...on Tickling, Jackass Boyfriends

http://www.slate.com/id/2233828/ (orig. 10/29/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There


Ahoy there Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this absolutely fantastic and fine, fine Prudie Day? I hope that you had a great week and that the weather wasn’t too bad for you? I’m enjoying the new lagoon here, all its visitors, old and new, and the relaxed mojo of the whole place. I do apologize for having to post a bit later in the day than what you grew accustomed to in The Fray. Working in a new lagoon sometimes forces new schedules and rules, so, we just have to do our best with what we’ve got, eh? Anyway, enough of my blubbering. On to the letters!

LW#1: Prudie, I’m ticklish. Not the kind of ticklish where I laugh, maybe pee myself, and then attack back, but rather the kind that actually feels painful, both physically and emotionally. The kind that gives me headaches after someone tickles me. The kind that is genuinely miserable. Regardless, my jackass boyfriend likes to tickle me. A lot. Even though I’ve explained to him that not only do I not like it, but that it makes me feel vulnerable and not in control of my body. He says that I must like it because I’m laughing when he does it. Further, he says I need to learn to control my mind better. Other than these tiny flaws, though, oh, wow, he’s a sweet, caring love muffin! What can I do to convince him to stop with the tickling and the jackass Zen master advice? If I were you? I’d kick him in the nuts! As hard as I possibly could. At some time that he’s completely not expecting it. Tell him that it can’t possibly hurt since all he has to do is learn to convince himself that the pain is actually pleasurable. Tell him that he might actually be able to learn to reach orgasm in this manner. Further, if I were you, I’d look up the meaning of the words “sweet” and “caring” and learn the definitions, because currently you have absolutely no clue what they mean. Oh, and in case you didn’t hear Prudie, I’d also leave this jackass.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my mom is celebrating 6 years of sobriety this month and would like to have lunch out to talk about my childhood--something she missed entirely due to living in an alcohol-induced stupor. I was put off by what seems like a cursory request (I mean, who can go over their entire childhood over lunch?!) and suggested instead that I write it down for her. Well, I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to write it down. The effort is not going to do me any good and it might even piss me off! Hell, it’s pissing me off just thinking about doing it! I’m happy for my mom’s sobriety, but, I’m not ready to tell her about my childhood. What should I do? If I were you? I’d kick her in the nuts! No, just kidding. Listen, there are two people here who need some healing (at least two) and you can’t possibly unconditionally help your mom find hers until you’ve found yours. I’m not saying you can‘t be supportive. I’m not saying that you can’t be a friend and a daughter. But anyone who could ask you to go over your childhood “over lunch” still has some issues to address with their disease. She’s minimizing your childhood because, considering she missed it all, it’s emotionally easier on her to do so. It’s easier to feel less guilty about something that can be discussed over lunch versus something real that would take, literally, months or even years to really get into. There is a lot of emotions and experiences to be hashed over there. So, until you’re healed, or a lot closer to it, this is simply a road that you can’t help your mother navigate. Tell her that. And why. She needs to hear it. And I think you need to say it, too.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I’m new to “grown-up” socializing and I want to throw a dinner party for all of the gang from grad school. My apartment is small, though, and I can’t have them and their spouses/significant others over all at once. Plus, I don’t like their spouses/significant others! How can I do an invite that will let it be known that I only want my friends to come, but not their freeloading parasite partners? If I were you? I’d kick myself in the nuts! Seriously. Dude, what the fuck is your major malfunction? You went through grad school, eh? How on god’s green Earth did you manage that feat around a handful of people who seem to like you and who didn’t kill you due to your assholism? The solution to your problem is so simple as to be (almost) a waste of electrons in typing it, but, in case you really are a complete and total dumbass and not just trying to get a rise out of me, I’ll share. Either have the party at a restaurant or some other large place that can accommodate everyone, or, invite them in more than one group, on more than one night, but with their spouses . However, you’ve already figure that out on your own, haven’t you? You’re just a selfish shit who wants your friends to come over by themselves. Fine. Invite them exactly how you want to. Put on the invitations “Grad School Buds Only! No Significant Others!” See how many people show. But hey, next time you won’t have to worry. Your “friends”, most of them anyway, won’t be taking your invitations, so this may work out just fine for your “problem”.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, we adopted our daughter when she was five. We’ve been able to allow her to meet and communicate with her birth family through a really great, wonderful therapist. Now that our daughter is 12, though, she doesn’t really want to communicate with them. We want to have a nice, peaceful, open adoption plan so that we can brag to everyone who’ll listen that my partner and I are such wonderful adoptive parents--oh, and, too, because keeping in touch with her family will be good for her. To that end, should I force the issue of calls and visits? Do I hear a two-person nut kicking coming on? Holy hot fucking hell, asshole. Are you honestly that clueless? You’ve raised your daughter for the last seven years, but have no more respect for her feelings and emotions than that? Where did that really great therapist go? Or did you drop him/her when bragging about your daughter’s emotional progress had no more effect on your friends? Your daughter is one big screaming hormone right now. She’s entering the most difficult stage of childhood and she’s going to need the ability to set boundaries for herself. And she’s going to need parents who support her in all things. She’s always had that need, but at this age, it’s absolutely essential. You can gently express your concern, but, at the same time, a few years of missing calls and visits won’t prevent a relationship later. Further, why are you more worried about what her family might think and what other people might say than what your daughter’s emotional needs are (just go on ahead and admit that’s what’s at work here and deal with it)? You can’t possibly be that ignorant? Quit treating your daughter as a pawn in your game of Yuppie Status Idol and start acting like she’s your daughter. Damn.

