From A Submariner's Perspective

(NEW!!!) ...on Sisters, Brothers, Mothers and even Extended Family

2011-12-22T11:40:00.011-06:00

Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found Here.

Hey hidey-ho-ho-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine-fine, pre-holiday Prudie Day? I hope that you’re all well, that you’ve family around, that the lovely aroma of cookies is wafting all through the house, and, that you’ve had the chance to sip tea or coffee or your holiday beverage-of-choice while watching those movies you’ve been too busy to watch up until now. I wish for you all a wonderful and merry holiday season, however and in whichever way you celebrate it. And, now with that said, and since we’ve got letters, why don’t we get crackin’?!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I like my family’s tradition of spending Christmas Eve at my parent’s house with my brother and our parents. All together as one happy family. Just us. But, since my brother got married, not only has his wife and her family tagged along, but, we’ve spent Christmas Eve at their house! And now they want us to do it again! Now I’m dreading Christmas and don’t know if I even want to go. Why can’t it be like it’s always been, without all of the intruders and interlopers changing our traditions? And who moved my cheese?! Signed, Longing in Lawrenceville

Dear Longing. Listen, I understand what you’re saying. I do. But, not once did you say anything negative about your in-laws (and yes, they’re your in-laws, too, even though you made a specific point to divorce yourself from them in your original letter to Prudie) other than that you don’t like their son, due to some high school indiscretion or other. You can certainly stew on this situation. Plenty of people do. They’re known as “Grumpy Aunt Sarah, the Spinster” or “Drunk Uncle Sam, the Curmudgeon”, etc. They’re the bane of everyone’s holiday celebrations, but they also make for the best stories afterwards. So, by all means, keep feeling put upon when invited to share hospitality with people who are nice to you. You’ll be appreciated for the water cooler fodder you provide in the New Year. And, too, yes, I do get that you’d like things to go back to how they were. Hell, I would love to press a “reset” button on life, too. There are tons of things that I’d do differently, and tons I’d just like to do again. But, as appealing as that sounds, it’s not real life. Nor is it how things work. Real life is staring you in the face and you can accept or not the fact that your brother has grown up and is making a family of his own. You can choose to be a part of that family that your brother takes forward into life or not. That's your choice. Don’t worry. This stuff happens to the best of us. And sometimes, it’s even for the better. Hang in there, okay? You might find that if you give it a try without any preconceived notion, you might even enjoy something new.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my family and I have been estranged from my brother for nearly ten years. For years of living with us he’d been a hateful shit to my sister, me, and our parents. And, worse, once he moved out and married, he continued in his shittiness by writing letters to us, blaming us for imaginary slights we’d put him through and in particular attacking our generous and loving dad. Well, he's recently divorced and has been making an effort to reconnect with us. He’s reached a fragile peace with my parents and my sister. And recently a whole stack of Christmas presents from him arrived for me. Should I acknowledge them with a thank you? Ignore him (as my impulse says to do)? Or what? How can I best move forward? Confused and Hurting in Cincinnati.

Dear Confused. Look, I know this seems very complicated, but, it’s far less so than it you’re making it (which is understandable--it’s a sucky situation!). Just ask yourself this: will your ignoring him be more of a strain on you (including any worry you may have about how your family will react) than the peace of mind you’ll gain from continuing to keep him at a safe distance? If the answer is yes, extend an ever-so-cautious olive branch. Otherwise, don't. If you need to stay distant (something which you’ve every right to do, and which you’re completely allowed to do), simply explain to your parents and sister that you can’t open up that part of your heart again right now. Explain that it’s still too tender. And know that that’s fine. As long as you’re not actively rude or disparaging or judgmental of their contact with him, your distance won’t hurt their relationship unless they choose to make it an issue (which is not your fault). Maybe later you’ll feel that you want to give it a try, but, right now, explain that’s not how you feel and that they need to respect your feelings. However, if you do choose the path of continuing to ignore him, under no circumstances are you allowed to keep the presents! Return them unopened, with a note that simply says, “I’m cannot accept these, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. I wish you peace and happiness.” And then enjoy and embrace the love of the family that’s always been there for you.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I enjoy visiting my family for the holidays, but I hate the annual ritual of attending mass. And it’s not as if my parents are particularly religious. They only go on Christmas and Easter. Yet, my mother will be very hurt (and it'll show) if I don’t go to mass with them. My father, ever the peacemaker, would rather that I go along to appease my mother and to keep her from pitching a royal bitch and ruining the holidays for the whole family. But I'm just as stubborn as she is. What should I do? Signed, Hating the Hypocrisy in Hoboken

Dear Hating. This is a common and real concern. And in your case it’s made even more prickly in your mind because of what you perceive as your parents’ spotty attendance at church. Here’s the thing, though: you need to think of this like a scale. On the one hand of the scale, you have the shittiness that your mother will doll upon your and everyone’s head if you don’t go to mass, hypocritical though that may be (and it is). On the other, you have the shittiness that you’ll experience if you do go. If you want to know who’s right in this situation, it’s you. You win nothing for being right, of course, but, you are in the right to feel as you do. No person should ever be forced, especially by guilt and shittiness, to do things that they don’t want to do. On the other hand, taking us back to our scales, how long will the shittiness last if you don’t go versus if you do? I’m not saying that your mom’s in any way correct, but, seems that she’s probably capable of making the whole holiday about the fact that you didn’t go to mass. And involving other family members. Emotional blackmail-style. Or, you can choose to go and simply employ the philosophy of WWABD. That’s “What Would Alec Baldwin Do”? And we now all know the answer to that question. He’d play Words With Friends while spending an hour and a half in mass because he knows that’ll be less pain, time-wise, than dealing with Mama Baldwin’s complaining about the fact that he and Stephen and the other brother, the one with no talent, didn’t go to church with her. You should follow Alec’s lead and go to mass, too. Even though it’s wrong and you shouldn’t have to. And while there, you should play Words With Friends. It's not just any game, mind you. It’s a word game. For smart people.

LW#4: Dear Prudie. My sister and I each receive a check for $30 every Christmas from an Aunt and Uncle that we see only once per year. Now that we’re adults, not only does the tradition seem weird, it means that I have to write them a thank you note for the check. I’m sure that you’ll agree that it’s all a bit gauche. What should we do? Signed, All Grown Up in Albuquerque

Dear All Grown Up. No, you’re not. Look, I get that you and your sister think it’s a little weird to get a $30 check from your aunt and uncle each Christmas. Especially now that you’re in your 30s, have families of your own, and are near the age of writing Christmas checks to your own ungrateful, shitty nieces and nephews. But, what gave away your lack of maturity, grace, and even basic empathetic ability (or concern) is the fact that you clearly seem most upset by this arrangement not because you find it weird, but because you’re compelled to “go out of your way” to write a thank you card. You know, if you don’t want to send a thank you card, don’t. You don’t even have to cash the check. Some people don't consider that a chore. You do. Why hide it? Plus, you could always send back the check with a note that says, “Cashing this tiny little check isn’t worth the effort that’s going to be required to write you a thank you note each year, so, could we please just share annual pleasantries at Thanksgiving and call it good?” I realize it’ll take some effort to write that out (try some Icy Hot afterwards, it’d good for the hand cramps), but, rest assured, if you do it correctly, you won’t have to do it again next year, or ever again.

****

Well, Shippers, that about does it! I hope that you have the best holidays ever. May your coffee or hot chocolate warm you, may your Christmas cookies fill you, and may your travels both now and over the coming days, be filled with time well-spent with loved ones and tater tots and grand adventures. Fair winds and following seas, Shippers!

...on a Cat Woman, a Princess, a Jewess, and a Reasonable Writer

2011-12-15T08:57:00.006-06:00

Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found Here.

Hey hidey-hoy, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine-fine Prudie Day? Are you finishing classes maybe? Taking that one last test, or turning in that last term paper? Or, maybe work is winding down before taking time off for the holidays? Or all of the above? Whatever your situation, I wish you a happy and wonderful next few weeks (and yes, that includes Christmas, but it also includes Hanukkah , Kwanzaa, Festivus, Winter Solstice, and even “Sunday the 25th”, a purely secular day for some). Regardless of how you spend the holidays, my sincere wishes for a wonderful time for you all! :-) Except for maybe a LW or two, who truly don’t deserve it! To that end, let’s get crackin’ on these letters, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’m in my 30s, have met the man of my dreams and am ready to marry and start a family. The problem? I have a cat and my beau is deathly allergic. My cat is eight-years-old and I feel super-guilty about trying to figure out how to best place him in a loving home. My rigid, judgmental, asshole friends are basically accusing me of the equivalent of abandoning a child, and, too, my cat is starting to develop behavioral problems because I spend so much time away from home at my boyfriend’s house. What can I do to assuage this guilty feeling? Signed, Broken Hearted in Belleview

Dear Broken. First off, tell your friends to shove their judgmental attitudes up their own (or each other’s) asses. Either, a) they’re jealous old bitties from whom you’d do well to extricate yourself, or, b) you’re reading too much into what they’re saying due to your feelings of guilt. Either way, Prudie’s suggestion of enlisting them to help you place the cat in a loving home is right on target and will tell you a lot about their motives in tearing you down and criticizing you. Too, though, if you do need judgment, and want it from me, you’ve got it: if you’re spending so much time away from home that your cat is developing behavioral problems as a result, you’re already way past being a shitty owner to your cat. Finding a loving new home for a beloved animal due to changing life situations is not a crime, and sometimes it’s just the way life works when you wear big girl panties. However, frequently leaving a cat for what’s obviously several days at a time without love or care? That’s just shitty. How you or your friends could possibly think that’s better than placing your cat in a loving home is beyond me. You want to feel guilty about something, feel guilty about that. And then fix it. Pronto!

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I have a wonderful husband who loves me dearly. He spontaneously gives me presents, shows me great affection, sends flowers for no reason at all, gives tender, loving words, etc. But, when it comes to planning for big events like birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc., he’s pretty terrible--to the point of barely making an effort at all to spend money on me. I, on the other hand, get him thoughtful and appropriately-awesome gifts for those days. Every time. How can I tell him that it feels like a personal attack on me, our love, the very foundation of our relationship and our family’s future that he doesn’t pay special attention to me on those days and that I’m planning a major crying jag complete with holiday-ruining door-slamming (and other tirades) if he doesn’t come through in a big way this Christmas? Signed, (Already) Buying Tissue in Birmingham

Dear Otherwise Great Husband’s Wife. So, let me get this straight. He loves you dearly, is loving and affectionate and generous, but, he blows it all by not planning ahead for and getting you gifts on big days? Is that right? I’m not meaning to trivialize your complaint, I just want to make sure that I understand the issue. No, look, I’m being a little heavy-handed, but, you have to realize that you’re falling victim to “princess syndrome” (PS). PS dictates that, not only should your husband be the most awesome man ever, he should also be able to magically predict your desires without hints or clues from you, know you so well that he just “knows” what you want, and then deliver it in such grand style that you feel you’re the only woman on Earth. And, truth is, I can understand that desire. Hell, I’d like that, too! But, fact is, that’s not how things work most of the time in the real world. I know that you think that you do great by him, but, you know what? I bet if he gave in to PS, he’d be wondering why you can’t do things a different way for him! And the shame is that you both think you’re doing well for the other! He thinks he’s being awesome by showing you how much he loves you all year long. You think you’re being awesome by buying him big ticket items that he may or may not need or want, but, by golly, I guarantee you he’ll pretend he loves them because, well, you guys (or at least you) aren’t communicating! Prudie’s right. You need to be proactive and quit pretending that if you leave a hint or help your husband give you what you want that the effort he then makes and the gift he then buys will be somehow tainted or of less value. That line of thinking is best left to Disney movies and fantasy.

LW#3: Dear Prudie. I’m Jewish. My husband is not. His family is not. But I am! I just had a little boy who I’m raising Jewish. My in-laws are great, supportive, but simple, uneducated people. They’ve traveled at great expense to my son’s bris and though they don’t know any Jews, have tried to be understanding of my culture and my religion. I am traveling to see them over Hanukah and they would like to give my son presents. I’ve directed them to wrap the presents in Hanukah paper because my son is Jewish and Christmas paper will stain his soul. They claim that Christmas is a secular holiday and that receiving Christmas presents from them won’t permanently scar my son or exclude him from Heaven and God’s grace. How can I help them respect my wishes. Signed, Jewess in Jersey

Dear Jersey. I’m going to try to be as tactful as possible. I, too, worry for your son’s soul. But my worry isn’t due to Christmas paper or other exposure to Heathen activity. It’s due to his mother’s selfish, self-interested, elitist snobbery. Listen, I don’t know if you know this, but, there are other religions, other cultures, other traditions in this world outside of your own. And your son will be exposed to them. And you can make that exposure so vile and nasty that you drive him away from you and your own culture and tradtions, or, you can recognize that you married a non-Jew. That you chose to break with Jewish tradition in doing so, and that you are at fault if you think that you can now go back on that and make everything in your son's life be about you and your ways. Whether you let your husband touch the child or not with his goy hands, he is the child's father, and his family is your son's family. Didn’t you realize your husband was a non-Jew when you married? What, did you just not give a shit because you reckoned that, like his weak, wimpy ass, his entire family would just bow to you and your desires? You know what? Call it Hanukah, call it Christmas, call in Solstice, I don’t care. One thing I’m pretty sure of is that it’s supposed to be a time of grace and giving and tolerance. Maybe you should ponder that part of your tradition, eh?

LW#4: Dear Prudie. My sister and I would like to visit our childhood home. We have many great memories of the place and would love to see the house, the yard, the rooms. Unfortunately, our family no longer lives there and I don’t know how to go about asking the current owners if it’s okay if we come for a visit. I know that my own parents would be quite derisive and object whole-heartedly to anyone making such a request of them regarding their house! What should I do? Signed, Homesick in Harrisburg

Dear Homesick. Simply write a letter to the current owners. Explain what you’ve explained here. Offer proof of your identity--perhaps a picture or two of you and your sister in front of the house? Unless the current owners are as horrible as your parents sound (and let’s hope not!), they will happily have you into their home, or, if they’re unable to do so (and there are certainly valid reasons why they couldn’t), they’ll at least write back explaining their sincere regrets. Either way, it’s a very modest request and the worst you can receive is a no. Good luck, and happy memories!

****

Well, Shippers, that about does it! May your week be filled with fun, happiness, double burgers and fries! And, too, may we all meet here again next week for more of that magical Prudie fun. ‘Til then, fair winds and following seas to you all! Cheers!

...on Creepers, Skeeves, Painters and Pricks

2011-12-08T08:42:00.009-06:00

Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found Here.

Hey hidey-ho there, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine-fine December morn? How’s life been treating you lo these many months gone by? What are your plans for the many upcoming holidays? Do tell! Listen, I could go into a long explanation of what I’ve been up to over the last several months, and, too, ask you what you’ve been up to, but, fact is, we’re all here for the letters, right? So, with that in mind, and to shake off the dust, let’s get crackin’ on ‘em, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’m not going to give you a single bit of context or back story or even a single detail of my life save for these: I’m miserable because my 58-year-old husband of (less than, but nearly) two years has just left me for my daughter of (fully) 25 years. I now feel “heartbroken, betrayed and furious at the two people I love most.” What do I do? Signed, Miserable is Muskogee

Dear Ms. Miserable. Damn! That’s a kick in the titty, eh? So, look, I’m not a “blame the victim” kind of guy, but, you say that your daughter is one of the two people in the world you love most. As such, why would she ever dream of doing this? How did things end with your first husband? Did you leave him for someone else back when your daughter was in her formative years? Is there some other powerful reason for your daughter to treat you with such little regard or respect? These things don't usually just crop up out of the blue--especially with those we "love most." If it was a passionate, short-term mistake (and those do happen) by an otherwise-loving daughter, she would have tearfully fessed up and distanced herself from Old Man Creeper. But instead, she’s moving in with him? And, then, there’s your 58-year-old ex (whom you love second most) shacking up with a 25-year-old girl?! Boy, you sure do know how to pick 'em! So, while I’m not blaming you, I do suggest that you go for counseling and tell the counselor everything you've told us (and, you know, the rest of the story, too), and try to find out why those you “love most” are such apparent duds. Be prepared to hear, once you're done with your fainting fit, that your love of the dramatic is going to be just as much a part of what you need to overcome as the betrayed furiousness you now feel. And, as for the new lovebirds, were I you, I'd simply wish them well. Their fling will last only so long as you make it apparent that it bothers you, because, your daughter, having not fallen far from the tree, will quickly grow tired of your ex if she can’t get a rise out of you over the situation.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my FIL is a creeper. His actions with my daughter make her (and me, and my husband, I think,) very uncomfortable. The in-laws are rarely around, and their culture dictates that they be treated with extreme reverence when they are. And, even though they treat me like shit, I’ve deferred to that dynamic in the past to keep the peace. But I've determined that I won’t have my daughter at risk any more. What can I do? Signed, Standing Up in Scranton

Dear Standing Up. Good for you! Now, as Prudie says, get your husband to address not only the treatment of your daughter--have him tell them that she doesn’t like rough housing and that gramps is going to need to practice a much more hands-off approach this time--but, too, he needs to put the kibosh on his parents' poor treatment of you, too. If he hasn’t already turned toward them when they condescend to you, eyes a full shade and a half of Hell and said, “Excuse me, but, that’s my wife, this is her house, and if I ever, ever hear her treated like that again, you will no longer be welcome here”, then he needs to be told that that’s his responsibility. And, if he won’t do it, you should. You should never be condescended to in your own house, nor should you ever feel the need to defer your feelings about your daughter’s safety. Ever. To anyone. You are her protector, not a model for her on how best to be shit upon.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, my girlfriend’s step father paints nudes of her. He’s 80-something and we’re in our 30s. He didn’t start painting her until she was in her 20s. I’m all liberal and fine with nude paintings as a general concept, and his are very tasteful, but this arrangement skeeves me out. Especially the frontals! Am I a jealous prick or is something amiss here? Signed, Heebie-jeebies in Hoboken

Dear Heebies. You are a jealous prick who doesn’t respect his girlfriend’s judgment or her step-father's discretion. And Prudie was way off base in her answer to you. There. How’s that?

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I still have my security blanket from childhood. I’ve tried to quit it, and have been able to put it away for months at a time, but, I always go back. My boyfriend groans when he comes home and catches me with it and when I then try to lie and say that it was just sitting there and that “I wasn’t touching it, honest I wasn’t!” I need help in breaking this habit. Don’t I? Signed, Insecure in Indianapolis

Dear Insecure. Which habit are you asking about breaking? Your relationship with your blankie, or your relationship with your prick boyfriend? Listen, first off, and this is important, anyone, and I mean anyone who makes you feel like you need to lie about your blankie is not right for you. Who the fuck is he, the blankie police? If he thinks he needs to be with someone without a blankie, then let him. And if that’s not you, that’s okay, too. Might even be better! Listen, people smoke, chew pens, have a favorite chair or hobby or other things from which they derive comfort. You have your blankie. If you want to break the habit for you, then that's one thing. But if your asshole boyfriend can’t accept you for who you are, he’s the one with the insecurity issues. Never lie about your blanket again. It’s not necessary and it’s beneath you (although I would wash it--it sounds a little nasty by your description!).

****

Well Shippers, that’s it. How was that for being gone so long? Okay? Need more snark? Less? I hope that alls’ well with you all and that you’re having a wonderful December! Fair winds and following seas to you all!

...on Heathens, Idiots, Pearls, and Bikinis

2011-05-15T14:56:00.001-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2293834/ (5/12/2011) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey Hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I hope that you’re happy, healthy, well-fed, well-coffeed, and, that those around you (be they family, friends and/or co-workers) are decent, supportive, non-insane, genuinely nice individuals. Apparently, none of those wishes are guaranteed in this life, so, I hope them doubly for you all! Every day. :-) Especially the well-coffeed part! Speaking of, I was recently given some Vietnamese instant coffee. I thought to myself, “Instant coffee? Ewww!” But it is actually really nice! And robust! And quite fully zoomied, too! :-) It won’t keep me totally away from my various K-Cups, but, it’s a really nice treat and worth the effort to get, in my humble opinion. Anyway, my coffee habits aside, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I come from a family and tradition of staunch Christianity. Recently, I find that I’ve lost my faith. I’m quite at peace with the personal spiritual ramifications of where I now find myself, but, I’m worried about how my family, friends, and, worst of all, my wife will feel and react. I still attend church and have not shared my quandary with anyone else, but, it seems quite dishonest to not do so. I’m scared of losing everything if I do share this information (and I’m pretty sure I will if I do), but, even worse, I’m afraid that not telling my wife is even more dishonest (and thus wrong) than the pain it’ll cause us both if I do tell her. What should I do? Signed, Morally Confused

Dear Fellow Atheist. Don’t worry! Surely you know from your years of indoctrination that morality is a Christian-only characteristic and that those who have no faith can’t possibly have any morals. Ergo, you can now treat people as horribly as you’d like with no worry about the ramifications because, you know, only good Christian people treat other people with honor, dignity and/or respect. As such, lying to people about your deepest inner feelings about God is something that you can now do without concern. Matter of fact, if you ever become president, you can use this same tactic while justifying all manner of Hell on Earth. And what’s good enough for a former president, surely, is good enough for you, a newly faithless Heathen, right? Right!

Perhaps you’ve noticed I’m being a bit shitty about this? Yes, I am. I won’t go into why, but, perhaps the paragraph above, even though it’s sanctimonious, will be a clue. The Bible said something (in Psalms, Isaiah, and Proverbs at least) about having to lay in the bed one makes for one's self (although, holy shit, Mother Mary and Joseph, just make sure the fuck that there are no men in that bed with you, ‘cause, you know, apparently, that’s even more wrong than killing several tens of thousands of people based on "bad intelligence" and shit). Here’s the bottom line: if you will lose your family and friends by simply explaining that you’ve lost your faith (while stressing, of course, that in every other way, and in every other action, you’re the same man they've always known and loved), then they’re not worth the spittle that spews from their maws as they busy themselves with condemning you.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, My husband and I have a 5- and 3-year-old. We let them play in the street because they’re very well-behaved and follow our rules. We specifically bought a house in a cul-de-sac so that we could do this very thing. One of our coffee-addled, crazy-driving neighbors almost hit our 3-year-old the other day and her husband had the nerve to blame it on us! He even threatened to call child services to report our "poor parenting"! How can I prove to him that he’s wrong? Signed, Good Mother Who Purposefully Lives on a Freakin’ Cul-de-Sac For Heaven’s Sake

Dear Dumbass Idiot. I know, I know, you’ve probably read on The Fray that you can leave infants and young children alone for quite awhile and that it’s okay. Fact is, though, it’s not. You’re an unbelievably rude dumbass who’s basically stealing free childcare by foisting the care and safety of your children onto other, more responsible adults. All of the justification about maturity of kids, rules, who was right and who was wrong, and even who was talking on the phone instead of piloting their military vehicle-sized truck won’t mean a damn thing when your 3-year-old is run the fuck over and dead. You need to get your tubes tied, your husband needs a vasectomy, and he then still needs to wear condoms during sex, just in case, and you both need to learn what a back yard is for and when to use it. And, no, I’m not even kidding.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I’m 17, heavy (5’-3” and a size 10), and really self-conscious about it. Summer’s coming and there are lots of parties centered around swimming and the requisite wearing of bathing suits. In the past, I’ve tried to attend the parties in street clothes and skip the swimming. Unfortunately, that tactic gets me teased and goaded. One time I acquiesced and borrowed a horribly-fitting bathing suit. I was teased even more. I don’t want to miss out on these parties, but, I don’t want to wear a bathing suit in front of everyone because I'm so fat. What can I do? Signed, Reluctant Swimmer

Dear Reluctant. First of all, your friends know why you aren’t swimming. You aren’t fooling them. You need to know and accept that fact up front. As such, as I see it, you have three choices: don’t attend the parties (and likely regret it now and later), attend the parties but be teased about not swimming (wherein you may still have a good time, but, but, I know, that kinda sucks--but, if the teasers get too out of hand, you can just leave), or, go out, find a bathing suit that fits you and is complimentary (at size 10, there are plenty to choose from!) and that you feel good in (or at least that you feel okay in--I realize that you may not feel “good” in any of them, but trust me, you’ll look wonderful in several of them, as size 10 is not nearly as big as you think it is--at all!), keeping in mind that you don’t have to buy a bikini-style suit if you’re not comfortable with that (there are all types of suits, as Prudie says). One of the things that’s almost impossible for you to understand at your age (and plenty of us never learn it!) is that confidence is extremely attractive, and that ignoring the bullies will shut them up (most of them, anyway--the ones it doesn’t are assholes, and that’s just part of life). Whatever you choose, though, you’ll be okay. You look far better than you think you do, and, in years to come, when you look back at pictures of you now, you'll say to yourself, "What in the world world was I thinking when I found myself to be fat?!" Things do get better in time. But, hey, why not go bathing suit shopping with a trusted friend or family member! At least give it a shot. You never know! :-)

LW#4: Dear Prudie, my mother-in-law recently gave me a beautiful pearl necklace and earrings. I love the necklace and wear it almost daily. The earrings, on the other hand, while made with gorgeous, expensive, valuable pearls, are horribly dated and simply un-wearable in today’s fashion world. Can I get them re-set without incurring my easily-slighted MIL’s ire? Signed, Between Pearls and a Swine

Dear Lucky. Aside from Prudie’s wise counsel (she suggested you buy another set of earrings to wear with this necklace), I suggest that you employ your husband, with or without his knowledge, into fixing this touchy situation. You need to make sure he knows how much, a) you love the necklace (and make sure he notes how often you wear it), and b) that you’d love to wear the earrings, too, but that they’re a bit too dressy for everyday use (not that they’re “out of date” or “unstylish”). You could even drop a casual, “Well, short of having them re-set, which wouldn’t be fair to your mom, maybe I can find a set that’d match--it’s just a shame because I love them so much and love that the pearls came from your mom!” Note that none of that is untrue! You drop these hints when he’s going on about Christmas or birthday present ideas, and, unless he’s an idiot, don’t worry, he’ll do the rest. And, if you’re savvy about it, all will work out swimmingly and everyone will be happy! Either way, much good luck!

****
Well, Shippers, that’s it! I know I was in a foul and quick mood today (at least with the first two letters), but, that’s how these things work sometimes. At least I didn’t suggest that anyone jump on their boss’s desk and pee on it while singing ‘Take This Job and Shove It!” I’m saving that one for an epic bridge-burning resignation for someone super-close to retirement. Until next week, then, fair winds and following seas, Shippers!

...on Professional Strength Viagra!!!

