From a Submariner's Perspective is a weekly column, written in response to the letters sent in to advice columnist "Prudie" at Each week, The Submariner responds to the letter writers in a way that author, Emily Yoffe, probably can't (but perhaps would like to...). Each entry is headed with a link to the orginal questions and Yoffe's answers. Enjoy!

Also, if you have questions that you'd like answered by The Submariner, or anyone here at "The Fly", just write to me at and I'll forward to the appropriate party/parties for an answer (or you can write to them directly via the e-mail addresses on their pages)! Once the answers are published, I'll drop you a note letting you know.

Friday, August 20, 2010

...on Family Fears, Fuck-ups and Frothy Loins (not necessarily in that order) (8/19/10) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I have to admit, Shippers, it’s a woeful day for your ol’ Smaggie. I had a dental appointment earlier. And shippers, in my fourth decade of life, after a great deal of smartass bragging on this silly subject over the years, I’ve finally gotten...a cavity. Now, don’t make fun of me! It really pisses me off! I was proud of the fact that I’d never had one. I mean, that might sound like a silly thing to have been proud of, but, I was. No more. So, next time I go in (in six months or so), they’ll fix me up. Oh well. Such is life, eh? But, enough of my pitiful whining. We’ve got letters! So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie. When I was a kid, just six years old, I accused a man of cornering me in a bathroom. It was a lie, told on the spur of the moment, as I didn’t want to go home with my dad, an abusive, alcoholic man who’d taught me early in life that cornering a child in the bathroom is bad. As a result, this man that I accused (likely somewhat mentally handicapped, I now realize as an adult) is perhaps labeled a sex offender--or worse. I’m living with unbearable guilt over this, and afraid that I may even go to jail over it if I admit it. What can I do? Signed, Cornered In a Bathroom of Lies

Dear Cornered. What a shitty set of cards you were dealt. Listen, there are a lot of unaddressed skeletons in your closet. And this one may not be the first one that can be hauled out, but it can be the goal. What I mean is that you may have to talk with your dad first. You may have to explain to him how he made you feel as a child. You may have to tell him what happened and see if he can help you find out what happened with this man in order to make progress. And then, you’ll have to verify it yourself--his take won’t necessarily be reliable. For you sake, and for the sake of this man, you need to find out what happened. Your father may not be able to help, but he’s complicit and you need to address the issue with him, too. There are all sorts of people who can help you, and you’re more than intelligent enough to figure out who they are. As for potential jail time, though I’m not lawyer, I have to believe that’s not even a consideration. You were six. You’re just now at a point in your life where you can deal with this information and, as such, you’re trying. Sometimes people do the best they can with what they’ve been dealt. But you can call the betting. You can get some better cards. You just have to take a deep breath, look around the table and do it. Now come on. Belly up and make this right. Someone’s counting on you and one day, when you look in the mirror, you’ll know who...

LW#2: Dear Prudie. I like people to think that I’m successful. I like people to think that I’ve got it together. But, fact is, my family (and one family member in particular) have ridiculed me all my life. I’m intimidated by them all, but by this one woman in particular. The abuse is so acute from her that I’ve had to limit our contact to the barest minimum. Well, recently I found out that she’s applying for a job with my company (her last job is on the rocks because she’s so mean--something that happens frequently in her work life). Prudie, if hired, she would put my job in jeopardy. And I love my job! And fact is, I’m senior enough that a gentle whisper from me to the right person would put the kibosh on her application. What should I do? Signed, Pissing My Diapers

Dear Pissing. You’re successful in your job, eh? Senior enough that you could put the kibosh on the hiring of a known office cancer, yet you’re conflicted about what to do? I’d suggest that you’re neither very senior nor very successful if you don’t know what you have to do. You don’t have to mention anything personal. Matter of fact, you should not! What you should do, though, is make sure that the hiring official is aware of the woefully dismal track record that “the applicant” has in keeping her jobs. What you should do is recognize that, regardless of what happens, you know your job and are well-liked and respected at work--you do know your job and you are well-liked and respected at work, aren’t you, Pissing? Or should I doubt your story? Because, frankly, anyone as senior and successful as you claim to be shouldn’t have any problem with this situation if they remember to keep their personal and professional lives separated. Do that and the solution is painfully simple.

