...on Anal, Pregnant, Divorced Dinner Partiers!

http://www.slate.com/id/2280953/ (01/13/2011) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I hope that wherever you are you’re happy, healthy and warm (not necessarily in that order, depending on just how cold it is where you are, but, certainly all of those wishes in some order). I was traveling yesterday, so am late to the Lagoon, but I’m sure that my incredibly capable, witty and gorgeous Diving Buddy has kept you well-entertained? Did she cook for you? If no, that’s your loss, as there’s nothing in this world that she can’t prepare given even a meager stick, an aluminum pie pan, a paper clip, and a fire! Mmm-mmm! Anyhoo, I’m back, and, even though I can’t cook, and I’m not nearly as enchanting as my Diving Buddy, I hope these answers will serve as a nice addition to your visit. So, that said, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudence, I began dating a man last summer and we’ve gotten very serious. He’s the greatest man that ever entered into a relationship with anyone, ever, and I’m the luckiest person alive! The only snag is that now, after many months, he’s told me that he really enjoys anal sex. To the point that it’s a make-or-break requirement for the relationship! We’ve tried a couple of times, but I could never get comfortable. What should I do? Just go for it and see if I can learn to deal with it, or, tell him that I’ll never enjoy it as much as he does and have it end the relationship? Signed, I Like My Friends To Come Through The Front Door

Dear Back Door Lover Hater. You answer is simple. Your “great” catch of a man has explained how important anal sex is to his happiness in a relationship. You’ve simply got to decide if he’s worth it. That’s it. Period. Provided he’s not an evil, manipulative asshole (other than over this issue), it’s honestly as simple as that. That may sound like I’m encouraging you to bite the bullet and give him the anal sex he desires. I’m not. I’m asking you to pull out a set of scales and weigh the pros and cons. Honestly weigh them. Fact is, you may come to enjoy anal sex, but, you may also come to resent the hell out of it, with each session feeling more and more like a defeat at his hands rather than like the wonderful, mutual, consensual and enjoyable act it should be. Seems to me that anyone, after so many months, who places a requirement like that on a relationship, isn’t worth it. But, that’s just me. At the same time, he’s made his position exceptionally clear, which is sort of honorable in its own way. You’ve got to make your decision and you’re the only one who can do it. If you do want to give it a try, one would hope such a “great” catch as your boyfriend supposedly is would understand your reservations and try to accommodate them by attempting to make you feel loved and comfortable and that you’re in a safe and trustworthy place. If he can’t manage that? Then your scales are broken if you choose him regarding any ultimatum he gives.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’m in my mid-20s, pregnant, and happily engaged. My future MIL is thrilled with the news of our upcoming nuptials and the future family member. So much so, in fact, that she’s offered, as a gift, to pay off my considerable student loans. My future husband supports this idea as it would take significant financial strain off of us as we head into the future. My future SILs, two women in their 40s and childless, are not so excited, however. One even accused me of getting pregnant for the financial gain! I would love to accept the money, Prudie, but don’t want to ruin what I hope will be a good and lengthy relationship with my future SILs. What should I do? Signed, Between a Financial Rock and a Family Member Hard Place

Dear Stuck. This is a nasty situation, and one that you should not be having to handle, nor even involved in, actually. This one is for your future husband to handle between his sisters and their mother. One can understand, for example, if you’d just met your husband three months ago, got pregnant, engaged and moved-in together in that time span, how the sisters might be concerned about a significant outlay of what they see as part of their future inheritance--and to an essentially-unknown person! That’s just raw human nature, frankly, and actually understandable on a base level (if not at all savory). What’s not human nature, however, is the sister actually saying anything about it, since, a) it’s not her money to give, and, b) it’s none of her fucking business! What this whole situation for you is is a harbinger. Heed it.  But, too, what’s said is said, and there’s no putting that genie back in the bottle. I would suggest that your future-husband take the following steps. Step 1, talk to the mother and sisters, together, about the concerns. Step 2, have the gift be to him, not to you, for him to use as he sees fit. You should not accept the gift from the future MIL as you don't need to be in debt to her in any way.  Step 3, agree that if no other similar gifts have ever been given to the other sisters, that you and your husband will accept an amount of inheritance less than the others by the amount of the gift now, or, that the mother should give equal-valued gifts to the sisters. If the sisters have any issues after that? You have no future relationship with them anyway, and should ignore them from here on out until they can act like adults. I realize this seems a very pragmatic and sterile way to handle this issue, which is, essentially, your future MIL’s, and only your future MIL’s business to handle. But, alas, family drama is as family drama does. Such is life. Good luck!