2011-05-05T08:52:00.005-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2293047/ (5/05/11) <--- Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey Hidey-ho, Shippers! How the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? Spring is in the air, flowers are blooming, Spanish moss is hanging from the trees, swaying in the cool breeze (have you ever reached up, grabbed a piece and actually felt it?), and Prudie is writing her annual Mother’s Day Bonanza! What could be better? As a bonus, and hopefully this isn’t too much information, I got some spam today for “Viagra Professional” (I think it even had one of those copyright symbols, which, of course, means it’s official and that you should definitely go out and buy it and put it into your body!). I don’t need Viagra (thankfully, and, you know, knock on wood), and the warning it gives on its TV commercials already scares the hell out of me, “If you experience an erection for over four hours, consult a physician, do not pass ‘Go’, do not collect $200” (yeah, no shit, Sherlock!), so, you must know that a spam ad for “Viagra Professional” not only scared me stiff, it made me wonder what warnings for that product there might be?! “If your penis exceeds three times its normal erect length, call 9-1-1”? I request your ideas for warnings in the comment section, below. But, that bit of housekeeping out of the way, let’s get to the letters, shall we?! They’re why we’re here, after all!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my mom is a rude, racist bitch from whom I’d love to have an excuse to keep my sons. She’s mean to me, she presses all of my buttons, and I am neither clever enough, nor snarky enough to deal with it, Prudie. And, fact is, I shouldn’t have to! I am this close to telling her that she can’t see her grandsons anymore if she keeps being so mean to me! Of course, I’ll couch it all in language about how I’m worried about how the boys will turn out (you know, because she’s such a powerful influence over them, while my husband and I are such weak, ineffectual ones). In truth, it’s very easy to remind the boys of correct manners after they visit her, but I need every tool I can get to deal with her bitchery. How can I accomplish this so that it looks like it’s her fault, which it so is? Signed, ‘Fraidy Cat Needing Leverage

Dear Wimpy. You are a wimp. How do you deal with your racist, foul-mouthed, mean mother? Well, first, by keeping your sons out of this. This is between you two. You and your mom. If you’re worried that you mom has more influence over your boys than you do, then, trust me, she does. But that’s not her fault. Fact is, you need to grow a sack of balls (don’t worry, they don’t have to be attached to you, and you don’t even have to touch them) and then beat her over the head with them! I’ve never, not even once in my life, met a racist idiot whose arguments and loud obnoxious behavior can’t be made to look foolish by simply walking away. You report that “she likes to have loud, racist arguments” with you. Okay, I know this is crazy, but, it sounds to me like you’re engaged in the arguments, too, as, otherwise, your mom would be having "loud, racist monologues." Quietly saying, “Mother, I’m not going to empower your discrimination,” and then leaving, is the proper solution. Her racist views are hers, and, hey, more power to her, but you are in no way required to be party to them. One day, when the boys aren’t around, call or speak with her and tell her that you will no longer engage in those conversations. That if she utters one word, you will simply leave. And then, do so. Not in a huff. Not angrily. Not making a scene. Simply collect your boys and leave. The angrier and louder she gets, the quieter and calmer you become (as you’re leaving). I assure you that if you stick to this, live by it, she’ll knock off the nastiness in short order. You can’t change her views, but you can keep yourself from being exposed to and victimized by them. As for your boys, what better model of how to handle nasty, racist, foul-mouthed people than that? Good luck!

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my daughter seems to have all but completely eliminated me from her life. As background, she’s in her early 30s, has a very strenuous job, and, is working toward a doctoral degree. Also, we are both broke, so we decided to suspend gift-giving in lieu of simply exchanging letters or calls during the holidays. I immediately broke this pact and have spent hours and days making her hand-crafted, extremely personal and touching gifts that only someone with a great deal of free time and love could make. In return, she’s not only not acknowledged receipt of the un-agreed-upon gifts of love and labor, she claims to have not even opened them (when I can get her on the phone to complain to her, that is). I have no clue what I could have possibly done to deserve such rude treatment, Prudie, and, too, I don’t know why she can’t be bothered to send me anything on Christmas or my birthday. She doesn’t even call! What should I do about my daughter being so rude? Signed, Shunned Parent

Dear Parent. So, what have you not told us? Don’t act like you’ve been forthcoming with all of the dirt. You should know that we know better than that. People who’ve happily gotten along all their lives don’t just cut off other people for no reason, so, you’re not telling us something. I’m not saying she’s in the right, but, there’s more to the story that you’re not sharing, and, if she was totally and obviously in the wrong, you’d have told us. So, what is it? Are you the racist prick from the letter above? Do you try to convince her that a Nigerian lawyer has a ton of money waiting for you in escrow if you can just pay him another $4,000 for administrative fees and that you need her help to do so? Are you smothering her at the busiest time of her entire life with volumes of handmade gifts that she can’t possibly reciprocate, and therefore crushing her under a mountain of guilt and self-loathing? If so, shame on you! Or, in an entirely other direction, perhaps she’s about to earn her Ph.D. and now just thinks she’s better than you, or embarrassed by you and your “cheap-present-making, homey” ways? That happens sometimes. People realize their dreams and feel as if they’ve ascended to a higher plane than others. If so, shame on her! Whatever is at fault here, though, there is something going on besides her being too busy. Prudie is right on. You need to let her know in a very short communiqué that, a) you miss her and want to talk to her, b) you know that something’s going on, but that you don’t know what (if, in fact, you don’t, which, I kinda doubt), and, c) tell her that if it’s something you can fix (that should be fixed), you will fix it (like, ahem, not crushing her with incredible hand-made gifts when she has no hope of reciprocating, you know, right after you’ve agreed to no gifts). If it’s not, you just want her to know that you’re there for her and that you’re proud of her. And then, you’ve got to do your best to let her go and take care of yourself. If you haven’t been a total and complete idiot to her, and/or, if she is a halfway decent person (she may not be), things will mend. In time. Good luck!

LW#3: Dear Prudie, Several years ago, at an office party, I boinked a smokin’ hot but emotionally unstable (and most probably drunk-at-the-time) colleague, and she got pregnant. You have to understand, though, Prudie, that I’m such a mama’s boy that getting to boink anyone was a treat for me! After she got pregnant, my colleague made me marry her, told me that I can’t talk to my mommy, is rude to my mommy, and, every time my mommy comes to visit, my wife is mean to her. Too, she’s refused counseling. I have a doctor who’s willing to see all three of us (my mother, my wife and I), but my wife refuses to go. What can I do? Signed, Torn Between Two Loves

Okay, I’m of two minds about your letter. On the one hand, it seems entirely possible that you hooked up with a succubus and that she is the embodiment of pure evil and will eventually suck your soul from your still-living body. On the other hand, you didn’t give a single solid example of your wife’s nuttery other than she’s “tempestuous” and that you two enjoy a “rocky but great” relationship. The generalized stuff about your wife not liking you talking with your mother is a non-starter as I imagine it’s happening when you two are in bed for the night, or perhaps while eating dinner. On the other, your mom really could be stirring the pot. And when you say things like, “my wife hates my mom for no good reason”, I sort of think, “Hmmm, I’m not sure I buy that.” You don’t strike me as a reliable narrator. Either you were dumb enough (or led by your loins enough) to enter into a relationship with a permanently PMSing she-squatch, or, you’re being duped by your mom. Or both. Either way, doesn’t bode well on your credibility. As for how to fix it, you’ve got to go borrow that sack I suggested for LW#1, attach it, tell your wife in no uncertain terms that, a) you are allowed to talk to your mom on the telephone (at reasonable, non-family function times, and, too, not so loud as to disrupt the rest of the house, just to prove you have someone to talk to), and that, b) you will see your mom on occasion. But, too, you’d better keep your antenna piqued for subversive language and actions from your mom that might be manipulating you. I suspect it’s a little of both, and, frankly, the weak link in this equation is you. I’m guessing you married your mom and are now trying to juggle the joy and drama of such an arrangement. Just wait until that “gorgeous” daughter of yours comes of age. Seriously, Dude.

LW#4: Dear Prudie. Is it appropriate for me to get something for Mother’s Day for my father’s girlfriend? Yaddah-yaddah-yaddah, lots of irrelevant background about my relationship with my mean mother and justification for getting a gift for my dad’s wonderful girlfriend and not my mother, yaddah-yaddah-yaddah. I don’t know what to do because my friend says it’s a sign of disrespect to my mom if I do get the gift. Signed, Conflicted

Dear Dumbass. You’re an adult. You can buy gifts for whomever you please. Tell your friend it’s a “thank-you” gift rather than a Mother’s Day gift if you want. Or, just recognize that it’s none of your friend’s business what you buy and for whom you buy it. However, and this is sort of important, I wouldn’t be getting a “mother’s day” gift for my dad’s girlfriend, no matter how great she was. That’s an awful lot of pressure to put on dad, you know? If you speak with him and he’s fine with that, okay. But, otherwise, especially because she was so gauche as to ask for a Mother’s Day gift for doing things for you, when, clearly she’s not your mom or step-mom, which could certainly be a manipulative ploy to get your dad to make her your step-mom, I’d buy the gift and give it to her the day before Mother’s Day, with a card that expresses thanks and gratitude, but that contains nothing specifically about moms. That’s what I’d do. And you did ask.

****
Okay, Shippers, that does it! I’m so glad to finally be through with the spring semester! Only two more semesters to go! Yay! I hope today’s letters find you happy and healthy and that the sun is shining on you, inside and out (well, not literally on your insides, as, you know, that’d be gross). Good cheer, fair winds, and following seas to you all, Shippers. Always.

...on More Assholes Than I Can Shake A Stick At!

2011-03-31T07:41:00.001-05:00

= Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? This is an abbreviated, quick post, but, I just couldn't help commenting today. I mean, holy smokes! I hoe to be back in full force soon, but, until then, here's hoping this will be a nice appetizer. Original letters are here: http://www.slate.com/id/2289917/ Enjoy!

LW#1: So, I know this may sound obvious, but, quit hanging around such assholes. It's not like they're everywhere. I know, I know, you say they are. Grow up. They're not. Most people are just like you, closer to the middle of the road, and think of the war as an unfortunate thing, but who absolutely don't blame our troops for anything (other than the occasional atrocity, for which those particular troops really should be blamed). Surrounding yourself with a higher class of person (e.g. above Cro-Magnon) is all you need do, and they are out there. You just need to find the courage to quit being a victim all your life.

LW#2: So, you squatting in the elevator doorway cleaning up your dog's poop didn't have anything at all to do with any of this? You're an asshole. An asshole for suggesting that this woman is at fault (it was an accident all around and you're at least equally to blame, if not more so, due to your failure to control your dog and his bowels), and an even bigger asshole for letting us know how much the dog you're about to buy will cost you when there are plenty of great dogs at the pound for virtually no money who'd love a good home (although, whoops, there you go--maybe that's why you're buying?).

LW#3: You're surrounded by assholes if they imply that you not going to the dinner is any indication about how you feel toward or sympathize with the widower, his family, or their late wife/mother. Further, what in the hell is wrong with simply saying to someone so rude if they are supposedly a friend, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but that is way out of the range of what I feel financially comfortable with contributing (this works for expensive birthday parties at seafood restaurants that you’re “invited” to and then expected to pay for, too)". If they're not your friends, but "friends" of the widow’s family, ignore their rude asshattery* just like you would a turd in an elevator--with disdain and fear that the owner might be looking toward you to fund their next status symbol.

LW#4: Derek is a cheater. And he's being an asshole to Cynthia. You can say something to Cynthia, as Prudie says, one time. That's it. And it can’t be personal and it better not denigrate Derek, because, when they get married, you’re then in a super bad spot. You can explain that you doubt he's being sincere in his explanation and that you don't believe it and that you fear that Cynthia is setting herself up for hurt, but, you’d better suggest you support her no matter what (if continued friendship is your aim). And then, as Prudie says, that's it. Anything more is meddling and at that point you have to decide if your friendship with Cynthia is more important than your judgment of her decisions. Oh, and, if you do decide to stay friends, you don't get to derisively bring up Derek at every chance and ask how he's "treating her". Not to say you would! Just sayin', ‘cause that’s an important point.

*all credit for the invention of this word and its use goes directly to MessyOne

Smagboy Bows Out of the Snark Game...For Now

2011-02-10T07:11:00.002-06:00

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? :-)

I hope that you’re all happy and healthy and rearin’ to go. First off, I have to apologize for my absence over the last few weeks. Work has been super busy. Busier than I ever remember it being, actually. Which I’m not complaining about! Please don’t think that I’m whining about work! But, too, school continues to take a lot of time. And, since I can’t sneakily do my schoolwork at my work-work anymore, it’s sort of snowballed into having a lot less free time all ‘round. But, I'm not here to whine. That’s not my shtick. So, instead, I’ll just say that I do apologize for not posting sooner, and that each of the last three weeks I’d hoped that it’d be my last week of absence and that I’d “be back next week, for sure!” I sort of placated myself with that promise...

Well, that hasn’t happened. And we’re now into four weeks in a row. So, instead of not addressing the issue, and, too, instead of writing a subpar column (which is something I fear has been going on for quite awhile, anyway--when does snark transform from edgy and fun to just cussing and being mean?), I’m going to officially bow out for awhile. I’m not leaving for good. I’m just taking a break. I’ll be back when I can give you and this space the effort you deserve.

I’ll miss you guys. I really appreciate all of the great conversations and good words over the years. And, like I say, I’ll be back. For reals! Much good cheer to you all, and, fair winds and following seas. 'Til next time... :-)

...on Anal, Pregnant, Divorced Dinner Partiers!

2011-01-14T09:14:00.006-06:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2280953/ (01/13/2011) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I hope that wherever you are you’re happy, healthy and warm (not necessarily in that order, depending on just how cold it is where you are, but, certainly all of those wishes in some order). I was traveling yesterday, so am late to the Lagoon, but I’m sure that my incredibly capable, witty and gorgeous Diving Buddy has kept you well-entertained? Did she cook for you? If no, that’s your loss, as there’s nothing in this world that she can’t prepare given even a meager stick, an aluminum pie pan, a paper clip, and a fire! Mmm-mmm! Anyhoo, I’m back, and, even though I can’t cook, and I’m not nearly as enchanting as my Diving Buddy, I hope these answers will serve as a nice addition to your visit. So, that said, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudence, I began dating a man last summer and we’ve gotten very serious. He’s the greatest man that ever entered into a relationship with anyone, ever, and I’m the luckiest person alive! The only snag is that now, after many months, he’s told me that he really enjoys anal sex. To the point that it’s a make-or-break requirement for the relationship! We’ve tried a couple of times, but I could never get comfortable. What should I do? Just go for it and see if I can learn to deal with it, or, tell him that I’ll never enjoy it as much as he does and have it end the relationship? Signed, I Like My Friends To Come Through The Front Door

Dear Back Door Lover Hater. You answer is simple. Your “great” catch of a man has explained how important anal sex is to his happiness in a relationship. You’ve simply got to decide if he’s worth it. That’s it. Period. Provided he’s not an evil, manipulative asshole (other than over this issue), it’s honestly as simple as that. That may sound like I’m encouraging you to bite the bullet and give him the anal sex he desires. I’m not. I’m asking you to pull out a set of scales and weigh the pros and cons. Honestly weigh them. Fact is, you may come to enjoy anal sex, but, you may also come to resent the hell out of it, with each session feeling more and more like a defeat at his hands rather than like the wonderful, mutual, consensual and enjoyable act it should be. Seems to me that anyone, after so many months, who places a requirement like that on a relationship, isn’t worth it. But, that’s just me. At the same time, he’s made his position exceptionally clear, which is sort of honorable in its own way. You’ve got to make your decision and you’re the only one who can do it. If you do want to give it a try, one would hope such a “great” catch as your boyfriend supposedly is would understand your reservations and try to accommodate them by attempting to make you feel loved and comfortable and that you’re in a safe and trustworthy place. If he can’t manage that? Then your scales are broken if you choose him regarding any ultimatum he gives.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’m in my mid-20s, pregnant, and happily engaged. My future MIL is thrilled with the news of our upcoming nuptials and the future family member. So much so, in fact, that she’s offered, as a gift, to pay off my considerable student loans. My future husband supports this idea as it would take significant financial strain off of us as we head into the future. My future SILs, two women in their 40s and childless, are not so excited, however. One even accused me of getting pregnant for the financial gain! I would love to accept the money, Prudie, but don’t want to ruin what I hope will be a good and lengthy relationship with my future SILs. What should I do? Signed, Between a Financial Rock and a Family Member Hard Place

Dear Stuck. This is a nasty situation, and one that you should not be having to handle, nor even involved in, actually. This one is for your future husband to handle between his sisters and their mother. One can understand, for example, if you’d just met your husband three months ago, got pregnant, engaged and moved-in together in that time span, how the sisters might be concerned about a significant outlay of what they see as part of their future inheritance--and to an essentially-unknown person! That’s just raw human nature, frankly, and actually understandable on a base level (if not at all savory). What’s not human nature, however, is the sister actually saying anything about it, since, a) it’s not her money to give, and, b) it’s none of her fucking business! What this whole situation for you is is a harbinger. Heed it. But, too, what’s said is said, and there’s no putting that genie back in the bottle. I would suggest that your future-husband take the following steps. Step 1, talk to the mother and sisters, together, about the concerns. Step 2, have the gift be to him, not to you, for him to use as he sees fit. You should not accept the gift from the future MIL as you don't need to be in debt to her in any way. Step 3, agree that if no other similar gifts have ever been given to the other sisters, that you and your husband will accept an amount of inheritance less than the others by the amount of the gift now, or, that the mother should give equal-valued gifts to the sisters. If the sisters have any issues after that? You have no future relationship with them anyway, and should ignore them from here on out until they can act like adults. I realize this seems a very pragmatic and sterile way to handle this issue, which is, essentially, your future MIL’s, and only your future MIL’s business to handle. But, alas, family drama is as family drama does. Such is life. Good luck!

LW#3: Dear Prudie: My parents divorced when I was young and so I grew up living with my mother. My father remarried to a heinous, evil, conniving, jealous bitch of a woman. She made it known over the years that I was not only unwelcome in her home, but that I was a nuisance when there (they lived on another coast and I visited over the summer, etc.). Well, after high school, my father agreed to pay for my college education. Things were all set, but then my step mother called one day and said that my father had had a heart attack and that his dying wish was to see me, but that she wasn’t going to allow it. This turned out to be a complete lie. After that, I broke ties with that side of the family and have lived over a decade without hearing from them. Recently, my step sister and father have tried to make contact, but I’m very uncomfortable with the idea. Should I tell my father what his wife did? Should I explain myself? Signed, Shunned

Dear Shunned Daughter. You were very young at the time and so probably hadn’t learned to stand up for yourself, which perhaps explains why you didn't say something then. But you’re a full-grown adult now. You’ve got an easy decision to make. Do you want a relationship with your father or not? And, know that you don’t have to make a permanent decision! You can say to yourself, “I think I want a trial period to see if he’s worth it.” You’re allowed! If you decide yes, then you’ve got to, a) tell your father exactly what happened, and, b) tell him that he chose his wife over you back then, that you’re sure that he knew and knows what type of woman she is, and that, now that you’re an adult, you will hold him responsible for being one, too. Explain that you won’t play his wife's games, that you won’t enter into any more family drama, and that you won’t be manipulated by his wife in any way. Tell him that if he wants a relationship with you, it’ll be one that first proves that you’re not chattel to be discarded every time his wife comes up with some new story about you. Finally, tell him that the kind of threat your step mother made was more serious than you ever care to deal with again, that it wasn’t just jealous, it was mean, manipulative and shitty, and that if he doesn’t address it with her now and in the future, you won’t ever be in her presence again. And mean it. Those should be the only conditions under which you're willing to try.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, my husband and I throw parties and dinners pretty frequently and mostly really enjoy the experience. One couple that we often invite is sort of an exception. They’re wonderful people, but, they don’t know when to go home, often staying hours past other guests, and sometimes even past midnight! What can we do? Does etiquette allow for kicking them out? What’s most strange is that the wife of this couple is an etiquette maven and gets very bent out of shape when breaches occur. How to handle this? Signed, (Mostly) Happy Partiers

Dear Hostess, you’ve got to let your expectations be known upfront, in the invitations to your parties. You can even use the suffix “-ish” after the quitting time, if you want to remain a little flexible, but, list the end time, no matter what. If your friends stay later than you want, simply say, “Jack and Jill, we’ve had a wonderful time, but, we’ve got a busy day tomorrow and need to wrap things up. We look forward to seeing you soon.” Do not, under any circumstances, explain what’s busy about your tomorrow. If Jill sees this as a social faux pas, so be it. Because you’ve made your intentions clear on your invitation, no one will give a shit what Jill thinks about it. And, if she does make too much of a big deal about it, one wonders what could be so great about having Jack and Jill over in the first place? As a caveat, however, I suspect that Jack and Jill might just feel really comfortable with you, and feel that their relationship with you is closer and more special than with other party goers, and they may believe that you actually enjoy the after-party alone time with them as much as they enjoy spending time with you. By being clear in your invitations, and then gentle but direct in your request that the party end, you allow them a graceful out and get your wish, too. Here’s hoping!

****
Well, Shippers, that’s it from this side of the Lagoon. I smell some lovely cooking from the other side, though, and, mistaken or not, I think that I actually hear someone watching an NCIS marathon over there?! Well, Shippers, sorry to be rude, but, NCIS means that this party’s over! I’m heading over to the other side! Fair winds and following seas, Shippers!

...on Sex Offenders, Gift Un-givers, Fired Colleagues, and Cheaters

2011-01-06T09:13:00.009-06:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2280118/ (01/06/2011) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! And ahoy to you all in this new and wonderful year! How are you all? How did your New Year’s celebrations go? Did you enjoy your holidays? I sure hope so--at least more than our letter writers appear to have! I’m writing to you this week from the Fatherland (Germany). So, if I’m even more cranky than normal, you’ll know why (you know the Germans--very straightforward and cranky)! ;-) Plus, it’s tough for a Submariner to be away from his Lagoon. But, I’ll be back Home soonest and all will be well. With that in mind, and with all proper pleasantries extended, let’s get crackin’ on these letters, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my youngest sister has been dating her current boyfriend for several months. When I asked her recently why he’d never been to any family events, she informed me that he is a convicted sex offender and that he is not allowed around children. As you may imagine, I was quite shocked by this news. My sister informs me that her boyfriend is not really guilty, that he was represented by a terrible lawyer, and that the only reason he pled guilty was to save his family from the pain of a trial (he was accused of molesting his younger sister when he was a mid-teen). However, being a lawyer, I found out that the boyfriend was actually represented by an excellent lawyer and that he pled guilty only after his abused sister attempted suicide during the trial. As a result, our family does not plan on allowing the boyfriend to any family functions. My sister says that she loves this man and that we are being un-Christian toward him. What can we do? Signed, A Liar In Our Midst

Dear Judge Lawyer Brother/Sister. You know what? I can think of several circumstances under which an excellent lawyer might end up doing a shitty job of defending someone (and thus making said someone think the lawyer is shitty) and under which a younger sister would attempt suicide mid-trial, none of which have anything to do with this man being guilty. However, I can also follow and understand your logic that he’s an unrepentant child molesting monster. And, fact is, your family, as parents and as those responsible for children, have a responsibility to said children that has nothing to do with being good or poor Christians. If she were here in front of me, I’d beat your sister silly with a rubber hose for playing such a fucked up “good Christian” card as some sort of trump to you protecting your family's children. Your sister is being un-human if she can’t see why you’re worried. Fact is, though, there’s middle ground to be had here. You can explain to your sister that you’re uncomfortable with her boyfriend being around the family’s children (and you can explain why by telling her what you've found out), but you can also allow that you’d be willing to meet him in an adults-only setting (dinner out perhaps, or at her place?) in a good faith effort to try to see in him what she does. This would show love and support for your sister without placing your family’s children at risk. Further, though, for your sister’s sake, and for yours, you need to be honest with her. She hasn’t tried to sneak him around your family without informing you of his past, so, acknowledge at least that amount of respect on her part. Good luck.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I have a Christmas present problem. I warned my in-laws that I would not be able to buy presents up to my usual standard of monetary value due to tough financial times. I did buy presents, though, just not super-expensive ones. Well, my mother-in-law sent me a super-expensive purse as a present, but, upon receiving my present for her (a nice, but modest perfume), she became enraged, called me a “cheapskate” and a “dumb bimbo” for not knowing about her being allergic to the perfume, and then she demanded that I return the purse she'd given me! I was quite shocked by this and don’t know what to do? How should I respond to my mother-in-law’s actions? Signed, Befuddled and Bedamned

Dear Befudamned. This one is simple. Send back the purse without comment. No letter or card or even the tiniest little note. Just package the purse safely and send it back. Immediately. However, know right down to the sole of your heart that only asshole, shitbag, fucktarded bitches pull shit like your MIL just pulled, so, make sure to let your husband know that you will not be dealing with your MIL anymore. Ever. This means no talking to her, no communicating with her, no more sending or receiving any gifts from her, or anything else! Nothing. And you should 100% mean it, and be happy about it! You’re justified. But frankly, that's the easy part. What's tougher is the overall relationship. For the record, I don’t understand all of the “I”s in your letter as opposed “we”s? Why wasn’t your husband involved in the gift-giving with your in-laws (and thus the subsequent backlash)? Why hasn't he intervened on your behalf, or given back his present from your MIL? Whatever the reasons, you can now wash your hands of this old crazy bitch and know full well that you’re in the right. Sometimes it’s better to just buck up and be a better human being. This isn’t one of them, though. Not after what she did and said to you. Unless she apologizes (and not with some bauble, but really and genuinely), she should be persona non grata to you. Enjoy the newfound freedom from Crazy Town!

LW#3: Dear Prudie. Recently, a co-worker was fired even though he’s a very talented, skilled worker when it comes to the technical part of the job. The problem was that he’s very socially awkward and repeatedly failed miserably at that part of his job. He expressed disappointment at losing his job, revealing he’d lost several others prior to this one. I’m not a doctor, but I feel certain his job record is because he has Asperger’s Syndrome. Is there a way that I can suggest he consult a doctor to see? He’s a young man and could have a long and successful career if he could address his social issues. How can I suggest this? Signed, Wanting To Help

Dear Helpful. If I were in your shoes, I’d cut and paste the body of your letter, erase the beginning and end parts that are addressed specifically to Prudie, and send it to your friend via e-mail. Just say, “Look, you expressed concern about losing your job, and I want you to know that your technical skill is highly admired and recognized, but...” You can even send it anonymously via a throw away e-mail account. Or anonymously via snail mail. You don’t even have to mention Asperger’s Syndrome. You could simply mention specific “social skill issues that need addressing, like...” and suggest that they may be due to anything from general awkwardness to various medical conditions, all of which can be addressed by a trained physician and research. By not offering a specific diagnosis (especially since you are not a doctor), perhaps your former colleague will be even more apt to pursue a fix (as opposed to reading a specific suggested diagnosis from you and then clamming up because he doesn’t want/like a specific label). Don’t talk yourself out of this deed, though, as the potential good you can do far outweighs any potential negatives. And good on you for wanting to help! It seems that not many people do nowadays!