LW#3: Dear Prudie. I have the bestest boyfriend in the whole wide world. He’s so great that from very early on, we’ve argued over my past boyfriends. He insists on details about my sex life before him. He’s very insecure and so wants details. He was a virgin before we met, and, in order to spare him any hurt feelings, I lied and said I’d only had sex with very few people before we met. I feel that lie’s okay, Prudie, because I’d had a full STD screening done and his health was not at risk. But now that lie haunts me, Prudie. What should I do? Signed, Living With an Asshole

Dear Lover of An Asshole. Your boyfriend is a Grade A, Top Shelf, Douche Bag Asshole. And you are a Chicken Shit. Anyone outside of middle school who gets all jealous and wants to fight about past partners deserves to be left right there, on the spot (provided you haven’t given them an STD, etc., which sort of gives them the right to be a little pissy...but not about your past, just your irresponsibility). Period. Saying your boyfriend is all great and excellent just cements this all for me. He’s an asshole and you’re a doormat. Either get used to being a doormat and feeling guilty about all manner of things (because it won’t end with this, trust me), or, put on some adult panties and get the fuck out. This feeling of dread that you’re experiencing? That’s not how relationships are supposed to feel.

LW#4: Dear Prudie. I’m divorced. I have a minor son. I say “minor” because I can no longer say “young” or “toddler” (but that’s a whole other issue that adds to the inappropriateness here). When my son stays with me, I have him sleep in my bed because there’s no room anywhere else. When my boyfriend’s over, though, I have my son sleep on the couch (amazing how I can find room!). My ex husband says this is wrong. I don’t think it is and need you to help me figure out how to argue with him, Prudie. Signed, I Am Right

Dear Retarded, Selfish Idiot Who Is So Not Right. Buy an inflatable mattress or a roll-away bed for your son. Buy some real bedding. That stuff costs next to nothing and can be stowed away neatly when he’s not there. I know, you might have to forego drugs or booze for a week or two to buy it, but, it’s the little things, you know? Then, when your son is there with you, set him up in a quiet place. Also, due to how small your apartment is and how little self control you obviously have, ditch the boyfriend sleep overs when your son is with you. I know, poor you. Here’s a tear for you. You might want to decide not to drink or do drugs during that time, too. You know, just for the hell of it. Dumbass.

Well, Shippers, that’s about it. I’ll be back next week on my regular schedule, regular day, regular channel . Until then, fair winds and following seas to you all!


  1. Well played, SmagBoy!

    I enjoyed your answers this week. Hope the filling process is not painful to you!

  2. asking for a &quot;friend&quot;August 20, 2010 at 12:06 PM

    Smagis Maximus,

    Sorry 2 hear about cavity/filling. We all still think U R perfect though! :). U can get a clear filling and no has 2 know - even if a future s/o asking about your past (oops, alluding 2 LW#3).

    LW#1 - I'm not good with serious letters so no comment.

    LW#2 - cap the bitch! :).

    LW#3 - use the O'Henry approach, e.g., wait for a bday or xmas coming up and buy him an awesome present (whatever he really really wants) and then while he still beaming and he asks how U afforded such a nice present, then explain that in your past U had filmed a DVDA scene with several ex-boyfriends and U got the royalty check. :).

    LW#3 bonus advice - the way 2 let him know about an STD is 2 write in blood on his bathroom vanity mirror "Welcome 2 the Club" :).

    LW#4 rebuttal from LW#4 to Smag: I suppose having minor nap in vehicle while I'm in crack den or tavern is off-limits 2? :).

  3. A cavity? ONE cavity? Oh, you poor baby! Whatever shall you do? The horror, the horror!

    You might notice a slight lack of sympathy here. I'm guessing that when you were little, the water was already fluoridated, which is why you have such brilliant teeth, you lucky bugger.

    Me? Well, I go to the dentist praying that I don't hear that fateful phrase "oh shit", which means a thousand bucks goes flinging out the window to pay for a crown...

  4. Wow Captain, that cavity must've really thrown you off today. I thought you went pretty easy on LW3 and her wonderful boyfriend! No arguments w/ todays responses...just expected a bit more snark (tho' maybe the doormat doesn't need it...but the 'perfect' BF does).

    Maybe as a woman I tend to get more annoyed w/ other women who allow themselves to be doormats...maybe I'm just feeling old and cranky today?!

    I'm w/ Messy - in my 4 decades of teeth, it's a panic every 6 months when I go to the DOOMtist (! I even had flouridated water..just inherited soft molars !

    Your probably one of those people who normally says, "I love going to the dentist...I even fall asleep in the chair!" I dislike you people like that (not too severly tho' 'cause I married one ;)

    Sorry to hear you got bad news, but good Prudie responses today in spite of your misfortune :) Have a wonderful weekend!!

