From a Submariner's Perspective is a weekly column, written in response to the letters sent in to advice columnist "Prudie" at Each week, The Submariner responds to the letter writers in a way that author, Emily Yoffe, probably can't (but perhaps would like to...). Each entry is headed with a link to the orginal questions and Yoffe's answers. Enjoy!

Also, if you have questions that you'd like answered by The Submariner, or anyone here at "The Fly", just write to me at and I'll forward to the appropriate party/parties for an answer (or you can write to them directly via the e-mail addresses on their pages)! Once the answers are published, I'll drop you a note letting you know.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

...on Dumb Graduate Students and Dumber Adoptive Parents (12/31/09) <-- Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Mornin’ Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day, which is also the last day of the Old Year, sitting smack dab on the cusp of the New? I hope it’s been a good year for you, full of love and happiness and good and memorable times. It has been those things for me and I look forward to the coming year as one that I hope will be the best ever. Can we say the same for these letters? Probably not, because, damn do they suck! But, in the spirit of endings and beginnings, let’s give these queries a go, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, a good friend of mine and I are graduate students in a very narrow and competitive field. I’m graduating ahead of my friend and have been sending out résumés . My friend really wants a job with a particular firm that’s advertising, and she has basically forbidden me from applying there by dropping all sorts of hints about how bad a fit it’d be for me, how, if I was hired there, she’d never be able to get a job there, etc. Well, fact is, by the time she started discouraging me from applying for a job with that firm, I’d already applied. I’ve now been called in for an interview, and, in my excitement, announced that fact on Facebook. My friend is furious and won’t talk to me. What should I do? Cancel the interview? Apologize? I love it when folks with graduate degrees write in with middle school problems. It demonstrates the age-old axiom that book learning and wisdom are not the same thing. At all. I’m going to lay out some wisdom for you here and I hope it sinks in. You can show this letter to your friend, too, and hope she’s not so obsessed with her own reflection that she can divine the wisdom in it as well: if this company is advertising, that means they’re hiring. Now. It doesn’t mean that they’re hiring in a semester or two when your friend gets ready to go to work. It means now. If you don’t get the job, I promise you that someone else will. Furthermore, Ms. I’m-so-happy-I-got-an-interview-that-I-posted-on-FaceBook, there are plenty of other people applying even though you applied! I know!  Amazing how that works, isn’t it? The job market is not sorority row, sister. It’s real life. And it waits for no one. If your friend can’t get that, she’s no friend at all. And maybe that’s for the best, but, hell, at the same time, and in the spirit of being as sarcastic as I can be, if you can’t live without her friendship, why not hold off on applying for work anywhere until she graduates and gets a job? Then, once she’s settled in, make sure not to apply at any firm that competes with her new firm. Or one where your work might ever be compared to hers. Or one where any of her supervisors might ever be exposed to your work. As a matter of fact, if your friendship’s that important, I suggest you apply to graduate school in another field entirely. That ought to do it. Hopefully. But, while there, be sure not to date any men that she might one day start to like...