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I occasionally play very serious poker with a group of friends and acquaintances. There is a great deal of money at stake, but, we are all friends and mature adults and the evenings are always truly enjoyable. Recently, two members of the group pointed out to me that a friend that I’d suggested and introduced to the group was cheating during our most recent game. I’m not surprised by this accusation and now find myself in the position of addressing the issue. How do I proceed? Do I ask my friend for the money back that he won? How can I ask him to leave without affecting my friendship with him? Signed, You’ve Got To Know When To Fold ‘Em

Dear Sympathy for the Devil. This one is easy, too. Just tell your friend what you told Prudie. Simply say, “Joe, a couple of folks in the group have accused you of cheating last time around. They don’t want you back, and, as the one who introduced you, I was elected to tell you. I still want to be friends, though, so I hope that you remember that I’m just the messenger, but, for whatever it’s worth, you’re no longer welcome at the games.” Fact is, though, I’m curious as to why you’re okay with Joe’s cheating at a high stakes poker game? Especially after you introduced him to the group? I have to assume that you have so much discretionary income that the loss of money due to someone actually cheating, is no big deal? And, that the income is so significant that you don't value it enough to understand that you should be horrified that your “friend” would take money from people you’d introduced him to?! Where are your priorities, man? Where’s your moral outrage? Do you have a trust fund or something? But hell, if you’re truly okay with this type of behavior, can you give me a few night’s worth of your winnings? You know, just for my brilliant advice?

****
Well, Shippers, that’s it. May 2011 be your best year ever! And, as always, fair winds and following seas to you all. ‘Til next week, then...

...on Crazy Exes, Crazy Bank Mistakes (or not), and Crazy Crazies!

2010-12-30T10:28:00.003-06:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2278304/ (12/30/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine post-Christmas, post-Solstice, post-Hanukah day? Did you have a wonderful day(s)? How is everything? I hope that you’re all wonderfully well, sipping coffee (perhaps a medium Columbian roast, freshly ground from a local shop?), or tea (some English Breakfast?), or, your own favorite beverage prepared in your own favorite way (like, maybe a float concocted of homemade ice cream!), and, that you’re enjoying the wonderful day! In that state of being, new letters are like the cream in the coffee or the sauce on the ice cream, eh? :-) So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’ on ‘em, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie. I was married to my ex-wife for seven years. Right about the time that the infamous itch kicked in, she made the decision to quit having sex with me. She said that she was doing this due to my indecision about starting a family. Prudie, fact is, I wasn’t sure of a lot of things regarding our relationship, but, what I was sure of, even if it was just a whisper in my soul, was that I didn’t want to have kids in that situation. Well, things deteriorated and we divorced. Now, two years later, I’m engaged to be married to my newly-pregnant girlfriend. Strange thing is, I’m thrilled about this pregnancy and can’t wait to be a father! Unfortunately, because my ex-wife and I have many friends in common, she found out about the pregnancy and called me in a livid rage, blaming me for the demise of our marriage and saying that I should have told her personally about the pregnancy! I disagree. Was I insensitive not to tell her? Is she right to be angry with me because I'm happy about my impending fatherhood? Signed, (I Have A Working) Dick

Dear Daddy Dicky. Okay, news flash, you really are the reason (or at least half of the reason) for your former marriage’s collapse. And, while that sucks balls to think in those terms (because you sound like a decent-enough fellow and probably don’t like to think that you caused anyone any pain), it’s just a fact. Fact is that your ex loved you (ostensibly), wanted to have kids with you (assuredly), thought you were the bomb-diggity-bomb with the magic sperm, and, the cat’s meow! But, regardless of the reason, it wasn’t working for you. So much so that, after having been married to a woman for seven years, you didn’t want to have kids and didn't know if you ever would. Things just didn’t work out, Dude. And that happens sometimes. You both need to come to terms with that fact. And, unless you and your ex-wife were still very good friends (speaking frequently, getting coffee, etc.), which, you specifically said was not the case, then you most certainly should not have told her anything about your fiancée’s pregnancy! It’s absolutely, 100% none of her business! And your response when she called? It should have been, “Martha, I’m sorry that you feel that way.” Click. Shitake! As for your question, there’s no agreeing or not agreeing with your ex in this, Dick, as she’s your ex. And whoever's "right" or "wrong" is completely irrelevant. At this point, you guys are just two people pissing on each other. Be the bigger person and politely hang up next time. Plus, your non-ex, the one who’s carrying a baby the two of you created? Yeah, there’s where your focus should be. Just sayin’.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my very generous friend sent me a $1,000 cashier’s check to cover travel expenses for a cross-country trip to see her. She then made and paid for non-refundable plane reservations. I’m in debt, work at a minimum wage job and live on a shoestring. When I deposited the check that she sent, it bounced because it was unsigned. As this was during bill-paying time, it racked up ruinous overdraft fees for me in a nasty cascading effect the likes of which have never been seen short of a domino toppling event attended entirely by crack addicts. I had to take out a loan just to cover my living expenses! I obviously can’t travel now, and my friend, believe it or not, demands that I pay back not only the original check, but the plane fare, too! I’m understandably bitter about this! What can I do? Signed, Banks are Mysterious, Like, Impossibly So

Dear Lying Liar and Who Lies. You are a liar. Or, if not, you’re a Class 4, Grade A Idiot. I’m not sure which, but, it doesn’t really matter because the result is the same. Here, let’s do the math. If this was a normal month and you were paying bills and had enough in your account to cover those bills, those checks wouldn’t have bounced, right? Right! And, if they had bounced, that would have been on you, right? And then, when you had to take out a loan to live on, you wouldn’t have been mad at anyone but yourself, right? Now, let’s get to your friend’s mysterious, unsigned, bouncing cashier’s check that apparently up and caused all of this mayhem? Um, no. If you deposited a check that didn’t meet your bank’s requirements for deposit, they’re not going to charge you for it. They’re going to simply not credit your account. And, since we’re on the topic, the bank cashier is the one who “signs” cashier’s checks, not the person who buys it--that’s why it’s called a “cashier’s” check. These checks either get credited to your account or they don’t. The only way it’d not be credited is if your friend cancelled it. What happened, I suspect, was that (for some reason) you were writing checks against that $1,000 check before it had cleared. And when those checks hit, you overdrew your account. And you were charged for that mistake over and over due to your own idiocy. I hate to get all math professor on your ass, but, I’m pretty sure you know exactly happened here, just as well as I do. And, news flash, so does your probably now ex-friend. As for paying her back, that’s on you, but, as for your bitterness? Have a look in the mirror. There’s the person who deserves that nastiness, not your friend.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, my business partner (and very good friend) unexpectedly lost her father two years ago. His death has been devastating on her. Since then, she’s gone off radar two or three times a year, sometimes breaking down completely and becoming entirely unable to function. Prudie, I’ve tried to be personally supportive and as good a friend as I can be. I’ve tried to carry the business during these increasingly difficult and lengthy grief breakdowns. But, Prudie, I can’t keep on doing it! The holidays are especially bad because it’s the anniversary of his death and she’s already pre-declared her inability to get any work done. At what point is it okay to tell her that she’s hurting our business and testing our friendship? Signed, Torn Between Duty and Friendship

Dear Torn. This is a tough spot to be in, and I certainly don’t envy you. You’ve got to talk to your friend as a friend, not as a business partner, and tell her that she needs professional help. That her grief is affecting her to a point that is well beyond what is healthy, and that you’re concerned for her mental wellbeing. Telling people who are emotionally compromised that they need to just “buck the fuck up” isn’t going to do anyone any good. And while we can all e-guess at her diagnosis, it’s clear at this point that she needs professional help to get at the cause of her symptoms. My e-opinion (as a certified e-doctor) is that this goes way beyond her father’s death. I e-believe that his passing was only the catalyst to this current state of being--one that had been brewing for quite some time. As for the professional side of things, instead of saying to her that she’s not pulling her weight, how about talking to her about bringing on someone part time until she gets back on her feet? Tell her that you think it’s best because you want her to be able to focus on her health, but, make sure that this isn’t a move on your part to squeeze her out of the business that she co-founded with you! If it is, you need to be honest and tell her that you want to move on professionally. Of course, if this is the case, be ready to lose her personally, too.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’m a junior in college who has a boyfriend who says we’re in a very mature and wonderful relationship (we’ve been together for five years), and that he’s the bestest guy ever for me because he knows what’s best for us both. My problem? I really want to travel the world and study abroad, but, my boyfriend says that I shouldn’t. He says that it’d cost me too much money and that I should wait until we can afford to do it together. But Prudie, the desire to travel and see the world is part of my very essence and I feel as if I don’t go soon, I’ll burst. What can I do? Signed, I Have No Clue At All Why The Caged Bird Sings

Dear Birdie. Let me explain to you what’s going on. Your boyfriend is scared he’s going to lose you. And so he’s manipulating you into staying (consciously or no). And, fact is, he’s not ever going to be interested in travel the way you are. He’ll stand for two minutes in front of the Eiffel Tower and say, “Yep. Seen it. Let’s go home.” That’s assuming you can even get him to take one trip with you. You two don’t have a mature relationship. You don’t know what that is. And that's okay! I don’t mean that in a mean way! I’m sure that you two are very nice people, but, what you have is a relationship in which two people who should be enjoying the greatest and most carefree times of their lives are talking about finances and the future when both members aren't ready for that (perhaps neither are!). Further, the relationshiop is one in which the interests and priorities of the participants are vastly divergent. Listen, almost every single old, crusty, long-in-the-tooth (but wise) person you talk to about this (save for his parents, and certain Republicans who think that all other countries are run by pansies and/or communists) will tell you the exact same thing. Go! Go have the time of your life! Travel! Write! Paint! Learn the language, experience the world, see the sites and experience the love. Live, Birdie! You don’t get this chance often, and if your boyfriend would hold you back when you have such a chance, he’s either a well-meaning, but ignorant youngman, or, he’s willfully caging you. But out of fear, not love. You have to figure out if you want to be with someone who could be and/or do either. Plus, you already know what you want. So, go! And when you do, don’t be constantly calling and texting and chatting with him. Live in the moment and experience the life where you are! Promise a call or e-mail per week or something but otherwise, live! If, when you return (if you return), you two still click, great! You'll have something wonderful to share. But, if you don’t, wouldn’t it be better to find out now rather than in seven years (re: LW#1)? Good luck! And enjoy Paris! It’s beautiful every time of year!

****
Well, that’s it, Shippers! Here’s hoping that 2010 was a wonderful, incredible year. And that 2011 will be even better. Times two! See you all on the other side, and, fair winds and following seas to ya all!

...on Potentially-Gay Sons In Skirts and Not-So-Potential Asshole Husbands-in-Law

2010-12-23T07:54:00.011-06:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2277578/ (12/23/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! And happy holidays to you all! No, I will not qualify that salutation--it’s all-inclusive, which means it’s not, in any way, exclusive. Got me? ‘Cause, you know, I don’t want to have to pull out the snark stick on any of my Shippers! But, if I hear one more “what happened to Merry Christmas, Smag?”, I think I might just have to open up that can! Don’t think I won't pull this car over right now and do it! The joy of the holidays, eh? Brings out the best in us all! ;-) Anyhoo, we’ve got letters for Christmas Eve's Eve! Woo-hoo! So let’s get crackin’ on ‘em, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I have a wonderful five-year-old son. He’s incredibly bright, artistic and thoughtful. Recently, though, my wife and I have developed a concern. Prudie, our son sometimes likes to dress up as a girl with his mother’s clothes and jewelry. And, fact is, that would be fine, but, now he’s asked Santa for a skirt of his own. And not just any skirt, but an absolutely fabulous one. Of his own! And Prudie, I’ll be honest, my wife and I don’t know how to handle it. We want him to be who he is, we really do, but, we also know that he’ll eventually want to wear the skirt outside the house. And that’s something we just can’t abide. Yet, we know he’ll be heartbroken if Santa doesn’t bring him a skirt. What can we do? Signed, We Love Our Cross-dressing Gay Son

Dear Meet the Gleekers. While I certainly understand and appreciate your concern, I want you to recognize that the gift and teaching your son where it’s appropriate to be used is a dynamic that exists with most any gift you might give. If you bought him a Red Ryder BB Gun, for example, would you have a problem telling him that he most certainly may not, ever, shoot it indoors? Nor at other kids? Nope. You wouldn’t even flinch. And what about the warnings of shooting his eye out? So, it’s not the gift that’s at issue here, or when and where it’s to be used. It’s just you. And I’m not trying to be mean here! I just want you to recognize the dynamic that’s actually at work. You and your wife need to simply be parents and explain to your son in age-appropriate terms the reactions he might get, and why. Just like you would with the BB gun. And you two need to be comfortable enough with the subject and with how to explain it so that he understands that he is always safe with you. It's a tough line to walk, and I don't envy you, but, the worst thing you can do is have this talk be about any sort of shame or about anything to do with you or your wife! Do some research, solicit some help about what to say and how to say it, and then, embrace whatever may come. This may be a phase. It may not. But he is your son, regardless. And denying him a skirt won't change who he is any more than giving him one would. So, fuck what other people think and engage your son and be part of his strength and security in the world. And, if it were me in your shoes and he was my wonderfully brilliant son? I’d buy him some costume jewelry, fabulous elbow-length dinner gloves, and a boa, too.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my sister-in-law just married the biggest asshole in the Western Hemisphere. He is an arrogant, rude, know-it-all, and, he seems to not only enjoy, but revel in talking down to all of us (the whole rest of my sister-in-law and husband’s family). Prudie, I’m afraid that someone’s going to punch him! Is it appropriate for one of us to have a talk with my SIL about the family shunning her new husband? My SIL is so sweet, and this is such a shame, but, assholes are as assholes do. Signed, We’ve Had It Up To Our Butts With This Asshole

Dear New Member of the “We’ve All Got One” Club. Count yourself lucky she just recently married the asshole and that you haven’t had to deal with him before now! No, I know, my gloating is not helpful. I’m sorry. Truthfully, I think the appropriateness of having a talk with your SIL or her husband is determined by your family members individually. Just because you’re fed up doesn’t mean that anyone else is (they might just be agreeing with you to keep you from being an asshole!). Then again, you all might be fed up with this guy! Regardless, don’t say a word to your SIL unless dealing with the inevitable shit storm and its after effects will be less uncomfortable for everyone than the SIL’s husband's status quo (and you might already be there). I agree that, at some point, someone might have to say to your SIL, “Jill, I’m sorry, but Jack isn’t welcome here.” Be very, very careful about deciding that you’re at that point, though. The decision to go there should be unanimous within the family, and unforced by anyone. And, too, recognize that very little good will come of it. Sometimes, it’s better to let a boar be a boar and enjoy the schadenfreude, than it is to lower oneself to the boar’s level.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I recently broke up with a long-term boyfriend due to his serial infidelity. With the holidays coming up, I want to make sure that his family knows that I didn’t break up with him over some stupid argument, and that, in fact, it was because he is a cheating bastard. And, I want them to side with me! I love each and every one of them like they were my long-lost family, Prudie. Honest! Why, we’re even friends on FaceBook. If that isn’t proof-positive, I don’t know what is! Isn’t there a way that I can let them all know that I’m not the bad guy here? Or should I just quietly disappear? Signed, Broken Hearted, But Not At Fault

Dear Thinking Too Hard About This. You need to check your motives here, Missy/Mister. If you really, truly like certain members of this family, why are you “disappearing” from their lives? I’m not suggesting that you take a casserole over for Christmas dinner, but, my guess is that you’re only “close” to them around the holidays because you visited them with your boyfriend. If your relationship really was close with some of them, they’d know already exactly what went on, and why. And you’d know that they know. But, fact is, what’s really at work here is that it chaps your ass to think that your ex might be telling stories about you and that these folks, with their dickeys and shiny white shoes, drinking eggnog out of moose head-shaped cups and laughing, might actually believe him. Listen, I’m going to give you some advice here that I know that you won’t follow, but, it’s what I do. Ready? Fuck him! Fuck them! Get on with your life! Holy shit, Woman/Dude! Listen, the people that matter already know what went on. Those who don’t matter? Well, they don’t matter. And this guy's family? They don't matter. And here’s another thing, just in case you didn’t notice: you broke up with him. Time to quit letting him rent so much damned space in your head! You’re better off without him and his indiscriminate penis.

And, as a special P.S., if you really like a family member of a boyfriend, as in, you know, think they’re all great and wonderful and awesome, and if the two of you share a great relationship that is separate and real, a breakup from your boyfriend won’t prevent future contact with that person. Just sayin’ you need to realize who these people really are, and to analyze why you’re still worried about them.

LW#4: Dear Prudie. I had a friend of several years who totally and completely and without cause, without rhyme or reason or even so much as a final toodle-do, just quit talking to me. She just got “too busy”, quit calling me (or returning my many calls), and seems to have even forgotten my e-mail address! This is inexplicable, Prudie. I’m an excellent friend! So excellent, in fact, that, you know, just for example, a few years ago, I handmade for her an outstanding Christmas gift that I bet she’s now keeping in a box in her basement. Yes, okay, fine, I admit it, I solicited a mutual friend to surreptitiously ask her about the gift, where it was, what her plans are for it, if it’s properly willed back to me in case of her death, and, you know, several other details too mundane to go into here. And, since it is such a great gift, I would like to ask for it back. But, you know, only if she doesn’t value it anymore (as I don’t want to be mean, as I am a great person, as I mentioned). But, you know, ~~since~~ if it’s just in a basement, collecting dust? What do you think? Signed, I Really Am a Good Friend. Honest!

Dear Protesteth Way The Fucketh Too Much. Are you serious right now? There’s really no way that you’re serious. Is there? Jerry fucking Garcia And The Five Horsemen of the Apocolypse on a popsicle stick! You are serious! Listen here, Assmuch, you need serious and real professional help. You are the kind of asshole that embarrasses asshole clubs. You are the kind that makes even long-term members of Unapologetic Assholes Anonymous shudder with the heebie jeebies due to your assholeness. You make the new husband from LW#2 look like the Patron Saint of Compassion! Listen, you say the friendship ended “inexplicably”? I say that it’s obvious as fuck why it ended, and that you asking for your macaroni self portrait to be returned won’t change a single thing about that. So, why not. It’d be just another story (in what I'm certain is a long line of them) for your newly-fortunate ex-friend to remember as to why she is, in fact, your ex-friend.

****
Well, Shippers, that about does it! I wish you all the happiest of holiday seasons and many happy returns. I know that, for some of you, Christmas Day is the coup de grâce, but that, for others, the holidays run well into even late January (and maybe even early February?). I wish you all the happiest of seasons, regardless of their beginning or end, and, much love, happiness, and, of course, as much snark as you could ever desire. Fair winds and following seas to you all, Shippers!

...on Control Freak Boyfriends and Various Holiday Cheer

2010-12-16T08:54:00.005-06:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2277398/ (12/16/2010) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine winter Prudie Day? Are you enjoying the snow? The sleet? Or, perhaps you have balmy weather and bikinis? Regardless, in whatever latitude you find yourself, may your day and week be lovely. And, may your various celebrations during this time of year be joyous, however it is that they manifest themselves! And with that convoluted thought, I contend that it’s time to celebrate a new batch of letters with, well, responses! So, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my boyfriend wants me to take a lie detector test prior to asking me to marry him. He caught me in a couple of white lies early in our relationship (regarding things that happened prior to my meeting him), and has since said that if he can’t trust me in those things, he can’t trust me enough to marry me. He’s a great guy, Prudie, and, obviously I’d like to marry him, but, is this kind of request normal? Or, is it a sign of overall problems in our relationship? Signed, No Lie Detector for Me--Probably

Dear Abuse Victim. I am normally very snarky and flip with my answers. I can’t be in this case. You are being abused. You are being manipulated. You are in a destructive, oppressive, soul-crushing relationship that will only get worse with time, until, finally, one day, you will have been completely erased. The fact that you’re even questioning the sanity of the “request” of this asshole you call a boyfriend is proof of that, even if you can’t see it. Please leave him. Please get out of the relationship today. This moment. Your jackass, abusive boyfriend will be angry. Or, he’ll cry--it just depends on what best pushes your buttons. Regardless of how he does it, though, if you turn to leave, he’ll plead with you. He’ll attempt to manipulate you. He’ll claim that he’ll get better. Or, he’ll say that you have nowhere to go, that you’re nothing without him. He’ll promise you anything to keep you, up to, and likely including, offering to marry you. I can’t stress this enough: do not fall for it! You are a victim and in the middle of a highly destructive relationship. I realize that you can’t see that right now. You’re likely wondering, “Why in the hell is SmagBoy using such strong language? It’s not that bad.” Listen to me. It is that bad. You need help. Please, for the love of all that is living, enlist any true friends and/or family that he hasn’t already managed to alienate you from and get out today. Right now. Every moment that you hesitate is a moment that he sinks his claws deeper into you and one more piece of your soul that gets locked away. I implore you to leave him. It doesn’t matter if you have holiday plans. They’re nothing compared to the danger you’re in. You can make new plans! He may call you names, curse you to his friends. So what. Even if you can’t see why, please trust me in how important this is. And then, after you get out, as soon as you can, you need to find counseling. This is vital. You must figure out what was happening, how it happened, and what you can do to prevent it from happening again. Good luck, and, please hear me on this--trust me, I don’t break character for nothing.

LW#2: Dear Prudie. For years, my dad ate poorly, didn’t exercise, lazed about, contracted diabetes (though didn’t know it), and, as a result, became extremely overweight, had a heart attack, and nearly died. For about a year after that, he was better and took care of himself. But, since then, he’s gone back to his old ways and is eating everything in sight and, well, obviously, gaining weight. Further, my sister and I suspect that he hasn’t been to his cardiologist in over a year. Whenever anyone brings up any of this, my father goes into a screaming fit of pique. My mother has given up. To add to my concern, we’re planning a Christmas trip to a third world country where we’ll do lots of hiking. We’re all worried that my dad will become ill and require medical care, but that, given the location, there won’t be adequate care and he’ll die. What can we do? Signed, Worried Daughter

Dear Daughter. Here’s one of life’s toughest lessons: you can’t control anyone but yourself. You can ask, you can plead, but, in the end, you can’t be your father’s hands or his mouth. And, if you’ve talked to him about your concerns and he can’t or won’t change, there’s nothing you can do to change him. But, remember what thing I said that you can control? Yourself. So, if taking this trip worries you, if it seems as if it's the worst possible idea in the history of ideas, you can simply choose not to go. I wouldn’t want to come to associate the holidays with the vivid memories of the terrible death of a beloved family member, either. I mean, hell, what if there are canibals there and they eat his dead, cake-laden flesh?! I wish I had more for you, but, some life lessons truly are that simple. Or maybe I’m just off my game after the first letter? Nah. Regardless, good luck to you and your family. May your father see the error of his ways before it’s too late and may you have together many more holidays to come.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I’ve worked for the same, privately-owned company for ten years. I’ve never gotten a single raise. Yet, each year, we’re asked to donate more and more of our salary to a company-approved charity. Further, we’ve recently been asked to contribute more to our health insurance costs, and, frankly, I just won’t have the money to contribute more to health insurance and keep up with the Joneses regarding charitable donations. What should I do? Signed, Charitably Uncomfortable

Dear Bob Cratchit. You surely do have some patience! Holy smokes! Listen, you’ve got to do only what you can do. And, if your disposable income has decreased by X percent due to healthcare payments that have increased by X percent, you can, with an unburdened heart and free conscience, contribute that much less to the company’s charity. As a matter of fact, on the donation form, you could even enter what you would have contributed, then, a minus sign with the X percent after. Title that minus section “healthcare increases”. Then, enter the final sum. If questioned, you can say, and quite righteously, “Listen, Mr. Scrooge, I’ve worked here for ten years without a single raise. My less-expensive healthcare benefits and your stone cold companionship were my only comforts. Not even any coal for heat! Now that I have to pay more for healthcare, with no raise, in ten years (did I mention), I have no choice but to reduce my charitable donations.” Personally? I’d look for another job. But I’m not patient like you. At all.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, after I graduated from college and moved to a nearby city for a great job, my parents downsized by buying a smaller house. Now, when I come home for holidays, there’s no room for me! The longer I stay, the crankier they get, to the point where I don’t feel welcome in their home anymore! I get the distinct feeling that they’re over being parents and want me out of their lives. What can I do? Signed, No Longer Wanted

Dear Butt-hurt Bunkmate. Listen, amazingly, once one reaches adulthood, one typically learns to ask before just showing up at the homes of other people. Interestingly, this rule even counts for family. I have a great relationship with my parents, but I would never just invite myself to their place, on my own schedule, pretend that I own the place, and expect them to cater to me. Of course, I’m a fully-functioning adult, not a diva who thinks the world revolves around him/her, so, you know, there’s that. And, truth is, I’m not talking about anything fancy here. All you need do is call your folks a few weeks in advance and say, “Hey, Mom, Pops, I was thinking of coming home for Christmas. I’d love to see you! What are your plans? Do you have some free time? Could I crash at your place, or is a hotel better? Is there a good or bad time? I was thinking from the 22nd to the 26th?” Something like that. My folks have plenty of room at their homes, but, what if they’d already invited someone, thinking that I wasn’t going to be in town? You know, as in, gasp, made other plans?! Sort of like real, live, functioning adults who have lives outside of being my parents? It’d be awfully presumptuous of me, also a real, live fully-functioning adult, to assume that they’d drop everything and all of their plans to cater to my “great job”-having ass, don't'cha think? And, as such, ipso Eggo-Pocono, it’s awfully presumptuous of your fully-functioning adult ass to presume same of your folks. Grow up! And merry fucking holidays. Ho-ho-ho.

****
Well, Shippers, that does it for this episode of “As the Smag Turns”. Tune in next week when we’ll hear our hero exclaim, “Oy! Who drank all of the damn eggnog! Bastard ingrate bastardly bastards!” Ah, the holidays... Good cheer, Shippers, and fair winds and following seas to you all.

...on Sexy Time with Teacher, SIDS, Family Christmas and More!