  5. Hi ya, Smaggie!

    Sorry about your cavity, but just think - once it's filled & if you are very good, you may get to pick out a special prize when you're done! :)

    Good job on the letters (of course) - spot on. Although LW #4 seriously creeps me the hell out. If I were the kid's dad, I'd go for full custody & supervised visits. Because if that isn't addressed soon, that kid is going to turn into LW # 1 years from now. There is something VERY wrong with Creepy Mom's logic & rationalization. *shudder*

  6. Seoul Sister I agree completely, I found letter four very disturbing. She only has her son FOUR nights a month. Four nights and yet her main focus is still her! Nothing like letting your child know how unimportant he is to you.

    Sorry, too about your tooth Smagalicious. Enjoyed your responses as always. Definetly not the sugarcoating on your responses that gave you the cavity.

  7. Well, it's nice to know that you were never a virgin. Not to excuse BF3 per se; there's way too much we don't know. What happened to all that "vicious" jealousy? Why would guilt over the lie - not the number, the lie - pop up so long afterwards when time keeps increasing LW3's safety in that lie?

    Now I may be off here, but I think there's significant difference between having a lot of relationships, as some people do, and coming from hookup culture, as LW3 did. Do people really think that a male virgin finding a considerably experienced first partner should just be calling himself a lucky dog and thanking Providence? The picture swimming into my crystal ball is that LW3 treated the relationship like an extended hookup at first, probably remaining in frequent if not constant contact with many of his former hookups - and very likely contact of a nature which might be both okay for someone in an extended hookup and also not really appropriate for someone in a relationship. I'm not at all sure we can accept the jealousy as "vicious". Someone used to hooking up early and often might find jealousy such a foreign concept that an amount of jealousy that might strike some as reasonable for a virgin might easily seem extreme or vicious. (Or, of course, vicious could be an understatement - but weirdly LW3 ends up looking a lot better if the BF has become less jealous over time. Anyone who has kept a relationship going with Jeremy Jealous for two years while calling him wonderful and perfect doesn't deserve one's sympathy, let alone one's time required to write the response.)

    And I do say "his", though I acknowledge my imperfect understanding of the habits of young straight women. The combination of the screening and coming from a hookup lifestyle and mindset strikes me as more typically young gay male than young straight female. I'd be glad to be wrong about that. There is a perhaps less admirable motivation for my taking LW3 as male - I think that much of the undeserved sympathy some commenters are directing towards LW3 assumes and depends on LW3's being female.

    I hope I don't seem too much on my high horse. And I have probably less experience than anyone around here. But, having brought at least one young man out of the closet, I take the responsibilities of the experienced partner towards the virgin quite seriously. Not that a virgin can't be a complete pill or worse, but to some extent it only makes sense not to blame a virgin for not having learned from experience.

    And good luck on your poor tooth.

  8. herd"T"hinner confesses:

    Smagocaine, I also have a "Never" list, and this list had included "Never fainted."
    About 8 years ago I had to cross it off my list, when, 4 days after a surgery, I was at home, taking a shower, and started feeling "funky." So I got out and sat on my toilet, still naked, trying to unfunkify, and thought to myself, "I need to get to bed and lie down," and stood up. Then my mother was thumping my back with the bathroom door, calling my name, while I thought, "What fool puts linoleum on a wall?"

    As for cavities, I had to cross that off my list as a child, but I can relate to the sadness of having to cross off things after years of their being on. I'm still working on the "Never Dying" part, though. Wish me luck!

    LW1- I'll second 'asking for a "friend's" ' motion and pass. I can't do serious. I probably can't start my own blog on The Fly if I won't answer all of the DP letters, right? Not right?

    LW2 - Here's her script:
    "Scorn her! Shun her! She is an abomination before God and nature and all things good and just and kind! Erase all traces of her approaches to our land of work! Change our security system to alert authorities at the very sound of her steps and rhythm of her breathing! Send her sins down to her daughters and their daughters and their daughters' daughters' daughters!

    I say this out of love, of course, because she's family and I care about her."

    LW3 - hrumpole, bet I'm even more inexperienced than yoooooouuuuuuuu. You have no idea HOW inexperienced I am. And as such I, too, can't help but understand the virgininal lad's (I'll stick with lad), um, curiosity, but don't think those two are in a smart match, either. He's hung up (get it? hung? cuz... see... well, anyway) about his lack of experience, and she's hung up about his hangups. So they should hang it up.

