http://www.slate.com/id/2280118/ (01/06/2011) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found ThereHey hidey-ho, Shippers! And ahoy to you all in this new and wonderful year! How are you all? How did your New Year’s celebrations go? Did you enjoy your holidays? I sure hope so--at least more than our letter writers appear to have! I’m writing to you this week from the Fatherland (Germany). So, if I’m even more cranky than normal, you’ll know why (you know the Germans--very straightforward and cranky)! ;-) Plus, it’s tough for a Submariner to be away from his Lagoon. But, I’ll be back Home soonest and all will be well. With that in mind, and with all proper pleasantries extended, let’s get crackin’ on these letters, shall we?
LW#1: Dear Prudie, my youngest sister has been dating her current boyfriend for several months. When I asked her recently why he’d never been to any family events, she informed me that he is a convicted sex offender and that he is not allowed around children. As you may imagine, I was quite shocked by this news. My sister informs me that her boyfriend is not really guilty, that he was represented by a terrible lawyer, and that the only reason he pled guilty was to save his family from the pain of a trial (he was accused of molesting his younger sister when he was a mid-teen). However, being a lawyer, I found out that the boyfriend was actually represented by an excellent lawyer and that he pled guilty only after his abused sister attempted suicide during the trial. As a result, our family does not plan on allowing the boyfriend to any family functions. My sister says that she loves this man and that we are being un-Christian toward him. What can we do? Signed, A Liar In Our Midst
Dear Judge Lawyer Brother/Sister. You know what? I can think of several circumstances under which an excellent lawyer might end up doing a shitty job of defending someone (and thus making said someone think the lawyer is shitty) and under which a younger sister would attempt suicide mid-trial, none of which have anything to do with this man being guilty. However, I can also follow and understand your logic that he’s an unrepentant child molesting monster. And, fact is, your family, as parents and as those responsible for children, have a responsibility to said children that has nothing to do with being good or poor Christians. If she were here in front of me, I’d beat your sister silly with a rubber hose for playing such a fucked up “good Christian” card as some sort of trump to you protecting your family's children. Your sister is being un-human if she can’t see why you’re worried. Fact is, though, there’s middle ground to be had here. You can explain to your sister that you’re uncomfortable with her boyfriend being around the family’s children (and you can explain why by telling her what you've found out), but you can also allow that you’d be willing to meet him in an adults-only setting (dinner out perhaps, or at her place?) in a good faith effort to try to see in him what she does. This would show love and support for your sister without placing your family’s children at risk. Further, though, for your sister’s sake, and for yours, you need to be honest with her. She hasn’t tried to sneak him around your family without informing you of his past, so, acknowledge at least that amount of respect on her part. Good luck.
LW#2: Dear Prudie, I have a Christmas present problem. I warned my in-laws that I would not be able to buy presents up to my usual standard of monetary value due to tough financial times. I did buy presents, though, just not super-expensive ones. Well, my mother-in-law sent me a super-expensive purse as a present, but, upon receiving my present for her (a nice, but modest perfume), she became enraged, called me a “cheapskate” and a “dumb bimbo” for not knowing about her being allergic to the perfume, and then she demanded that I return the purse she'd given me! I was quite shocked by this and don’t know what to do? How should I respond to my mother-in-law’s actions? Signed, Befuddled and Bedamned
Dear Befudamned. This one is simple. Send back the purse without comment. No letter or card or even the tiniest little note. Just package the purse safely and send it back. Immediately. However, know right down to the sole of your heart that only asshole, shitbag, fucktarded bitches pull shit like your MIL just pulled, so, make sure to let your husband know that you will not be dealing with your MIL anymore. Ever. This means no talking to her, no communicating with her, no more sending or receiving any gifts from her, or anything else! Nothing. And you should 100% mean it, and be happy about it! You’re justified. But frankly, that's the easy part. What's tougher is the overall relationship. For the record, I don’t understand all of the “I”s in your letter as opposed “we”s? Why wasn’t your husband involved in the gift-giving with your in-laws (and thus the subsequent backlash)? Why hasn't he intervened on your behalf, or given back his present from your MIL? Whatever the reasons, you can now wash your hands of this old crazy bitch and know full well that you’re in the right. Sometimes it’s better to just buck up and be a better human being. This isn’t one of them, though. Not after what she did and said to you. Unless she apologizes (and not with some bauble, but really and genuinely), she should be persona non grata to you. Enjoy the newfound freedom from Crazy Town!