2010-12-09T10:43:00.004-06:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2277308/ (12/09/2010) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! It’s final exam week here in The Lagoon. I’ve just completed one, and am now gearing up for another. Crazy days, indeed! But, far be it for me to miss a day at the dock! I hope that December is treating you all well--better than our poor Letter Writers, that’s for sure! And, speaking of those poor sods, let’s get crackin’ on their letters, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’m a high school senior who’s just discovered that Mr. A., my favorite teacher at my all-girls private school, is having sex with one of my closest friends and fellow student, Ms. Bee. We’ve known Mr. A. forever and he’s helped us through all sorts of rough times (divorcing parents, deaths of family members, etc.). I think of him as a father figure, yet, what he’s doing is so wrong on so many levels! What’s worse is that Ms. Bee wants to use me as cover so that she can spend the night with Ms. A. in a motel! I’m not sure what to do? Do I tell someone? I’m afraid of losing this friendship if I do the wrong thing. Signed, I’m Only Sixteen

Dear Sixteen. You had me at “all-girls private school”... Huh? What? Oh, your letter! Listen, there are so many problems with this letter that I don’t know where to start, but, let’s prioritize, okay? First off, and most importantly, no, you do not, under any circumstances, provide cover for this tryst. Tell your friend that, while what she does with her own time is her business, what you do with your time is yours. And lying for her is something that, a) you won’t do, and, b) not something a true friend would ever ask of you in the first place! If she’s adult and grown up enough to be having sex with a teacher, she’s adult and grown up enough to figure out for herself how to do it without involving her friends. Next on the priority list, though, is the throwing around of words and phrases by other advice columnists like “sexual predator”, “conquests”, “stalking of victims”, etc. Let’s get this straight. Based on what you’ve said, your friend is a victim only of bad judgment and of a poor taste in her fuck buddies. Her idiot teacher is an adult, yes, and technically breaking the law, yes, but it doesn’t sound, at all, like he’s victimizing her. Further, if the gender roles were reversed, I doubt there’d be so much moral outrage. Your friend is making a bad decision (she’s Ms.Bee-havin’...ba-dum-dum!), but, it’s not one that’s particularly uncommon at her age (sex with inappropriate people). And it’s certainly not one that has to (or even should) lead to arrests, jail time, court cases, trauma, late-life suicide, counseling, etc. It should end when your friend realizes she’s dating a 45 year old man (and all of the crap that that type of relationship implies)! And you need to stop with the “he’s having sex with her” bull. Try “they’re having sex.” It’s a lot more honest. And accurate. I’d advise telling your friend that you will not help her, and, too, that you want to hear no more about this unless it ever becomes a situation where she does become the victim of any form of abuse. Tell her that you don’t want to harm your friendship, but that you can’t be complicit in her geriatric love connection (you can say that un-ironically, I cannot, since, you know, I’m of the “geriatric” age that your teacher is). Good luck!

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my husband and I recently lost an infant child to SIDS. We’re understandably devastated, as is our family. We’re planning to spend Christmas with my in-laws, but, I just don’t have the heart or energy to buy a bunch of presents. So, to solve this, I want to spend time to buy our one niece something nice, and then, for our adult relatives, I want to purchase gift cards. My MIL, god bless her, is appalled by this idea, and, because she wants to “help us in our grief” (and, because I suspect she’s grieving, too) has instructed all of our in-laws to send us a Christmas list in order to “ease the effort of our gift-buying”. Prudie, I get nauseous even at the thought of doing that shopping. My MIL thinks she’s doing the right thing, but, she’s killing me. What can I do? Signed, Hurting and Being “Helped” Too Much

Dear Hurting. I’d send a note to your MIL that says, “Thank you, Mom, but I don’t have the energy to buy presents this year, and, no, I don’t want anyone’s help to do so. I want to fucking buy gift cards. Is that so fucking difficult?! It’s what I’m going to do, too. I’m sorry that it offends you, but, frankly, it fucking offends me that it offends you! Get the goddam fuck over yourself! Thank you, and God Bless you in this most wonderful time of the year. Love, Your Loving Daughter-in-Law.” You can take out the cussing if you want, but, the sentiment is clear, yeah? You’re the gift-giver. You want to give gift cards. Give them. They’ll be appreciated by those who are worth your time, and, for those who aren’t? Who cares?

LW#3: Dear Prudie, for the last many years I’ve included my daughter’s financially destitute best friend and her poor-ass, beggar, barely literate family in our Christmas celebration. They’ve been very gracious, well-behaved, and almost engaging on this day every year (and, truthfully, intelligence and affluence is often over rated in our dog-eat-dog society and it’s important to demonstrate graciousness from time to time, don’t you agree, Prudie?). Sadly, as my family has grown (my son is now married and has a child, and my daughter is engaged), I don’t have room for this family of vagabonds. There’s just no longer any room at the table. I feel, um, guilty that I won’t be able to ~~brag to my true friends about helping the poor people this year~~ invite them this year, as they have nowhere else to go, but, I can’t just magically shrink my real family. Do I have a moral obligation to host these people, despite a lack of seats at my table? Signed, Happy Homemaker

Dear Pretentious Prick Asshole. Congratulations on the growth of your blood family. May the blood that binds you all continue to be a source of great pride for you and yours. No, you have no moral obligation to anyone, least of all, people upon whom you so obviously look down your nose. So, you know, free yourself of guilt and continue encouraging your blood family to grow. Me personally? There’s only one thing that gets someone uninvited from my table, and that’s rude assholery. And that occurs in equal proportion among my blood family and non-blood family. Matter of fact, I find the idea of family to be defined as those who I identify with as family, not those whose DNA indicates a biological accident of similarity. But that’s me. I have a feeling that this family whom you’ve been gracing with your benevolence will be just fine this year without you. May you be equally as well off. And may you live long, and prosper.

(Update! 12/11/2010: Longtime reader JayJay had this to say to LW#3, and, it was so powerful that I felt in needed to be included right here. Sometimes, you just have to recognize a good smackdown when you see it.

From JayJay to LW#3: You suck. Congratulations, you win the Shitty McShittypants award of the year. I hope your tree catches on fire. I hope you choke on your turkey. I hope your presents are actually gift-wrapped dogshit. I hope you drink too much eggnog and throw up.

All I have to say bout that? Amen, JayJay. And to all, a good night.)

LW#4: Dear Prudie. I like to contribute money to my grand-niece’s college fund for Christmas every year. I have three other grand neice’s/nephews by my sister’s other children, but, they have never acknowledged a single gift from me (from weddings to births to holidays). I would like to continue gifting just the one, appreciative niece’s daughter in this way, but, my sister manages the kids’ college funds, so, she’ll know if I don’t start putting some toward each child. Is there a kind way to give to only the family to which I’m close? Signed, My Sister Has Only One Good Kid

Dear Gift-Giver. Of course you can give to whomever you want, whatever you want. The issue here is not the gifts, however, but rather, your relationship with your sister and how you fear it may suffer. I’d discuss this with her! Why not? Explain to her why you feel the way you do! Too, I’d recognize that the children are not at fault for their parents’ sins. That’s not to say that you should give them gifts, but, perhaps you could consider putting aside money for each child that you, yourself, manage. Attempt to get to know the children on their own terms (ignoring their relation to their rude parents). Some may share your interests? If, as they grow, you see that they’re demonstrating the ability to move past their parents’ rudeness and, too, if you feel they could benefit from your largess, by all means, give them the money you’ve saved. If you do not see that it’d help, go to Europe with it! On you! Win-win! Good luck!

****
Well, Shippers, that about does it! I’ve got to get back to schoolwork, but, before I do, let me wish for you a wonderful and happy day and weekend, and, fair winds and following seas to you all! And Cornish game hens for your plates this weekend. They’re yummy!

...on Fetishes, Wreckages, Christmases and Vegas Trips

2010-12-02T08:48:00.001-06:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2276212/ (12/02/2010) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho-ho-ho, Shippers! And happy December to you all! How are you on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I’ll admit that I’m pretty run-down with a stuffy head and even some nausea, so, if I’m off my game today, please cut me some slack (or not--I don’t usually cut any slack for the LWs!). May those of you transitioning to new things this week/month/new year have the best transition ever. I know that December/January is a time for that sort of thing and my support and good wishes go out to you all! That said, though, and before I get too sappy, we have letters, eh? Well then, let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, My husband has some sexual fetish desires that I can’t “deal with”. What I mean is, they aren’t my thing and I’ll be damned if I want to try them! It’s my right not to, isn’t it?! He’s proposed visiting a dominatrix to occasionally scratch his itch. And I’m actually considering allowing it. He’s been to a therapist to try to get past this fetish and he can’t. I don’t believe he’ll have intercourse with the dominatrix, but, at the same time, I don’t want another woman being intimate with my husband. What should I do? Let him, or don’t? Signed, Passively Conflicted

Dear Conflicted. What are you conflicted about? I mean, in the end? Let’s look at the facts, shall we? Your husband is apparently being honest with you. He’s asking for permission to go to a professional, not for sex, but for a fetish release. If you desire, I’m sure you can go talk to this woman and ensure that she’s actually a dominatrix and not his office secretary dressed up in latex. You could ask to have explained to you how things will go. And, ultimately, you can decide if you can live with it or not. If you can’t, though, be upfront and honest with your husband and leave him. On good terms. Respectfully. Sexual incompatibility between two people who can’t (in his case) or won’t (in yours) try to meet in the middle is probably a deal breaker because of all that it leads to. Try to work it out, try to understand, try to be comfortable with things, but, most of all, be honest. Honesty is working so far with you two, and, if it means going separate ways or having him visit a pro on occasion, that’s a hell of a lot better than being miserable, yes?

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my crazy, temperamental mother-in-law, who’s been in 20 automobile accidents (the vast majority of which were her fault) likes to come by and pick up my two year old daughter and take her places. I’m a non-confrontational person, so, I try to be okay with this, but, every time my MIL has my daughter, I’m out of my mind with worry. My MIL’s own two daughters won’t let her drive their kids anymore, yet, when I try to express my fears, my MIL flies off the handle. What can I do? Signed, Scared Mama

Dear Scared. Your daughter is helpless. You are not. You are charged with your daughter’s care. Therefore, if something happens to your daughter in your MIL’s care, it’s on you. Period. See this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101130/ap_on_re_us/us_child_off_walkway. I hope that wasn’t your daughter. I hate that it was anyone’s daughter. How do you imagine that mother feels? I can’t even fathom it. If that doesn’t scare you straight nothing will, but, as a second point, one that ought to light the fires of your belly into a full-blown volcano, why isn’t your husband helping control his mom? If he’s deployed or his job has him otherwise out of town, that’s one thing. But, unless he’s deceased, he can still talk to her. He can still affect the situation. You shouldn’t have to face this alone. And, like with the letter above, honesty is the best policy. Be firm and honest with you MIL and say that your child will no longer drive with her. Anywhere. They can spend time, just not in a car. As for your MIL still driving after 20 accidents?! I think there’s more to this story than you are sharing with us. Will it paint you in an even worse light, like, does this woman have no license? Wake up, Mama, and start doing your job.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, Christmas is in full swing in our office and I’ve noticed over the past several years that the celebration has gotten more and more religious. And while I’m fine with personal expressions of faith, I don’t like Christianity bombarding me in all of common areas of the office during this season. Last year, my boss asked me why I didn’t attend the tree lighting and I said it’s because I’m not a Christian. Her response was that I could hang a menorah on the tree! I’d rather have more secular celebrations of Christmas, Prudie. How can I fix this? Signed, Not a Christian

Dear Scrooge. Okay, I’m just kidding with the Scrooge thing. To me, the solution is simple. If you have tried being honest with your supervisors and management (Have you? As in, really? I’m not talking about hinting, I’m talking about, have you and others sat down with them and stated that you’re offended?) and you’ve gotten no response, I suggest erecting a Festivus pole, complete with performance of the “Airing of Grievances” and “Feats of Strength”. You need to insist on this. Further, you need to celebrate at least two Pagan rituals. An office bonfire with pairing for celebratory sex is a great one! This ritual rings in the coming spring and the desired crop fertility--plus it’s fun! The youngest male should also be made to hunt a buck and kill it with his bare hands. Finally, you’ll want to celebrate as Jack Skellington would, with reenactments of scenes from “The Nightmare Before Christmas”. And finally, light some incense. You guys are going to need it! Seriously, though, if your honest concerns, professionally-expressed to your supervisors, don’t do the trick, I see nothing wrong with introducing these alternative takes, in full or in part. Merry meet and Blessed Be!

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I married earlier this year. My husband’s family wants to take us all to Las Vegas to celebrate Christmas. My husband and I are horrified by this idea and don’t want to go. But, since we spent Thanksgiving with my family (we all live in the same town), we feel sort of obligated to go along. What should we do? Signed, Obviously Too Young To Be Married

Dear Too Young. You may have noticed a trend with my posts today. I suggest having your husband be honest with your in-laws and explain that the two of you don’t want to go to Vegas for Christmas (presuming your husband really doesn’t want to go?). You’re not obligated to go and having spent Thanksgiving with your family no more obligates you to go with his family to Sin City than it obligates you to spend Christmas with anyone! Fact is, since you live in the same town, I’m not sure why you didn’t split Thanksgiving time, but, that’s just me being Captain Hindsight. I hope that you remember the lesson for next year, though? As for what to do, as Prudie suggested, making sure to spend time with your in-laws upon their return is what’s important here. That and honesty. You can’t be faulted for either. Good luck!

****
Well, Shippers, that about does it! Holy smokes, it’s been awhile since I’ve had a theme run through all of my answers like that. But sometimes, just growing up and putting on your big boy/girl panties is all that a problem calls for. And in these cases, that seems the perfect solution. May your week be wonderful and bright and your weekend full of fruitful endeavors. Good cheer!

...on Overbearing Moms, Sister-Brides, Jobs, and Dr. Husbands

2010-11-24T09:12:00.002-06:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2275908/ (11/24/2010) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Ahoy, and happy Prudurkey Day, Shippers! How in the hell are ya? I hope that all’s well and that you’re either enjoying the day off, relaxing and planning your upcoming few days, or, that you’re at work, but relaxing and planning your upcoming few days, none-the-less! I’ll be flying tonight (yes, the ill-advised national day of “please pat me down on the busiest flying day of the year”). Oh well. Here’s hoping I don’t end up starring in a Tom Hanks film about being trapped in an airport. Wish me luck! Anyway, enough of my prattling. We’ve got letters! So, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my mom in the very definition of a clingy parent. You know the type, the ones who won’t let their kids do anything, ever, for fear of that one-in-a-bazillion, hypothetical happenstance? For example, I grew up with a limp, so, not only were sports out of the question for me (under my mom’s iron-fisted rule), but field trips, gym classes, dance, etc., were also right out! By the time I realized how sheltered I’d been and how paralyzing my mom was to my personal growth, I was in college and just barely able to break free. At any rate, this isn’t about me. It’s about my brother. He’s 22, has a slight speech impediment, and is socially awkward. As such, my mom has home schooled him since middle school and he now does nothing but half-heartedly attend community college and sit at home playing video games. My dad is useless in helping, having given up long ago. It’s painful to see my brother missing out on life! What can I do? Signed, I Escaped the Warden

Dear Escapee. Congratulations on your hard-earned emancipation. Did you learn nothing from it? Are you kidding me that you want to “help” your brother away from your “helping” mom? Perhaps you might want to keep on helping yourself into no longer needing to, well, “help” anyone else. That right there might set the kind of example that would cause your brother to spontaneously say, “Wow! Sis sure is living the good life. How can I get me some of that?” Then, when he asks you how, you can say, simply, “Quit counting on mom to do everything for you, dumbass. You know, as in, be a functional adult.” By that point, he might be able to hear you and ask follow-up questions. But it’s him who has to decide that. It’s him who has to get to that point. Not you, little Miss “Helpful” Sister.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’m scheduled to be in my sister’s wedding as the best man. She has insisted that I shave my beard for the ceremony. I have a nice, full beard, Prudie. I don’t want to shave it! It takes a long time grow! Should I shave it anyway, to keep the peace, or, should I not and risk losing my spot in the wedding party? Signed, I Think I May Be A Spineless Pussy† Boy, But I’m Not Sure

Dear, Don’t Think That You’re A Pussy Boy, Embrace The Fact That You Are A Pussy. First off, is this your sister’s wedding, or, you know, the couples’? Second, since the fuck when does the bride get to dictate what the groomsmen do?! If your “good friend”, the groom, asks you to shave your beard, you can consider it on those terms (personally, I’d tell him that wherever you go, so goes your beard, but, then again, I’m not a pussy like you and the groom), but, your sister asking? By even considering her request as in any way valid, you’re buying into the insane notion that this is her day. Too, you’re a guest at their wedding, not the hired fucking help (whom would never be asked to shave, would they? And, if they were, how inappropriate would you find that shit? “Excuse me, Mr. Caterer’s Helper, we like you and all, but, we’ll be requiring you to shave your beard. Here’s a Bic.” Yeah, right.). Just sayin’.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I was promised a promotion at work, sent to training for the position, and have really been looking forward to it! After my last round of training, I returned to work only to be introduced to the new hire--not as a backfill for my old job, but for the position I’d been promised! Prudie, I was gracious with this person, but, I could feel tears welling up, so, I left the building and began to cry. And then sob. My supervisor saw me in that state and now I’m mortified about returning to work. I’m so embarrassed. How can I ever face my supervisor after he saw me like that? Signed, Cry Baby

Dear So, What, Again, Is Your Problem? I’m not sure what your issue is? If everything is as you claim, you’ve been wronged here! Now, I would caution you that it’s likely that you’re still going to be promoted, too (why on Earth would you have been sent to that training?), or, that the new person was actually hired to backfill behind you and you were just incorrectly introduced, but, that possibility aside, what have you done wrong or in an embarrassing fashion? Everything you did sounds like it was super-professional? Are you intimating that you don’t think it’s professional to cry? Well, it might not be, you know, in the office while throwing things around and screaming. But to quietly and graciously leave the building and then cry in the parking lot and to just happen to be seen by your boss? Such is life. Nothing unprofessional about that! At all. As a matter of fact, it was quite the professional way to handle the situation! As such, I’d compose myself, as Prudie suggests, and just ask the boss what’s up with the new hire (of course, I’d make sure that you know exactly what position s/he was hired into first--I still suspect you don’t have all of the facts).

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’m finishing med school and my husband is doing his residency. He’s currently doing a women’s health rotation and is acting extremely unprofessional! He and a friend went out for coffee recently and he spied a recent patient of his. He pointed out the woman, told the friend he’d done a pap smear on her, and that she was “very tight.” I’ve also heard my husband make other immature comments about women patients to his friend. I’ve told him that I find his behavior deplorable, and, while I don’t want to jeopardize his career, I wonder if I have an ethical duty to report him to his supervisor? Signed, Bride of Frankenstein

Dear Ethically-challenged Wife. Professionally, your husband is a walking HIPAA violation and will get himself thrown out of the program if he keeps it up. As for telling, you only have second-hand information, so, it’d be tough for you to prove anything and you don’t need that mess. The woman at the coffee shop (or anyone within earshot who heard and then said something to her--I would have), though? She could have cost the hospital tens of thousands of dollars in fines, could have cost your husband the same, and, both could have been liable for civil penalties, too! Personally, though? What the fuck are you still doing with this Neanderthal? You think he’s not comparing notes on your relative tightness with his buddy, or, what, perhaps you think you’re exempt from his objectification and dehumanization of women? Cling to that belief, kay? Whatever lets you live with this asshole, right?

****
Well, Shippers, that about does it! Happy Thanksgiving to you all! May it be happy and relaxing! And, may your big turkey, or small turkey, or, even your Cornish game hens, be succulent and juicy and full of flavor. Fair winds and following seas, Shippers!

†Please note that the term "pussy" is not, in any way, meant to invoke any meaning other than "spinelessness" on the part of one person toward another, regardless of gender. Any other connotation you take from this word is purely your own.

...on Lies, Family and Cheating Times Two

2010-11-11T09:37:00.003-06:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2274432/ (11/11/2010) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie and Veterinarian’s Day?! I’ll be honest, I’ve never known exactly why we celebrate vets over, say, celebrating all physicians. It’s a tough job, regardless of what type of doctor you become, and it takes a lot of schooling either way. So why vets, specifically? We did start as an agrarian society, so, maybe that’s it, since animals were so valued for food and labor? Whatever the reason, it’s a great thing because I don’t have to work today! So, anytime there’s a Veterinarian’s Day, I’m all for it (even if it does seem unfair to other physicians). With that, let’s get crackin’ on the letters, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie. All of my life, I’ve lied. Little lies, big lies, it didn’t matter. Anything to get my way. And, it’s been a great ride! But, recently, I lied to my husband about spending a huge wad of cash on myself that we totally couldn’t afford, and, since I’m somewhat suspiciously-pregnant (we travel a lot for work and hardly ever see each other), when he found out about the cash, not only was he angry about what I’d spent on myself while lying about it, he became concerned about whether or not he’s the father of our child! Prudie, what lie can I tell him to get him to fall back in line? This is killing me! Help! Signed, Live to Lie, Lie to Live

Dear Lying Liar. You do understand the irony here, right? That I’m somehow supposed to take your letter at face value, even though you’ve admitted right up front that you’re a compulsive liar? Well, that incongruity aside, I’ll answer you as if I believe you, kay? Kay. First off, you’re not nearly as clever as you think you are. You need to come to terms with that right now. I know, I know, you lie all the time and you’re great at it. Well, news flash, Sister, fully two-thirds of those lies are so bad and outrageous that everyone not only knows that you’re lying, they just roll their eyes behind your back. Those people who hang around you because they have to? They enjoy cataloging the ridiculousness of your tales. It wouldn’t surprise me if some of your whoppers have even become part of the group meme. Those people who genuinely like you, but aren’t usually put in harm’s way due to your dishonesty? They’re okay with you because they like you, but, don’t think for a second that they’re fooled. They’re not. They put up with you. The worse category, though, is family and close friends. The ones you most need, yet most hurt with your dishonesty. Thing is, they know you’re a heinous lying idiot, too. But, either by blood or by choice (ignorant at the time of making that choice or no), they know you’re a liar, too. Yep, your husband as well. The problem is that he thinks he knows when you’re lying, so he’s always imagined himself as safe. But then, when you lie about something that he sees as mundane as going out for the day, and he later, innocently finds out that that, too, was a lie?! Hell yes he’s going to start to question the very foundation of your marriage! Of course he is. And you? You’re more interested in regaining his trust than in fixing yourself. That’s bad. Because it’s just going to cause you lie more. You need to get a counselor and some help. And as for the baby being your husband’s? Yeah. Right. You need to come to terms with that mess, too.

LW#2: Dear Prudie. My teenage daughter was recently diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. This explains so many things and has really helped us as a family. The problem is that, in light of this diagnosis, we want to have a quiet, small Thanksgiving. In the past, we’ve hosted the whole family here in our house. My sister’s kids are heinous brats who are more demon spawn than they are children. My sister is a flaming bitch and it’s never a fun time because my sister’s family’s behavior stresses out the whole family and causes my daughter to act out in terrible ways. Well, I’ve announced that we can’t host Thanksgiving this year (though I didn’t say why), and so my mother wants to take over that role. Well, I don’t want that, Prudie! Whine! Whine! I want my sister to step up and host! I mean, that’s only fair! Not that we’ll be going, as I say, but still, my mom can’t handle the hosting duties! And, too, what do I say to my family about why we’re not attending? I reckoned that I’d lie and say that we’re leaving town, although, it’s a small town and they might see us. What do you think? Signed, I Totally Hate My Sister (and her bratty kids, but mine are angels, by the way)!

Dear Hater. Okay, first off, let’s review problem #1. You are neither your mother’s nor your sister’s keeper. And, if you’re removing yourself from the festivities this year (for obvious and valid reasons), you get no say over how they celebrate Thanksgiving, or, over who hosts it. You got that, Master Sergeant Type-A, Controlling Personality Person?! So, get the fuck right on over yourself on that one. And do it now, Soldier. You have absolutely no ground to stand on there, and all you’re doing is creating drama, which, in light of your second question, seems completely and totally in sync with your personality. What do you tell your family about why you aren’t attending? Hmmmm. Let’s see... Well, you can make your daughter feel triply-ashamed of her diagnosis by hiding it and lying to family about it, all while letting her know that that’s what you’re doing, you know, for her sake (yeah, right). That sounds good, eh? No? Hmmm, okay, then, let’s see, you could, I don’t know, grow the fuck up, be a parent and an adult, and explain that this year you’ve promised a family get-together with just you four, and, in light of your daughter’s diagnosis, you’ll be altering how your attend all future family functions, too. You can explain that it’s nothing personal, and that you’re so happy to know now what’ up with your daughter because you’ll know better now how to prevent her from melting down at these events in the future (and let’s face it, that’s what’s been happening--this isn’t all about your sister’s kids. At all.). But let me warn you of something: this is not your diagnosis. You don’t get to wear it as some sort of fucked up badge of honor. Your daughter is the one who’s been forced to endure these get-togethers and who’s obviously acted out in ways that have brought a great deal of shitty-ness over the years. She’s the one who’s been basically screaming that she’s uncomfortable, begging for help. This isn’t a time to punish the rest of the family for your feelings of guilt. It’s a time for you and your family to learn about how to better interact with your daughter, but, without dictating anything to anyone else. This is a time for inner-reflection, not outer-dictation. Got me?

LW#3: Dear Prudie. I’m 24, married and have a baby. I’m very lucky in that my mom and I are very close, and she watches the baby while my husband and I work. Recently, I suggested that this year I could host Thanksgiving. My mom responded by saying that the family likes “good” food, and that I’m “not ready” to host. As you can imagine, I was devastated! I’m thinking of not attending Thanksgiving, but, I don’t want to give up all of this great free child care. What can I do? Signed, I Can So Host Thanksgiving!

Dear Betty Crock. Look, I don’t know how close you and your mom really are, but, I have a feeling that there are a few things at work here. First, do you say you two are super-close because, that way, you don’t feel like you have to pay for the child care (and I don’t mean pay in cash, necessarily, but, you know, with gratitude, hosting dinner on occasion, showing appreciation in a very real and substantial way for all that your mother is doing, which, by the way, is a HUGE fucking deal!)? Or, do you say it because, as far as you know, you really are super-close and this thing really threw you for a loop? Regardless of your answer, it’s clear that your mom is upset about something. My suggestion is that you haven’t been showing her the gratitude she deserves for taking on this task (is she running errands for you, too? Cleaning? Etc.). Even if she says she doesn’t mind it, which may well be true, she would surely appreciate the occasional offer of a day spa or even just breakfast out with you, or something? So, for you to offer, just out of the blue, to usurp her role as family matriarch, all while charging her with child care, may just seem like too much for her. I’m not saying that you’re actually doing any of that! I’m just saying that surely you can see how she might take it that way, yes? And finally, if you really are close, and if none of what I’ve said is true, why can’t you just talk to her about it as she obviously just blurted out something off the cuff that came out sounding really wrong, but that was, in fact, not at all what she meant? I don’t know the truth here. That’s up to you to find, but, my guess is that your mother’s words didn’t come entirely without motivation. She’s been stewing on something. Your job, as the representative of half of the close relationship that you and your mom purportedly share, is to find out what. Good luck!