****
Sorry about that shippers. I had to take care of some issues there, and sometimes it’s not pretty. Anyway, with winter fast approaching, I hope that you’re all readying the hatches, checking all your seals, and ensuring that you’re ready to weather the cold. Just remember: any hull penetration is a potential leak! I know we’ll all get through it together. So, until next week, fair winds and following seas to all of ya!

...on Loving Thy Sister

http://www.slate.com/id/2233031/ (orig. 10/22/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There


Hey there shippers! How in the heck are ya?! I hope that you’ve found your way here easily and that the extra effort to arrive doesn’t take away from the enjoyment? These are calm and pleasant waters and the snark fish are very active here (have a look around at all of them!).  And that’s just the way I like it. If you like it, too, please spread the word as there’s plenty of room for us all! The water’s fine here at “The Fly”, trust me. :-) But, that aside, let’s get to the letters, shall we?

LW#1: I’m engaged to my boyfriend of four years and our wedding is scheduled for next year. Everything is peachy keen except for one thing: his relationship with his sister, which is, frankly, creepy! They giggle like schoolgirls when together, they share intimate secrets with one another, and, they actually touch one another’s feet! There’s something so not right about it all. I mean, I would never, ever, ever act that way with my brother. What can I do? Is it normal for siblings to act that way? Hot dog! I love opportunities like this to point out something very fundamental in life: you don’t have to marry the person you’re engaged to! I don’t care if the announcements have been printed, the cake has been made, and the guests are on their way to the wedding site; you don’t have to marry someone if there are issues! You don’t even have to stay with them another day! I’m not saying you should leave this guy. Far from it. But, the idea that you’ve got to suffer through something that angers you, something that doesn’t seem like it’ll change, is just silly. And yet so many people go into marriage thinking that things will magically change once the vows are spoken. I’ve got news for you, sister. They don’t. So, before you get married and have kids and invest anything else into this tragic E.A. Poe story, figure out what I’ve said about the fact that you can leave. Understand it. Digest it. Live it.

Then, absolutely talk to your boyfriend about his relationship with his sister! How hard is that? If he’s more attached to his sister than you, and unwilling to change, you can leave him. Easy as that. If you’re a bitch about his relationship with her and it’s all actually perfectly normal and you’re the one with the problems, hopefully he’ll get angry with you and send you packing. Eithere way, win-win for both of you. Or, if what’s going on is just friendly sibling affection, maybe he can explain it to you in a way that you can live with. But I doubt that because, let’s face it, you’re completely and entirely jealous of his sister, right or wrong. You’re thinking, “Why be part of a secret threesome when I can be part of a committed relationship with someone else?” So go on ahead and act on that. You’ll both be better off for it.