    LW4 - I love these letters where the kid or kids have more class than the parents. I wonder if she takes him shopping with her at Walmart as part of their funtime. Yes, I made fun of Walmart and its clientile, because I'm feeling lazy right now, and went for the easy jab. I can't top Smagity's response, so won't try!

  9. Ahoy, Libby! Thank you for the kind wishes. :-) They're not worried about doing the filling anytime soon. It's so small at this point that in six months they intend to do an "anterior" fill, which, apparently, means it won't be seen at all? We'll see. :-)

    Good cheer! :-)

  10. Ahoy, AFA"F"! Excellent stuff! Especially both of your advices to LW#3 and to LW#4. :-)

    As for the filling, they're coming in from the back of the tooth (its the one nearer the front, next to my left upper canine). So, hopefully whatever color they use, it won't ever be seen. We'll see.

    Good cheer! :-)

  11. Well, okay, you're correct Messy. The cost of the visit was minimal and, in fact, the filling will cost less than the visit that I just had! So, I guess that I should count my lucky chickens. It is lucky chickens, right? ;-)

    Wonderful weekend to you, Messy. And much good cheer! :-)

  12. Ahoy, clhriker! I agree with you. I don't like that type of person (the BF). At all. But, in this case, as you noted, I was going after the LW. And trying to find that fine line of balance between completely destroying the LW's self esteem and motiving him/her to embrace and cultivate it. And yes, the cavity was likely throwing me off, too. :-( Plus, I'm not in my normal digs this week, which is adding to my "offness". :-) But next week, I'll try to open up a double-barrel can of whoop-ass snarkery! I don't want you to think that I've lost a step! :-)

    Good cheer, clhriker! And, as for you husband, yepper, sounds like my kind of guy. I do the same thing. ;-)

  13. Ahoy, Seoul Sister! Holy smokes! It's been a long time since you've been to visit The Lagoon! We've missed you! My apologies for not responding to you last week. As you can see above in my response to clhriker, I'm not at Home, so my schedule and routine are all whack-a-doodle. :-)

    Like with LW#3, I wanted to be hard on the mom, perhaps wake her up a little, but I didn't want to destroy her. I have a feeling that life has dealt her a few cruddy hands. Not to say that she hasn't likely exacerbated that with some epically bad choices, but, perhaps she can change. I hope so. I'm curious about how old the "minor" is? Any talk of that on The Fray? Should that matter?

    Good cheer, SS! Have a wonderful day! :-)

  14. Ahoy, mommylady! Thank you for the kind words about my non-sugar coated responses! No saccharine in them, either! :-) Please see my response to Seoul Sister. I agree with you both that it is a concern. But, too, hopefully (hopefully, hopefully) she can straighten up. Hopefully.

    Good cheer, mommylady and a wonderful weekend to you. :-)

  15. Ahoy, hrumpole, and good cheer! Actually, I agree with you completely about the LW being male. There were several turns of phrase in the letter that indicated to me that he is. Of course, the two that I concentrated on most, "hooked-up" and "full STD screening before...", are used more and more by young hetero women today, too. As such, I tried to keep it gender neutral.

    That said, I think that the significant phrase here is the one that you mention, "...he was viciously jealous about any guy I had hooked up with before him." Like you, I'd be fine if that was a phrase about the early relationship and one that had faded over time, but, unlike you, I'm not willing to pin the LW with it's lack of fading.

    Some people are jealous, possessive and controlling. The fact that the LW is consumed by guilt over an answer two years ago speaks more to me about how many times the BF has brought it up in the ensuing time, more as if it's a Scarlet A on the LW's chest than some guilt the LW is carrying.

    I remember as a freshman or sophomore in high school being jealous when my GF said she was going for a GYN appointment. I didn't want some man between her legs. But even then, I knew that feeling was wrong and didn't say a word. Not a peep. Jealousy over something occurring right now, today, outside of the current relationship, is one thing. That's jealousy-worthy if two people claim to be in a monogamous relationship. But jealously, even a little bit, over the past? In my book, that's wholly and completely unacceptable. No matter what. It's something I cannot abide and can never let it pass. If for nothing else, than for my daughter's sake. Because if I ever heard *her* say that a BF was jealous over her past, he and I would have a serious and direct talk about what is and is not appropriate. And it wouldn't be friendly.

    Perhaps *that's* inappropriate, too. :-) I suppose our exceptions to the rules help define us, yes? :-)

    Thank you for the well wishes for my tooth. Apparently it's extremely minor. They didn't even encourage me to have it treated prior to my next check up (in six months), so, I'm thinking it's fine in the grand scheme of things.