LW#4: Dear Prudie. Last year, my boss had an affair. He ended up leaving the company in order to try to patch up his marriage. It was a dark time for us here in the office as the new boss was terrible. Well, after several months, the original boss came back, and, though stressful due to work, things have been better than ever and camaraderie has grown exponentially as a result of getting past the Dark Ages! Well, last week, my co-workers threw me a bridal shower. Our boss stood to give a toast and, without thinking, I blurted out, “Hey there, Mister Cheater Man, I don’t want any martial advice from you, of all people! Got it?!” This led to a great deal of laughter and cat-calling from the staff and we all had a good laugh. Including the boss. But, Prudie, I feel terrible! I so didn’t mean to say what I said. It just came out! And now I don’t know if I should apologize, further opening the wound, or just let it go? I feel terrible! What should I do? Signed, Missy Big Mouth

Dear In Vino Veritas. I think that, in order to make it up to him, you should have sex with him. That’s really the only way to even the card. No! Just kidding! The truth of the matter is that you blew this one. Big time. And you need to humbly go to him and ask to speak privately (albeit in a room that has clear line of sight to the rest of the office so everyone can see that you’re not under his desk!). Then, apologize. Tell him that you’re so sorry. That what you said was wildly inappropriate, none of your business, exceptionally out of line, and beyond the fucking pale and that it’s a credit to his leadership that you and your officemates felt comfortable enough to act like total social idiots around one another. Then, you need to hope like fuck that you never find yourself in his shoes where some upstart little tart decides to air your dirty laundry for the whole staff. Idiot.

****
Well, Shippers, that’s about it! Happy Vet’s Day (I still don’t get that, but, hey, whatever. Like I said, a day off is a day off!). May you have fair winds, following seas, and may the sunshine lightly kiss your backside, wherever you may roam. ‘Til next week, Shippers...

...on Addicted, Mean, Smelly Family

2010-11-04T08:56:00.002-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2273580/ (11/04/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey ho, Shippers! How in the heck are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? Are you enjoying the crisp fall weather? The cheese poppers? The bacon-wrapped water chestnuts-and-shrimp hors d'oeuvres? With dipping sauce?! Oh my, what a grand time of year this is! I get all tingly inside just thinking about it! And you know what else I get all tingly over? Prudie letters! HA! You guys thought I was going to say something naughty about Mermaid, didn’t ya? ;-) Fooled you (although...)! So, with that, let’s get crackin’ on these letters, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie. My mom is an addict. Has been all of my life. When I was ten years old, she and her boyfriend physically attacked me. After reporting this fact to a teacher, I was removed from their care and sent to live with my dad. My whole family shamed and guilted me for turning in my mom and I still carry that with me. Later my mom’s addiction became so extreme that my half brother was taken from her. He was going to be placed in foster care if I didn’t take him in, so, I did. My wife and I raised him with no financial help from my mother. Recently, my grandparents (who’ve been a great help in my life) asked if I would contribute to my mom’s care. They said that $75 per month would do. Prudie, I’ll bet her cigarette habit costs that! I suggested to them that they get her on disability, but they will never quit enabling her, or telling me about it. I’m a social worker and don’t make a lot of money, yet I feel extremely guilty for letting down my grandparents. What should I do? Signed, Ungrateful Grandson?

Dear Run, Run Like The Wind. You say you’re a social worker, so, I’m sure that you see this type of sick shit all the time. But perhaps it’s harder to recognize when you’re in the middle of it? Look, we don’t have a choice regarding to whom we’re born. We don’t ask to be born to them, and, as a result, we owe them nothing. Quite the opposite, actually. When a person decides to have a child, however, they do, sure as fuck, owe that child. They are obligated to that child by virtue of their choice to have it (as opposed to the alternatives when one becomes pregnant, like abortion or adoption). But squirting a child from one’s loins does not an obligation from that child to that parent make. What does engender a form of obligation, at least in my humble opinion, is love, respect, care, support and peace from a nurturing parent. Your mother has given you none of that. Further, you’ve enabled her enough already (raising your half brother, letting yourself be guilted by asshole family on her behalf, etc.). So you actually now owe her less than nothing. She’s indebted to you so far already that she can’t possibly pay you back (not that she's even going to try, but still). Your grandparents are another matter, though. Their shitty-ness and evil is far more insidious. With your mom, you know what you get. An irresponsible shit stain. Your grandparents, though, are evil-enabling guilt mongers masquerading as caring people. The fact that you, as a ten-year-old, had to hear one bit of a negative word from anyone over protecting yourself (at ten years old, did I mention that?) tells me everything I need to know about them. You are not obligated to family due to DNA. Blood is thicker than water? Bullshit. Prove it, mother fuckers! When they give more of a shit about you (a productive member of society who’s been taking care of his mother’s messes long enough) than they do about their own failure, they’re nothing to you but an albatross around your soul. Shed the albatross, Brother, and breathe the clean, guilt-free air that you’ve earned. And you have earned it. I’d suggest moving far, far away to truly realize fulfillment in this endeavor. And perhaps you should have some counseling, Counselor.

LW#2: Dear Prudie. Every year, my husband and I spend Thanksgiving with his family at his cousin’s house. Every year, the cousin and wife make snide comments about a close family member of mine (a man active in local politics) and even intimate that my professional success is due to this man’s influence. Because we’re in their house, I’ve always politely bitten my tongue. Afterwards, I’ve asked my husband to please speak to his cousin about this, but, my husband’s afraid it’d upset everyone and insists that the only way I’ll earn their respect is if I speak up myself. I don’t give a flying shit about their respect, Prudie, but, I also don’t want to listen to their shit anymore. What can I say to them, in their own home, that will be acceptable and not ostracize me from the rest of the family? Signed, Fed With Shit Burgers Rather Than Turkey

Dear Doormat. First and foremost, I have to take extreme exception to your husband’s behavior. It’d be one thing if you were instigating this treatment. I mean, even if you were hinting about your politician family member, or asking for their comments in any way, I can see hubby wanting to stay out of it, but, if what you say is true, and I have no reason to doubt you, then he’s a jack wad, wimp-assed, pussy boy who doesn’t deserve a wife with a successful family and career of her own. He deserves someone who actually deserves to be shit upon (which, hint: ain’t you). So, what to do? Personally? I suggest having dinner with friends or other family, as far away from Hubby’s family as possible. Or with pretty much anyone who doesn’t treat you like shit. If either you or your husband are afraid that that would cause a rift between you and his family, then you’re giving them far too much power in your lives. It’s one thing to sacrifice time, resources and effort to those who reciprocate with love, respect, care, support and peace, but to provide consideration to assholes? The only thing that does is encourage their shitty-ness. And we should not encourage shitty-ness. Listen, you deserve better. And I’m not just talking about the way your husband’s family treats you, either.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I have a beautiful, talented, gifted daughter who has a good job and many friends. But she doesn’t use soap when she bathes, Prudie. And she almost never shampoos her hair (maybe only once or twice per month)--she says she doesn’t want to strip away the body’s natural oils. Prudie, all of this is fine, but, the result is that she sometimes smells bad. I mean, like, bad bad. I’ve never had a problem with expressing my opinions to my children, but, I’m afraid of the extreme insult that my commenting on her hygiene would cause my daughter. Can you help? Signed, Stinky Girl’s Mom

Dear Mistaken. You mentioned several things about your daughter’s habits that you believe are leading to her odor, but, none of what you mention necessarily should lead to odor. Plenty of people don’t use soap. At all. But they don’t stink. Know why? They shower every day (sometimes twice), keep their hair short and/or use warm, nearly hot water to rinse it (daily), and, use powder and/or deodorant in and around their areas of odor concern. Oh, yeah--they also know how to wipe their asses. It sounds to me like your extremely gifted and popular daughter might be struggling with a deep funk (see what I did there? The pun? I meant “depression”, you know, in case you missed that, but used the word “funk” because of its dual meaning...what?), or, perhaps works in a place that smells so bad that her olfactory nerves have been affected. Maybe the friends you mention are smelly because they don’t wipe their asses, and your daughter wants to fit in? Lift your arms and smell your pits. Do you smell anything unpleasant? Even slightly? Then imagine what her pits must smell like to her?! If her state of funk is in any way frequent, you owe it to her to be very direct about your observations and concerns (especially if the smell is coming from her back side, which she may not be as able to notice). You don’t have to be rude like me, but, you do need to say something. Prudie’s suggestions were top notch, but, a minimum. Personally, I’d say, “Honey, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you smell pretty ripe. Did you forget to wipe? I mean, seriously. You smell a little bit like ass.” But that’s just me. On a good day.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I have a leadership position at the University for which I work. There’s one problem, though. When we do training or orientation, there’s a great deal of “cheering and chanting”. I find it to be rather proletarian, but I do try to participate. The problem is that I always fail miserably. If I try to cheer, I look and feel like an idiot. If I stand in the back, I’m seen as the group naysayer. How can I go through this stupid and ridiculous custom without letting on that I really am the group naysayer? Signed, So The Group Naysayer

Dear Person Who Only Thinks S/He’s a Leader. You’re not a leader. Nor are you in a leadership position of any significant weight. A leader would change “stupid and ridiculous” activities to make them intelligent and appropriate. So, first off, you need to quit taking yourself so seriously. No one else does. Believe me. Secondly, you need to know that you’re not seen as the group naysayer. If you’re considered at all, you’re seen as aloof and inappropriately entitled. Just so you now, there’s a significant difference. As such, you need to learn to do two simple things: smile (legitimately) and clap. You needn’t smile at the activity itself. Hell, smile at how ridiculous everyone looks, if that’s what you feel. But, by simply smiling and clapping (a social construct meant to demonstrate appreciation, but one that’s so easily faked a robot with a mouse brain can learn it), you will be right in the middle with the rest of us (the majority, in fact) who find this type of exercise uncomfortable, but relatively innocuous in the grand scheme of life. Oh, and when you become a leader for real? Why not change the training/orientation program. Kay? Kay.

****
Well, Shippers, that about does it for me. Lots of work (school and professional), so, I need to get to it. May you have the wonderfulest of wonderful weeks. Fair winds and following seas!

...on Yard Sex, Senility, Lying and Drama

2010-10-28T08:55:00.003-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2272643/ (10/28/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey ho, Shippers! How the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I hope that all’s well, that it’s a bright, shiny, happy day, and, that you enjoyed today’s letters! I know that I did! I’m glad because, with the way they’ve been lately, I was thinking I was going to have to spice things up a bit by offering something like, “So, corporal punishment of your kids? Yes or no?”, but, now I can save that topic for a later edition, you know, in case it’s needed. That said, let’s get crackin’ on these letters, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie. I’m a happy-go-lucky 20-something in a two year relationship with the “most beautiful, fascinating woman I've ever met.” We’re talking about getting married, and I couldn’t be happier! Well, except for one little problem that’s sort of snowballed into a moral dilemma (you know, that old chestnut). My girlfriend’s parents are very traditionally religious and they really, really do not believe in premarital sex. We recently went on vacation with them (I slept in a separate room from my girlfriend, of course), but, one night my girlfriend talked me into having sex with her in the back yard (she’s got a thing for outdoor sex). The next morning, my girlfriend’s grandma insisted she’d seen two people in the back yard having sex, but, since she’s been bordering on senility for quite awhile now, no one believed her! And it looks like her insistence on what she saw (boy, does she continue to insist--over and over and over) will end up being the catalyst for the family deciding to put her in a home. My girlfriend and I would like to come forward, but are worried about that our relationship will suffer due to her parents’ anger over the backyard tryst. What should we do? Signed, Night Weenie

Dear Whipped But Good! First off, let me set you straight on something right up front you little shit! Your girlfriend didn’t “talk you into” sex in the back yard. You whipped it out, brother! You stuck it in! You need to learn to take responsibility for your actions (and she for hers). Blaming your girlfriend for your actions is pussy-boy behavior, plain and simple! That personal responsibility thing? I hope you wrote that down as you’ll see it again and again and again. Next up, I don’t care how young or stupid you are, it is morally reprehensible that you would even consider not telling her parents! Are you fucking kidding me?! Forget grandma going into a home--that might be the best place for her anyway (and hopefully she’d never be put there if it wasn’t, and hopefully, too, that decision would be based on many appropriate criteria and indicators, not just this one)--and think about the fact that your failure to speak up is making her look like senile! A woman who knows she’s right and you’re letting her take the fall?! For a little night sex?! That’s like being gay and passing anti-gay legislation in order to make sure the focus is off of you! It’s like condemning a cheating politician while you’ve got interns under your own desk! Allowing grandma to take the fall for your actions is the very height of hypocrisy and moral bankruptcy. I wouldn’t want you as a son-in-law, either! Holy shit! Look, all of my mean language aside, I’m going to give you some very practical advice: if you don’t have the balls to talk to your girlfriend’s family, and she can’t do it, either, what makes you think your marriage is going to be any different? Either you are an adult, capable of making your own decisions, on your own terms, or you are not. And if you’re not, you need to quit pretending that you are. Right now? I see a couple of scared little kids who aren’t mature enough to even be in a sexual relationship, much less considering marriage. Let’s hope that you grow the fuck up before grandma is shuffled off to Serenity Acres and thrown on the pile of medically-induced calmness that “lives” there.

LW#2: Dear Prudie. My husband and I are celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary by renewing our vows because a sow bitch of a woman posing as my mom’s best friend ruined our actual wedding and I want to replace those memories with happier ones. See, six months after our original wedding, my family found out that my dad and my mom’s supposed best friend had been having an affair. Since the “best friend” was our informal wedding planner, even participating in the wedding by screeching some out of tune song or other, the whole event’s been ruined for all of us. My mom wants me to throw things away from the wedding that remind her of her ex-BFF, and I can’t even watch the wedding video because it makes me weep. My question is, when people ask why my husband and I are renewing our vows, what should I tell them? I don’t want to spill the whole sordid story (much), but, that is the reason? Signed, No One’s Going To Fuck Up My Wedding This Time

Dear OMFG Helicopter! You are truly a fucking psycho hose beast, drama queen of the first order, aren’t you?! I don’t know if your husband qualifies for that designation, too, but you’re mom certainly does (some things just run in the family)! First off, you found out about this six fucking months after your wedding, yet, you’ve chosen to go back and poison an event that I presume was perfect in your mind prior to learning of this truly terribly tragic and completely uncommon news? Give me a fucking break. You love drama, don’t you? You live for it, actually! And now you’re looking for drama in your vow renewal! A vow renewal and you want the drama! “OMG, Prudie, what will I do if I just happen to slip up and tell someone why we’re renewing our vows?” “OMG, Prudie, what if someone actually asks me why we’re doing it? What can I possibly tell them?” Listen up, Cinderella, no one gives a flying fuck except you and your mom. You say, “Because it’s a special anniversary and we wanted to celebrate it in a special way.” That’s it. But that’s not nearly good enough for you two crazies, is it? Oh hell no! You want to bring down the drama, don’t’cha? And your mom?! What the hell is up her ass? She’s forgiven your father, but this woman who magically made your father’s dick hard using, what, dark magic and witchcraft, is now so poisonous a presence that 15 years after the fact she’s still affecting your lives? Let me tell you something: you and your mom (not the ex-friend) are perpetuating an evil, psycho bitch hatchet job on your family’s lives and if I was your husband, I’d take this time to go to the courthouse to renew my singlehood, not my vows. Get another hobby, you nut job.

LW#3: Dear Prudie. Through no fault of my own (it was actually a boss’s mistake), I found out that a co-worker of mine makes $6,000 more per year than I do. We do the same job, I have more industry experience, industry specific certifications and a bachelor’s degree. She has a master’s degree only and sucks at her job. And smells bad, too! Yeah, that’s the ticket! I’m pissed and feel like I’ve been kicked in the face. What should I do? Signed, Dumber than Dirt

Dear Idiot. You are an idiot. First off, you need to recognize that what you value in your job and what your bosses value in your job is obviously not the same thing. Feel kicked in the face all you want, but, fact is, your anger and seething rage is unfounded (especially when aimed at your coworker, which, though you didn’t say it, is obvious). Your coworker applied for a job, got it, and takes home the salary that she was offered to do that job. You comparing your credentials to hers is a fool’s errand because you don’t know why your bosses are paying her more (though you clearly think you have it all figured out why they shouldn’t be, don’t you? And, while we’re on the subject, just in case you don’t know how it works, one who has a Master’s Degree also owns a Bachelor’s. Just sayin’.). Let me repeat the important phrase. You don’t know why they’re paying her more. So, it’s sort of obvious who you need to talk to, eh? And, to me, it’s obvious who you should be angry at, too (if you absolutely must be angry, which, frankly, is just not appropriate in this situation). That would be your bosses and yourself, respectively. Tell your bosses what you found, and how you found it (that detail is important), and ask if there’s anything you can do to increase your pay. Your coworker? You don’t mention her! You talk in generalities. Your coworker’s just doing her job. Leave her the fuck out of this, understand? She’s an innocent. And if you fuck things up for her due to your unhappiness with your lot in life (which, apparently you were all happy and satisfied with prior to your discovery), may you die six thousand tiny little deaths per year for the rest of your spiteful and petty professional life.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’ve got an iron stomach and steel constitution. I’m like the freakin’ paragon of health! Yet, the last two times I’ve eaten at the house of a particular couple, I’ve gotten terrible food poisoning. I’m talking bad ju-ju! So, I’ll never again eat food they’ve prepared or touched. Problem is that I enjoy their company and they enjoy cooking and they are starting to wonder why I don’t want to come over. What should I say to them? Signed, Won’t Eat Their Sushi

Dear Iron Man. I hate to ask this (well, no I don’t), but, is it possible they’re poisoning you? I mean, are you rich and are they in your will? Might they be the beneficiaries of a life insurance policy on you that you aren’t aware of? Those possibilities aside, I think you have to just say to them, “Look guys, I’m really sorry, but, the last two times I’ve have dinner at your place, I’ve gotten really sick. Not just kind of sick, but really sick! And, seeing that I’m never sick (ever!), I have to conclude that I’m allergic to something in your kitchen. So, I’m happy to meet for dinner, or to have you over to my place, but, I’m sorry, but, I just can’t risk going through that again.” Now, of course, ideally, you would have called them after the first bout and ask them, politely, if they’d gotten sick because you’d retched all night and were trying to eliminate potential causes. Then, if you’d repeated it a second time, that would have made your final declaration of not eating at their place more palatable (no pun intended). But, since you didn’t do that, you’ve just got to approach them cold. Be apologetic but firm. Unless they got sick, too, I doubt it was due to spoiled or bad food or poor preparation habits, and rather due to some esoteric ingredient that they’re used to cooking with that your body doesn’t process well. By approaching them from that vein, instead of from a place that insinuates that they’re unclean, roach poachers (even though they may be), I think you’ll get better results. Good luck (and maybe consider hiring a taster for when they’re around!).

****
Well, Shippers, that about does it for me. I’ve recently been tipped off that a time traveler’s been caught on a film from the 1920s, speaking on her cell phone (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/28/time-traveler-caught-in-1_n_775194.html). I will spend the rest of the day investigating that possibility, probably by using my own time machine to go back to that exact date to see if I can spy the woman for myself. Of course, I’m pretty sure it’s a hoax, because, as we all know, when you travel through time, you lose your clothes and anything you’re carrying, so, she couldn’t really have had a cell phone... ;-) Fair winds and following seas to ya, Shippers!

...on Micro-Penises and Macro-Egos

2010-10-21T10:44:00.001-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2271897/ (10/21/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey, hidey and ho, Shippers! How the heck are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? All here in Smagland is going okay. I’ve taken the week off from work and have been traveling the southeast visiting family and friends. But, soon enough, I’ll be back Home and at work. Today, though, being Prudie Day (as it is), how could I be anywhere else but here? And fortunately so, because what a fine bunch of letters we have! So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’ve recently starting dating a wonderful man. He’s “smart, funny, cute, and kind.” But. You knew there’d be a “but”, huh? Well, in this case, it’s less about butt, and more about the other side. Or “less” about the other side. Prudie, he’s not well endowed. At all. Matter of fact, when we finally had sex, I found him to be so ill-endowed that I googled around a bit to see if I could diagnose his problem. Turns out that the Greeks must have invented the issue because I found that a Greek prefix, mikrós, along with the word penis, described his problem quite specifically. Prudie, he’s almost non-existent. And I consider a healthy sex life a must for a good relationship, and a healthy penis a must for a healthy sex life (and at 30, I’ve had several and I know from penises!). Plus, I like my sex to be of the penis-in-the-vagina variety. None of this oral- or toy-play for me, Prudie! No, thank you, Ma’am! Prudie, living “without an active sex life scares me”! So, what should I do? This man is great otherwise? Signed, Unfulfilled

Dear Lacking. What I think is most lacking in your relationship is not the size of your man’s penis, but rather the size of your imagination. Living “without an active sex life”?! What?! Have you never heard of any alternative to standard intercourse?! If this guy was an asshole? Sure, I’d suggest that you leave him. You know, because he was an asshole. If he beat you? I’d suggest you leave him then, too, you know, because physical abuse is bad, mmm-kay? But lack of penis size? While a problem for those, like yourself, who lack imagination and a sense of adventure or even the apparent ability to talk to your partner about the issue and explore alternatives, it’s not a problem for those who understand the fun that can be had in bed with a little motivation and ingenuity. And, just in case you were wondering, his lack of endowment may have had less to do with his shortcomings than it did with his nervousness or concern over how well he’d perform since you’re obviously way spun about your man’s third leg. Some men need a little confidence and comfort for things to realize their full potential. Who knows what’s going on with this guy, and I’m certainly not blaming you, but, it’s literally and figuratively such a small problem that you either need to try to get around it (which shouldn’t be difficult, as tiny as you say it is), or drop this guy now. Because it doesn’t sound like this problem is something you’re going to be able to get past. And neither of you deserve that.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I have an acquaintance whose four-year-old daughter recently completed cancer treatment. The acquaintance posted a request on FaceBook for friends to donate hair so that the daughter could have a custom wig made. I heard later, through a mutual friend, that the mother wanted me to donate my hair, specifically, to her daughter. Prudie, even though it makes me feel terrible, I don’t want to! I like my hair! It’s my favorite thing about me! And further, I’ve seen pictures of the daughter on FaceBook wearing a wig already. Couldn’t a cash donation be enough?! Signed, Sampson, not Delilah!

Dear Harriet, This request of your acquaintance is particularly troublesome. As an acquaintance, you owe nothing to this woman (or her daughter). And, as an acquaintance who’s been asked through the grapevine, second-hand, to donate her hair, you owe even less! Hell, even as a good friend or family member, you’d owe nothing other than what you, on your own, decided to give. So, I’m just triply perplexed as to what’s at issue here. My guess is that your mutual “friend” has way overstepped her bounds and that the acquaintance would be mortified if she learned of this request on her daughter’s behalf. I have a feeling that the acquaintance mentioned in passing how beautiful your hair is and your “friend” took it upon herself to get involved. If so, it’s a request easily solved by ignoring it completely and by mentally noting your friend’s tactics should they show up again in the future. If not, it sounds like your FaceBook group is pretty fucked up and you need to remove yourself from their presence wholesale. As is, there are so many things wrong with this story that I don’t know where to begin with advice, but, I will say that what’s most important is that you always give from the heart. If you want to donate to a cause, do so! But, never as some “surrogate” for the hair that you don’t want to donate (nor should you be pressured into donating) in the first place! Do it because you feel genuinely compelled. Being as you’ve never even met the little girl in question, and aren’t even certain of her health, it seems to me you should be outside consideration for any donation requests involving gifts directly from your person.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I likes me the drama! I mean, seriously, do I ever! But wait, okay, let me start at the beginning. My husband of one month (with whom I’m very, very happy, by the way) cheated on me over a year before we got engaged. We got over that little hiccup, obviously, and are sup-sup-super happy now! But, at a recent bachelorette party (celebrating a bride for whom I’m a bridesmaid), in walked “the other woman”! How could the bride, my friend, do this to me?! How could she invite this woman to celebrate with us on our special day?! I was, understandably distraught. I tried not to make a scene, but, having thought all along that the bride, my friend, hated this woman as much as I did, I can’t understand why she’d (the bride) invite her (the bitch) to our party and wedding. I seethed quietly in the corner, but, like a big girl, didn’t cause a scene (much). But now I don’t know what to do? Should I quit the wedding and my friend? I think I deserve to be able to, considering how much I’ve been put out. Signed, Always the Jilted, Never the Jiltee

Dear Drama Queen, how about if you’d have quietly taken the bride aside and just asked her what’s up? Further, and I know this may come as a total fucking surprise to you, the other woman may have had no idea about you and your, as-of-then, not-even fiancé. You’ve forgiven him completely, but the other woman is still a husband-stealing bitch? Okay, got it. Look, I’m know that I’m being extreme and mean here, but, damn! First off, this isn’t your wedding. Not sure if you recognized that, but, I thought it was worth a mention. You don’t get to make the guest list, nor are you required to be consulted during its making. You’re a guest, not the hostess. If this bride is a good friend of yours--good enough for you to be her bridesmaid--shouldn’t you feel close enough to her to be able to ask if she knew how you feel about the other woman? You know, like a person who wears big girl panties and doesn’t revel in drama? Further, if you are totally happy and secure in your marriage, give this whole thing a rest for the few hours it’ll take and just enjoy the wedding. If you can’t, though, by all means, tell the bride that you’re very, very sorry, that but you can’t make it. Try to do everything you can to mitigate the effect your leaving on such short notice will cause on the ceremony (my guess is that it won’t be a problem), and do so without issuing any dramatic monologues or ultimatums about “either it’s her or me, bitch!”, complete with head wagging and finger snapping. My guess is that it’ll be better for all involved.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’m well into my education toward becoming a lawyer. I have just over a year left, but, truth is, I hate it! I mean, the more I learn about law, the more I hate the whole thing! As a result, I’ve put very little effort into my studies. Further, I feel guilty because, not only have my parents sacrificed greatly for my education, my mom thinks that lawyering is my dream job and can’t seem to talk about anything other than how happy she is for me! My only escape nowadays is via books that have nothing to do with law, and through daydreaming. What should I do? Signed, So Not Into Litigation

Dear Are You Sure You’re Not Just Scared of Failing (or Already Failing). First off, you have to recognize that you’ve recently learned that you don’t like this profession after a long time of thinking that you would. I’m going to lay something amazing on you: you might find in a year that there are tons of things that you would like to do as a lawyer (or in a law-related field). You just haven’t been exposed to them yet. You’re so young right now and lacking in life experience that everything is black and white. You like it, you hate it. That is bad, this is good. As you become more and more seasoned, you’ll find that very little (if anything) in life is so dramatically defined (unless, of course, you become an ultra-conservative third party advocate, in which case, black and white and fear is par for the course...). Look, the nearly-complete degree is what’s important here, not nearly so much what type it is. So, complete your education, and, in the meantime, take advantage of the people in the world who can help you find a way to a job that will fulfill you (like your mom, your professors, the school’s counselors, lawyers, Prudie, etc.). You may be pleasantly surprised to find that your calling is actually in law, or a law-related field, but, too, you might find that it’s not. Either way, your law degree won’t hurt you a bit. How could it? Or, are you perhaps having a more difficult time than you’re letting on, and trying to find a way out before your poor performance is discovered and reported? Are you in danger of flunking out and so are now trying desperately to manufacture an alibi? Regardless of what’s at the core of your problem, my advice stands. Get some help from those around you. Tell them what’s on your mind. Ask them for help. Most actually want to help you! :-) Take that advice that seems worthwhile and discard the rest. If you do or don’t follow my instructions, you won’t be any worse off than you are right now, but, by doing it, you might actually get some good help and/or guidance. And in that case, it’ll have been well worth the effort.