LW#3: Dear Prudie: My parents divorced when I was young and so I grew up living with my mother. My father remarried to a heinous, evil, conniving, jealous bitch of a woman. She made it known over the years that I was not only unwelcome in her home, but that I was a nuisance when there (they lived on another coast and I visited over the summer, etc.). Well, after high school, my father agreed to pay for my college education. Things were all set, but then my step mother called one day and said that my father had had a heart attack and that his dying wish was to see me, but that she wasn’t going to allow it.  This turned out to be a complete lie.  After that, I broke ties with that side of the family and have lived over a decade without hearing from them. Recently, my step sister and father have tried to make contact, but I’m very uncomfortable with the idea. Should I tell my father what his wife did? Should I explain myself? Signed, Shunned

Dear Shunned Daughter. You were very young at the time and so probably hadn’t learned to stand up for yourself, which perhaps explains why you didn't say something then. But you’re a full-grown adult now. You’ve got an easy decision to make. Do you want a relationship with your father or not? And, know that you don’t have to make a permanent decision! You can say to yourself, “I think I want a trial period to see if he’s worth it.” You’re allowed! If you decide yes, then you’ve got to, a) tell your father exactly what happened, and, b) tell him that he chose his wife over you back then, that you’re sure that he knew and knows what type of woman she is, and that, now that you’re an adult, you will hold him responsible for being one, too. Explain that you won’t play his wife's games, that you won’t enter into any more family drama, and that you won’t be manipulated by his wife in any way. Tell him that if he wants a relationship with you, it’ll be one that first proves that you’re not chattel to be discarded every time his wife comes up with some new story about you. Finally, tell him that the kind of threat your step mother made was more serious than you ever care to deal with again, that it wasn’t just jealous, it was mean, manipulative and shitty, and that if he doesn’t address it with her now and in the future, you won’t ever be in her presence again. And mean it.  Those should be the only conditions under which you're willing to try.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, my husband and I throw parties and dinners pretty frequently and mostly really enjoy the experience. One couple that we often invite is sort of an exception. They’re wonderful people, but, they don’t know when to go home, often staying hours past other guests, and sometimes even past midnight! What can we do? Does etiquette allow for kicking them out? What’s most strange is that the wife of this couple is an etiquette maven and gets very bent out of shape when breaches occur. How to handle this? Signed, (Mostly) Happy Partiers

Dear Hostess, you’ve got to let your expectations be known upfront, in the invitations to your parties. You can even use the suffix “-ish” after the quitting time, if you want to remain a little flexible, but, list the end time, no matter what. If your friends stay later than you want, simply say, “Jack and Jill, we’ve had a wonderful time, but, we’ve got a busy day tomorrow and need to wrap things up. We look forward to seeing you soon.” Do not, under any circumstances, explain what’s busy about your tomorrow. If Jill sees this as a social faux pas, so be it. Because you’ve made your intentions clear on your invitation, no one will give a shit what Jill thinks about it. And, if she does make too much of a big deal about it, one wonders what could be so great about having Jack and Jill over in the first place? As a caveat, however, I suspect that Jack and Jill might just feel really comfortable with you, and feel that their relationship with you is closer and more special than with other party goers, and they may believe that you actually enjoy the after-party alone time with them as much as they enjoy spending time with you. By being clear in your invitations, and then gentle but direct in your request that the party end, you allow them a graceful out and get your wish, too. Here’s hoping!

****
Well, Shippers, that’s it from this side of the Lagoon. I smell some lovely cooking from the other side, though, and, mistaken or not, I think that I actually hear someone watching an NCIS marathon over there?! Well, Shippers, sorry to be rude, but, NCIS means that this party’s over! I’m heading over to the other side! Fair winds and following seas, Shippers!

...on Sex Offenders, Gift Un-givers, Fired Colleagues, and Cheaters

http://www.slate.com/id/2280118/ (01/06/2011) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! And ahoy to you all in this new and wonderful year! How are you all? How did your New Year’s celebrations go? Did you enjoy your holidays? I sure hope so--at least more than our letter writers appear to have! I’m writing to you this week from the Fatherland (Germany). So, if I’m even more cranky than normal, you’ll know why (you know the Germans--very straightforward and cranky)! ;-) Plus, it’s tough for a Submariner to be away from his Lagoon. But, I’ll be back Home soonest and all will be well. With that in mind, and with all proper pleasantries extended, let’s get crackin’ on these letters, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my youngest sister has been dating her current boyfriend for several months. When I asked her recently why he’d never been to any family events, she informed me that he is a convicted sex offender and that he is not allowed around children. As you may imagine, I was quite shocked by this news. My sister informs me that her boyfriend is not really guilty, that he was represented by a terrible lawyer, and that the only reason he pled guilty was to save his family from the pain of a trial (he was accused of molesting his younger sister when he was a mid-teen). However, being a lawyer, I found out that the boyfriend was actually represented by an excellent lawyer and that he pled guilty only after his abused sister attempted suicide during the trial. As a result, our family does not plan on allowing the boyfriend to any family functions. My sister says that she loves this man and that we are being un-Christian toward him. What can we do? Signed, A Liar In Our Midst