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my mom died recently and I’ve found that my friends are uncomfortable when I bring her up in casual conversation. They’ve really tried to be supportive, but, when I say something like, “Oh, my mom loved baking those cookies”, they get all quiet and uncomfortable. But Prudie, talking about my mom helps me deal with her death. What can I do to let them know that I don’t want a pity party when I mention my mom, but rather that I want to keep the discussion going? Well, sadly you’ve obtained some wisdom that few people your age have obtained. But, just so you know, even as one gets older, death does not become a comfortable topic of discussion (for most folks, anyway). Most people don’t know how to deal with it no matter how old and experienced they get. As Prudie suggests, your friends will take their lead from you. You need to explain to them what you’ve explained to us. They’ll figure out where to go from there. Hang in there, and good luck.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, my son just turned one year old. He’s adopted. We knew the birth mother, were close with her through the end of her pregnancy, and so have been with our son since Day One, Hour One, Moment One. On the day of his birth, the maternal grandmother, hereafter referred to as “The Worm”, made “an appearance” at the hospital and asked for our address in order to send a gift. We haven’t heard from her all year, which is really pretty fucking rude, if you ask me, but now, on his birthday, The Worm sent a wonderful handmade outfit and some money to start a college fund. I want to take The Worm’s money. My wife does not. It’s not like The Worm can claim our son. The adoption is final, so I find my wife’s objections to be unfounded. Plus, I think it’d be helpful to have limited contact with Wormy Lady so that if our son has any questions about his biological family, he can ask us and then we’ll contact the Worm Family through a lawyer and compel The Worm to give us an answer to anything our son wants to know. Any advice on how we can go forward? Aw, how sweet and fucking heartwarming your story is, you magnanimous twat. Listen here you motherfucking douche bag, perhaps you can’t imagine being in the biological mother’s shoes. Perhaps you can’t imagine being in the biological grandmother’s shoes. Perhaps you’re perfect? But, dehumanizing this woman says a hell of a lot more about you than it does about her. “Made an appearance”? Really?! “Worm their way into his life”? Wow. Just, fucking, wow. I’d suggest that you send back the money and try to kindly ask the biological grandma to invest it in a college fund herself. Explain to her that if your son wants contact once he’s an adult, he’ll come to her and that the fund will be an amazing, unexpected gift. Don’t tell your son about it, though. Then, when he reaches school age, if he looks for his biological family, the biological grandma can choose to bestow the money or not. Her choice.  But frankly, I don’t suggest that you or your wife touch this money. I don’t think you’re currently objective enough to handle the responsibility. Here’s hoping you can calm the fuck down over time and quit seeing this woman as some sort of sinister threat to your happy lives. But, until that happens, you shouldn’t be taking anything from her. Your motives are too suspect and your assholes are showing.

LW#4: Dear Prudie. I’m a 32 year old mother of a teenager. Until my current boyfriend, I haven’t seriously dated since the birth of my son. I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about a year now, though, and he is great! And not that fake kind of great that most of your letter writers write about where the letter writer says he's awesome, but, you know, then they say he’s got gay porn in his gym bag, or pees on the bathroom floor, or has naked pictures of his step-daughter, taken on her wedding day, etc.  Mine's the real kind of great, where he gets along with my son, helps around the house, dotes on me and appreciates me, plans his time around us, and is a genuinely good guy. As is always the case with these letters, though, there is a “but.” He is all of the great things that I mentioned, but, he doesn’t bring me flowers. Ever. In my fucked up fantasy world, flowers mean that a man loves me and so, since this guy doesn’t bring them to me, I am grouping him with closeted gay, floor-peeing, perverted men. I’ve tried to talk to him about this, about how he needs to bring me flowers to prove his undying love, but he hasn’t figured it out. What should I do? Well, either you’re lying about how good he is to you, or you’re the stupidest fucking idiot in the entire animal kingdom. And that’s pretty stupid considering the fact that there’s probably a whole species of worm that actually has no brain whatsoever, but that survives by absorbing cow shit through the skin for nourishment. As such, I have no patience for you. You’re stuck in some sort of emotional time warp because, what? You feel your childhood was stolen from you, so now you want to reclaim something that you missed out on? News flash for you: your life is what it is because of you. Not anyone or anything else. If you don’t want mature love, that’s fine. Cut this guy loose. You don’t deserve him. And it doesn’t sound like he deserves to be shit on by you. Maybe after you let this guy go, you’ll get lucky and find a guy who’ll bring you flowers. Good luck with that.  Idiot.

Well shippers, that’s it. The final word from 2009. I look forward to 2010 with more anticipation than ever. It’s going to be a wonderful year and who knows what fun and excitement it’ll bring?! Here’s hoping the best year ever for all of you. Remember to keep your surface to dive ratio squarely at one. Fair winds and following seas, shippers!