LW#3: Dear Prudie. Recently, a co-worker was fired even though he’s a very talented, skilled worker when it comes to the technical part of the job. The problem was that he’s very socially awkward and repeatedly failed miserably at that part of his job. He expressed disappointment at losing his job, revealing he’d lost several others prior to this one. I’m not a doctor, but I feel certain his job record is because he has Asperger’s Syndrome. Is there a way that I can suggest he consult a doctor to see? He’s a young man and could have a long and successful career if he could address his social issues. How can I suggest this? Signed, Wanting To Help
Dear Helpful. If I were in your shoes, I’d cut and paste the body of your letter, erase the beginning and end parts that are addressed specifically to Prudie, and send it to your friend via e-mail. Just say, “Look, you expressed concern about losing your job, and I want you to know that your technical skill is highly admired and recognized, but...” You can even send it anonymously via a throw away e-mail account. Or anonymously via snail mail. You don’t even have to mention Asperger’s Syndrome. You could simply mention specific “social skill issues that need addressing, like...” and suggest that they may be due to anything from general awkwardness to various medical conditions, all of which can be addressed by a trained physician and research. By not offering a specific diagnosis (especially since you are not a doctor), perhaps your former colleague will be even more apt to pursue a fix (as opposed to reading a specific suggested diagnosis from you and then clamming up because he doesn’t want/like a specific label). Don’t talk yourself out of this deed, though, as the potential good you can do far outweighs any potential negatives. And good on you for wanting to help! It seems that not many people do nowadays!
LW#4: Dear Prudie, I occasionally play very serious poker with a group of friends and acquaintances. There is a great deal of money at stake, but, we are all friends and mature adults and the evenings are always truly enjoyable. Recently, two members of the group pointed out to me that a friend that I’d suggested and introduced to the group was cheating during our most recent game. I’m not surprised by this accusation and now find myself in the position of addressing the issue. How do I proceed? Do I ask my friend for the money back that he won? How can I ask him to leave without affecting my friendship with him? Signed, You’ve Got To Know When To Fold ‘Em
Dear Sympathy for the Devil. This one is easy, too. Just tell your friend what you told Prudie. Simply say, “Joe, a couple of folks in the group have accused you of cheating last time around. They don’t want you back, and, as the one who introduced you, I was elected to tell you. I still want to be friends, though, so I hope that you remember that I’m just the messenger, but, for whatever it’s worth, you’re no longer welcome at the games.” Fact is, though, I’m curious as to why you’re okay with Joe’s cheating at a high stakes poker game? Especially after you introduced him to the group? I have to assume that you have so much discretionary income that the loss of money due to someone actually cheating, is no big deal? And, that the income is so significant that you don't value it enough to understand that you should be horrified that your “friend” would take money from people you’d introduced him to?! Where are your priorities, man? Where’s your moral outrage? Do you have a trust fund or something? But hell, if you’re truly okay with this type of behavior, can you give me a few night’s worth of your winnings? You know, just for my brilliant advice?
****
Well, Shippers, that’s it. May 2011 be your best year ever! And, as always, fair winds and following seas to you all. ‘Til next week, then...
Excellent advice as usual.
ReplyDeleteOh smagboy, your advice to LW#2, with the crazy mother in law, could not have come at a better time. I recently experienced a 1000times worse fit of craziness from my mil, concluded basically what you said--that I just don't need her in my ear anymore, buh-bye---but had the lingering guilt that maybe I should "be the bigger person." But you're right. This isn't one of those times. Thanks for the back-up.
ReplyDeleteguten morgan herr submariner! :).
ReplyDelete#1 agree to have offender over if he gets castrated; :).
#2 awesome advice!
#3 tell guy 2 just give up; :).
#4 I like this one as I have been known to play cards from time 2 time. :). I would suggest setting him w/ a cold deck and then slow rolling him w/ the winner; :).