Dear Judge Lawyer Brother/Sister. You know what? I can think of several circumstances under which an excellent lawyer might end up doing a shitty job of defending someone (and thus making said someone think the lawyer is shitty) and under which a younger sister would attempt suicide mid-trial, none of which have anything to do with this man being guilty. However, I can also follow and understand your logic that he’s an unrepentant child molesting monster. And, fact is, your family, as parents and as those responsible for children, have a responsibility to said children that has nothing to do with being good or poor Christians. If she were here in front of me, I’d beat your sister silly with a rubber hose for playing such a fucked up “good Christian” card as some sort of trump to you protecting your family's children. Your sister is being un-human if she can’t see why you’re worried. Fact is, though, there’s middle ground to be had here. You can explain to your sister that you’re uncomfortable with her boyfriend being around the family’s children (and you can explain why by telling her what you've found out), but you can also allow that you’d be willing to meet him in an adults-only setting (dinner out perhaps, or at her place?) in a good faith effort to try to see in him what she does. This would show love and support for your sister without placing your family’s children at risk. Further, though, for your sister’s sake, and for yours, you need to be honest with her. She hasn’t tried to sneak him around your family without informing you of his past, so, acknowledge at least that amount of respect on her part. Good luck.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I have a Christmas present problem. I warned my in-laws that I would not be able to buy presents up to my usual standard of monetary value due to tough financial times. I did buy presents, though, just not super-expensive ones. Well, my mother-in-law sent me a super-expensive purse as a present, but, upon receiving my present for her (a nice, but modest perfume), she became enraged, called me a “cheapskate” and a “dumb bimbo” for not knowing about her being allergic to the perfume, and then she demanded that I return the purse she'd given me! I was quite shocked by this and don’t know what to do? How should I respond to my mother-in-law’s actions? Signed, Befuddled and Bedamned

Dear Befudamned. This one is simple. Send back the purse without comment. No letter or card or even the tiniest little note. Just package the purse safely and send it back. Immediately. However, know right down to the sole of your heart that only asshole, shitbag, fucktarded bitches pull shit like your MIL just pulled, so, make sure to let your husband know that you will not be dealing with your MIL anymore. Ever. This means no talking to her, no communicating with her, no more sending or receiving any gifts from her, or anything else! Nothing. And you should 100% mean it, and be happy about it! You’re justified. But frankly, that's the easy part.  What's tougher is the overall relationship.  For the record, I don’t understand all of the “I”s in your letter as opposed “we”s? Why wasn’t your husband involved in the gift-giving with your in-laws (and thus the subsequent backlash)? Why hasn't he intervened on your behalf, or given back his present from your MIL?  Whatever the reasons, you can now wash your hands of this old crazy bitch and know full well that you’re in the right. Sometimes it’s better to just buck up and be a better human being. This isn’t one of them, though. Not after what she did and said to you. Unless she apologizes (and not with some bauble, but really and genuinely), she should be persona non grata to you. Enjoy the newfound freedom from Crazy Town!

LW#3: Dear Prudie. Recently, a co-worker was fired even though he’s a very talented, skilled worker when it comes to the technical part of the job. The problem was that he’s very socially awkward and repeatedly failed miserably at that part of his job. He expressed disappointment at losing his job, revealing he’d lost several others prior to this one. I’m not a doctor, but I feel certain his job record is because he has Asperger’s Syndrome. Is there a way that I can suggest he consult a doctor to see? He’s a young man and could have a long and successful career if he could address his social issues. How can I suggest this? Signed, Wanting To Help

Dear Helpful. If I were in your shoes, I’d cut and paste the body of your letter, erase the beginning and end parts that are addressed specifically to Prudie, and send it to your friend via e-mail. Just say, “Look, you expressed concern about losing your job, and I want you to know that your technical skill is highly admired and recognized, but...” You can even send it anonymously via a throw away e-mail account. Or anonymously via snail mail. You don’t even have to mention Asperger’s Syndrome. You could simply mention specific “social skill issues that need addressing, like...” and suggest that they may be due to anything from general awkwardness to various medical conditions, all of which can be addressed by a trained physician and research. By not offering a specific diagnosis (especially since you are not a doctor), perhaps your former colleague will be even more apt to pursue a fix (as opposed to reading a specific suggested diagnosis from you and then clamming up because he doesn’t want/like a specific label). Don’t talk yourself out of this deed, though, as the potential good you can do far outweighs any potential negatives. And good on you for wanting to help!  It seems that not many people do nowadays!

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I occasionally play very serious poker with a group of friends and acquaintances. There is a great deal of money at stake, but, we are all friends and mature adults and the evenings are always truly enjoyable. Recently, two members of the group pointed out to me that a friend that I’d suggested and introduced to the group was cheating during our most recent game. I’m not surprised by this accusation and now find myself in the position of addressing the issue. How do I proceed? Do I ask my friend for the money back that he won? How can I ask him to leave without affecting my friendship with him? Signed, You’ve Got To Know When To Fold ‘Em

Dear Sympathy for the Devil. This one is easy, too. Just tell your friend what you told Prudie. Simply say, “Joe, a couple of folks in the group have accused you of cheating last time around. They don’t want you back, and, as the one who introduced you, I was elected to tell you. I still want to be friends, though, so I hope that you remember that I’m just the messenger, but, for whatever it’s worth, you’re no longer welcome at the games.” Fact is, though, I’m curious as to why you’re okay with Joe’s cheating at a high stakes poker game? Especially after you introduced him to the group? I have to assume that you have so much discretionary income that the loss of money due to someone actually cheating, is no big deal? And, that the income is so significant that you don't value it enough to understand that you should be horrified that your “friend” would take money from people you’d introduced him to?! Where are your priorities, man? Where’s your moral outrage? Do you have a trust fund or something? But hell, if you’re truly okay with this type of behavior, can you give me a few night’s worth of your winnings? You know, just for my brilliant advice?