  1. LW 1's "friend" baffles me. Has she never heard of an employee referral program? If LW 1 hates the job, the friend will be the first to know!

    As Prudie's writers never fail to inform us, people are bananas.

  2. Smag, way to smash it out of the park, as usual! =-D
    I especially like the "..that's pretty stupid considering the fact that there's probably a whole species of worm that actually has no brain whatsoever, but that survives by absorbing cow shit through the skin for nourishment."

  3. Happy New Year Smag! Great responses, as always. Damn, if I was as stupid as LWs 1 and 4, I'd have shot myself a long time ago.

  4. Hey Persia! It's great to see you! Your points are logical and make perfect sense--to adults. ;-) As our letter and her "friend" both seem to be stuck in Middle School, I don't think they understand the logic. Maybe someday?

    Hey Libby! How are you? Well, sure, there *must* be a type of work where that's true, yes?

    Pangus! Long time no see! Happy New Year to you, too! Yepper, #1 and #4 are special, aren't they? :-)

  5. I'm good, Smaggy! How the heck are you?

  6. All is well, Libby. And I just noticed above in my sentence that I said "work" when I meant "worm". Sort of changes the sentence a bit, yeah? :-) Happy New Year to you!

  7. LOL Oh good! I thought I was just denser than usual! =-D Happy New Year!

  8. Brilliant, as usual, Smag! Even though this batch of letters wasn't particularly interesting, you did wonderful things with them.

    Happy New Year to you, Smag and the rest of us Prudie followers, commenters and dissers!


  9. Dammit! That bitch "friend" of LW1 got so many smacks on the nose from my magazine, it got shredded (the magazine. Who cares about her nose??). I've got to stop using magazines that I like and want to save. But TV Guide was too flimsy for her. What to do?

    I admit that I enjoyed DP's response as well, which had to do with the "friend" calling HR and convincing them to wait for her. I would LOVE to be able to do that to my "dream company." I don't think I'm alone here, either?!?

    LW2: well said. I still have no idea what the hell to say to people who've lost loved ones, other than "My sincerest condolensces," and I'm in my forties.

    LW3: The main difference between me and folks like him is that I KNOW that I'd be a nutjob adoptive parent, so won't let myself consider, even for a second, subjecting an innocent child to my nutjobbery.

    LW4: I don't even like flowers. Cut ones, I mean. You just watch them slowly wither and disentegrate. Family members know not to bring them near me for birthdays or the many times I've been in the hospital. Acquaintances, not knowing better, sometimes slip them in, and I must force a smile and a thanks.

    My fucked up fantasy would probably involve hand-holding, hand-kissing, and shit like that. My hands are exothermic, so it feels nice to have them warmed by someone else's normal, endothermic hands.

    Exothermic, Endothermic. Shit, I'm such a romantic!

  10. Happy New Year, Catseye! And thank you for stopping by and reading! :-)

  11. Greetings and Salutations, herdthinner. And happy New Year to you! :-)

    I'm really bummed that you ran out of magazine thwacks to doll out. But LW#1's "friend" certainly did deserve a few. So, that's a good way to leave 2009 behind. ;-)

    Regarding flowers, when living in Germany, I became very spoiled. One could go into a flower shop and buy a full, beautiful bouquet of various flowers, including gorgeous tulips, for a few Euro (around $5). And, once you got to know the shop owner, the bouquets got bigger and bigger. It was nice to have fresh flowers around all the time. Heck, even a dozen roses ran about 7 Euro ($10). So, though I understand the sentiment, the ability to cheaply replace the flowers once they started to wither, was a wonderful thing. And, as I say, it spoiled me. I can't do it here in the States. Can't afford to. But, that's okay.

    As for your hands, I understand, but find that regardless of the reaction (endo- or exo-), it's nice to feel the touch of a loved one, yes? ;-)

  12. Happy 2010 fellow time traveler's...what year are these letter writer's living in?

    LW1 must live in some time warp where school mates told you if your pencil needed sharpening, controlled your milk money and strongly suggested a better color for your nap time rug! Clueless. Who wants a friend who isn't celebrating your progress but holds you back? Kick em' to the curb!