LW#2: I have a wonderful nude painting of myself (from the neck down) that I’d like to hang in my house. Unfortunately, I can’t stand the thought of hanging it anywhere that anyone could see it due to the inevitable questions it’d inspire. Conversely, I feel terribly about keeping such a beautiful work of art hidden away, collecting dust. What can I do? Wow, this is a tough one. Let’s see. Okay, I thought about it for all of one-tenth of one second. Hang that painting! Proudly! Listen, if you want to hang it, hang it! If you want to tell someone who it’s of, you can, that’s your choice. And do so proudly!  But, if you don’t want to (i.e. if you’re uncomfortable with telling them), have a most excellent story handy about your wonderful great-great second cousin (twice-removed), Cleopatra (tell them, “yes, that most certainly is her real name!”), and how she was painted by a friend of hers. Say in hushed tones how it was “very scandalous at the time”, but be sure to state, too, “how wonderful it is that we now live in an enlightened society that understands that things such as nudity and boobies are nothing to be ashamed of.” At all (regardless of what Alberto Gonzales thinks). Got it? Good. :-)

LW#3: I am a single mother of the bestest best 4-year-old ever! She’s so wonderful that I figured lying to her would be the best way to just cement our relationship and make her grow up with good moral fiber. I’m so ashamed of/angry at/completely over her father that I like to pretend he doesn’t exist (except for my acceptance of the monthly checks he sends). As such, when she asked about him (and, holy smokes, I just never imagined in a million years that she would, so I was, like, completely unprepared for such a crazy and off-the-wall question as who her daddy is--I mean, who’d ever ask that?!), I instinctively lied and told her that her father is dead. He’s not. Now what? Listen up, chicky doodle. This is the first in a long line of questions that you’re going to get from her that you’re uncomfortable with. And the more you lie, the more you shut down, the more you keep from her, the less she’s going to trust you, the less she’s going to come to you, the less she’s going feel like you’re a haven in a storm. Do you understand that? Kids are not stupid. She already knows that you’re wildly uncomfortable about this subject and naturally that piques her interest. She’s four, for crying out loud. Curiosity is like oxygen when you’re four. You need to steel yourself for life’s questions and promise yourself you’ll never lie to her again. You can always say, as Prudie suggested, that he lives far away because you two don’t get along any more, and that you’d like to talk about it more later. You can give her info little by little as you’re comfortable, but don’t lie. Ever. And don’t bad mouth her father. Neither practice will endear you to her in the long run. Now go hug your daughter and apologize for lying. Explain to her that we all make mistakes sometimes, even those of us old enough to be adults...

LW#4: Prudie, my 80-year-old mother-in-law is a thief! I take her on a weekly grocery shopping trip as she can no longer safely drive. As we go through the store, though, she just eats candy from the bulk bins and fruit from the produce section like it’s nothing! Like it’s her own personal smorgasbord! Of course she doesn’t pay for this snacking, and she even has the gall to accuse me of harshing her mellow by calling her out on the behavior. What should I do? Wow. At 80, she’s clearly not an adult, and, at 40 to 60-something, you’re clearly not either. How hard is this? You tell her that what she’s doing is stealing and that if she doesn’t stop it, you’re not going to take her shopping anymore. Period. Hell, if she steals enough, it’ll be a felony and you’ll be the getaway driver! Okay, just kidding on that part, but still. She’s not going to stop without you putting your foot down. And she still may not stop. But you don’t have to be a party to it. Are you worried about what your husband will say? Tell him that he can take his thieving mom shopping himself if he doesn’t like it. If he balks, so what. You’ve got the power sister, as you own the wrench in that relationship. And you know what wrench I mean. Good luck, as you’re gonna need it.

****
Well shippers, that’s about it. I can’t believe that we didn’t get any penises or diapers or masturbation in this week’s letters. How depressing is that? But, such is life. We take the good with the bad and we move on, right? I hope that you all have a wonderful week. Fair winds and following seas to you all...