****
Well, Shippers, that’s it. May 2011 be your best year ever! And, as always, fair winds and following seas to you all. ‘Til next week, then...

...on Crazy Exes, Crazy Bank Mistakes (or not), and Crazy Crazies!

http://www.slate.com/id/2278304/ (12/30/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine post-Christmas, post-Solstice, post-Hanukah day? Did you have a wonderful day(s)? How is everything? I hope that you’re all wonderfully well, sipping coffee (perhaps a medium Columbian roast, freshly ground from a local shop?), or tea (some English Breakfast?), or, your own favorite beverage prepared in your own favorite way (like, maybe a float concocted of homemade ice cream!), and, that you’re enjoying the wonderful day! In that state of being, new letters are like the cream in the coffee or the sauce on the ice cream, eh? :-) So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’ on ‘em, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie. I was married to my ex-wife for seven years. Right about the time that the infamous itch kicked in, she made the decision to quit having sex with me. She said that she was doing this due to my indecision about starting a family. Prudie, fact is, I wasn’t sure of a lot of things regarding our relationship, but, what I was sure of, even if it was just a whisper in my soul, was that I didn’t want to have kids in that situation. Well, things deteriorated and we divorced. Now, two years later, I’m engaged to be married to my newly-pregnant girlfriend. Strange thing is, I’m thrilled about this pregnancy and can’t wait to be a father! Unfortunately, because my ex-wife and I have many friends in common, she found out about the pregnancy and called me in a livid rage, blaming me for the demise of our marriage and saying that I should have told her personally about the pregnancy! I disagree. Was I insensitive not to tell her? Is she right to be angry with me because I'm happy about my impending fatherhood? Signed, (I Have A Working) Dick

Dear Daddy Dicky. Okay, news flash, you really are the reason (or at least half of the reason) for your former marriage’s collapse. And, while that sucks balls to think in those terms (because you sound like a decent-enough fellow and probably don’t like to think that you caused anyone any pain), it’s just a fact. Fact is that your ex loved you (ostensibly), wanted to have kids with you (assuredly), thought you were the bomb-diggity-bomb with the magic sperm, and, the cat’s meow! But, regardless of the reason, it wasn’t working for you. So much so that, after having been married to a woman for seven years, you didn’t want to have kids and didn't know if you ever would. Things just didn’t work out, Dude. And that happens sometimes.  You both need to come to terms with that fact. And, unless you and your ex-wife were still very good friends (speaking frequently, getting coffee, etc.), which, you specifically said was not the case, then you most certainly should not have told her anything about your fiancée’s pregnancy! It’s absolutely, 100% none of her business! And your response when she called? It should have been, “Martha, I’m sorry that you feel that way.” Click. Shitake! As for your question, there’s no agreeing or not agreeing with your ex in this, Dick, as she’s your ex. And whoever's "right" or "wrong" is completely irrelevant.  At this point, you guys are just two people pissing on each other. Be the bigger person and politely hang up next time. Plus, your non-ex, the one who’s carrying a baby the two of you created? Yeah, there’s where your focus should be. Just sayin’.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my very generous friend sent me a $1,000 cashier’s check to cover travel expenses for a cross-country trip to see her. She then made and paid for non-refundable plane reservations. I’m in debt, work at a minimum wage job and live on a shoestring. When I deposited the check that she sent, it bounced because it was unsigned. As this was during bill-paying time, it racked up ruinous overdraft fees for me in a nasty cascading effect the likes of which have never been seen short of a domino toppling event attended entirely by crack addicts. I had to take out a loan just to cover my living expenses! I obviously can’t travel now, and my friend, believe it or not, demands that I pay back not only the original check, but the plane fare, too! I’m understandably bitter about this! What can I do? Signed, Banks are Mysterious, Like, Impossibly So

Dear Lying Liar and Who Lies. You are a liar. Or, if not, you’re a Class 4, Grade A Idiot. I’m not sure which, but, it doesn’t really matter because the result is the same. Here, let’s do the math. If this was a normal month and you were paying bills and had enough in your account to cover those bills, those checks wouldn’t have bounced, right? Right! And, if they had bounced, that would have been on you, right? And then, when you had to take out a loan to live on, you wouldn’t have been mad at anyone but yourself, right? Now, let’s get to your friend’s mysterious, unsigned, bouncing cashier’s check that apparently up and caused all of this mayhem? Um, no. If you deposited a check that didn’t meet your bank’s requirements for deposit, they’re not going to charge you for it. They’re going to simply not credit your account. And, since we’re on the topic, the bank cashier is the one who “signs” cashier’s checks, not the person who buys it--that’s why it’s called a “cashier’s” check. These checks either get credited to your account or they don’t. The only way it’d not be credited is if your friend cancelled it. What happened, I suspect, was that (for some reason) you were writing checks against that $1,000 check before it had cleared. And when those checks hit, you overdrew your account. And you were charged for that mistake over and over due to your own idiocy. I hate to get all math professor on your ass, but, I’m pretty sure you know exactly happened here, just as well as I do. And, news flash, so does your probably now ex-friend. As for paying her back, that’s on you, but, as for your bitterness? Have a look in the mirror. There’s the person who deserves that nastiness, not your friend.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, my business partner (and very good friend) unexpectedly lost her father two years ago. His death has been devastating on her. Since then, she’s gone off radar two or three times a year, sometimes breaking down completely and becoming entirely unable to function. Prudie, I’ve tried to be personally supportive and as good a friend as I can be. I’ve tried to carry the business during these increasingly difficult and lengthy grief breakdowns. But, Prudie, I can’t keep on doing it! The holidays are especially bad because it’s the anniversary of his death and she’s already pre-declared her inability to get any work done. At what point is it okay to tell her that she’s hurting our business and testing our friendship? Signed, Torn Between Duty and Friendship