    LW2 At least Prudie didn't say my all time, living in the past, time warped term of the ages that I have a grand distaste for...Time will cure all or It gets better over time, to those who have lost a loved one. I find by saying I am so sorry, how are you doing, to be well accepted, most of the time. Isn't our worst fear that we say something that will cause the griever to fall apart in front of our eyes? And how do you handle the response when they was about time that bastard died? Another fear of mine is I'll be asked how are you doing...and I mutter...dancing inside like there is no tomorrow. Death is filled with many pitfalls for the living.

    LW3 Fear of the unknown makes one protect what may not need protecting, isn't this when integrity and honor comes into play?

    LW4 Living in Mayberry for sure, Aunt Bea is giving advice on this one. Living in a time warp of her own making? I have every thing but flower's to show his your own flower's if you need them so much! Sheesh, stupid people abound. He's all that and the deal breaker is flower's? At what point in time did someone write standards on the perfect mate? If only I had flowers (moan, whine, snivel, moan).On Earth? The guy is probably thinking, she's really great but has an odd fixation on flower's and she can't seem to get past it, wonder how nutty she'll become?

    Happy trails to all living in 2010 on earth not 1910 on some lost planet far, far away!

  13. Ahoy, my Captain!

    I can see that I've made a dreadful mistake ~ leaving you alone for so long! Forgive me? I've come back to find you so crusty from being at sea alone that I'll fairly have to pick the barnacles from where the sun don't shine! But don't you worry, diving buddy. Your Mermaid is here and ready to make it aaaaall better. ;)

    Not much to say about LW's 1 2 & 3, is there? You dealt with them beautifully. How sublime to know I have your capable hands at my helm. But you and I both know that's not what Mermaid came here to play, is it? It's #4 I'm about this week ~ and it's the one that will set the mood for this week's salty skirmish between us deep sea dwellers. So, let's ship out. Anchors aweigh. Haul in the plank. And let's get ready to rumble.

    O Captain, my Captain. I was quite shocked and dismayed to read your response to LW#4. This isn't the sort of thing you would say to your Mermaid, is it? For example, if I told you about my Officer and a Gentleman fantasy, would you say "You're stuck in some sort of emotional 80's time warp, Mermaid, and you need to stop being, like, so immature and appreciate the mature love of never hoping to get anything you treasure unless what you treasure is nothing more than what I choose to give you"? HA! I doubt you'd say that, Captain! Not if you ever hoped to get a piece of Mermaid's tail again, you wouldn't! I hope to high seas you'd have the good sense to scoop me up in your arms (why do you think Louis Gossett Jr. made MAY0-NNAISE do all those pushups, huh? du-uh!) and carry me right out of that stinking fish factory while I donned your hat in a jaunty manner and everyone clapped and cheered (okay that last part is optional and probably overboard. get it? overboard... but still it would be pretty cool. I'm just saying. Just making convo.) *whistles nonchalantly*

    Now, I know you'll say, "But Mermaid my lovely little bit of bait, I toss you the choicest of chum every day and I always put the porthole cover down, isn't that enough for you?" and yes, it's true, Submariner, that you are more evolved than most, and a sea-girl can never get too many fish guts and a-holes to nibble, that's true also, but it's not the basics of day-to-day living we're sending up signal flags on the mast for, is it?

    My point is, you old salty dog you, every lady, from mortal to mermaid, has something that she holds dear in her romantic heart, something that sings just to her. There is no rhyme or reason for some of them, just as there is no rhyme or reason as to how some men are lured by the siren song of the sea while others are not and remain forever fixed on the land.

    It is a foolish man of any species who would not heed to his lady's desires. And who but a fool would be content to remain one step away from perfection, when that one step would be so easily taken? How sad that such a foolishly romantic lady should find herself paired with such a romantically foolish man.