...on Boinking the Professor

http://www.slate.com/id/2232269 (orig. 10/15/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There


Hey there shippers! How in the heck are ya?! I hope all’s going well in your neck of the woods and that you’re having a grand weekend! I’m going to re-address these letters because, frankly, the abbreviated column that I posted in The Fray was only meant as an appetizer for the real deal. If you’re here, that means that you followed our navigational charts and I hope to reward you for that effort with some scathing Smagsnarkery. So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’m a senior in college and, when I was younger, I had an affair with a much older professor. He’s like 30 years old or something. Well, we broke it off and he’s now my advisor and all was peachy until I recently stuck my finger up my current boyfriend’s butt during fellatio. He was pretty shocked because he thought I’d only had one boyfriend, back in high school, and he was pretty sure I hadn’t learned that move back then. He immediately asked me if I’d had any other partners! Out of fear for the ruination of my as yet non-existent career, I blurted out, “no!” Now what do I do? If I tell him the truth, I’ll lose him. How can I clear the air without full disclosure? Oh my god! You’re a senior you say? In high school? No? In college?! Holy shit. Where, some college for the extremely mentally challenged and/or legitimately brain-damaged? Good gravy, woman, why on Earth did you lie? What would have been wrong with saying, “Well, one or two over the last few years...”?

First off, let’s get on thing perfectly straight, Ms. I Wish I Was Adult Enough To Have Real Worries: you don’t have a career. Got that? You likely haven’t worked a day in your life, and you damn sure have never had to think too hard. That’s obvious! But, because you’re young, and still learning (even though you are an adult and ought to know better), I’m going to give you a break. The only thing you owe your boyfriend (any boyfriend) is to not lie to him. You certainly do not owe him full disclosure about your past sexual partners, or any other details of your past. At all! The idea that you owe a list to him (or anyone), if you don’t want to give it, is antiquated, controlling and irrelevant (with the obvious exception of STDs and, even then, you don’t owe names or details, only the fact of the disease). So, since this is weighing on you, you need to come clean and tell him you lied in the heat of the moment. Tell him you were worried he’d think badly of you. But don’t, under any circumstances, tell him any details that you don’t want to. Your past is your past. Not his. He doesn’t own you now, and certainly didn’t then (nor you, him, btw). You owe him the truth in the present, but that’s it. I remember once at age 16 chastising a girlfriend for something she did at the age of 13. That’s about the age this sort of bullshit should stop (and, for the record, it wasn’t even acceptable then). Remember that fact. Good luck, and, if you lose this guy, think of it as a lesson in why not to lie. You’re an adult now. Start acting like one.

LW#2: My wife and I have a two-year-old daughter. She’s cute as a button! She calls her grandma “Nana”. My wife’s brother and his wife have a three-year-old son who calls his other grandma “Nana”, but the in-common grandma “Grandma.” The BIL and SIL are afraid that my daughter’s use of the name “Nana” for the in-common grandma will confuse their precious little snugglebumkins. They’ve confronted us and even called on the phone and gotten quite nasty about this fact! They demand that we cause our daughter to call the in-common grandma by the name their son has chosen. What do we do? Wow. Seriously, man. Wow. What kind of motherfucking, ass-munching, butt-licking, fucked-up, backwards, shit-stained assholes are these people?! Is this letter serious? I mean, seriously serious? This has got to be a fake, right? Listen, here’s what you should do. Absolutely nothing. At all. We’re talking about a two and three-year-old here! Have your BIL and SIL never heard of different kids calling the same person by different names? As The Sage so aptly asked in her weekly offering of sagely sagery, how does this kid reconcile other kids calling his parents Aunt and Uncle Asshole when all he knows them as is Momma Asshole and Daddy Asshole? If he can handle that difference, he can surely digest the Nana/Grandma divide. Holy shit on a corn tortilla!