Dear Torn. This is a tough spot to be in, and I certainly don’t envy you. You’ve got to talk to your friend as a friend, not as a business partner, and tell her that she needs professional help. That her grief is affecting her to a point that is well beyond what is healthy, and that you’re concerned for her mental wellbeing. Telling people who are emotionally compromised that they need to just “buck the fuck up” isn’t going to do anyone any good. And while we can all e-guess at her diagnosis, it’s clear at this point that she needs professional help to get at the cause of her symptoms. My e-opinion (as a certified e-doctor) is that this goes way beyond her father’s death. I e-believe that his passing was only the catalyst to this current state of being--one that had been brewing for quite some time. As for the professional side of things, instead of saying to her that she’s not pulling her weight, how about talking to her about bringing on someone part time until she gets back on her feet? Tell her that you think it’s best because you want her to be able to focus on her health, but, make sure that this isn’t a move on your part to squeeze her out of the business that she co-founded with you! If it is, you need to be honest and tell her that you want to move on professionally. Of course, if this is the case, be ready to lose her personally, too.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’m a junior in college who has a boyfriend who says we’re in a very mature and wonderful relationship (we’ve been together for five years), and that he’s the bestest guy ever for me because he knows what’s best for us both. My problem? I really want to travel the world and study abroad, but, my boyfriend says that I shouldn’t. He says that it’d cost me too much money and that I should wait until we can afford to do it together. But Prudie, the desire to travel and see the world is part of my very essence and I feel as if I don’t go soon, I’ll burst. What can I do? Signed, I Have No Clue At All Why The Caged Bird Sings

Dear Birdie. Let me explain to you what’s going on. Your boyfriend is scared he’s going to lose you. And so he’s manipulating you into staying (consciously or no). And, fact is, he’s not ever going to be interested in travel the way you are. He’ll stand for two minutes in front of the Eiffel Tower and say, “Yep. Seen it. Let’s go home.” That’s assuming you can even get him to take one trip with you. You two don’t have a mature relationship. You don’t know what that is. And that's okay!  I don’t mean that in a mean way! I’m sure that you two are very nice people, but, what you have is a relationship in which two people who should be enjoying the greatest and most carefree times of their lives are talking about finances and the future when both members aren't ready for that (perhaps neither are!). Further, the relationshiop is one in which the interests and priorities of the participants are vastly divergent. Listen, almost every single old, crusty, long-in-the-tooth (but wise) person you talk to about this (save for his parents, and certain Republicans who think that all other countries are run by pansies and/or communists) will tell you the exact same thing. Go! Go have the time of your life! Travel! Write! Paint! Learn the language, experience the world, see the sites and experience the love. Live, Birdie! You don’t get this chance often, and if your boyfriend would hold you back when you have such a chance, he’s either a well-meaning, but ignorant youngman, or, he’s willfully caging you.  But out of fear, not love. You have to figure out if you want to be with someone who could be and/or do either. Plus, you already know what you want. So, go! And when you do, don’t be constantly calling and texting and chatting with him. Live in the moment and experience the life where you are! Promise a call or e-mail per week or something but otherwise, live! If, when you return (if you return), you two still click, great! You'll have something wonderful to share.  But, if you don’t, wouldn’t it be better to find out now rather than in seven years (re: LW#1)? Good luck! And enjoy Paris! It’s beautiful every time of year!

****
Well, that’s it, Shippers! Here’s hoping that 2010 was a wonderful, incredible year. And that 2011 will be even better. Times two! See you all on the other side, and, fair winds and following seas to ya all!