    And with that, my dearest Submariner, I bow to your measured and equitable wisdom which I am sure is just on the horizon. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it! My mouth is nearly watering in anticipation! But don't give up the scrap so easily this time, please! You know how I love a good tussle. Or else Mermaid might begin to suspect that the fix may be in with you where she's concerned. ;)

    Happy New Year, my diving buddy. See you down below...

  14. Greetings Debbie! And Happy 2010 to you, too! :-) My apologies for the delayed response. I've been underway for the last couple of days and unable to communicate. But now, I'm back! :-)

    Regarding LW#2, your comforting query, "I am so sorry, how are you doing?" is quite good, and one that I've employed many times myself. But, after asking it of someone, it seems strange a second or third time. It sounds to me like this LW wants to bring up her mother in conversation (which is fine), but that her friends don't know what to say when she does. It's a tough situation. But, here's hoping from patience and understanding from her friends.

    As for LW#3, you're far more kind than I was, and I love your sentiment--and wisdom!

    As for LW#4, as you'll see from Mermaid (MM), there are two issues here. The more glaring one for most of us, at least initially, is exactly what you point out: that flowers are such a minor thing when compared to the other good this guy is offering. However, MM makes a valid point when she wonders why we should question the LW after she made perfectly clear something that desires to make her happy. After all, that's exactly what I counseled the LW of a few weeks ago (the one with the atheist BF) to do, so, I also agree with MM. Is that allowed, to separate the points and agree that both are valid? :-)

    Have a great day and week, Debbie!

  15. Greetings my beloved Diving Buddy! As you'll see from my post to Debbie, above, I agree with you 100%. I want to get that out of the way first, because it is the most important point of this response.

    But, too, I want to say that I sort of see two separate issues here. I tried to talk about it over on your blog, and you responded quite capably, but, as I've been underway, I haven't gotten back to you.

    Anyway, the two issues here. You're correct on the first. No doubt. No argument. If she's asked, he needs to respond, one way or the other. But, I think that you're being too tough on the BF regarding the second issue. Flowers are nice, but, they're awfully expensive and transitory as a frequent "I was thinking about you today" token. Would the LW be okay with wildflowers that the BF picked himself? We don't know. But, if she is, he needs to get on th stick (unless they live someplace where there are none). If she'd not be happy with hand-picked ones, our LW perhaps needs to adjust her desires. I think that it's just hard for most of us readers to get past the fact that our LW sees a problem with this guy when she lists so many other glowing characteristics. The flowers, to us, seem minor and petty comparatively.

    But, that's our own bias. And, in the end, I'll stand by the bias, but with the caveat that you're 100% correct in your observation. If the LW's made her desires clear, BF needs to respond one way or the other. He needs to let her know why he isn't getting her those flowers. And she needs to listen and determine if his excuse works or not for her.

    As always, have a wonderful day and week, Diving Buddy! :-)

  16. (LW4, again!)
    Yeah, it's all in What's Important to folks. I just read a column in the back of the Globe magazine that made me think "WTF??" but now that I'm calmed down, I can relate... in my own way. The writer of the column judges men by what they will - and mostly, won't - eat. In her mind, eating ANYthing and EVERYthing she'd cook is of Utmost Importance, no matter how 14K gold the rest of their qualities are (from what I gathered, anyway).

    I have way too many of my own "My guy is fantastic! but..." dealbreakers to list here, but the idea's similar, I suppose. Honestly? I don't know if I have a key romantic gesture that I'd demand of my hypothetical mate, because I am not a romatic person. But, similar tastes and ideas of fun are mega-important to me.

    So there ya are??

  17. Ahoy, Diving Buddy!

    I do wish I would have made clearer as you described ~ if he doesn't want to get her the flowers, he needs to explain why, and then she can decide just how important the flowers are at that point. In my rush to have it acknowledged that the "saying it's important" of anything should be enough to make your SO leap to fulfull your deepest wish ;) I did forget to make that distinction, that it's either the effort to accomodate or the explanation for denying such that I'm looking for here. All we have so far in this situation is the sound of crickets chirping...