LW#3: My boyfriend’s dad’s new wife has told my boyfriend’s younger brother that he should not “be selfish” in his college choice like my boyfriend and their older sister were in picking expensive colleges and then working in cruddy jobs after. She indicated that it’s just not fair to my boyfriend’s dad, who has funded college for my boyfriend, his older sister, and now plans to do the same for their younger brother. My boyfriend wants to confront the gold digging wench. What should he do? Well, first off, that’s your boyfriend’s business, not yours. Why isn’t he writing in to Prudie? Or, on second thought, why isn’t he just talking to his dad and this woman? Or, on third thought, why does he even give a shit? I mean, what’s he going to say to her, “You’re wrong! We work in great jobs, you meany mean person?!” All that does is acknowledge and empower her asshattery. What ought to have happened is that the younger brother ought to have said something to dad directly and immediately, dad ought to have grown a pair and set this lady straight, and, that’d then have been that. Your boyfriend engaging this woman now only empowers her and it doesn’t sound like she needs any more empowering. In the end, little bro should go wherever dad is willing to send him, and be grateful for the ride! And your boyfriend needs to let it go. This isn’t his fight and you should both just thank god that he doesn’t have to live with this bitch. I used to have to deal with her when I was growing up and trust me, it’s no fun.

LW#4: I’m in a wedding party and went to a bachelorette party that I feel I paid too much for and, as I’m pregnant, I want that money back for my baby because otherwise I may not be able to afford diapers or formula. Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah, a whole slew of other wholly unimportant details that just demonstrate what a clueless, out-of-touch twit I am, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. What should I do? Nothing. You’re an idiot. I’m hoping that this entire letter is just due to your hormones being all wack-a-doodle because you’re pregnant or postpartum. You shouldn’t have paid for entrance to a bachelorette party in the first place if you couldn’t afford it. If you could afford it, but are now pissed about the shittyness of the party, then you just learned a valuable life lesson. Or not. That’s your choice, but, in the end, what are you going to gain from this? Your $60 back? Or, no, you’re after your dignity, aren’t you? Well, hon, you won’t get that back from the bachelorette party people. They don’t have it, either. Never did.

****
Well there you go, shippers! I’m officially all caught up! I had to dig deep into the snark reserves to do three week’s worth of letters in three days, but, I didn’t want to disappoint. This is the opening of The Fly, and I want to make it an incredible one! Please browse around and check out the other writers. You’re familiar with them all, I’m sure. Please spread the word, and, most of all, feel free to comment at any time! I love the feedback. Fair winds and following seas to you all, and see you here this coming Thursday!

...on Big Penises!

http://www.slate.com/id/2231720 (orig. 10/08/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Foud There


Hey there shippers! How in the hell are you this fine, fine Saturday Day? I realize it’s not a fine, fine Prudie Day, officially, but can’t Saturday be just as fine a Prudie Day as Thursday? And, since I’m just now getting to this set of letters, I think it’ll work just fine for us, eh? :-) So, how do you guys like our new lagoon, “The Fly”? I think it’s wonderful! Thanks again to everyone who made it possible, and thanks to you guys from coming over here and reading our stuff (please feel free to tell your friends)! But, enough of that. It’s the letters you want, right? So, with that in mind, here we go...

LW#1: Prudie, I’ve got a huge dick. No, I didn’t say that I am a huge dick; I said that I have a huge dick. Let’s not mix words here. No puns. No dick jokes. Okay? Okay. My problem is not my dick (obviously). It’s my wife. She likes to tell her friends, her acquaintances, people she meets in the checkout line, kids on the street, phone solicitors, the handyman, etc., that my dick is just huge. I’m not kidding about this! She tells everyone. And, even though I’ve asked her to stop, she says that because she’s being complimentary, she shouldn’t have to. What can I do, short of just accepting her happy over-sharing? Well, dude, it’s not your fault that you’ve hit the genetic version of Power Ball. So, I’m not going to waste your time with some excellent dick jokes because I know that you’ve heard them all already. Just like blondes have to hear every blonde joke ever told. But dude, I’ve got so many dick jokes, it’s going to be difficult to resist. But I shall.