...on Potentially-Gay Sons In Skirts and Not-So-Potential Asshole Husbands-in-Law

http://www.slate.com/id/2277578/ (12/23/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! And happy holidays to you all! No, I will not qualify that salutation--it’s all-inclusive, which means it’s not, in any way, exclusive. Got me? ‘Cause, you know, I don’t want to have to pull out the snark stick on any of my Shippers! But, if I hear one more “what happened to Merry Christmas, Smag?”, I think I might just have to open up that can! Don’t think I won't pull this car over right now and do it! The joy of the holidays, eh? Brings out the best in us all! ;-) Anyhoo, we’ve got letters for Christmas Eve's Eve! Woo-hoo! So let’s get crackin’ on ‘em, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I have a wonderful five-year-old son. He’s incredibly bright, artistic and thoughtful. Recently, though, my wife and I have developed a concern. Prudie, our son sometimes likes to dress up as a girl with his mother’s clothes and jewelry. And, fact is, that would be fine, but, now he’s asked Santa for a skirt of his own. And not just any skirt, but an absolutely fabulous one. Of his own! And Prudie, I’ll be honest, my wife and I don’t know how to handle it. We want him to be who he is, we really do, but, we also know that he’ll eventually want to wear the skirt outside the house. And that’s something we just can’t abide. Yet, we know he’ll be heartbroken if Santa doesn’t bring him a skirt. What can we do? Signed, We Love Our Cross-dressing Gay Son

Dear Meet the Gleekers. While I certainly understand and appreciate your concern, I want you to recognize that the gift and teaching your son where it’s appropriate to be used is a dynamic that exists with most any gift you might give. If you bought him a Red Ryder BB Gun, for example, would you have a problem telling him that he most certainly may not, ever, shoot it indoors? Nor at other kids? Nope. You wouldn’t even flinch. And what about the warnings of shooting his eye out?  So, it’s not the gift that’s at issue here, or when and where it’s to be used. It’s just you. And I’m not trying to be mean here! I just want you to recognize the dynamic that’s actually at work. You and your wife need to simply be parents and explain to your son in age-appropriate terms the reactions he might get, and why. Just like you would with the BB gun. And you two need to be comfortable enough with the subject and with how to explain it so that he understands that he is always safe with you. It's a tough line to walk, and I don't envy you, but, the worst thing you can do is have this talk be about any sort of shame or about anything to do with you or your wife! Do some research, solicit some help about what to say and how to say it, and then, embrace whatever may come. This may be a phase. It may not. But he is your son, regardless.  And denying him a skirt won't change who he is any more than giving him one would.  So, fuck what other people think and engage your son and be part of his strength and security in the world.  And, if it were me in your shoes and he was my wonderfully brilliant son? I’d buy him some costume jewelry, fabulous elbow-length dinner gloves, and a boa, too.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my sister-in-law just married the biggest asshole in the Western Hemisphere. He is an arrogant, rude, know-it-all, and, he seems to not only enjoy, but revel in talking down to all of us (the whole rest of my sister-in-law and husband’s family). Prudie, I’m afraid that someone’s going to punch him! Is it appropriate for one of us to have a talk with my SIL about the family shunning her new husband? My SIL is so sweet, and this is such a shame, but, assholes are as assholes do. Signed, We’ve Had It Up To Our Butts With This Asshole

Dear New Member of the “We’ve All Got One” Club. Count yourself lucky she just recently married the asshole and that you haven’t had to deal with him before now! No, I know, my gloating is not helpful. I’m sorry. Truthfully, I think the appropriateness of having a talk with your SIL or her husband is determined by your family members individually. Just because you’re fed up doesn’t mean that anyone else is (they might just be agreeing with you to keep you from being an asshole!). Then again, you all might be fed up with this guy! Regardless, don’t say a word to your SIL unless dealing with the inevitable shit storm and its after effects will be less uncomfortable for everyone than the SIL’s husband's status quo (and you might already be there). I agree that, at some point, someone might have to say to your SIL, “Jill, I’m sorry, but Jack isn’t welcome here.” Be very, very careful about deciding that you’re at that point, though. The decision to go there should be unanimous within the family, and unforced by anyone. And, too, recognize that very little good will come of it. Sometimes, it’s better to let a boar be a boar and enjoy the schadenfreude, than it is to lower oneself to the boar’s level.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I recently broke up with a long-term boyfriend due to his serial infidelity. With the holidays coming up, I want to make sure that his family knows that I didn’t break up with him over some stupid argument, and that, in fact, it was because he is a cheating bastard. And, I want them to side with me! I love each and every one of them like they were my long-lost family, Prudie. Honest! Why, we’re even friends on FaceBook. If that isn’t proof-positive, I don’t know what is! Isn’t there a way that I can let them all know that I’m not the bad guy here? Or should I just quietly disappear? Signed, Broken Hearted, But Not At Fault

Dear Thinking Too Hard About This. You need to check your motives here, Missy/Mister. If you really, truly like certain members of this family, why are you “disappearing” from their lives? I’m not suggesting that you take a casserole over for Christmas dinner, but, my guess is that you’re only “close” to them around the holidays because you visited them with your boyfriend. If your relationship really was close with some of them, they’d know already exactly what went on, and why. And you’d know that they know. But, fact is, what’s really at work here is that it chaps your ass to think that your ex might be telling stories about you and that these folks, with their dickeys and shiny white shoes, drinking eggnog out of moose head-shaped cups and laughing, might actually believe him. Listen, I’m going to give you some advice here that I know that you won’t follow, but, it’s what I do. Ready? Fuck him! Fuck them! Get on with your life! Holy shit, Woman/Dude! Listen, the people that matter already know what went on. Those who don’t matter? Well, they don’t matter. And this guy's family?  They don't matter.  And here’s another thing, just in case you didn’t notice: you broke up with him. Time to quit letting him rent so much damned space in your head! You’re better off without him and his indiscriminate penis.