****
Well, Shippers, that about does it for me for this week. I’m going to go back to relaxing through the weekend. Then, it’s back to the happy grind on Monday. Happy Prudie Day to you all, and to all, a good night! Fair winds and following seas, Shippers!

...on Denial, Dental Transgressions, Human Trafficking and Unwitting Nannies

2010-10-14T08:46:00.004-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2271005/ (10/14/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey Hidey and Ho, Shippers! How in the heck are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? What interesting things are going on in your neck of the woods? School? Festivals? The new TV season? There’s loads of good stuff, eh?! Plus, we continue to get letters! Three cheers for Prudie Day! And, with that in mind, let’s get right to it, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I grew up being a short-tempered, mean, spiteful bitch. But, I’ve really worked hard on that and on being patient with others. And I’ve really gotten better! Case in point: I recently attended my brother’s wedding. The whole family was there, many of us traveling from way far away. Like, I mean, waaaay far! Which, as you know, if there’s ever an excuse to be grumpy, that’s it! So, okay, admittedly, I was a little short tempered with everyone. I may have even been a little mean, but, only after the ceremony, blowing up at the family (just that once), with my sister taking the brunt of it. Well, I apologized to her. Twice, even! And that hateful thing still won’t speak to me, claiming it’s all my fault?! Now my family wants me to make nice with her! How dare they? I’m thinking of just dropping them all, the ungrateful shits. I mean, it was just that one little outburst! What do you think? Signed, I Once Was Mean, But Now I’m Not

Dear Blind Woman, Narcissa. You have a sickness. I’m not a professional treater of brain and/or psychological disorders, but I’m guessing it’s called Narcissistic Self-centered Personality Disorder with overt World Revolves Around Me tendencies. NSPD WRAM for short. Or, just “Flaming Bitch Disease” (FBD), for shorter. And, just so you know, things are going to get worse from here. Growing up, your family had to put up with you. Out of obligation. Now? As an adult? They can and will choose to dump your ass. And you may claim you want that, but, being as I guarantee that you have an awfully hard time keeping friends, that’s not something you want...you know, deep down in the black space where your heart resides. You notice how your solution to this problem was to immediately blame your family and threaten to quit them? You have a problem that needs serious treatment. In AA, they call it “stinkin’ thinkin’” and it’s noted by always blaming everyone else for one’s own behavior and for the consequences that result from said behavior. You are in the wrong here. You can’t even hide that fact in a letter meant to paint you in a less offensive light. And I barely know you! So what do you think the real reality is?! I hope you can find help because you truly need it, but, all the help in the world won’t do a thing so long as you think it’s acceptable to be mean to other people. Even once. Even when you’ve traveled all the way from The City! It’s one thing to be mean to Letter Writers via the Internet. It’s a whole other thing to do it in real life, with real people and real family members (who are real people, too, by the way). Don’t address this and you may get exactly what you claim to want: life without your family (and trust me when I tell you that you don’t have any friends that’ll stick by you through more than your family already has, so, you may want to consider that in your calculations).

P.S. I love that you had the balls to sign off your actual letter with the handle “Vivisected.” You are a true and utter piece of ~~shit~~ work.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, Last week I had some pretty significant dental surgery. I arranged for a coworker/friend to pick me up from the dentist’s office and to drop me at the bus stop that’s on his way home. Unfortunately, I don’t recall anything until after the bus ride. The coworker/friend says that I was sexually aggressive with him, even going so far as to stick my hand down his pants, causing him to have to pull off the road! He’s now very distant. Prudie, I don’t remember any of this! I am a gay man, but not aggressive, and I would never, under normal circumstances, anyway, treat anyone that way! I’m afraid that he now thinks I have a crush on him, which could not only ruin our working relationship, but what (if anything) is left of our friendship. What can I do? Help! Signed, Regretful Passenger

Dear Amnesiatic Anesthesiatic. This is a cruddy situation and there’s only one thing for it. Talk to the guy! Tell him what you’ve said here! The words don’t have to be perfect, just honest. Explain that you honestly don’t remember a thing. Point out that people do and say weird things all the time under anesthesia, and that those things aren’t always, or even often, accurate or indicative of anything. Apologize for your behavior, but don’t try to downplay it. Admit that it was probably really weird for your friend and offer that you’ll never ask him to pick you up from the dentist’s again! Further, and I think this is important, too, learn from this adventure that if you’re ever under anesthesia again, you need to have a better, more understanding friend pick you up---one that actually takes you home and ensures that you’re safe before leaving you! I’m disappointed that your friend dropped you at the bus stop while you were displaying such uncharacteristic behavior. Would he have done the same with a female co-worker? Or a hetero co-worker who perhaps had been making passes at/trying to grope women on the way to the car? That may inform you about where the friendship actually was with this guy. I wish you luck.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I recently found out that my cruddy apartment is run by a man who used to deal in (and was convicted of) human trafficking. Some of it out of the very apartment I live in! He served time and was released. Now that I know this, I can’t stand to write the check to this animal every month. It seems morally wrong. What can I do? Signed, Repugnant-ized

Dear Judge Judy (or Jim). Look, I don’t know how you’re colluding your honest paying of the rent and this man receiving honest rent for an honest room with his past. Your paying rent for a room is simply that. It’s not supporting the sex trade. It’s not condoning this man’s past. It’s you putting a roof over your head. You can’t break the lease without taking a huge financial hit, so, either take the hit or don’t. If you don’t, move out when your lease is up. Who knows what this man actually did, though? What if he was falsely accused and just trying to make it in an honest living now? I'm not saying that's true, but, how/where are you getting your info? Gossip? Reliable sources? Whatever it was, provided you aren’t paying him for anything illegal (you aren’t, are you?), you are just a human being doing the best you can to get by. Further, if you have no indication that he’s currently running the sex trade out of your room (have you checked for cameras), you may be helping a man rehabilitate himself and become a productive member of society with a second chance (no promises there, but, it is possible). And, like it or not, that’s not entirely unworthy, either.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, with the birth of our third child, my husband and I decided that I should become a stay-at-home mom. It makes good financial and logical sense. The problem? Now that this change has occurred, my SIL (my husband’s sister) has started dropping off her kids in the evening for child care prior to heading for work. Her husband picks them up a couple of hours later when he gets off work. The SIL has started making noises about not signing up her kids for daycare this summer. I don’t get paid for this care, Prudie, nor do I expect to be, but, I am starting to feel like I’m being taken for granted. What should I do?! Signed, Not My Sister’s Nanny!

Dear Nanny, You need to talk to your husband and tell him that this won’t work. I don’t mean that you can’t talk to your SIL yourself, and explain to her that you’re happy to watch her kids every once in awhile, but that you cannot do it on a daily, or even a frequent, basis. But, your husband has to be in support, and, I have a sneaky suspicion that this was all actually his idea! He probably offered up your services because, you know, you’re now a “stay at home mom”, so, “of course you’ll have time!” If that’s true, he’s an idiot. Of the Tenth Order. Why don’t you have him care for all five kids for two weeks while you go on vacation? He’ll be singing his happy ass a different tune then, I guarantee it! So, ideally, you’ve got to get his support lined up and you two need to speak with his sister. With him in the lead and without any snide-ass rolling of his eyes. And if you sense even the slightest bit of resistance from him, you need to kick him in the nuts and just talk to the SIL yourself. But know that it’s your husband who should be supporting you in this. I wish you luck as this sounds deeper than just watching your in-laws’ kids.

****
Well, Shippers, that about does it for me! I’m looking forward (soon) to watching some episodes of “Connections” on YouTube! Do you guys remember that show?! Some believe it should be academically-required material for all kids. I say that holds for adults, too! :-) Here’s hoping that I have the time to curl up with a nice hot cup of coffee and watch all of them soon! Good cheer, Shippers! Fair Winds and Following Seas to you all!

...on Fake Happiness, Sadness, Angst and Ownership

2010-10-07T11:26:00.004-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2270172/ (10/06/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! And a happy Prudie Day to you, one and all! How are you today? How’s fall treating you? Allergies acting up? Weather have you digging for your sweaters? I hope that everyone’s well! Except for our LWs. Well, not that I wish un-wellness for them, of course, it’s just that, reading their letters, I’m pretty sure they’re none too chipper. Oh well, all the more fun for us, eh? :-) With that in mind, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my husband of nine years and I are so happy together! We have beautiful children and a lovely family life and everything is just sunny and peachy! I love him so much! But, a few years ago, he started a new job and met a single man there with whom he had an instant bond. They have become inseparable, to the point of taking frequent camping trips together, talking all the time on the phone, hugging, touching each other, sharing salutations of “love you”, etc. My husband doesn’t even say that to his own father?! Fact is, Prudie, I’m jealous. I hate that, but, I am. My husband has offered to cut off his relationship with this man if I want. And Prudie, my husband is so not gay, so, let’s just put that ten miles and a stone’s throw out of our minds, okay? But still, I’m uneasy. I miss my husband! Help! Signed, Feeling Like a Third Wheel

Dear You Are A Third Wheel. Look, I’m not going to get into whether or not your husband is gay or bi or whatever. Fact is, that’s irrelevant to this conversation. What is relevant is that you feel unloved and feel that your husband’s affection for you has been replaced by affection for someone else. Well, at least that’s what you claim to feel? You say you have a happy marriage with a wonderful life. So, which is it? Happy or not happy? Unhappy person with a broken marriage, or, harpy, jealous bitch with a great marriage? Look, the truth is that the romance is gone from your marriage. You have bills, kids, lots of stressors. That’s a fact. You’re focusing on your husband’s friend as the cause, and perhaps rightfully so. The fact that your husband would offer to drop the friend actually lends credence to this fact. If there was nothing there, and if your husband thought the idea was absurd, he’d have surely questioned what in the hell kinda stick was up your ass. But he apparently didn’t. The cause might just be the normal malaise that many relationships take on when two people take each other for granted. Either way, what you have to do is figure out what you need from your husband and communicate that to him. Do you want more alone time with just the two of you? Do you want to be included in the camping trips or conversations? Do you want the “fire” back in your relationship? You’ve got to tell him what you need and see if it can be worked out. If it can’t, it can’t. Look, I don’t know if this Mr. Friendly Usurper is just a symptom of the dysfunction in your marriage or the cause. He's been with you and your husband for half your married life. He’s embedded, so there’s no easy fix here. But the start is talking to your husband. As a side note, though, if all of this is because you’re worried that your husband is cheating on you (regardless of the cheatee’s gender), your marriage is already likely broken beyond repair. Confront your husband and air your concerns. What have you got to lose?

LW#2: Dear Prudie, My adult daughter is a female version of Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker. Except, sadly, she has no van down by the river to live in, she’s not a provider of motivation, nor does she try to be. Prudie, she’s an uncured alcoholic (though we’ve tried--Lord, have we tried) who lives under a bridge and is near death. I thought I’d made my peace with this fact, but her daughters, my granddaughters (21 and 19 years old), recently went to my daughter under the bridge and took pictures of her, and then posted the pictures to FaceBook. They included a sad and gut wrenching narrative. I believe this to be a terrible indignity that my daughter doesn’t deserve. No one else in the family is upset by it. Am I wrong to be? Signed, Loving, But Resigned Mom

Dear Resigned Mom. I’m so sorry for your loss. There are victims here, loads of them, but your daughter is least victimized of all. Actually she’s not a victim, she’s the perpetrator. These pictures? Dust. Does that mean she deserves to have her likeness plastered all over FaceBook for all the world to see? No. Your granddaughters, as in the wrong as they may be, are only causing the smallest nick in the shredded dignity that you imagine your daughter to possess. And, for the record, who they see under that bridge is not your daughter, but their mother. Or at least the woman who should have been their mother. The woman whose responsibility it was to raise them, care for them, protect them from harm. Instead, they got a dud. And they’re still babies--angry, pissed off, hurt and mourning babies. Babies who can’t understand why their own mother doesn’t love them enough to fucking straighten up her life for their sake. And they’re just trying to make sense of that in the way that their peer group does. They’re doing the best they can with a truly shitty situation. Are you helping them navigate the ridiculously piss-poor hand that they’ve been dealt, or are you blaming them for it? As to your question, was what they did wrong? Yes. Does that make you happy, knowing that? You may have made peace with your daughter’s lot in life, but you’re still in enabler mode, and you need to fix that, pronto, or you’re going to lose more than just one family member...

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I’m a successful attorney who does tons of pro bono work, makes healthy donations to my friends’ causes and tries to be a genuinely good guy. I recently purchased a new car. That’s a fact that I tried to hide from my friends because I just knew how they’d react. Predictably, they’ve all responded with sneering comments of how many death row inmates could have been released with the money I dropped on the car, how it should have been a hybrid, etc. Damnit, Prudie, when did honest work and yaddah-yaddah-yaddah become a crime? Signed, I Work Hard For The Money, So Hard For It Honey

Dear Hard Worker Working Hard. You know, you had me 100% in your corner until your sad sap bullshit about “doesn’t anyone value an honest day’s work and paying taxes?”. Give me a fucking break. You need to expunge that shit from your vocabulary, lest you become just as douchebaggy as your friends. Speaking of, your “friends” suck. Anyone from whom you have to hide the fact that you’ve bought a new car is not a friend. They’re a jealous shit bag. You should not encourage that shittiness by remaining in its presence. Understand what I’m sayin’? Good.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, My husband occasionally buzz cuts his hair. He’s a handsome man, but, when he does this, he’s less so. I hate it and don’t ever want him to do it--ever again! I’ve told him so. I’ve explained how it makes me feel like less of a woman when he does this. I’ve explained how I have rights regarding his choice of hairstyle. The hair on his head became our hair, Prudie, the moment he said “I do.” How can I convince him of this? Signed, My Husband’s Keeper

Dear Hair Hitler. Once or twice a year your husband likes to get his head buzzed (I’m guessing it’s when it’s hot out?), and that pisses you off, eh? Well, guess what? Unless you’d like to be subject to his fashion whims and desires (ready to wear the Princess Lea gold bikini for him?), he doesn’t have to be subject to yours. And, further, if you are ready to be subject to his whims, and he to yours, you’re both fucked up and sick in the head. I don’t care if your husband decides to wear ass-less leather chaps, commando style, when going out to the town mall, you have no right to tell him jack shit about what he wears. What you do have a right to do is tell him that you won’t go to the mall with him dressed like that, but that’s it. You don’t like his hair? Too fucking bad. It’s not yours. Ever. You do understand that you actually do end at the tip of your nose, right? That you and he aren’t a continuum existing solely for your pleasure, right? You want to style people’s hair for them? Buy some fucking dolls.

****
Well, shippers, that about does it! I’m busily looking for concert tickets, hoping that I’ll find a Creed/Nickelback show that last for three days. Just those two bands. Acoustic shows, a cappella shows, electric shows, combo shows, etc. That would be musical Nirvana (no, not the band) and the reaching of the final level, all rolled into one great festival of awesomeness. But, it’ll probably never happen. That much awesomeness in one venue would likely cause The Rapture to occur and that wouldn’t be good as those who’d yet to see the Creed/Nickelback show would surely be sent straight to Hell. Oh well, a man can dream, can’t he? I mean, think of all of us hangin’ out in Hell together with Nickelback and Creed?! Awesome! :-) Good cheer to you all, Shippers! Fair winds and following seas.

...on Swingers, Retirement, Fast Food Careers and Fraud

2010-09-30T09:15:00.004-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2269153/ (9/30/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day?! I hope that all’s well, that you’re relishing October’s impending dawn, and that, overall, life is good. Are you fans of football? Baseball? Theater? Dance? They’re all in full swing this time of year. Matter of fact, I recently attended a concert by one of my all-time favorite guitarists. Cameras were strictly forbidden, but, I enjoy this guitarist so much that I couldn’t help myself (I shot some video from inside my concert program, which I held under my chin as if I was resting on it--I couldn’t see what I was shooting, so it’s not the best in the world, but...). Anyway, if you appreciate incredible guitar work and unique renditions of old standards, you may enjoy this video (my apologies for the truncated opening): here. Okay, enough of that. We’ve got letters! So, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I have a long sad story, but I’ll try to cut it short for you. My parents recently died in an accident. At the funeral, a couple approached us whom my brother and I have not seen in years. They were the former inseparable best friends of my parents. They informed us that our parents were swingers and that they (this couple) had been our parents’ partners. We freaked (justifiably) and hoped to never hear from them again. Well, since then, the husband has contacted both my brother and me demanding video tapes that he claims my parents shot depicting various levels of congress between the two couples. He said that if we don’t comply, he’ll tell anyone and everyone who’ll listen about our parents’ history. This is all terrible news, somewhat frightening, and, it’s certainly not made the prospect of cleaning out our parents’ house any less savory. What can we do? Do we involve the police? Signed, We So Did Not Sign On For This

Dear Eyes (Now) Wide Open, I’m extremely sorry for your loss, and, on top of that, the added grief of a real life asshole pestering you. Please know that I understand and empathize with you on those fronts. But, as for anything else, I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand your problem? Block this fucktard assmunch from your phone and e-mail. Tell him if he ever fucking calls you again that you will get a civil restraining order against him and his wife. Further, tell him that you don’t give a flying FUCK what he tells people about your parents. Say to him, “You want to tell? Have a ball!” (and say it like you know it’s punny). If people believe him, and if it matters to them, then they weren’t your parents’ true friends, anyway. True friends? They’ll punch the fucker in the nose. The only power this man’s threat has is what you give it. If you accept your parents as sexual beings, he has no power over you. At all. As for the prospect of cleaning out your parents’ house, aside from the tragedy that this situation is (and I really do sympathize), this is no different from what I said above. Everyone has secrets. Everyone. And your parents’ aren’t all that particularly tawdry, if you want to know the truth. They had a sex life. Sounds like it was kind of kinked. So? Listen, if you find a tape with a little sexy-sexy, just destroy it. How hard could that be (again with the puns--sorry!)? Good luck. I know you’ll do the right thing.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my father is retiring after sixty years at the same business! My husband and I have worked there for the last thirty years, and many of our colleagues have been there that long or longer. We’re planning a great party and roast for my dad and we’re all really looking forward to it. The problem? My sister is coming from out of town with her boyfriend. It’s his "birthday weekend" and she wants to acknowledge it at my dad’s retirement party with a song and cake?! I told her that I didn’t think that was appropriate, so she’s decided not to come, claiming that my statement was indicative of how I (and our family) feel about her boyfriend. My father will be heartbroken if she’s not there. What should I do? Signed, So Over That Bitch’s Drama

Dear The Good Sister, first off, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not follow Prudie’s advice by acting as if you have some kind of control over your sister's life. That plays right into your sister’s manipulative hands. Your sister’s put you over a barrel, you see. She’s made it to where you are the villain for causing her not to come! And, fact is, that cannot be allowed to stand. What you do is exactly the opposite of what Prudie says. You tell your sister that she is an adult and can do whatever in the hell she chooses to do at your father’s retirement ceremony. If she wants to bring cake and party hats for her boyfriend’s celebration (and if he’s a jackass enough to go along with it) and have the guests sing happy birthday for him (a man they absolutely don't know), that’s on her. You should neither condemn nor condone it. You are planning a retirement party for your father and that’s all that you’re planning. Your sister’s actions are neither your responsibility nor your concern. You are not her keeper. Never, ever, ever be embarrassed for the actions of others. And never try to control the actions of others. I have a sneaking suspicion that once this decision is put back on your sister instead of on you, the issue will resolve itself quite nicely. She’d have to be a complete idiot to celebrate her BF’s birthday at your dad’s retirement party. But, if she does, you’ve got to learn to let it go. It takes two to tango, Sis, and you’re currently providing the music.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, My wife is the bestest, best wife that has ever been. She’s as wonderful as the most wonderful goddess ever! We’re so hap-hap-fucking-happy that we couldn’t be happier if Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fucking Kaye! Aside from that, I am terribly embarrassed by her job. Prudie, she doesn’t like authority, so has never kept a job for over two years. Her latest place of employ is a fast food joint. When all of my high class, super-duper friends and colleagues at my snooty and high-powered advertising job ask me what my wife does for a living, I don’t know what to say (their wives are all firefighting, best-selling authors and Nobel laureates who strip on the side as they’ve all, to a woman, kept their bodies in pre-baby form). Once I tell them what wife's job is, it usually leads to awkward silence and then to laughs, as if I’ve made a joke. It’s no joke, Prudie. What can I do? Signed, Married to an Edsel

Dear Idiot. Let’s combine my advice to LWs #1 and #2 for you, okay? First off, who gives a rat’s tiny hairy ass what anyone thinks of your wife’s anything?! What is this, a cattle call and show-and-tell, all wrapped with a corporate bow? If they don’t like what your wife does, fuck them. They only have power over you because you lend it to them. Got me? Second, you should never, ever, ever be embarrassed for the actions of others. If your wife is a terrible worker who can’t hold a job, so be it. The question is, do you love her? If you do, fuck those guys! Who gives two rips about them? If you don’t, you need to figure out why. If it’s due to embarrassment, that’s pretty sad and should show you just how weak you are. If it’s jealousy over their having wonderful wives, you are a clueless idiot. We’ve all got secrets. Remember? And believe me, none of you are nearly as clever or snoot-worthy as you think you are. But, hey, love is a fickle thing. I don't know what's up in your marriage and certainly won’t condemn you for feeling whatever you feel. You just need to know the truth and embrace it, okay? As for your happy marriage? Yeah, right.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, My oldest friend is going to school for a very nebulous, somewhat shady-sounding college "diploma". The program calls for coursework in an elective second language, but his classes in the area of study for his program have him swamped. And the language requirement is just an elective (even though, you know, it’s called a “requirement”). He doesn’t reckon he should have to take this “requirement” and has offered to pay me to take the “requirement” for him. I know him to be qualified, so, should I do it? Signed, Fraudy McFraudster

Dear Asshole. Yepper, college is so hard that your friend just can’t manage it alone, eh? And you're qualified to judge his qualifications. Okay, got it. How about you give me a break you brain-dead, retread, inbred, got me seeing red, want to take you out to the woodshed, big, fat meathead. What you’re talking about is justification of fraud. Your friend’s degree will be worthless. A piece of toilet paper with fancy words on it. You’re justifying his bullshit by reasoning that he’s done the coursework in the important stuff. Let me tell you something about electives. They’re there precisely because they broaden one’s mind and expose one to courses of study outside one's comfort zone. They’re also required for the degree. If your friend wants to have a degree in just his area of interest, tell him to go to vo-tech school. If he wants a "college diploma" that means something (or at least means as much as those who didn’t cheat to get theirs), he needs to, you know, actually do the coursework. You can help him be a cheater if you want. That’s on you. But know full well that he didn’t complete shit if you do. He’ll be a fraud. A fake. A liar. And his excuse about being so busy in his in-subject coursework? Hey, you know, college ain’t for everyone. Some people just can’t hack it, apparently. Others do this magical thing called taking an extra semester to complete their coursework. Asshole.

****
Well, shippers, that about does it! Another week down, another week done! You know, sometimes with these letters, I feel like we’re all Scott Peterson’s defense attorneys, set up with an impossible task due to our client’s idiocy. Oh well, that’s half the fun of this exercise, eh? :-) Good cheer to you all. Fair winds and following seas, and, may the wind always be at your back and never, ever at your front (cause that makes everything all shrivel-y, unless you’re a girl, in which case, I favor cool wind at your front. Sorry, just how I am.). ‘Til next week...

...on Past Teachers, Present Nipples and Two Spoiled Girls

2010-09-23T08:00:00.003-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2268221/ (9/23/10) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! And a mighty, “Ahoy Mateys!” to you and yours! How are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I hope well. I hope that you’re having a chance to get out in this wonderful weather! I haven’t. Yet. But, that’s by choice. I continue to slog through school in the evenings. They say this’ll be worth it! They say an education is something that can never be taken away! We shall see. :-) At any rate, all of this good cheer and chitchat aside, we’ve got letters. And at least one is sauciness-worthy! So, with that in mind, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, when I was a kid, I had a teacher who bullied me mercilessly. It’s been a long, hard slog of it since then. I’ve barely survived, but, in fact, I have. As a matter of fact, I’ve gone on to earn an MA in Education and am now applying for work in the same school district where I grew up. I was horrified recently to find that my old nemesis was still teaching! At the same school! I don’t want to work with her, Prudie, but I need a job. And, too, I’m horrified that she’s still teaching. What should I do? What can I do? Signed, Inexperienced Educator

Dear Potentially Still Unemployed. My guess is that your former teacher doesn’t remember you. But, if you do start working where she does (a big “if”), and, if she does remember you, you should claim, in your best innocent face and confused look, that you have no idea who she is? Say something like, “I’m sure you were a great teacher, but, I just don’t remember you? Are you sure I was in your class?” And then walk away as if you’re distracted with anything but her. Engaging this woman in any way about the past only gives her power over you. You need to get past her and realize that fact. Also, note that your accusations are just that. Accusations. They cannot be proven, they cannot be corroborated, and, as such, are absolutely worthless. Hear me? Absolutely worthless. Now, if you do get a job there (which, whoa there, Skippy, you certainly may not), and, if you hear through the grapevine that she’s under investigation for bullying, you can, confidentially, speak with the investigator. Prudie’s idea of sneaking around doing super-sleuthing and reporting on her every move only empowers this woman more! And weakens you. You need to get the fuck over her and move on with your life, vowing to never, ever, ever treat a student the way she treated you.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I am one of three women (or, men who wear bras) who own a successful business in a cutthroat industry. Though we don’t have a formally-stated dress code, we’ve all three seemed to understand the need for outstanding personal appearance, at the very least, when meeting with clients. Recently, one of my two colleagues has been attending client meetings braless. Obviously so. My other colleague and I are beside ourselves with horror over this development and worried about what it’ll do to our business reputation and professional appearance! What can we do? Signed, Someone Who Knows When to Hold ‘Em

Dear Party Pooper. If you’re noticing, you clients are noticing. And only you three know your clients well enough to know if your friend’s free-range nipples will be a problem with the business. If they are, you can simply say, “Jill, listen, we’re all about freeing the girls, but we’re afraid it could potentially affect business. And, even if it doesn’t, it’s making us uncomfortable, which will affect business, so, when we’re meeting clients, would you please put those things away?” The only caveat that I’m attaching to this advice is that you have to make sure that it’s the business, and potential bad effects thereof, that’s driving your concern, and not some messed up power play or some jealousy thing over Jill’s tits and her newfound freedom with them (I don't know what there is to be jealous of regarding freed tits--are they "new", perhaps?--but, you get my drift, yes? Just really analyze your motivations so that you can go to her honestly and openly with no doubts.). And if you aren’t absolutely certain about whether or not her appearance is appropriate, please feel free to take and send me several pictures of Jane. I’ll let you know.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, my husband’s business closed shop last year. It was a terrible time for us, and it’s been quite a struggle. The only good thing about his unemployment has been that, over the last ten months, my husband has been home all day, every day, for me and our toddler. He’s recently found a great job, with great benefits, but the hours are long. It’s making our, um, toddler (yeah, that’s it) very sad to not have him around to help take care of things. Wait! What I meant was, to not be there for our toddler! And our toddler is mourning this loss by crying all day, every day. What can I do to guilt my husband into quitting this job? Signed, I Don’t Like Being a Mommy

Look, I don’t have time for pleasantries, or even trying to disguise your letter as reasonable. You need to buck the fuck up and quit laying the guilt on your husband just because your job as mom to your toddler is fucking hard (or because you miss your husband). Yes, it is hard! Anyone who’s ever raised a toddler recognizes that fact. But, sadly, it’s not bringing any money into the house. And, unless you’re independently wealthy, the goddamned guilt trip you’re laying on your husband is only serving to make him feel like shit. ‘Cause it sure as fuck isn’t helping anything. It’s doubly nasty because you’re making it about him being a poor father to his toddler. And that’s the lowest of the low right there. You can certainly talk to him (on occasion) about trying to find a job with better hours while still working this one, but, in case you haven’t noticed, jobs aren’t growing on trees these days. Hey, maybe you could get a job with great hours and benefits that earns enough to keep the house going and let your husband stay at home? But, if you do, make damn sure the hours are acceptable to him. We wouldn’t want to cause any mommy abandonment issues with the boy, now would we?