Greetings, my little Wiener Schnitzel! The Lagoon is indeed a cold and lonely place without you ~ but I hope you're having an awesome time!
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting that you have made *rather* a point of referring to Germany as "The Fatherland", Dearest ;) ~ whereas I refer to it as The Motherland. You know, my German teacher (yes, I know, I was the idiot who didn't take Spanish in school, or French, I took German for 4 years. Because you use so much of it in SoCal! By the time I graduated in German 4 there were just 3 people in my class ~ me and two huge hulking 6'6" bootjacks who played tackle on the football team named Schmidt and Klein. Or as they preferred to be called, Schmidt und Klein. These were the guys who used to sit in back of me and read German porn under their breath to get a rise out of me (p) while the teacher was working with Germans 1-3 on the other side of the room. But I digress) Anyway, my German teacher for all 4 years, Mr. Lunt (yes rhymes with, the poor guy...) used to refer to it as Der Mutterland ~ and I don't know if you've ever read any of his works (or listened to his speeches) ~ but so did Adolph Hitler.
Fatherland, Motherland, to each his own. :) I guess we might all be guilty of a little latent sexism, eh Captain Smagtastic? Otherwise how else would you account for the fact that you immediately thought the LW#1 was a MALE attorney ~ and I automatically thought it FEMALE? ;)
Stay safe, Diving Buddy! Your Mermaid misses you ~ and I shall weep an ocean's worth of tears, prostrate upon the shore until your return! Okay, maybe I won't be weeping, but I will be laying out working on my tan and... *sometimes the sun makes my eyes water* is all.
See you on the other side of the Lagoon! :*
Even castrated molester can molest children. Just because it isn't with the offender's Willie doesn't mean it wouldn't be traumatic for the child.
ReplyDeleteMermaid - I am with you on the thinking that LW1 is a momma, not a daddy! Also, I bet your German comes in WAY handier than my 7 years of French. All I retained was how to swear (always useful and in French it does sound prettier!), how to ask to go to the bathroom, and to order things made of potatoes!
ReplyDeleteBut I digress... I am wondering if anyone else wonders why anytime a LW has some kooky exchange with a parent or in-law Prudie immediately calls the parent "ederly" and her first comment is they might have an 'illness'. What if the couple in LW2's dilemma is in their 20's, it stands to reason her MIL might only be in her 40's. And I'm certainly not saying people in their 40's can't develop mental 'illnesses' ...I'm just saying I'm tired of the same old response and assuming the offender is "elderly". Maybe the MIL is just a bitchy snob and this Christmas her true colors flew? I liked The Captains advice!
I just had to vent that. Til next week... Salut :)
There's no evidence that it's effective cheating. Theoretically it might be more fun to outwit a cheater than to expose him.
ReplyDeleteI'm depressed over my page being eaten by a lost connection, and having to post a speedy recap in place of what had spread oven seven hours.
You seem to downplay LW3's highly irritating hand-wringing. It might be one thing for someone to pass out an unsolicited diagnosis to someone from out of nowhere as if it were a hand-knitted pair of socks, but here CW3 has come so near to asking as makes almost no difference. And yet there sits LW3 with the hand-wringing and worrying that Noone Might Ever Tell Him and Wouldn't It Be Tragic? I can appreciate not wanting to whack someone with basically decent instincts and intentions, but my patience is sorely tried.
Ahoy, Cheryl! And thank you! :-)
ReplyDeleteGreetings Anonymous! And ahoy to you!
ReplyDeleteWhile I write this column for mass consumption, please know that it's not meant as serious advice for real-life problems! I say this because I frequently advise LWs to use rubber hoses against those who've slighted them, etc. And, if actually followed, I'm afraid that my advise might cause more harm than good.
And, while I will 100% support you in saying that, if your situation is even more egregious than the one outlined in Letter #1, you have every right, morally and ethically, to cut all ties (and this is often the only choice--some people really are toxic, and, sadly, sometimes they share our blood), I would offer that you should only proceed with this tactic if you're certain that you're done being shit on. Because this path should only be walked when you're absolutely convinced that you're in the right so that you can stand tall as needed when confronted over your decision (even against your own relatives who'd encourage you to make peace for the sake of "unity", which, of course, is bullshit, because, if that was so, why not confront the source of the discord?).