Listen, you’ve got two choices here. First, you can act like an adult and explain to your wife that her over-sharing bothers you and that you’d appreciate her restraint on the subject. Unfortunately, you’ve already tried that route and it didn’t work. So, now you’ve got to pull out the big guns (no pun intended). Prudie’s on the right track with the nipple advice, but, after you’ve asked your wife nicely and she hasn’t stopped, you’ve got to show her how it feels. And starting in the shallow end won’t cut it. So, next time you’re around your friends and your wife is in earshot (or sitting right there), say, “Guys, you know, I’m the luckiest guy in the entire world. As you may know, I’m pretty well-endowed. I’m not bragging or anything.  It is what it is.  But, in my wife, I’ve found a woman who can take my entire member! And then some! She loves it! Listen, I’m not saying she’s loose. Or cavernous. Or that there’s an echo or anything! I’m just saying that she can take it all and wants more. What a great thing! Most girls run and hide, but she actually likes it!  All of it!” She can’t protest, either. After all, she’s all but already verified every word of this with her loose lips (again, no pun intended). I mean, you’re saying something nice about her, right? You may have to sleep on the couch for a few nights, but, I’m guessing she won’t talk about your dick any more.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my wife and I are insufferable twits. We aren’t sure how to handle our three-year-old’s tantrums about putting on his jacket, so we’ve decided to write in to the Internet Lady (that’s you) to help us. See, thing is, our son doesn’t want to wear his jacket. At all. He throws an absolute hissy about it when we try to put it on. We don’t want to give in to him, though, because then he’d have the upper hand on us! My parents think we should beat his little ass and tell him to put on the fucking jacket or else! But, my wife and I don’t want to do that, either. We will if you say, so, but we don’t want to. So, we worry. A lot. We’re thinking of putting him on Ritalin. Is there any alternative? Holy shit, if ever there was a poster case for the licensing of parents prior to child rearing, this is it. Okay, no, that’s too harsh. At least you’re asking for help. So you’re not the poster case. But, dude, wake up! Something is obviously bothering him about the jacket. It doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure out that he doesn’t want to wear it. So, don’t make him wear it. You’re smart enough to form sentences and use a computer, so, surely you’re smart enough to figure out some other clothing options without making it seem to world and him look like he got one over on you. Sigh. Prudie’s suggestion of a sweat shirt or sweater is a great start. You could even put a blanket in the car and offer him the choice of his jacket, a sweater, or the blanket. You tell him that he has to use one of the three, but that the choice is his. It ain’t rocket science, dude. Remember, you’re smarter than him for now. Or should be. Use that fact to your advantage. It doesn’t sound like it’s going to last long, so you’d better do it now while you still can.

LW#3: Prudie, my parents are broke. Worse than that, they’re in crippling debt. I like to pretend this is all about my father because he’s the one who lost his job and borrowed a bunch of money from the bank and stole money from my uncle and my mom, but, fact is, it affects both of them. Why do I only talk about my dad when I mention this?  I don't know.  Further, the only reason I even know any of this is because my mom told me, then immediately swore me to secrecy. My dad keeps giving me gifts and paying for things. I feel really bad. Especially because now I don’t even respect him anymore. What should I do? Wow, what a dysfunctional nutroll this shit is! Listen, the first thing you need to do is explain to your mom that you left middle school behind years ago and that you aren’t going to play the I’m-going-to-tell-you-this-secret-but-don’t-tell-so-and-so game. You don’t need that. At all. Second thing is, you’ve got to stop accepting things from them. Period. I don’t give a shit if they try to force gifts on you, you stop them! I quit accepting over-generous gifts from my parents at about age twenty. After that, if I needed help and they offered, I paid them back. In full. You need to adopt the attitude that you’re a functional adult and act like it. Finally, if you’re worried about their financial future, you could put money aside each month, if you can (but only if you can--you going into debt to help them doesn’t help anyone in the long run). Don’t give the money to them directly, but, keep in touch enough to know if they’re in need. If, for example, their car needs new tires, just go out and get the tires. Don’t ask. Just do it. When they protest, say, “You’ve always been so generous with me, now that I have a chance, and can, I want to return the favor.” Finally, this shit about not knowing if you can now respect your dad? Fuck off. That’s bullshit. We all make mistakes. Be big enough to understand that your dad is just a human being and recognize that he was never perfect. He, like you, was just doing the best he could. Sorry you had to learn this way that your dad’s a normal guy. That’s life. Get over it.