LW#4: Dear Prudie, my daughter likes to have a friend over to our house. We welcome the friend, and enjoy her company most of the time. However, she’s a very picky eater. She never wants to eat what my wife has cooked (even though our kids are fine with it), and insists on other things. My wife offers a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but our guest doesn’t like the wheat bread with which it’s made. What can we do? We’re not running a restaurant here! Signed, Frustrated Father

Dear You May Be a Father, But You Need To Be An Adult. You need to learn a valuable lesson in dealing with kids. It’s the two (or three) choice rule, and you (or your wife) determine what gets to be chosen. The rules might be, “Jane, you may either have what’s on the table, or, a PB&J, made with this bread. Which would you like?” If she complains, saying she wants something else, simply repeat her two choices. If she chooses neither and decides instead not to eat (which is a valid third choice), she’ll definitely not starve, I assure you. However, some days, your wife may not feel like even making a PB&J. Maybe she's tired? Maybe she's spent all day on what's on the table. You know what Jane’s two (and only two) choices should be that day? “Jane, you may eat what’s on the table, or not. Your choice.” You should not entertain other options. If at any time she tries to introduce an unacceptable choice, you simply and calmly reiterate to her the choices that she does have. This is about Jane making a choice, not about you accommodating her. And never forget that she can also be offered to choose between these two choices: staying at your house or going home. And for that calm feeling you’ll have when you master this system? You’re welcome.

****
Well, Shippers, that about does it! I’ll leave you with this parting advice, though. If you must snack at night, try to make the food very neutral and mellow. If, however, you choose to go with chili over fish, please, please, please write down and post on The Fray your resultant dreams! They’re wonderfully entertaining, and hopefully well worth the discomfort--at least for your readers! That one’s aimed at you, Diving Buddy! Mwah! :-)

...on Creepy, Angry In-Laws, the Past, the Present and the Future

2010-09-16T12:54:00.003-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2267469/ (9/15/10) <---Original Prudie Letter Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I hope that you’re well, that life is treating you fantabulastically, and that you’re enjoying the mellower and breezier fall weather (if you’re having it--here’s hoping that you are)? All here is okay, but very, very busy. Healthcare Finance & Accounting is the most difficult course I’ve ever taken and will admit to a bit of despair every time I pick up the course book. Having an instructor who is less interested in teaching than in facilitating the class’s “struggle” to learn (because, I guess, he thinks we’ll better understand it that way) doesn’t help, either! But, as mermaids are fond of saying, “Oh well!” At any rate, we can’t talk about that stuff as we have letters to get to, right?! So, let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my daughter has been dating a boy for four years and they’ve recently become engaged. While I definitely don’t want to intrude on my daughter’s love life, I’m a little uneasy about her fiancé. He’s “gotten so close to me that his crotch rubbed against my back; and he's undone his pants, and then spent an inordinate amount of time tucking in his shirt while facing me.” My husband thinks he has a crush on me. I think it’s weird and am made so uncomfortable by it that I don’t want him around our younger daughter. I don’t want to be around him, either. But, as I say, I don’t want to interfere with my elder daughter’s love life. What should I do? Signed, Secretly (or not) Admired

Dear Not Wanting to Interfere. I’m not sure what the issue is with your daughter or why that seems to be the point of your letter? You don’t talk much about her relationship with the boy, if he makes her happy, etc. That’s what’ll ultimately determine the fate of their relationship. Hopefully she’s got better instincts than you do regarding how to deal with men, though! Listen, you are allowed to confront people when they act inappropriately toward you. What sort of message do you think it sends your daughters that you don’t stand up for yourself to someone clearly and absolutely disrespecting you?! Does your husband treat you like an object, too? Do other men? This boy is way, way, way out of line with you. You need to confront him. Not about you daughter or their relationship, but about how he treats you! You have every right to do so! Say, “Listen here, Slick! You will not ever touch me without being invited. Ever! Do you understand me?! You will not, ever, unbutton your pants in front of me. Ever again! Do you get me? If you do, you will no longer be welcome in my home. Period.” If your husband doesn’t get that, if he can’t understand your concerns, you need to have a talk with him, too. Of course, that requires you telling him exactly what’s happened, which, from your letter, I can't tell if you’ve done or not. You are not required to let men walk all over you. You know that, right? Do this for your daughters’ sakes. Do it for yours. Damn!

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I was treated terribly in elementary school. I was overweight, unattractive, and very, very sensitive. Because of the abuse that I took, I took out my frustrations by making fun of another girl in our class, based on her heritage. Now, as an attractive, successful adult, I would never condone such treatment of another person and am mortified by what I did as a child. I’ve recently found this woman on FaceBook. Should I contact her and apologize? Signed, Sincerely Remorseful

Dear Meanie Pants. Yes, you should. As Prudie says, you should not do it in the hopes that she’ll react kindly. You should do it so that you can explain yourself, and in the hopes that it might help both of you to heal a little. But don’t expect gratitude or grace. If you receive it, consider it an extreme bonus. Prudie’s also correct in that you need to very carefully explain how things were at the time. How, now, as an adult, you realize that you lashed out at her because of how terrible you felt for the abuse you were taking, and how you now feel terrible for having been so weak and for treating her so poorly. Unlike Prudie, I think that e-mail or a FaceBook message (not a wall post!) is fine. It probably won’t lead to much, but, if it does, great. Finally, please get rid of any reference to your current beauty and success. It’s wholly unnecessary and potentially offensive. Good luck!

LW#3: Dear Prudie. My husband’s brother invited us to his timeshare in the Caribbean. This will likely be his last fling there as the economy has hit him hard. He’s been out of work for a long time and he’s probably going to have to sell his share of the property. In conversations about the trip, it was decided that we’d pay for all food and alcohol since he’s providing the lodging. Recently though, I’ve learned that he expects us to pay for his transportation to and from the airport, too! I smell a rat, Prudie! I’m thrilled about getting to go, but, don’t want to be taken advantage of. My husband says we should just roll with it and never go on vacation with him again. What do you think? Signed, Caribbean Queen

Dear Queenie of the Caribbeanie. Boy, that must be some fare to the airport! Listen, I know that it sucks when you feel as if you were invited someplace and then had the rules change on you at the last minute--especially when the rule changes involve you paying money! That really is a shitty pill to swallow. I’ve had this happen a couple of times, too, and frankly, it sucks balls (and, for those of you who may actually enjoy the act of ball sucking, I meant it there as a negative!). In the end, you have a choice to make. You can pay his fare and enjoy the trip (I don’t suggest that you pay the fare and then stew over it, though, because that will suck balls, too!). You can stay home, thus avoiding all costs (presuming you can get back your ticket money). Or, you can talk to the B-I-L and suggest that this late-added cost bothers you. You may find that it was a simple miscommunication and not the rat-smelling act that you perceive it to be. Whichever decision you make, though, you should make it with your husband, and then, you should both do your level best to enjoy the trip or your time at home, whichever you decide on. Going on the trip and being pissed the whole time, however? That should not be an option.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I see a counselor weekly. She’s an excellent teacher and has helped me tremendously with all sorts of issues. However, over the last two years, something she does has bothered me more and more, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to mention it. Now it’s to a point that I hate to mention it at all because I’ve let it go for so long! Prudie, she misspells my name! Every single week. It may seem a small thing, but, damnit, it speaks to my very identity, you know? I hate the idea of trying to hint around at this--I pay with a check every week so that she can see my name in print, yet that has never corrected her error. What can I do? Signed, Po-tay-to, not Po-tah-to

Dear Counseled. As Prudie says, this is not a big deal to fix. Now wait, don’t be upset! I’m not saying that it doesn’t feel like a big deal! It does, and I acknowledge that, and I understand that it’s a big deal to you, but, you can make it into something very easy to manage. Simply tell your therapist! Just say, “Sally, I’ve never mentioned this before, but you’ve been misspelling my name. It’s P-O-T-A-Y-T-O.” That’s it! You don’t have to apologize for not mentioning it sooner, and you should not. You don’t have to make excuses, and you should not! It’s not a social nicety we’re talking about here, it’s your legal name. As such, it’s no big deal, and definitely not rude, to mention it to her. She won’t think twice about it. She’ll make the change and that will be that. Believe me, it's far bigger in your head than it'll ever be to her. If she messes up again, though, simply remind her again. It’s okay to do that! Honest! Perhaps it’ll help to think of it as a therapy test from her. As if she's doing it on purpose to measure your ability to confront real-life situations with grace and calm. One that you need to pass! And I know that you will. Hang in there! :-)

****
Well, Shippers, that’s about it. I’ve got a mid-term exam coming in Finance & Accounting, but, even though it may be the death of me, I’ll go into it head held high. I mean why not? As said in a recently favorite movie of mine, “I'd like the coffin to be white, and I want it specially lined with satin. White. Or pink! Maybe red! Bright flaming red! Let's make it gay!” One doesn’t have to go quietly, eh? :-) And no matter the result, I’ll be back next week, Shippers, even if it’s with a chunk of my butt missing, exactly in the shape of a Finance and Accounting exam. ;-) Fair winds and following seas to you all. And to all, a good night!

...on Finances, Flingers, Families and Pharmacy Friends

2010-09-09T09:58:00.005-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2266604/ (9/09/2010) <--- Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I hope that it’s a wonderful day for all of you and that this batch o’ letters brings a smile to an already-wonderful day. With that aim in mind, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I recently became engaged to a really nice guy, who’s, like, totally the most wonderful guy ever. We’ve had several nice showers, you know, because we’re so well-liked. We received all sorts of great stuff, including seed money for a new home, etc., etc., etc. (you know, normal stuff that all couples get at their many showers). The problem (‘cause you just knew there’d be one)? His former lover (a much, much older woman) gave us a very generous gift to be used toward our future child’s (children’s) education. Fifty thousand dollars! She’s very well off, Prudie, and can easily afford it, but, as you can well-imagine, I feel a little strange about accepting such a large amount of money from my fiancé’s former girlfriend. What should I do? Signed, Frugal Fiancée

Dear Fucking Idiot. You are a fucking dumbassed, stupid, ignorant, apparently extremely rich (or, more likely, money-ignorant) idiot. Someone is offering to give you what will amount to about $90 thousand dollars in 19 years (I’m assuming your dumb ass isn’t already pregnant and I’m certain that you aren’t going to raise any geniuses that need the money sooner than that, because, with your genetic material, that’s just not possible). And that figure is assuming you put the money in something super-safe, like government bonds, only earning 3%. Imagine if you got off your ass and actually added something to the pot along the way?! Fucking double dumbass. Across the sky. All the way.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’m a middle-aged woman working as a project manager in a male-dominated field. Through good work and ability, I’ve managed to prove to all of my co-workers that I am knowledgeable and capable, and they treat me as such. Except this one guy. Prudie, he throws papers on my desk. Literally. Every day. I’ve tried to joke it off. I’ve tried to be nice. I know that I can’t complain as I’d be seen as a whiner. I’ve handled the hazing of all of the other guys. What can I do about this one? Signed, Confused

Dear Not-So-Terribly-Good-With-People. You’ve handled hazing, eh? You fucking don’t know from hazing. Jesus Christ, how hard is this? You stand up to the mother fucker. You simply take those papers that miss your in-box and full-arm slide them into the trash, or, simply collect and shred them. Period. No production. No acknowledgment that what you’re doing is odd. If he asks what’s up, tell him, in a very business-like way, that that’s where they will go, Every. Single. Fucking. Time. And, that they'll go there without being worked, and that that's what will happen until such time that he learns to put the paperwork in its proper place. Don’t yell. Don’t scream. Just do it in a matter-of-fact, no-nonsence way. When asked by your superiors where the paperwork is, you say, “It never made it to my in-box.” And you stand your fucking ground. And Honey-schnookums, this is just kindergarten stuff.

LW#3: Dear Prudie. I’m a graduate student about to finish my doctoral degree. I teach, (adjunct, at my university), as well as wait tables, in order to make ends meet. I have a younger sister who’s also in school. She works three jobs to stay there. We both have student loan debt and barely make enough to scrape by, but, it’s worth it for the education as we know this is an investment in our future. The problem is our mother. She’s a recently laid-off secretary. She has no other skills and has no education past her GED. She lives far away and her finances are going to hell. My sister and I are worried sick, but aren’t yet in a situation to help. What can we do? Signed, A Good Daughter Who’s Almost Able to Help, Just Not Quite Yet

Dear Daughter, Thank you for this wonderfully refreshing letter, demonstrating that there is still some goodness left in the world. I wish that I could offer some better advice than Prudie did. I can’t. But, I can add a piece. Talk to your mom! Tell her that you’re worried! She’ll likely try to play it off. She’s obviously a hard worker who’s done the best she could while trying to raise two daughters to have it better than she has. But, don’t accept that without pushing a bit. Say that you know she’s proud, but that you’re wondering if there’s anything you can do to help? Maybe she can live with you and/or your sister for a time? The consolidation of bills might help you all? Look, I’m not saying this is ideal. I’m not saying it’s what you’ve hoped and dreamed for. Not for any of you. But, unfortunately, things are tough all around right now and we’re all having to reassess. I’m sorry about that, and wish it was different for all of us. But it ain’t. And, for what it’s worth, I’m sure that your mom is very, very proud. And thankful. Believe me, it’s most every parent’s dream to see their daughter have every opportunity in life to be all they are capable of being. And many of us don’t get to live that dream. You’re already giving her more than you know. All to your, your sister’s and your mother’s credit. Hang in there. You’re an inspiration.

LW#4: Dear Prudie. I recently “stumbled upon” a pill bottle that belongs to my boyfriend. Instead of putting it back where I “accidentally” found it, I tried to read it, but the label indicating the medication type had been peeled off. Not taking that as a hint, I went to a medication identification website and found out that he’s been taking Levitra (an erectile dysfunction medication)! Prudie, he’s only 24! I’m concerned! Why didn’t he tell me about this?! I want to be supportive! I want to help! Should I be alarmed? Does this mean his boners aren’t really because he’s happy to see me, but rather just because he’s chemically “enhanced”? Does it mean that they’ve all been...fake?! Signed, I’m Afraid

Dear Afraid. The solution is simple. Just figure out how you would want to have him tell you, if, say, your boyfriend, I don’t know, went into your purse, found a pill bottle for acne medication, researched it on the web, and became worried that you weren’t nearly as naturally pretty as he thought? This is all just manufactured fucking drama, you know? All you had to do was ask your BF what was in the bottle. But, you were afraid he’d lie. Or suspected it contained something illicit. So, no trust for him, eh? Or, what? You just like drama? As for advice, I’d say that you need to break up with this guy. You obviously don’t respect him or his boundaries, you don’t trust him, and, fact is, he shouldn’t trust you, either. There, happy? Good. Now, try not to get into the same bad place with your next significant other.

****
Well, Shippers, that about wraps it up. I hope that your week is filled with love and happiness and warmth. We could all use it! Fair winds and following seas to ya, one and all, Shippers!

...on Babylessness, Academic Honesty and Mysterious Death

2010-09-02T09:10:00.004-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2265903/ (9/02/2010 <---Original Prudie Letter Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! Hot damn and hallelujah, what a fantastic day! Shippers, coffee is a beautiful thing, ain’t it? Even more so on days when it’s woefully needed. Like when you’ve been up late the night before, studying, or, you know, surfing the ‘net, or, any number of other things you oughtn’t be doing because you should probably be in bed? Seems like coffee is literally manna on those days. And the good stuff (you know, like a brick of Jacobs Krönung), is well worth the effort to find. Today, I needed it, had it, and it’s made all the difference! So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my husband was the most perfect man that ever was perfect. Well, ten years ago, anyway. He really was perfect, Prudie! When we married, he had two children from a previous marriage, and I happily and peacefully helped raise them into well-adjusted adulthood. But now, as I end my reproductive years, I would like a child of “my own”. My husband, who has a vasectomy, is dead set against it. I’d consider any option to get my hands on a baby, Prudie (including adoption). What should I do? Divorce my husband? I hate the thought of it. He’s a great man (you know, like I said), but, I want a baby and will leave him if I have to, in order to get one. But, I don’t think I want to raise a baby alone. Should I take the risk and leave? Signed, Babyless

Dear You’re Not Babyless, You’re Hormonal. And no, I don’t mean that in a negative, anti-woman, all-women-have-raging-hormonal-issues-that-make-them-as-crazy-as-mad-fucking-hatters way. I mean it in a gentle, helpful, listen, you’re-going-to-get-past-this-and-you-might-very-well-regret-any-rash-decisions-you-make-regarding-your-babylessness way. Look, I’m not going to be mean to you and tell you that you need to wake the fuck up, Sister, and realize that you already have a family that apparently loves you. Fact is, you didn’t mention any of that. You’re so focused on yourself right now that you can’t see any of that (or don’t care, or, perhaps, it’s not true and that’s the issue?). So, being mean isn’t going to help. As such, I only offer this: do you love your husband? No, not some “Oh he’s the most McDreamiest husband ever!” bullshit answer, but, rather, do you really love him? Try to get past the issue of having a baby and see if you really love him. Would you be heartbroken if he came to you today and told you that he was leaving? No, not to have kids with some other woman (Jesus, get your mind off of that for a second!), just leaving. Do. You. Love. Him? Is he good for you? If you don’t, and he’s not, and if it’s beyond repair, you’ve got your answer, but, let me say that finding some guy to witlessly donate sperm is probably a helluva lot easier than finding someone worthwhile as a life partner.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’m a graduate student in thesis-writing mode. My faculty advisor recently gave me, as a measuring stick and gauge for level of acceptable performance, a thesis from a just-graduated student. I was happy to receive the paper, but, upon reading it, I realized that it generously plagiarized from a very obscure book that I’m using in my own research. As a matter of fact, when I say generously plagiarized, I mean that it pretty much quoted the book and just called it good. What should I do? I don’t want to get in the middle of this, I just want to graduate. Signed, I’m at the End of My Education, I Don’t Want to be in the Middle of Anything!

Dear Stuck in the Middle Again. Guess what? Yepper, you’re in it. Right smack in the middle. And big-time, too. Because, you know what? Academic integrity is about honesty, trust, fairness, respect and responsibility ("Fundamental principles of," 2000). I reckon that that very first one, “honesty”, already gigs you so much that there’s no need to keep reading the rest. But, yepper, the second through fifth ones are pretty tough, too. The trick, in my humble opinion, is to figure out how to go about reporting what you’ve found, since, to not do so really isn’t an option. I suggest a casual approach. It depends on your relationship with your faculty advisor, but, if it’s anything like it should be, I suggest walking into his/her office, and, with a playful smile, hand over the plagiarized thesis and say, “HA! You thought you could fool me, eh?! I see that this is basically a word-for-word text copy from ‘The Great Book of Obscurity’! But I’m quick, like a fox! You’ll have to wake up way earlier in the morning than that to fool me!” And then say something like, “I really have read ‘The Great Book of Obscurity’. You didn’t have to go through so much trouble to find out! I mean, retyping all of that must have been a bear! Did you scan it in and use auto text recognition?” Any professor with half a brain and even a quarter of his/her fill of wit will take the hint and take it from there, and you should be able to excuse yourself completely from the rest of the process. And once you walk out their door, I suggest you forget the incident all together and get back to work on your thesis. Good luck!

References

Fundamental principles of academic integrity. (2000, Summer). Retrieved from http://ethics.sandiego.edu/eac/Summer2000/Readings/Principles

LW#3: Dear Prudie, my young-adult daughter has recently entered the same field that I’ve had a wonderfully successful career in. Yesterday, she was given a problem to research and for which to offer solutions. So, she called me, we talked through the process, the potential concerns, and we arrived at a few possible solutions. Her boss was thrilled with her presentation. When I shared this story with a colleague, s/he became incensed that my daughter hadn’t done the research “on her own” and that she’d called me. I don’t see anything wrong with what she did. What’s your take? Signed, Helpful Mom

Dear Helpful. Your colleague is a first-class, flaming, fucktarded, willfully-ignorant, jealous, spiteful, puss-for-brains imbecile with whom you’d be wise to share no more stories, time or thoughts. S/He is cancer. S/He is death. S?He is everything that’s wrong in the professional world. Mentorship, preceptorship, helping colleagues and those coming up into the field is not only our professional responsibility, it’s a joy. You colleague is a dried up bag of nothingness and s/he deserves everything in life that s/he wishes for. May that s/he find it.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’m 36 and recently lost my 40-year-old husband to a heart attack. It was heartbreaking (god, I’m so punny!). Since then, my in-laws have been terrible! They attacked my choice to not have an autopsy, my choice of a coffin, pall bearers, headstone, and, even the way I breathe. Further, they recently removed flowers that my children and I set on the grave and replaced them with flowers of their own! I see this as the last straw, Prudie, and am about to cut ties with them completely! What should I do? Signed, Mourning Mom Who’s In-lawless

Dear No More Stinkin’ In-laws. Hmmmm. Okay, so, I’m sorry, but I just have to wonder what in the heck is missing from your letter? A 40-year-old man dies of a heart attack. Unexpectedly. The in-laws desire an autopsy, but you decide against it? For a 40-year-old man? Who died unexpectedly? What am I missing here? Why would you not do an autopsy? I mean, I can think of one poisonous reason, and it’s one that I’m sure that the in-laws have thought of, too, but, since you’ve given us way too little information, I don’t know what else to think? How was your relationship with the in-laws before the death? You didn’t mention a history. This all seems new to you. How much money did you get from his life insurance policy? Are the children biologically your husband’s, or did he adopt them (from a previous marriage of yours, perhaps, or something else) and that’s why you call him their “dad”? You might think me interminably rude to continue with this line of questioning, but, you’ve given me nothing to question the in-laws about (other than their clear disdain for you), and a huge concern with which to question your voracity as a reliable witness. If you tell me that they’ve always hated you, at least I have some perspective, but, without any more information, I have to wonder at too many things. And I still can’t imagine why there’d be no autopsy unless your husband specifically asked not to have one, in which case, that would be important information to provide! As for what you should do, an adult with nothing to hide would talk directly to the in-laws about what she sees as very rude and unacceptable behavior. She would explain , for her emotional well-being, unless things change drastically, that she’s breaking off all contact with the in-laws, which includes access to her children. Leave out the part about the upcoming Caribbean nuptials to the pool boy (if, in fact, there are some). That’s something that they don’t need to know about.

****
Well, Shippers, that wraps up the day’s letters! Not sure if any of you are soldiers on Fort Sam, but, I have to say that I heard several hearty, zestful Jody calls this morning from outside my window--and many prior to 0600! BZ to you all! So, if you are one of the morning melodious medics, I want to send you my gratitude. What a way to start the day! Good cheer to you all, Shippers, and fair winds and following seas.

...on Assault, Asperger's and Alternatives to Mournful Travel

2010-08-26T10:13:00.003-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2265082/ (8/26/2010) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? All here is well. But, for some reason, no Jody Calls outside my window this morning! That’s a weekly ritual; I read Prudie, start my response, I hear the Jody Calls, all is well. Strange to have them absent today. The absence is probably due to a training holiday of some sort... Oh well, nothing to worry over, I’m sure. And, since we have letters to address, and they’re not getting any fresher, we'd best get crackin’, eh?