Much good luck to you! :-)
Ahoy, asking for a "friend"! Listen, I know that you were trying to communicate with me regarding LW#4, but the words you used, though familiar, made no sense to me! I'm lost! Cold deck? Rolling him with the winner? Remind me never to play cards with you! ;-)
ReplyDeleteMuch good cheer, Mate! :-)
Ahoy, meine Liebe Bissen, MM! ;-)
ReplyDeleteRight up front, I want to say that if your prostate is on the Lagoon's shores, you need to tuck that thing back in! That could cause a serious infection leaving it out there like that! Plus, it'd burn in, like, no time! Especially if you're crying on it (although, you're tears might be curative, so, who knows?!). ;-)
Now, that out of the way, I must address your very observant notice of my use of the term "fatherland" and your naughty charge of sexism because of it! Oh my, you didn't really go there, did you?! In all honesty, I use the term only because it's the common use among the German people (I use "motherland" when referring to England the US, for example). Note the German national anthem "Das Lied der Deutschen" (more commonly known as "Deutschland über Alles!"). And even though it's a very old song, it's still in use today. It very specifically evokes the fatherland with great pride and love (but humbly, though, of course, because the Germans are nothing if not humble regarding the fatherland!). ;-) So, I'll give you a point for catching my smart-ass-ness, but, I'll argue that I was simply following the old wisdom of "when in Rome...". ;-)
However, I'll take back half of that point in this, the snarky part of my response (hey, don't be hatin', I have to do it!), which I'll aim squarely at your German teacher! "Der Mutterland" is incorrect regardless of how Germany is properly referred to, because "Der" is masculine and Mutter is, well, not. And, "land" is the operative portion of the word, anyway (which gets a "das" in German). Now, I realize some German women are pretty tough and muscle-y and stern (like Frau Blücher in "Young Frankenstein"), but your German teacher is just plain mean to refer to them in the masculine! So, who's the sexist now?! You should go to your teacher and demand your money back and tell him you're going to spend said money visiting the "das Mutterland". ;-)
But, for the sake of never being called sexist again, and because I worship the water you swim in, from now on I'll try to always refer to her as das Mutterland instead of das Vaterland. ;-) Fair?
Much good cheer, MM. And happy good wishes for a wonderful new year! Here's hoping it's the best ever! :-*
clhriker, I'm not sure of the LW's gender. That's why I didn't specifically address it! So you and MM can debate it all you want. I'm above such discussion. ;-) Okay, okay, fine, I changed my response so as to not assume a male LW. But that's my prerogative, yes? ;-)
ReplyDeleteI do agree with you, 100%, that there's no reason, at all, to think the MIL is "elderly" or even "old". I'm with you in thinking she's probably not. But, I *do* think the MIL has been hit with a nasty case of the bitch. Just sayin'. ;-)
Much good cheer, clhriker! :-)
Ahoy, hrumpole! And greetings! :-)
ReplyDeleteI only assumed quasi-successful cheating because the LW asked Prudie if it was acceptable to ask for the money the cheating friend won from the two who'd caught him. You're correct, though, that if the attempt was sloppy enough to be caught, it may be easily manipulatable! And great fun could be had by all! ;-)
You make a great point about the hand-ringing of LW#3. S/he should just come on out with it already! My initial thought was exactly as you suggested--that the fired gentleman is practically begging for an explanation.
I'm sorry to hear about your entry, hrumpole. :-( Much good cheer to you, and a wonderful 2011! :-)
LOL, Smag, U give a simple country boy way 2 much credit - never have played cards in my life but I will give it a try! here's a good hustle line "u mean play poker like the guys on ESPN?" :).
ReplyDeleteGutten Tag Captain Smag!
ReplyDeleteI hope you're enjoying those wiener schnitzel, and the pastries.... hmmmm
I would give the sex offender a break because it happened in his mid teens (around age 14?) and his sister didn't seem to be a baby (since she was able to attempt suicide) so it's possible that he's not attracted to little kids and that he has changed (don't sex offenders come out of prison with a grade of some sort so some info could be gathered from that? And shoudn't he have been in juvies and not in an adult prison? Perhaps he was older than his mid-teens?)