LW#4: Prudie, I recently broke up with my boyfriend and, though I don’t want to talk with him anymore, I just love his mom. And I want to keep in touch. Should I send her a note, asking if we can keep in touch? Is that wrong? Let’s see. Do you like her? Does she like you? Well enough that you feel you can actually talk about things like real live adults? Well enough that her absence in your life will hurt you? If so, you’re an idiot if you can’t just call her up and say, “Hey Joy, how are you?” That’s it. Easy. No mention of “I so hope we can stay in touch!” like you’re in some sort of damned chick flick. Just call. But, no mention of the son. Ever. You don’t say a word about him. You don’t ask about him. If she ever brings him up, you say, “Joy, I love you. I think you’re incredible and I love that we can be friends, but, I think it’s best we leave conversations about John out of the relationship. That way we don’t ever have to worry about motives, games, issues, etc. I hope we can do this because I really value your friendship.” I figured all of that out in about thirty seconds and I don’t even know the woman! Is being a grown up really so hard, or are you still in middle school and writing about your elementary school boyfriend? If you are in middle school, my hat’s off to you for being right on target. If you’re an adult, though, grow the fuck up and actually be an adult. I mean, really!

****
Well shippers, that’s it for another week’s worth of letters. I’m almost caught up! Woohoo! So, I’m liking this new lagoon more and more. I hope you are, too. Did you see that my diving buddy, Mermaid, has joined us? That makes the move here to our new lagoon all but complete. I hope that you’ll check back regularly and spread the word about The Fly and all the great stuff here. I have one more column to do and then I’ll be on schedule for an every-Thursday post in response to Prudie. Thanks for reading! Write in and tell me how I’m doing and offer feedback if you want things to be different (just add a comment after this post). This column is for you, so, feedback is always welcome. Fair winds and following seas to you all, shippers!

...on Dad's Love Child

http://www.slate.com/id/2229767/  (orig. 9/29/09) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There


Hey there shippers! How the hell are ya? I know this is late. I know that it’s in a new location. I know that I was gone for a couple of weeks. I apologize. I really do. But sometimes, life’s just that way. Truth is, as I was moving the submarine to patrol new waters, we lost all coms and we’re only just now surfacing in what was once The Fray. What a shame what’s happened there. But, all is not lost! Oh, far from it! Seems Schuyler and Messy and Mermaid and SeoulSister and IncogNeato and Dumb_Blonde and SpaceCadet and MistPanther have been hard at work on this wonderful new home, The Fly! My cover (hat) is off to them all, in a hardy and well-earned salute! But, lest I forget why we’re here, let’s get to these letters! I’ve got some catchin’ up to do!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my dad had an affair some years ago and a child was born as a result. My dad told broke off the affair and told my mother all about it. They worked through it and stayed married, but, they didn’t tell me or my sister about any of this. Now that our half-brother is a teenager, my dad laid this news on us. To make it worse, my dad’s been seeing this little bastard all along! And taking him on vacations and stuff! And he’s even taken the little shit to see our grandparents--with our inheritance money! My dad wants things to now be all hunky dory since he’s come clean with us (because we do have a right to judge, you know), but my sister and I are, well, pissed off. How can we tell our dad that he sucks eggs and that we don’t want to be nice to him anymore (although, we do want our inheritance)? Okay, so, let me get this straight. Your dad did what, exactly, to you and your sister? Didn’t tell you that you had a younger half-bro? Well, you two don’t seem to be tripping over yourselves to be decent big sisters, so it must not be that. Hmmm, what else? Are you pissed because he cheated on you? No, that’s what he did to your mom, not you. Hmmm? Oh! He lied to you by omission! Okay, yeah, that’s it. So, what are you going to do about it? Sure, it sucks. A little. Big fucking deal. People are getting their limbs blown off by bombs while they’re on their way to go shopping. You and sis need to grow the fuck up and recognize that you aren’t the only, or even most vulnerable, “victims” here, you self-absorbed little shits. Jesus H. Fucking Christ! Oh, and, by the way, how do you tell your dad things won’t go back to how they were? How about telling him that right about the time you two are living perfect, blame-free lives. Kay? And, too, don’t tell him ‘til your ready to not taking any money from him for a car or college or in inheritance either. Just sayin’.