    A wonderful weekend to you, hrumpole! And much good cheer. :-)

  16. Ahoy, herd'T'hinner! And many greetings to you and yours! :-)

    I love you "never" list! And yes, the dying one is a good one to have on there. Let's continue to wish each other well on that one, shall we?

    Outstanding stuff for LW#2. And, as for taking the easy way out on LW#4, never fear. As I've said many time over as I look at the Faces of Wal-mart website, "Thank God! Another week without finding myself on that damned site!" :-) One day, though, I know that I'll be there. Comfy shorts and too worn tee-shirt. Probably on a day that I've decided to wear flip-flops because "I won't see anyone at Wal-mart..." Fortunately, though, I've made it another week without finding myself there. And I spent over an hour in the store yesterday! So, let's keep our fingers crossed! :-)

    Good cheer, "T"! :-)

  17. P.S. Herd'T'hinner! I forgot to say, regarding being published on "The Fly", we don't have any hard and fast rules. The way to go is to just write a weekly blog and mention it and link to it here (in this comment section) and in other comments that you'd normally make. People will follow the links, read your entries, and they'll say, "Dudez! You guys at The Fly just *have* to include 'T's' blog on 'The Fly'!"

    Once that happens a few times (and it will!), an official looking guy or gal in black suit will pull up in front of your house and hand you a package in a plain manila envelope. Don't open it outside! Go inside, not near any windows, open it, and follow the instructions. All will be come apparent then. :-)

    Or, more likely than that, after a few posts, you'll likely hear from our esteemed editor-in-chief, Mermaid. Although, regardless of method of contact, I'll bet she absolutely rocks a black suit! And a little black dress?! OMG, let's not even go there! ;-)

  18. Ahoy Captain, I'm viciously jealous of your virginal cavity status! So I'll be mean and tell you stories that will get the hair in your ears and nose stand straigth and tremble!

    I did learn something about the history of dentistry from my fine dentist who also taught dentistry at a major university (yes, they also include schools of dentistry, usually when they also have a medical school) ---he said that at the time I was a kid and kept on needing fillings, they could have used novocaine and they could have used the newer faster drills instead of the older slower ones that make your whole head vibrate. (the only advantage to the dentist of the older noisy ones is that it muffles their patient's screams)... And then the family dentist came down with Parkinsons but he wanted to keep the practice going till his son got out of dental school, so he kept drilling, albeit with progressively shakier hands, and I kept on screaming, albeit with progressively shakier screams.

    And then, did I already tell about my Corsican dental avatar? I was visiting Corsica where my mother and stepfather had taken up residence. As usual, I came down with a horrible toothache. I consulted my parents' friend the doctor. He told me there are two dentists in the nearby town, both in the same street one higher up and one lower down (the town is built on a mountain, of course... so you unavoidably go up or down wherever you're going...). "Don't go the wrong one," he said, "or you'll think life isn't worth living..."

    Well I went to the dentist, and while in the waiting room I heard horrible screams (as opposed to my childhood ones, which were cute!). I heard the person who had come with the patient being called in to help keep the patient down --any sane person would have ran out of the place by then but my tooth was hurting so bad it affected my brain...

    So this dentist decided to pull out the nerve from tooth in question while the nerve was ALIVE, and while pontifying about American dentists always pulling all their patients' teeth out --which distracted me a bit as I was gesturing towards my teeth which were all still there, but I soon forgot about that as the pain became so unbearable I wished I was dead. Light bulb! I then and there realized I had gone to the wrong dentist!

    Later on in life, my good dentist took me to his study group of dentists that keep up their skills and have a mentor from a dental school come and critique. He crowned almost all of my teeth, a very complicated and long process which involved changing my bite, etc etc. At each stage there were 14 dentists who came to look inside my mouth and I anonymously made it in a dentistry journal. I didn't complain, 'cause I only had to pay half price and took two years to do so without interest and by then I knew that what my dentist was doing was very difficult and few dentists could have pulled it off. No more cavities since then.... keep my toes crossed.

    So Smaggy, it's time you lost your dental virginity, but please don't hold my numerous previous dental "hook ups" against me!