And, as a special P.S., if you really like a family member of a boyfriend, as in, you know, think they’re all great and wonderful and awesome, and if the two of you share a great relationship that is separate and real, a breakup from your boyfriend won’t prevent future contact with that person. Just sayin’ you need to realize who these people really are, and to analyze why you’re still worried about them.

LW#4: Dear Prudie. I had a friend of several years who totally and completely and without cause, without rhyme or reason or even so much as a final toodle-do, just quit talking to me. She just got “too busy”, quit calling me (or returning my many calls), and seems to have even forgotten my e-mail address! This is inexplicable, Prudie. I’m an excellent friend! So excellent, in fact, that, you know, just for example, a few years ago, I handmade for her an outstanding Christmas gift that I bet she’s now keeping in a box in her basement. Yes, okay, fine, I admit it, I solicited a mutual friend to surreptitiously ask her about the gift, where it was, what her plans are for it, if it’s properly willed back to me in case of her death, and, you know, several other details too mundane to go into here. And, since it is such a great gift, I would like to ask for it back. But, you know, only if she doesn’t value it anymore (as I don’t want to be mean, as I am a great person, as I mentioned). But, you know, since if it’s just in a basement, collecting dust? What do you think? Signed, I Really Am a Good Friend. Honest!

Dear Protesteth Way The Fucketh Too Much. Are you serious right now? There’s really no way that you’re serious. Is there? Jerry fucking Garcia And The Five Horsemen of the Apocolypse on a popsicle stick! You are serious! Listen here, Assmuch, you need serious and real professional help. You are the kind of asshole that embarrasses asshole clubs. You are the kind that makes even long-term members of Unapologetic Assholes Anonymous shudder with the heebie jeebies due to your assholeness. You make the new husband from LW#2 look like the Patron Saint of Compassion! Listen, you say the friendship ended “inexplicably”? I say that it’s obvious as fuck why it ended, and that you asking for your macaroni self portrait to be returned won’t change a single thing about that. So, why not.  It’d be just another story (in what I'm certain is a long line of them) for your newly-fortunate ex-friend to remember as to why she is, in fact, your ex-friend.

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Well, Shippers, that about does it! I wish you all the happiest of holiday seasons and many happy returns. I know that, for some of you, Christmas Day is the coup de grâce, but that, for others, the holidays run well into even late January (and maybe even early February?). I wish you all the happiest of seasons, regardless of their beginning or end, and, much love, happiness, and, of course, as much snark as you could ever desire. Fair winds and following seas to you all, Shippers!

...on Control Freak Boyfriends and Various Holiday Cheer

http://www.slate.com/id/2277398/ (12/16/2010) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine winter Prudie Day? Are you enjoying the snow? The sleet? Or, perhaps you have balmy weather and bikinis? Regardless, in whatever latitude you find yourself, may your day and week be lovely. And, may your various celebrations during this time of year be joyous, however it is that they manifest themselves! And with that convoluted thought, I contend that it’s time to celebrate a new batch of letters with, well, responses! So, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my boyfriend wants me to take a lie detector test prior to asking me to marry him. He caught me in a couple of white lies early in our relationship (regarding things that happened prior to my meeting him), and has since said that if he can’t trust me in those things, he can’t trust me enough to marry me. He’s a great guy, Prudie, and, obviously I’d like to marry him, but, is this kind of request normal? Or, is it a sign of overall problems in our relationship? Signed, No Lie Detector for Me--Probably

Dear Abuse Victim. I am normally very snarky and flip with my answers. I can’t be in this case. You are being abused. You are being manipulated. You are in a destructive, oppressive, soul-crushing relationship that will only get worse with time, until, finally, one day, you will have been completely erased. The fact that you’re even questioning the sanity of the “request” of this asshole you call a boyfriend is proof of that, even if you can’t see it. Please leave him. Please get out of the relationship today. This moment. Your jackass, abusive boyfriend will be angry. Or, he’ll cry--it just depends on what best pushes your buttons. Regardless of how he does it, though, if you turn to leave, he’ll plead with you. He’ll attempt to manipulate you. He’ll claim that he’ll get better. Or, he’ll say that you have nowhere to go, that you’re nothing without him. He’ll promise you anything to keep you, up to, and likely including, offering to marry you. I can’t stress this enough: do not fall for it! You are a victim and in the middle of a highly destructive relationship. I realize that you can’t see that right now. You’re likely wondering, “Why in the hell is SmagBoy using such strong language? It’s not that bad.” Listen to me. It is that bad. You need help. Please, for the love of all that is living, enlist any true friends and/or family that he hasn’t already managed to alienate you from and get out today. Right now. Every moment that you hesitate is a moment that he sinks his claws deeper into you and one more piece of your soul that gets locked away. I implore you to leave him. It doesn’t matter if you have holiday plans. They’re nothing compared to the danger you’re in. You can make new plans! He may call you names, curse you to his friends. So what. Even if you can’t see why, please trust me in how important this is. And then, after you get out, as soon as you can, you need to find counseling. This is vital. You must figure out what was happening, how it happened, and what you can do to prevent it from happening again. Good luck, and, please hear me on this--trust me, I don’t break character for nothing.