    Holy smokes, Captain! It never occurred to me that she would be asking of him anything more than she knew he could give her. When you say "flowers are awfully expensive as a frequent "I was thinking of you today" token" (paraphrase) I thought to myself, (well, actually first I thought 'damn skippy!' but then I thought) 'well, that depends on how "frequently" she's expecting them and how much what she's expecting costs, wouldn't it?'

    I'm thinking she knows him well enough to know how much he makes, what his budget looks like. I'm thinking she knows him well enough to know if whatever she's asking for would tax him, and she wouldn't be asking for anything that would be too expensive for him. Now, if she's expecting something every week (which to me is beyond super extravagent), or big ol' $300 bouquets from some working-class Joe, then she's out of line. But I'm not picturing her requests being out of line, because I'm thinking the best of her instead of the worst and I'm assuming she's a romantic girl but a practical one also. I'm picturing her going through all the "why hasn't he?s" in her head (economics, check, allergies, check, etc.) for this man she's known a year now, and she can't see any reason for him not to be able to fulfill her request. It's perfectly right to assume there's a reason that she just doesn't know about, though, but my guess is she's gone over this with a fine tooth comb and can't figure out why he can't bring her a 7.99 bouquet a couple of times a year.

    I hope I haven't painted myself as someone who thinks that just because someone asks for something, their every whim should be indulged come hell or high water and your partner is an asshat if they don't. I can't let that go on my record. I do think that if someone you care about tells you that something is important to them, a sensitive person would either make an effort to help them obtain it (and a smart person would enjoy doing so) or be able to articulate why they can't.

    (to be continued...)

  18. (continued...)

    I get why everyone is upset. He looks like a great guy and she looks like she's going to blow it if she doesn't stop harping on the ONE thing he's not doing. I get it. And if I'd come into the arena from that gate, I'd take that tack also. That's just not the way I came in this week, and not the pony I chose to ride. And then beat to death. ;)

    The problem is, as you know, that if you play devil's advocate long enough by pointing out "hey, why are we accepting what she's saying about him being such a great guy if we can't accept what she's saying about being clear with him" then it eventually looks like you're trying to make a case that he's not such a great guy, and I never meant to do that, not to that extent. I did take issue, however, with the fact that everyone on the board thought that he was the great catch and she should stfu and not one thought that she was the great catch and he should just get her the flowers. We have to assume that she does as many nice things for him as he does for her (unless he's an idiot) so why is everyone assuming that HE is "the lucky one" in this relationship? There's an inequity there that troubles me.

    You mention the picking of wildflowers and wondering if she'd be satisfied with that ~ I know it's terribly tacky but Mermaid must tell you of the most memorable bouquet of flowers she's received so far ~ someone who I assure you is but a faint memory to her now, once showed up at her door, very late at night, reeking of petrol and clutching in his big meaty paw a large handful of flowers that were instantly recognizable as what we around here call "gas station lilies", a common plant known for its toughness and long stems, at the end of each is a white lily-like flower. To add to the charm of the bouquet was the ball of roots and dirt still trailing from it... Mermaid laughed until she cried.

    It's delightful to be back in the lagoon together, my Submariner ~ don't you agree? Have a wonderful week, and I'll see you later on the other shore.

  19. Ahoy there Captain Smag!
    I don't know where my first comment went? Did it drop to the bottom of the sea?

    As usual,there's wise advice from the submarinean realm. I particularly like your advice to all those subterranean wormy worms...

    Mermaid got me to change my mind about the flowers. She's right,that clueless dude should at least present her with a single rose... how hard could that be!

    Happy new year to the yellow submarine and all it's crew (keep singing and making lovely music...)