So as per you advice, I would try to get acquainted in an adult only venue. However I can't imagine that he would be able to suddenly molest a kid at a family gathering. Molesters usually build a relationship with the child so I sure wouldn't let him pick my kids up at school, or babysit them, or take them to the zoo.... But I would consider the possibility that he has grown up and changed (after doing a bit more investigating).
Hi smag--"Anonymous" here--Please rest assured that I did not run around making declarations of cutting anyone off. And that the toxicity was quite a bit worse than being called a dumb bimbo with bad taste in perfume. And that it was not, by far, the first time. I am not doing anything dramatic--I'm just not doing Anything in her direction at all.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good snark. Love it.
Oh, you brush off my endearments, you tough old salt ~ but I know you cry during "Babe" ~ and not just at the end, either! ;)
ReplyDeleteClearly ~ hold on, are you braced for your smackdown? okay good ~ my tangenting made me cut off the whole point of my post which should have included the caveat "Although I understand "The Fatherland" is the generally accepted term..." and then went on to finish with my explanation for why I use the term "Motherland".
No, Smag, I understand why you use Fatherland, as most people do ~ that's not what resulted in the charges of sexism being leveled against you, o clever one! Which you have completely sidestepped, as smoothly as an MJ moonwalk, I might add! No ~ it was because your immediate inclination was that the lawyer was a MAN. Eggo, you are saying women can't be lawyers, and should not even go to college, and they are smelly. And I'm afraid I just can't stand for that kind of talk, Diving Buddy. It's just not right!
And as for Das and Der ~ you take that back about Mr. Lunt! He drove a station wagon and brought his lunch in a paper bag every day ~ that man was a SAINT! But seriously, that's my bad, all on me ~ I haven't been *ahem* lucky enough to get over to Germany to practice like SOME PEOPLE have. *I'm just saying* ;)
From beneath the orange glow blanketing the Lagoon... fair winds and following seas, mein Kapitan!
Ahoy, Kati. I think that it's entirely possible. I don't know anything about the time frame or the age of the age of the sister (mainly because can't say how long after it occurred it took for this issue to be tried in court). But, what I can say is that it is certainly okay to get the boyfriend's side of the story, firsthand, at an adults-only gathering.
ReplyDeleteAs for molestation and the amount of time it takes, I am completely ignorant of the facts or methods, so, personally, I'd always err on the side of caution.
Much good cheer, Kati, and a happy 2011! :-)
Greetings, Anonymous. Great news! Well, not great news in that you're having to deal with this crud, but, great news in that you're making an eyes-wide-open decision. Good luck! :-)
ReplyDeleteOkay, MM, first off, crying at the end of "Babe" doesn't make one less of a tough old salt! I mean, just because I manage to get something in my eyes during that movie, every time I watch it, doesn't say anything about my toughness or my saltiness! I cry at the end of "Jackie Brown", too! Er, I meant, get stuff in my eyes...
ReplyDeleteBut, as to your *updated* charge of sexism (nice tactic, by the way), I will only say that, yes, my initial inclination was that the LW was a man. But that had nothing to do with the LW being a lawyer?! Wow, that's a rather sexist charge of *you*, MM, to assume that my assumptions were lawyer-based! Women can be lawyers! I have no issue with that fact.
In truth, I made my initial gender assumptions based on how logically the letter was written. Math is hard for women, and logic even more difficult for them. I think it's a vagina thing. I simply noted the excellent logic demonstrated in the letter, and, ergo Eggo Pocono, assumed the LW to be a man. Penis power for the win! ;-) See how logically I just was? Well, okay, probably not, beholden to your vagina, but still... ;-)
Much good cheer, Diving Buddy. Ball's in your court... ;-)
Well, Captain, you won't beholden on to my vagina for long if you keep up that kind of talk! nyuk nyuk nyuk! :D
ReplyDeletebtw, when I took Logic I got an A. What did you get when you took Logic, hon? ;) So if math is hard for women, and logic even more difficult, and I got an A in it ~ I must be even more super amazing than I thought! How come your superior penis-powered logic didn't alert you to this possibility ~ that the LW is a super amazing WOMAN ATTORNEY? Is your penis power not working, Diving Buddy? :0
*you've been served, cold dusted, hot dog with mustard* :*
MM, Diving Buddy, I didn't realize you even had a vagina? I thought that mermaids were asexually reproduced through the power of logical thinking? ;-)
ReplyDeleteAs for the hot dog, don't forget the mayonnaise! ;-)
That will do, Smag. That will do.