LW#2: Dear Prudie. For years, my dad ate poorly, didn’t exercise, lazed about, contracted diabetes (though didn’t know it), and, as a result, became extremely overweight, had a heart attack, and nearly died. For about a year after that, he was better and took care of himself. But, since then, he’s gone back to his old ways and is eating everything in sight and, well, obviously, gaining weight. Further, my sister and I suspect that he hasn’t been to his cardiologist in over a year. Whenever anyone brings up any of this, my father goes into a screaming fit of pique. My mother has given up. To add to my concern, we’re planning a Christmas trip to a third world country where we’ll do lots of hiking. We’re all worried that my dad will become ill and require medical care, but that, given the location, there won’t be adequate care and he’ll die. What can we do? Signed, Worried Daughter

Dear Daughter. Here’s one of life’s toughest lessons: you can’t control anyone but yourself. You can ask, you can plead, but, in the end, you can’t be your father’s hands or his mouth. And, if you’ve talked to him about your concerns and he can’t or won’t change, there’s nothing you can do to change him. But, remember what thing I said that you can control? Yourself. So, if taking this trip worries you, if it seems as if it's the worst possible idea in the history of ideas, you can simply choose not to go. I wouldn’t want to come to associate the holidays with the vivid memories of the terrible death of a beloved family member, either. I mean, hell, what if there are canibals there and they eat his dead, cake-laden flesh?!  I wish I had more for you, but, some life lessons truly are that simple. Or maybe I’m just off my game after the first letter? Nah. Regardless, good luck to you and your family. May your father see the error of his ways before it’s too late and may you have together many more holidays to come.

LW#3:  Dear Prudie, I’ve worked for the same, privately-owned company for ten years. I’ve never gotten a single raise.  Yet, each year, we’re asked to donate more and more of our salary to a company-approved charity. Further, we’ve recently been asked to contribute more to our health insurance costs, and, frankly, I just won’t have the money to contribute more to health insurance and keep up with the Joneses regarding charitable donations. What should I do? Signed, Charitably Uncomfortable

Dear Bob Cratchit. You surely do have some patience! Holy smokes! Listen, you’ve got to do only what you can do. And, if your disposable income has decreased by X percent due to healthcare payments that have increased by X percent, you can, with an unburdened heart and free conscience, contribute that much less to the company’s charity. As a matter of fact, on the donation form, you could even enter what you would have contributed, then, a minus sign with the X percent after. Title that minus section “healthcare increases”. Then, enter the final sum. If questioned, you can say, and quite righteously, “Listen, Mr. Scrooge, I’ve worked here for ten years without a single raise. My less-expensive healthcare benefits and your stone cold companionship were my only comforts. Not even any coal for heat! Now that I have to pay more for healthcare, with no raise, in ten years (did I mention), I have no choice but to reduce my charitable donations.” Personally? I’d look for another job. But I’m not patient like you.  At all.

LW#4:  Dear Prudie, after I graduated from college and moved to a nearby city for a great job, my parents downsized by buying a smaller house. Now, when I come home for holidays, there’s no room for me! The longer I stay, the crankier they get, to the point where I don’t feel welcome in their home anymore! I get the distinct feeling that they’re over being parents and want me out of their lives. What can I do? Signed, No Longer Wanted

Dear Butt-hurt Bunkmate. Listen, amazingly, once one reaches adulthood, one typically learns to ask before just showing up at the homes of other people.  Interestingly, this rule even counts for family. I have a great relationship with my parents, but I would never just invite myself to their place, on my own schedule, pretend that I own the place, and expect them to cater to me. Of course, I’m a fully-functioning adult, not a diva who thinks the world revolves around him/her, so, you know, there’s that. And, truth is, I’m not talking about anything fancy here. All you need do is call your folks a few weeks in advance and say, “Hey, Mom, Pops, I was thinking of coming home for Christmas. I’d love to see you! What are your plans? Do you have some free time? Could I crash at your place, or is a hotel better? Is there a good or bad time? I was thinking from the 22nd to the 26th?” Something like that. My folks have plenty of room at their homes, but, what if they’d already invited someone, thinking that I wasn’t going to be in town? You know, as in, gasp, made other plans?!  Sort of like real, live, functioning adults who have lives outside of being my parents? It’d be awfully presumptuous of me, also a real, live fully-functioning adult, to assume that they’d drop everything and all of their plans to cater to my “great job”-having ass, don't'cha think? And, as such, ipso Eggo-Pocono, it’s awfully presumptuous of your fully-functioning adult ass to presume same of your folks. Grow up! And merry fucking holidays. Ho-ho-ho.

****
Well, Shippers, that does it for this episode of “As the Smag Turns”. Tune in next week when we’ll hear our hero exclaim, “Oy! Who drank all of the damn eggnog! Bastard ingrate bastardly bastards!” Ah, the holidays... Good cheer, Shippers, and fair winds and following seas to you all.