  19. Smaggie, stop ~ you are making Mermaid blush! My cheeks are so pink right now! ;)

    Ahoy there, my Captain! 'Tis a pure joy to be back with you here in our lovely Lagoon! I've missed you and the crew so dreadfully! We'll have to spend a loooooong time catching up later, yes? ;)

    Herdthinner, Smag is correct. Do your blog, link it here in Smag's comments (or any poster on the Fly that you visit, hinthint) and when the accolades start pouring in, Mermaid will come pay you a call. I'll keep what I'm wearing a surprise whatya say? ~ it'll be like Mystery Date!) :) If you have any questions, you can reach me at

    I advised against dragging dad into LW#1's internal drama. You know how alcoholics are. They can't remember the good times and don't want to remember the bad. That's why I feel like the LW going to her dad would be just sowing the seeds for another unresolved issue between them.

    I'm afraid I was too subtle in my sarcasm with LW#2. If she's the honcho she says she is at work, a wink and a nod to the right person should do the trick. What's she so worried about ~ unless she's lying about the relative, and it's more a rivalry thing than a bad employee excuse.

    #3 ~ I actually sighed a little when I read this letter and thought "not again!". This was a rerun! I know the Fray has discussed "how many" and whether or not that's your SO's business. Another HPB (He's Perfect But) letter. :(

    More ruminations on the boy in L#4. Specifically about his age. I'm picturing the situation (as I do), and what I'm seeing is that the child would have to be young enough to "manipulate" for this all to be working as it is. And by this I mean ~ he spends the bulk of his time with dad, presumably in his own room, presumably in his own bed. Then he goes to mom's house, where he has to sleep with her. And I say HAS as in "must" ~ because it's clear that she only has him sleep on the couch when her boyfriend is over? Why? Because she considers the couch inappropriate for the most part, but okay if need be? That's the first (in a long string of) odd things to me. He has to sleep with her out of necessity ~ until he doesn't. Then, on some nights, he's told he's going to sleep on the couch. Okay, fair enough. Sometimes he sleeps with mom, sometimes he sleeps on the couch. So, on the nights when he's at mom's house and she suggests bedtime in her bed ~ how old do you think a child would have to be before he began to protest this and wanted "his space" and suggested "can I just sleep here on the couch?" Because I'm thinking 6 or 7, or maybe 5 if he's really articulate.

    That's why my guess is that the boy is probably 4 or under, and the dad's protests aren't so much about him sleeping with her (because that's still pretty young) it's more about having the boyfriend over and in such close proximity to his (hopefully) sleeping son. Those are my thoughts on it, anyway.

    Diving Buddy, your Mermaid is sorry for you, but I can't say I'm a bit surprised. With lips as sweet as yours, it's no wonder you finally got a cavity! :*

  20. I disagree on the relative apparently in management. If they are in the department when the relative (come on - it's your sister, right?) wiill be working, LW's likely to be consulted on the final batch of cadidates. However, if the si.. relative really can't hold a job long, she's unlikely to make the third interview, or even the first one. Finally, most companies have an annoying little line where applicants are asked to list any relatives and sometimes friends who work for the company. If somehow no one else applies and they are desperate enough for her, run into in her the hall and say, "Harriet! Mom said you had a new job, but didn't mention it was at Acme Anvil Co.!" Then, when asked, tell people you aren't close.

    I think the boy is at least 10, up to 14. Like most kids, he loves his mom. He's deathly embarassed to sleep with Mom. Maybe Dad read his journal to find this out, because the kid was afraid he wouldn't get to see Mom at all if Dad found out. He'd probably rather sleep on the couch all the time, but Mom has always had him share her bed (when the flavor of the month wasn't over), and makes him feel like he's rejecting her when he tries to refuse.

    But all this is, of course, purely my own conjecture.

  21. We could be at cross purposes here. I can think of several situations for the fight in which one would not particularly support the BF on the merits but could understand why something might upset someone inexperienced.

    I really think that ongoing nagging on the BF's part would be consistent with LW3 expressing guilt about the number. And LW3 isn't feeling guilty about the number but about the lie.

    Would someone with a background of extensive hooking-up incline to numerical guilt at all? I know too little about that sort of practice to say either way with any confidence.

    It is actually starting to depress me that I'm the only person who wishes that experienced people would feel for their inexperienced partners instead of scorning them for the inexperience and just expecting them to get with the program and not commit what they lack the inexperience to know are "unforgivable sins". I feel as if I am universally considered a complete idiot for the sentiment I mentioned on Ms Mermaid's page. Oh, well. It's not the first time.

  22. Oops - the last "inexperience" should have been "experience". It's not been a good week.

  23. herd"T"hinner drones on...