  20. stateoflove_N_TrustJanuary 4, 2010 at 1:16 PM

    There is a simple reason why we can accept when she says he is a great guy but might not accept that she has made it clear. She believes him to be a great guy. Anything he does, whether it is minimal or not, is apparently fine by her. This part of it is all in her head. However, her communication with him is not all in her head. She may think that she made it clear but it very well may not be. He has to actually understand her point.

    Certainly, he should get her flowers if it means that much to her. But, they should talk about. She should not be demanding flowers from him, which is what she is doing. It is probably the case that they have very different ways of showing affection, rather than simply a flower issue. She did say that it is her way of knowing that the guy is thinking about her. I say he should just text her intermittently during the day.

  21. herdthinner, I can see the point in having some specific standards, but, too, I think one should allow themselves to be flexible. I mean, it's amazing to me over the years how many people I've met and genuinely enjoyed who I would never have imagined I'd like, were I to base my standards on politics of food preferences or religion, etc. Now, certainly there are some necessary standards. Physical or mental abuse? Never. Condescension? Never. But, just about anything else? Hell, I'm game! It's amazing how many interesting people there are in the world. :-) Too, I'm obviously talking about broader relationships that just romantic, but, the idea is the same, I think, yes? :-)

  22. MM, I do agree that it's great to be back sharing the lagoon again after the holidays! I've definitely missed the friendly debate. And, as you must have been able to tell by now, I do agree with you on this subject. Too, I think that anyone who reads carefully what you have to say on the subject will immediately understand your point and not mistake you for advocating for blind acquiescence on the part of the BF. I understand what you meant and believe your points to be intelligent and valid.

    It really is a two-point discussion and there's room for more than one rigid point of view! :-) And anyone who doesn't get that is just a cotton-headed ninny muggins! So there!

  23. Ahoy, Kati, and Happy New Year to you, too! I must say that I don't know what happened to your first post, but I'm sorry that I missed it. Too, I want to mention here publicly something that you likely wouldn't do on your own, but, it must be mentioned! Kati now has a blog here on "The Fly"! It's called "Digressions" and you can find it here: Or, just check up in the top right-hand portion of my blog and you'll see a link. It's well worth the effort! I assure you. :-)

    Happy New Year, Kati! :-)

  24. stateoflove_N_Trust, I think you hit the nail on the head. They need to talk. They need to communicate. It sounds like she's tried and like he hasn't heard her, so, as you suggest, she needs to try harder. :-) If he's half the guy she says he is, he'll hear her.

    Have a great and wonderful new year! :-)

  25. Aqualad, Oh, I was referring to potentially romantic relationships. Friendship is a whole 'nother thang. My best friend and I have absolutely ZERO interests in common, other than talking a lot. Etc etc for many/most of my other friendships.

    But I should be clear that a romantic relationship would not enhance my life, so I no longer pursue that.

    Hee hee - "cotton-headed ninny muggins"

    Hee hee!

    btw, I confessed to MessyOne that I'd be like the Adoptive Mom (LW3). That is, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY KID!" towards Birth Nana (some ezaggeration, I admit). Sorry, it's how I'd be. So I'm not feelin' the love for your reply to the Adoptive Dad. Sorry!

  26. herdthinner, I'm with you on the difference between romance and friendship, but, oftentimes, those two states of being become hopelessly intertwined. And there's nothing wrong with that. ;-)

    As for LW3, see, you could certainly and legitimately feel that way! I didn't have issue with the LW or his wife feeling that way. That's fine. What I did have issue with is that the LW and his wife condescended to the bio-gramma. That was my issue. If I was not clear in that, let me now shout it from the highest mountain! :-) No free pass for being an asshole just because someone adopts a kiddo. I'm fine if they don't want anything to do with the bio-family. Happens every day, and, if that's how they feel, they should just POLITELY let the bio-family know. Easy. :-)

    See, I'm not so bad afterall, eh? ;-)

  27. Smag, you're just too sweet. Thanks for the send off....