LW#2: A long time ago, when I was another person, I stole $3,000 from my employer. Upon being confronted, I got a lawyer and beat the rap (though I was fired, which, in retrospect, was pretty fair I guess). Now that I’m an upstanding citizen, though, I feel really bad about this theft. What should I do? If you’d have just read your E. A. Poe when you were growing up, you’d have known this was going to happen. Crime doesn’t pay! Listen, I’m not going to slam you. What’s the point in that? All you have to do is figure out who was financially hurt by your theft. Was the money from someone’s account? Was it someone’s personal money? Is there any way to identify who you hurt? If so, draft a money order from a 7-11 or some other untraceable place and pay back the money, with, say, 7% interest per year. If the money loss didn’t hurt a person, but rather the business as a whole, find out what charity the business supports, or find a worthy charity on your own. Give them the money, yes, plus the interest (don’t get cheap now Mr. Happy Fingers!). You’ll feel better. Honest. As for the lawyering up, just pretend it was your young Kennedy phase. If you still feel guilty, run for Senate next term. Trust me, if you win and have to put up with that shit, your conscious will be clear.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, my sister is a horrible heinous bitch who abused me as we grew up. Physically, emotionally, all the time. I’m over her now. No, honest, I really am! I’ve even broken off all contact with her. But, for some reason, she wants to be buds now. My mom even went so far as to give my sister my e-mail address. Now my sister wants to get together when I got to visit my mom for the first time in years. My mom endorses this plan. If I refuse, it’ll hurt my mom. What do I do? Well, first off, you know that no matter what you say, you sister is going to be there at your mom’s place when you show, right? If you didn’t already know that, you’re a dipshit. But dipshittedness is curable. Listen, your mom is manipulating you and guilting you and treating you poorly. Perhaps not in a way as direct as your sister did, but she is doing it and you shouldn’t take it! So, you need to “get over” your mom, too. Except for real. Put on your big girl panties and tell your mom in no uncertain terms, “Mom, listen here, my sister is an abusive terrible fucking bitch! You let her shit all over me growing up. I.WILL.NOT.TAKE.IT.ANY.MORE. If you ever, and I mean ever, give her my contact info again, you will no longer have my contact info. Have I made myself perfectly, 100%, crystal clear?” You won’t say that stuff because you’re not actually over your sister like you think you are. So, what you really need is counseling. But, my method will work if you’ll just try it and mean it. Trust me. You can take out the cursing if you want, but you have to keep the attitude. That’s the important part.

LW#4: Prudie, my husband has lost a bunch of weight, is looking super hot, and has been in constant contact with an ex-girlfriend. Clearly. I mean, holy shit, it’s right there on his cell phone and on his Facebook and on the cell phone bill. He denies the contact. He says underwear gnomes are doing it all. What should I do? Um. Are you really asking? Seriously? Or are you just playing around. Because, if I were you, I’d be getting my coochie checked for visitors. Seriously. Because I guarantee you that your husband is dipping his shilalie in more than one pot. There, does that shake you out of your ridiculous stupor, you fool! Your husband’s cheating on you! Plain and simple! Holy shit! What, do you think he’s just going to up and tell you? Woman, you’ve got the proof. Right there in your fucking hands! Get a lawyer. That’s what you should do.

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Okay, shippers. How was that? Worthy of the new home or no? You can tell me. I can take it. ;-) It was a tough batch of letters, so, here’s hoping that the next batch that I missed will be more fun. I hear that one of them has to do with a giant penis?! Now, the last bit of business here in the new waters is to figure out how to lure a mermaid here to my new digs here at The Fly... I mean, what good’s a submariner without a guide? Do mermaids like fried fish? Catfish, maybe? Or, oh, what about roasted chicken on tortillas?! Send your thoughts in and let’s see what the consensus is. Until next time, shippers, fair winds and following seas to you all...