    I should probably think of a whole lotta topics to pontificate upon before starting my so-called weekly blog. The desire mostly comes from my being verbose enough to be foiled by the character limits of Facebook, and don't even start me on Twitter. I created an account after reading some "How to BRAND yourself!!" type of article, and it was all about creating accounts all ovah the net, and I'd thought, "Gosh! I could alternate between linking to my art website and posting that I want to work for Disney, in 140 or fewer characters!" Needless to say, I have zero followers on TWIT-ter.

    See? I got myself started on TWIT-ter, y'all didn't have to, yayyyyyy!

    Looking back at my first post, I realize that I was both lazy and way too tired. "Virgininal," T? Really? Stop telling people that you're a walking Spell Check. You dishonor us all!

    I forgot why I was replying.

    Oh, right! hrumpole: I'm so inexperienced that I haven't even experienced the experienced people who would scorn my inexperience and expect me to instinctively "get" what other experienced people learn from experience, but then forget that it was learned and not instinctive.

    Well, unless you count my BFF, whose libido I regard as off the charts, but because of my inexperience, may be functioning well within normal parameters. I've said stuff to her that seemed intelligent to me, until her WTF response(s) made me realize, "Oh... NOT a good question, I guess."

    So... please don't feel like the only person??? Or should I have read your post in Mermaid's Lagoon so I'd reply more informedly? But once again I'm staying up way too late just to post replies! Did I misspell anything again? Wait; don't tell me!

  24. hrumpole, wherever did you get the idea that you are "the only person who wishes that experienced people would feel for their inexperienced partners instead of scorning them for the inexperience and just expecting them to get with the program and not commit what they lack the (in)experience to know are "unforgivable sins"?

    If you would like to spearhead a campaign to institute "Be Kind To Virgins" week (month?) I am all for it! Sign me up! I do have some sympathy for virgins, you know ~ having been one myself a time or two. ;)

  25. hrumpole: As one who can count lifetime sex partners on one hand, it doesn't seem that someone who has habitually "hooked up" for brief, meaningless encounters would bother to have kept count, so any number stated would seem at best to be a guess.

    The BF's nagging is a much bigger problem than the lie. However, my own spouse used to say in regards to my own limited experience, "Start 'em out young and bring 'em up right." Or I might see it as, if they don't know, they won't miss it.

    Which brings us to a bawdy joke, the punchline of which is, "But why did you give the best one to him?"

  26. Kati, I think that you have a blog entry there in your dental experiences! Oh my! What a shame that you found the wrong dentist in Corsica. Your friend should have told you just how wrong wrong could be! Yikes!

    Interestingly, I, too, had my mouth published in a dental journal! When I was in boot camp, the dentist there noticed that the gum line was receding ever so slightly above one of my front teeth. He wanted to try a surgery that, at the time, was relatively new. He was one of the surgery's pioneers. He cut a tiny strip of skin from the roof of my mouth and grafted it onto my gum, above that tooth, such that it acted as the gum, lower, in the gum's proper place.

    It was a complete success and entirely invisible now (although, truth be known, I coudln't see what he was talking about was the problem prior to surgery), and, since I was required to have my wisdom teeth pulled as part of volunteering for submarine duty, there's more room for my teeth now, and the previously slightly protruding tooth that'd caused the gum recession in the first place is now almost entirely flush with the other teeth.

    So, seems that all's well that ends well! :-)

  27. MM, yes! A loooooong time! :-)

    As for LW#1, I agree completely.

    But, as for LW#4, I have to say that, though I trust your take on all things, and am only stating what follows as an exericse in debate (since I do accept that you're likely correct) I'm not sure that the LW would have said "minor child" as opposed to "toddler" or "infant" or even "pre-schooler", etc., unless the child was inappropriately old. I have to go with CoolOne in this case in thinking the boy is far too old to be there, but, feels emotionally guilted into acquiescing. I think the fact that the LW even feels compelled to mention age and gender is evidence of that fact! :-) But that's just me. ;-)

    Will my counter argument changes things between us? You'll still come to visit the crew, yes? Will you stay for the evening's entertainment? We're watching movies in the crew's mess. Perhaps a showing of "Sunset Boulevard", if you're supremely flirty. ;-)

    Good cheer, MM! :-)

  28. Ahoy, CoolOne. As I said to MM, agreed on the age of LW#4's son. Of course, we'll never know, so, we can insist that we're correct all we want! :-)


  29. hrumpole, I agree that we must understand and be mindful of the inexperienced! For goodness sakes, I'm not a cold hearted anti-virgin! :-) But, continued questioning (I'm basing this on the LW's guilt growing instead of waning), "viscious" jealousy, etc., speak to something different for me. I'm willing to forgive insecurities in one who's inexperienced. I'm not willing to forgive viscious jealousy in anyone.

