear Heebies.  You are a jealous prick who doesn’t respect his girlfriend’s judgment or her step-father's discretion.  And Prudie was way off base in her answer to you.  There.  How’s that?

LW#4:  Dear Prudie, I still have my security blanket from childhood.  I’ve tried to quit it, and have been able to put it away for months at a time, but, I always go back.  My boyfriend groans when he comes home and catches me with it and when I then try to lie and say that it was just sitting there and that “I wasn’t touching it, honest I wasn’t!”  I need help in breaking this habit.  Don’t I?  Signed, Insecure in Indianapolis

Dear Insecure.  Which habit are you asking about breaking?  Your relationship with your blankie, or your relationship with your prick boyfriend?  Listen, first off, and this is important, anyone, and I mean anyone who makes you feel like you need to lie about your blankie is not right for you.  Who the fuck is he, the blankie police?  If he thinks he needs to be with someone without a blankie, then let him.  And if that’s not you, that’s okay, too.  Might even be better!  Listen, people smoke, chew pens, have a favorite chair or hobby or other things from which they derive comfort.  You have your blankie.  If you want to break the habit for you, then that's one thing.  But if your asshole boyfriend can’t accept you for who you are, he’s the one with the insecurity issues.  Never lie about your blanket again.  It’s not necessary and it’s beneath you (although I would wash it--it sounds a little nasty by your description!).

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Well Shippers, that’s it.  How was that for being gone so long?  Okay?  Need more snark?  Less?   I hope that alls’ well with you all and that you’re having a wonderful December!  Fair winds and following seas to you all!