ReplyDeleteMermaid, not only did I take German in high school, but then KEPT ON GOING IN COLLEGE. Well, for a year, anyway. And yet, now, could not keep up a conversation if a gun were at my head. My stock answer when people ask if I know any German is, "Nur ein Bisschen. Nicht genug, eine Konversation zu machen."
nondeutschers: "Only a little bit. Not enough to make a conversation."
And then my oldest friend, after already making herself fluent in Spanish, had to go and marry a German guy whose parents also live here, and then had 4 kids, so her whole ferschlugginer family, now including my friend, is fluent in it! {{sigh}} Which means that I've decided to learn the words to "Seit Bereit," aka "Be Prepared" from The Lion King. Scar's song. What? It was the best song in the whole movie, and the German version is just as cool!!
And don't think I can't sing in a baritone! But I'm not made out of tar and nicotine like Jeremy Irons is, so I can't muster up that grizzled, smokey voice that he has.
Clearly I just can't get into this week's letters. I hadn't even read the original ones until today! Smag's answers are, of course, very... er, get-into-able. Yes. So I'll be like asking for a "friend" and give one or two-liners:
LW1 - Keep away from children
LW2 - Keep away from adult children
LW3 - Show him pictures of Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, and say, "This is you."
LW4 - I don't even know HOW to cheat at poker. Seriously. No clue.
Solitaire, though...
Point of order on #1: You said the sister was upfront about his being a convicted sex offender. However, she was only forthcoming with that information AFTER the famly asked why she didn't bring him around for them to meet.
ReplyDelete#4 - When you go to a doctor with your condition already diagnosed or even to a mechanic with the problem your car has already diagnosed, they often treat/repair for that when often, something else is the more important problem. It's far better to go in with a list of symtoms rather than a self-diagnosis. There have been people who went to emergency rooms complaining of "food poisoning" who ended up dying from far more serious but easily treatable conditions.
This guy could have Aspergers or he could have one or more of an entire DSM-IV-TR of conditions. Let the doctors guess which, if you send him to one.
Argh! My post failed when I submitted!!!!
ReplyDeleteKati: The man was "mid teen" when it happened. Probably 15 or 16, possibly 17. Tried as an adult, at least 18, possibly 20s or even older. The sister, even if she was 5 when it happened and 7 at the trial, would have been old enough to attempt suicide. Kids that age can and do try it, sometimes successfully. (A relative tried at that age and succeeded years later.) Psychologists do (or did, years ago) state that these kids understand the finality and that they won't hop back up like a cartoon character falling off a cliff.
Ahoy, herdThinner! How are you? I have to say, the first two sentences of your post nearly brought me to tears. "Nearly", I said! :-)
ReplyDeleteI hope all's well with you? Much good cheer! :-)
Ahoy, CoolOne!
ReplyDeleteYou're correct about LW#1. However, she didn't bring him around. In other words, she didn't try to bring him around the kids and "pass" him off as a non-convict. And, when asked, she apparently immediately spilled the beans. One gets the impression it was the first asking.
The alternative, I suppose, is that, not asked the question in the interim, she would have waited a year (or however long is left on his probation) until he could be around kids without specific permission, and then try to pass him off? My guess, because she so readily admitted the truth, is that she didn't bring him around simply because he wasn't allowed to go around kids. I'm not defending him, just saying that there's nothing yet (at least stated in the letter) that absolutely indicates any bit of conspiracy to hide the truth.
So, I vote for meeting the guy and hearing him out. If he's a shitbag, then, no problem. He's shunned. But, if he's not, that's worth knowing, too, for the sister's sake.
As for the potential DSM-IV-TR patient, agreed entirely. That's 95% why I said not to offer a diagnosis. I should have been more specific as to all of the whys, though. Good stuff! :-)
Much good cheer, CoolOne! :-)