    That said, I realize we have to do our best to glean the truth from the LW's description, and perhaps that's where we're at odds. As such, please know that I'm not arguing so much as presenting an alternative point of view. Yours is entirely valid! :-)

    Good cheer! :-)

  30. herd'T'hinner, I said "weekly", but, weekly writing is certainly not required! Just "regular" writing (even montly or less, just regular). :-) The main thing is having a few posts up such that a link from the front page will take readers to enough stuff to read to keep them coming back. You've got more than enough pontificiation in you (and I say that out of unbridled admiration!) to do it! :-) I'm looking forward to your first entry!


  31. MM! You've nailed it! "Be Kind To Virgins" week (month?)" is on! I think the two of us can be kind to any virgins who'd like to be "treated well" for the next month. ;-) Any non-virgins who wish to volunteer in case MM and I can't handle the workload are welcome, too. So, any virgins who wish to apply, please feel free to do so!

    MM, we better take our vitamins! Things are about to get busy! ;-)

  32. Okay, CoolOne, what's the question that yields the punchline, "But why did you give the best one to him?" My mind is all atwitter with the possibilities! :-)

  33. Wow Smaggy! You had to have your wisdom teeth pulled for submarine duty? Dont they need a bit of wisdom down below?

    The moral (as Hrumpole would opine) of those dental avatars is that we should have had beaks instead of teeth!

  34. Hey Kati. Yepper, they pull your wisdom teeth if you want to go submarines. Since there are no dentists aboard a submarine, and since wisdom teeth are such common problems, they do it preventively. It's okay, though, I've found that the wisdom doesn't reside in the teeth, but rather in the holes that are left behind. ;-)

  35. Kati....I am...snickering uncontrollably here.

    "Wisdom down below."

    It just sounds like a really sly double entendre to me. Or am I just filthy minded?

    The truth is out there! =-D

  36. Damn Smaggie is that smoke I smell, cuz you are on fire this week!! "Signed, Living with an Asshole"- boo-yow! I mean seriously, why not just say you stopped counting after the high school football team and leave it at that, right? Sorry about your tooth though. On that note, I had made it to age 30 and never gotten a traffic ticket until I blew through a red light last week with a po-po right behind me. Whoops!

  37. Slightly off color joke:

    Make joins the military. When he gets out, he decides to marry and marries a young virgin. On the wedding night, she takes one look as he undresses and shrieks, "What's that!" He gently explains what it's for, and tells her that he's the only person who has one.

    A few months later, he comes home and his wife is in tears. He coaxes out of her what's wrong. "You friend Dave took me to the beach, and when he put on his swim trunks, I saw that HE had one too!" "It's okay. I felt sorry that he didn't have one, and since I had two, I gave him one of mine."

    (Get ready for it.) She answers, "But why did you have to give him the best one?"

  38. herd"T"hinner steals this bawdy joke:

    The Family Guy volume 8 DVD set has this deleted scene, called "The Invention of Sex."

    A modern (yes, modern!) man and a woman are lying in bed.

    Man: "Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't I take the ugliest part of my body and put it into the ugliest part of your body?"

    Woman: "That sounds great!"

    Later, as the two of them are going at it (under the covers, of course), the woman says: "I can think of even uglier part of my body!"

    Man: "We'll try that next!"

  39. Libby, I think it could be a really sly double entendre--you know, if you're filthy-minded. ;-)

  40. Oh, JayJay! Damn, I'm sorry. And with the copper right behind you?! Damn if that ain't the luck. :-( So, I definitely send my condolences about your traffic ticket cherry. :-( But, being a glass-half-full kind of guy, I guess it's good news that no one was coming the other way! :-)

    Thanks for the kind words! Much good cheer! :-)

  41. Ah-ha, CoolOne! Got it! :-) I wonder, though, why does the protagonist have to be a veteran? ;-)


  42. Okay, 'T', I have to ask. When the woman said she could think of an even uglier part on her body, were her words somewhat garbled, you know, as if her mouth was full? ;-)

    Good cheer! :-)

  43. SMAG! "as if her mouth was full" indeed!

    *ruins the appearance of outrage by busting up laughing*

  44. What? Lots of people eat in bed! ;-)