LW#1: Dear Prudie. I’m a happily married man (and father to an infant). Although, that happiness is relative, I suppose, in that my wife has self-esteem issues, I’m a stubborn jackass, and, we’ve been fighting like cats and dogs because my wife says I don’t pay her enough attention, but I say that I do! And I’m right! But you know, other than that, we live in Happiness Fucking Central, Prudie! Anyway, during a recent fight, my wife began literally pushing me. Then striking me! Even though I swore that I’d never hit a woman, I struck her back. Now I feel like shit, but my wife, now calmer, says she understands what I did and why. I feel terrible, Prudie. And I have a feeling that my wife, now that she knows I can be driven to the point of striking her, will try to drive me there again. And, frankly, I don’t know what to do. Signed, Perplexed Pugilist in Happy Town

Dear Muhammad Alidiot. First of all, you’re not happily married. You need to recognize that. How can you even say that?! Would you like for me to list out the reasons you're not happy, all logical-like? No? But why, since you’re so into logically listing things? Look dude, you just fell victim to one of the classic blunders--the most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia"--but only slightly less well-known is this: don’t get into an argument with a nut-job who’d resort to hitting you to prove her point (consciously or no). All the “logic” in the world isn’t going to change the fact that you both think you’re right. Here’s the thing. Your wife feels like you aren’t giving her enough attention. You feel like you are. Do you honestly think arguing those points is going to help?! You don’t give me enough attention! Yes I do! No you don’t! Yes, I do!!! No, you fucking don’t!!! Yep, I can surely see a solution there. Any day now... Think that’s ever going to solve the core issue there? No wonder you’re so confused and think that you’re happy. You’re a couple of complete dumbasses! So here, let me lay it out for you. You two are in the middle of a full-on dysfunctional relationship. You need some counseling on communication. And pronto. In the meantime, if you can’t trust your wife not to hit you, and can't trust yourself not to hit her, you two need far more help than an Internet columnist is going to provide, and, for your sake (you know, if you want to be able to have visitation after the divorce), you’d better, a) start documenting any time she hits you (after you’ve left the room and removed yourself from the argument, of course), and, b) never hit her again. Ever. Because right now, you’re both messing up. Big time. Happy indeed.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’m an Asian girl about to enter high school (my being Asian is an important cultural point that you should understand as you read the rest of my letter). I’m writing to tell you that I present with every symptom of Asperger’s syndrome known to man. Shall I list them for you? Straight from the Internet sites where I took the tests that confirmed my suspicions? No? But, I really feel compelled to do so! No? Sigh. Anyway, my concern is that I have Asperger’s (it would explain a lot of things, actually), but, my parents believe mental disease to be a sign of inferiority and weakness. I need help in seeking treatment, but I’m scared to tell them. What should I do? Signed, Asperteen

Dear Internet Doctor. First off, I want to point out that I think this letter is as fake as the day is long. Why? It demonstrates an amount of self-awareness not present in even most fully-formed adults that I know--take LW#1, for example--much less middle schoolers! Of course, that impression may be the product of a concerned, real teen, retro-fitting specific symptoms into a condition that she believes she has (and, she may well have it). Since the latter is a possibility, I’m going to address the letter in that way and second Prudie’s advice. You should raise your concern to your parents, showing them the research you’ve done. Attempt to engage them. But, if they resist, if they push back, there is still a lot of available help (as Prudie outlined)! The main thing is to try to get an accurate assessment. Don’t be dishonest with the doctor when asked about your symptoms/concerns. Being diagnosed with Asperger's is not "cool", and it's not going to solve your problems. But, if you honestly have it, you can be helped. So, be as forthcoming as possible. Social awkwardness does not have to mean anything other than that. Lots of people are socially awkward at your age! Many grow out of it, some do not. But that’s very different from Asperger’s. Hang in there, kiddo, and good luck!

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I recently had two uncles pass away within one day of each other. As you can imagine, this devastated my family. Unfortunately, I’d already planned and paid for a five-day vacation before these tragedies occurred and so, of course, I went on the vacation! I mean, duh! Now my family is all pissed off at me. I loved these uncles, Prudie! Like, a lot and stuff! And I always showed that fact when they were alive by saying “thank you” to them when they gave me gifts and money and stuff (well, you know, provided it was something I wanted)! I mean, damn, I sent a sympathy card and trinket of remembrance to each surviving spouse. Why is everyone so pissed off with me now? Signed, Tanned, Relaxed And Shunned

Dear Jackass. Talk about social awkwardness and inability to understand social cues (a la LW#2). Listen, either you were close with your uncles or you weren’t. You say you were, but then you call your aunts, their wives, the “surviving spouses”. Clinical description much? So, who are you kidding here? Certainly not yourself! Fuck, you hopped on that plane, no problemo! Which is fine, you know? But you need to be willing to accept that your uncles weren’t all that important to you. You’re wanting to have your cake and eat it, too. You want to be seen as all family-oriented and caring, when, in fact, you couldn’t have given two shits about your uncles or your family! And, you made that fact perfectly clear to everyone. Now you need to own it. And, in the meantime, if it legitimately bothers you that some folks in your family are upset with you (in other words, if there are some people in your family that you actually do care about), you might want to consider their feelings next time you decide to be a selfish jackass, yet not want to have to pay the price for it. Mourning death isn’t for the dead, you twit, it’s for those who are left behind. Perhaps, you know, between manicures and vacation time, you can ruminate on that a bit.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’m working at a temp job that I enjoy. However, one of my co-workers, Bob, is an eccentric elderly man who’s asked me to bring him fruit and bread. On a continuing basis. He pays for it, of course, but, I don’t want to be his errand runner! I have a feeling that he has some physical disabilities and can’t get to the grocery store. I’m concerned for him, but, you know, not that concerned. What should I do? Signed, So Not The Office Gopher

Dear Gopher (he’s now a former congressman and current radio host, you know!). Look, it sounds as if you’re new to the professional world, so, let me be frank. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to be Bob’s fruit and bread source. At all. Period. It’s inappropriate for Bob to ask you to do so under the guise of some sort of workplace responsibility. If you don’t want to do it, simply explain to him that you aren’t comfortable with the task as you don’t believe it to be work-related. Do not apologize for it, and do not explain yourself. Be professional and direct, but not mean or rude. If this causes any problems with Bob, at all, make sure to speak with a supervisor immediately, and make sure to document the events. And remember, this can be a burden or it can be a life lesson. And, too, it can be something nice you do for Bob as you have the chance. But it's your choice.

****
Well, Shippers, that about does it! Not a lot to work with this week, eh? I should mention that one singing company went by as I was typing this, so, at least I got to hear one set of Jodys. :-) All is now right with the Universe! Have a great week, Shippers. Fair winds and following seas, Shipper! Until next week...

...on Family Fears, Fuck-ups and Frothy Loins (not necessarily in that order)

2010-08-20T08:42:00.001-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2264417/ (8/19/10) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I have to admit, Shippers, it’s a woeful day for your ol’ Smaggie. I had a dental appointment earlier. And shippers, in my fourth decade of life, after a great deal of smartass bragging on this silly subject over the years, I’ve finally gotten...a cavity. Now, don’t make fun of me! It really pisses me off! I was proud of the fact that I’d never had one. I mean, that might sound like a silly thing to have been proud of, but, I was. No more. So, next time I go in (in six months or so), they’ll fix me up. Oh well. Such is life, eh? But, enough of my pitiful whining. We’ve got letters! So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie. When I was a kid, just six years old, I accused a man of cornering me in a bathroom. It was a lie, told on the spur of the moment, as I didn’t want to go home with my dad, an abusive, alcoholic man who’d taught me early in life that cornering a child in the bathroom is bad. As a result, this man that I accused (likely somewhat mentally handicapped, I now realize as an adult) is perhaps labeled a sex offender--or worse. I’m living with unbearable guilt over this, and afraid that I may even go to jail over it if I admit it. What can I do? Signed, Cornered In a Bathroom of Lies

Dear Cornered. What a shitty set of cards you were dealt. Listen, there are a lot of unaddressed skeletons in your closet. And this one may not be the first one that can be hauled out, but it can be the goal. What I mean is that you may have to talk with your dad first. You may have to explain to him how he made you feel as a child. You may have to tell him what happened and see if he can help you find out what happened with this man in order to make progress. And then, you’ll have to verify it yourself--his take won’t necessarily be reliable. For you sake, and for the sake of this man, you need to find out what happened. Your father may not be able to help, but he’s complicit and you need to address the issue with him, too. There are all sorts of people who can help you, and you’re more than intelligent enough to figure out who they are. As for potential jail time, though I’m not lawyer, I have to believe that’s not even a consideration. You were six. You’re just now at a point in your life where you can deal with this information and, as such, you’re trying. Sometimes people do the best they can with what they’ve been dealt. But you can call the betting. You can get some better cards. You just have to take a deep breath, look around the table and do it. Now come on. Belly up and make this right. Someone’s counting on you and one day, when you look in the mirror, you’ll know who...

LW#2: Dear Prudie. I like people to think that I’m successful. I like people to think that I’ve got it together. But, fact is, my family (and one family member in particular) have ridiculed me all my life. I’m intimidated by them all, but by this one woman in particular. The abuse is so acute from her that I’ve had to limit our contact to the barest minimum. Well, recently I found out that she’s applying for a job with my company (her last job is on the rocks because she’s so mean--something that happens frequently in her work life). Prudie, if hired, she would put my job in jeopardy. And I love my job! And fact is, I’m senior enough that a gentle whisper from me to the right person would put the kibosh on her application. What should I do? Signed, Pissing My Diapers

Dear Pissing. You’re successful in your job, eh? Senior enough that you could put the kibosh on the hiring of a known office cancer, yet you’re conflicted about what to do? I’d suggest that you’re neither very senior nor very successful if you don’t know what you have to do. You don’t have to mention anything personal. Matter of fact, you should not! What you should do, though, is make sure that the hiring official is aware of the woefully dismal track record that “the applicant” has in keeping her jobs. What you should do is recognize that, regardless of what happens, you know your job and are well-liked and respected at work--you do know your job and you are well-liked and respected at work, aren’t you, Pissing? Or should I doubt your story? Because, frankly, anyone as senior and successful as you claim to be shouldn’t have any problem with this situation if they remember to keep their personal and professional lives separated. Do that and the solution is painfully simple.

LW#3: Dear Prudie. I have the bestest boyfriend in the whole wide world. He’s so great that from very early on, we’ve argued over my past boyfriends. He insists on details about my sex life before him. He’s very insecure and so wants details. He was a virgin before we met, and, in order to spare him any hurt feelings, I lied and said I’d only had sex with very few people before we met. I feel that lie’s okay, Prudie, because I’d had a full STD screening done and his health was not at risk. But now that lie haunts me, Prudie. What should I do? Signed, Living With an Asshole

Dear Lover of An Asshole. Your boyfriend is a Grade A, Top Shelf, Douche Bag Asshole. And you are a Chicken Shit. Anyone outside of middle school who gets all jealous and wants to fight about past partners deserves to be left right there, on the spot (provided you haven’t given them an STD, etc., which sort of gives them the right to be a little pissy...but not about your past, just your irresponsibility). Period. Saying your boyfriend is all great and excellent just cements this all for me. He’s an asshole and you’re a doormat. Either get used to being a doormat and feeling guilty about all manner of things (because it won’t end with this, trust me), or, put on some adult panties and get the fuck out. This feeling of dread that you’re experiencing? That’s not how relationships are supposed to feel.

LW#4: Dear Prudie. I’m divorced. I have a minor son. I say “minor” because I can no longer say “young” or “toddler” (but that’s a whole other issue that adds to the inappropriateness here). When my son stays with me, I have him sleep in my bed because there’s no room anywhere else. When my boyfriend’s over, though, I have my son sleep on the couch (amazing how I can find room!). My ex husband says this is wrong. I don’t think it is and need you to help me figure out how to argue with him, Prudie. Signed, I Am Right

Dear Retarded, Selfish Idiot Who Is So Not Right. Buy an inflatable mattress or a roll-away bed for your son. Buy some real bedding. That stuff costs next to nothing and can be stowed away neatly when he’s not there. I know, you might have to forego drugs or booze for a week or two to buy it, but, it’s the little things, you know? Then, when your son is there with you, set him up in a quiet place. Also, due to how small your apartment is and how little self control you obviously have, ditch the boyfriend sleep overs when your son is with you. I know, poor you. Here’s a tear for you. You might want to decide not to drink or do drugs during that time, too. You know, just for the hell of it. Dumbass.

****
Well, Shippers, that’s about it. I’ll be back next week on my regular schedule, regular day, regular channel . Until then, fair winds and following seas to you all!

...on Parents of Every Disposition (except "Good")

2010-08-12T08:42:00.002-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2263601/ (8/12/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day?! It’s a hum-dinger of one, too, in that I’m enjoying yet another gorgeous, incredible sunrise. Of course, weather calls for it to be the last for awhile, what with rain and clouds moving in this evening. Oh well. Enjoy the glories of life as they can be enjoyed, yes? :-) But, that aside, and with even more Reader Mail to answer today, we’d best get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie. About three and a half years ago, I dropped out of college (with one semester to go) to take care of my ailing mother for the last two and a half years of her life. I took care of her every need, day-in and day-out. During that time, I borrowed $4,500 from my father to pay for living expenses. Well, after my mom passed away and my dad began collecting her hefty life insurance and state pension payouts, he presented me with a bill for the money I’d borrowed! And while I haven’t paid him, he never allows the opportunity to pass to mention that I “owe” him. What should I do? Can I present him with a bill for the two and a half years of my life that I gave up caring for my mom, his wife? Signed, In Debt

Dear Liar-liar, Pants on Fire. You’re bound to get all sorts of sympathy from your fake-ass take on this situation. I mean, Prudie bought your bullshit story, hook, line and sinker. But I don’t. At all. First off, I’m pretty good at math. And no one, and I mean no one, can live on $4,500 over two years without supplemental income of some sort. Especially if they’re living away from their parents’ home. Which, if you were, you weren’t caring day-in, day-out for your mom, you were working a job, paying for your stuff and running from college (was it grades? a relationship gone wrong? about to be kicked out for integrity issues?). If you were living at home while caring for mom, you were eating there, showering there, using the facilities there. In other words, if that’s the case, the $4,500 wasn’t for living expenses, it was for luxuries like your brand new smart phone, upon which you probably tweeted incessantly about the years of your life you were giving up. My ass. No one quits college (which, by the way, who was paying for that?) five months prior to graduation to then spend two and a half fucking years caring for an ailing relative, spending every waking moment there. You’re lying, or exaggerating, plain and simple. You could have gone back to school for those few classes at some point during that time. But you didn’t. You’re a scared, entitled little bitch (gender neutral) and trying to place the blame on Daddy (who I have a feeling was very clear, from the beginning, about the $4,500 being a “loan”--you even call it that yourself) and on “caring” for your ailing mom. For two and a half years. Day in and day out. Whatever. Adults pay back their loans and don’t use family deaths as excuses for their own failings. Grow up.

LW#2: Dear Prudie. My husband and I are in our mid-20s and have a great relationship. As a gift when we got married, my in-laws (who live overseas) gave us a considerable amount of money to put toward the purchase of a home. They’re now moving back to the States and have announced that they’re moving into our home. And, into our master bedroom! And my husband has agreed to it! WTF, over?! Signed, Holy Shit

Dear Time to Move Out. Listen, I know this is going to sound hard, but, there’s only one thing for this. Move out. Gather your stuff, and your husband (if he’ll come), and move out. I’m not suggesting divorce; I’m just saying that, obviously, that house isn’t yours. You can get all butt-hurt and go to court about it being a gift, yaddah-yaddah, but, your husband obviously believes the money given still belongs to his parents. So you two need to find a place of your own, that you two pay for with your own money. DO NOT sell the home. The parents would likely gig you two for the depreciation it’s probably suffered due to the bad market. Just send them the keys with a note that says, “Hey, the kitchen/garage door is a little funny, you have to rattle the handle as you unlock it in order to get in. Enjoy!” And then move the fuck out. Don’t be bitter. Just think of your mortgage payments as rent and as a very valuable lesson about your in-laws. If your husband won’t move? Yep, well, you know what to do.

LW#3: Dear Prudie. I’m a divorcee living in an apartment complex. There’s a man there who frequents the pool (like I and my daughter do) and it’s obvious he has the hots for me. I’ve never encouraged him, but have found no need to not be friendly. We chat. It’s nice. Well, the other day, he walked toward me with some suntan lotion and asked me to “do his back.” Prudie, he’s gross! He has acne and is hairy! I did his back, but don’t ever want to do so again. He crossed an obvious line, wouldn’t you say? What a dick! What should I say if he asks again? Signed, Perfectly Blemish-free and Hairless Lady

Dear Squeamish. Okay, I don’t know what the condition of his back has to do with this. Are you saying that if he was all fine and buff and squish-inducing, you would have been fine with slathering him up? Regardless, here’s the deal: don’t be fucking “doing” people’s backs with whom you don’t currently have (or want to have) an intimate relationship. That sends all sorts of wrong signals. As for what to do with this guy, it’s not like you are now required to do his back just because you’ve done it once. If he asks again, just say, “Sorry Dude. I shouldn’t have done your back the first time. I’m not comfortable with it. I like you, but I don’t like you like you.” He’ll counter with something about how it’s not a sign of liking him, liking him. To which you hold your ground. Problem solved without any bullshit stories or finding new pools. Do not, as Prudie suggests, avoid the pool and lie about your availability. Just grow up. Damn.

LW#4: Dear Prudie. I recently signed up for a cancer walk. I sent out a mass e-mail requesting donations, even noting that a simple $5 donation was enough to help. I don’t care if anyone contributes as it’s for a great cause and I’m just doing it to try to help. Obviously, though, I kept a spreadsheet of everyone who’d contributed, how much they’d contributed, and how quickly they contributed after I sent my e-mail. Doesn’t everyone? I then cross-referenced it with my files on the monetary values I’ve assigned for the time and money I’ve given to them over the year (which, of course, I don’t expect any repayment for). I don’t want to feel all petty, Prudie, but several people didn’t respond to my e-mail! People that I’ve helped significantly in the past by buying their kids’ crap and for whom I’ve done considerable volunteer work (which I’ve tallied to the penny in my spreadsheet). What should I do to guilt them into evening up the scales of our magnanimous, munificent caring for one another? Signed, Not a Flaming Ass Monkey. Honest.

Dear Flaming Ass Monkey. You are the worst kind of flaming ass monkey. The kind of shit bag who ostensibly gives of his/her time, but who constantly keeps a tally of said time and expects repayment, with interest. Prudie says that we all keep a tally of mental favors done. My ass. Perhaps in middle school. Mature adults do things because we want to. And when we decide to give of our time, we should do so with no strings attached, or, we should be clear, up front, that our time is being given with strings. Yours is. Obviously, you prick (gender neutral). So have a shirt made up that says, on the front, “I’m volunteering for you, but...”, and on the back side, in really small print, have it say, “...I’ll be calling in the favor soon, you ungrateful bitches!” Asshole.

And, like last week, Shippers, we’ve got a bit of Reader Mail from a real, live, actual reader! So, as you know, I especially encourage comments on reader mail, but ask that you hold back (at least a little) on the snark, since we like to encourage these letters!

Dear Smag, I received a rambling 4-page email missive today from an old friend that essentially ripped me to pieces. This email was sent to all of the writer’s family and our mutual friends. Back story is that we were close (platonic) friends (dinners every other friday, etc.) for about a decade--up ‘til about six months ago. Six months ago, she started a relationship with a man recently back from Iraq (physically, but not mentally). He began bugging her phone/email, etc., isolating her and getting her all to himself. Then, I felt that I was in physical danger due to a text from him and so severed all ties with my friend by explaining that I didn't feel safe around the new boyfriend. She, at the time, was fine with that and wanted to continue to pursue her new relationship. I have no interest in her romantically (have been happily married for over 5 years). During the ensuing 6 months, she became addicted to painkillers and got up to 10-12 daily. I left her alone, and when her family/friends asked why we were no longer friends, I explained that I didn't think she was of right mind/body and that she and her new boyfriend were dangers--primarily to themselves. Family/other friends attempted an intervention and were rebuffed. Flash-forward 6 months to the e-mail I just received. It states that I got her addicted to the drugs! Further, it says that I am the root of all evil, up to and including the kidnapping of the Lindberg baby! :-) My initial reaction is to not respond as I am not involved with any of the parties and believe this to be the ramblings of someone I no longer know (drugs have changed her too much, etc). Furthermore, I no longer see any of the parties as we don't share the same circles of friends anymore. Any advice? Thanks!! Signed, asking for a “friend”

Dear asking for a “friend”. My first thought on this is to go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5Snehl2bAk. Start at 1:10 and go through 1:30. That really is just about the gist of my advice! Packaged in nice three-part harmony! :-) Here’s the thing: it sounds like you’ve got a pretty good hold on the situation (mostly). Anything you say in response to this nutty letter will just be twisted and misused (by your former friend, her boyfriend, and by others who side with her). And, it’ll make you look petty. The (perhaps) more difficult, but far better, thing to do is to just ignore it. Block her e-mail address. You don’t need that shit in your life and your family certainly doesn’t! Block her phone number. Completely ignore her. Make her a non-person in your life. I state this so strongly because, the fact that you know how many painkillers she was taking a day, and other details like that, indicates to me that you know too much about a friend with whom you’ve supposedly cut ties. I don't mean that to be rude, I just mean that you have to really cut them now. This letter she sent is obviously not acceptable. The boyfriend is unstable and trained to use weapons. Distance, in this case, is your friend. However, do save the e-mail. Just in case. You never know what'll happen in the future and it's good to have proof. I have a feeling that at some point down the road, once she’s cleaned up and gotten past this, she may come asking for your forgiveness. No matter what, if that does happen, I suggest that you ask her for some time to ponder it. And then, you know, if you're willing, come back here and tell us the juicy details! :-) Hang in there, asking for a “friend”!

****
Well, Shippers, that about does it! Another fine, fine Prudie Day, come to a close. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me? Have a great day and week, Shippers. Fair winds and following seas to you all! Cheers!

...on Paternity, Prosecution and Pugilism

2010-08-05T09:01:00.005-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2262763/ (8/05/10) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day?! Oh my, Shippers, the sun rise this morning was absolutely wonderful. It was so beautiful, in fact, so perfect, that it’s as if they shipped it here overnight express, straight from the Beautiful Sunrise Factory! It was that rare and beautiful! But, don’t worry, I’m not going to go all “double rainbow” on ya! And enough about my morning, anyway. We have to get straight to the letters because not only do we have the typical batch from Prudie, we’ve got a piece of mail from an actual reader in the Submarine Mail Bag! So, with so much to do, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie. Holy shit! I’ve done some doozies in my life, but this one tops them all. See, back in my younger days, I got pregnant. And, even though math is hard, I sort of reverse engineered things based on the wholly scientific and accurate method of determining impregnation date based on when I’m pretty sure I had my last period, plus fetal size, as measured via ultrasound, etc., and determined that the father had to be one of two men. Probably. Most likely. One of those men, the one I totally suspected was the dad, said it wasn’t him. He proffered an official-looking document stating that he was infertile, so, I assumed it was the Other Man. And, amazingly, my daughter looked like Mr. Other Man! Well, fast-forward 20 years, and, upon reaching adulthood, my daughter wanted to get in touch with her bio dad. I gave her Other Man’s information and she met him. They got along famously, but, did DNA tests, and, no match. So now, in true Cartman fashion, my daughter wants to go meet Professor Infertile. What if it’s not him, Prudie? What do I do? Signed, So Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed Lady. Chill out, take a deep breath, and just be honest with your daughter. Tell her the whole story so that she’s warned ahead of time. This will help explain, too, why you assumed her dad was Mr. Other Man, rather than Professor Infertile. And, guess what, if it’s not Professor Infertile, you’ll have to go through this again, so, rather than counting on creaky math and hoping you got it right, you need to just come completely clean with your daughter and lay it all out there. I know you’re embarrassed. I know that you hate thinking about this. But it sounds like she’s on a mission. And you can either let this split the two of you, or you can move forward together. Your choice.

LW#2: Dear Prudie. I’m a woman who would be in a sympathetic situation if not for my unbelievable ignorance and feeling of entitlement. See, I’m a law student, temp-employed by a great law firm. Unfortunately, we share office space with another firm staffed with rude, obnoxious attorneys. One of them frequently comments on my clothing in a lecherous manner. I would ask for help from the attorneys in my firm, but I don’t want to be seen as weak. As a result, I’m thinking of suing the other firm for sexual harassment so that they can pay for my legal education (ironic, eh?!). What do you think? Good choice? Signed, Very Nearly Unemployed

Dear Dumbassed, Stupid, Vacuous Twit. Okay, let’s think about this for a second. You’re a temp employee working for a law firm that shares office space and a currently congenial professional relationship with another firm. You’re having a (sadly) typical problem with an asshole and you’ve decided as your brilliant solution to sue that man and his firm?! And you don’t reckon your firm will have a problem with that clearly well-thought-out solution? You don’t reckon they’d prefer that you talk with them about it first? Perhaps taking the significantly easier fucking solution of moving you to a different desk?! Please go shove a letter opener in your ear hole. As far as it’ll go. Now swirl it all around in there. There shouldn’t be much resistance. All done? Good. Whew! Okay. I’m all better now.

LW#3: Dear Prudie. My dad (age irrelevant) just sent me a friend request on FaceBook. I don’t like him like that, Prudie. Plus, my page has pictures and jokes and all sorts of stuff that I don’t want to share with him. We’re not close. But I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What can I do? Signed, Not in Need of Any New “Friends”

Dear Twit. Learn how to either, a) say "no" to your dad, and to explain to him exactly why, because, you know, you’re an adult now, or, b) use the privacy controls on your FaceBook account so that dad can’t see what you don’t want him to see. This can work for your other friends, too, so that they can’t see dad’s comments and pictures of you in diapers. Ones that he’ll surely post and comment on! I know, right? I mean, holy shit, how hard was that? Almost caused me to pull a thigh muscle, thinking about that one. Sigh.

LW#4: Dear Prudie. My fiancé is the greatest, most wonderfulest person in the whole wide world. He’s incredible! I love him more than I love oxygen. But, Prudie, we don’t fight. And while I don’t see this as a problem, my dear friend recently told me she’s very worried about the state of my relationship, claiming that “everybody” fights, at least weekly, and that it’s not healthy not to! Then I thought about it, and, sure enough, my late husband and I fought and we were okay. Is my relationship doomed because we don’t fight? Signed, Perhaps Dumber Even Than LW#2 and LW#3 Combined

Dear There’s No “Perhaps” About It, You Are. Listen, for the sake of this guy, I’m going to suggest that your friend is right. You and she (your friend) apparently do need to fight with men in order to be happy. You need the drama. But this guy that you claim to love? This decent fellow who treats you right, is considerate of your feelings, and doesn’t yell or scream at you? He doesn’t deserve your brand of “love”. So, do the right thing and cut him off. Take my word for it, your relationship with him is doomed. Maybe he can find a crazy, foolish woman who’s actually happy not to fight with him. That’ll sure show him! In the meantime, go find a guy wearing a wife beater who grunts more than he speaks. Make sure he’s got a record for domestic violence, too. Hook up with him. That’ll make both you and your friend happy.

Now shippers, normally that’d be it, but today, we get a bonus letter! From an actual reader, sent directly to the Submarine Mail Bag! So, remembering that this is an actual reader, do be polite, but, also, please do comment!

LW#5: Hello Smagboy1. This is sort of a broad life question as opposed to a specific problem question, but, as a general rule, how do you keep yourself upbeat and level-headed when dealing with stupid/nasty people (and stupid/nasty everyday news)? I'm trying to get out of my habitual wallowing in ignorance and escapism, but the more I learn about the world, the more I find myself sick with anger and depression. It's really affecting my motivation to better my life.

I'm just wondering if you have some practical advice about living life to the fullest in the long term, despite the fact that at least 60% of the (privileged) human population seem to be either real idiots or assholes. I'm trying to figure out how people can strive for impartiality and still enjoy life. Signed, Carolina

Dear Carolina. There are three immediate thoughts that I have when reading your letter, but please follow-up if I’ve missed something...

First, if 60% of the human population seems to be either real idiots or assholes, you’re hanging out with the wrong sample of the population! And I’m serious about that. When people demonstrate to you that they’re assholes, drop them. That may see harsh, and I certainly don’t mean to drop a true and good friend over one mistake. But assholes are assholes. They can be cleaned up real purty and all, but, in the end, they still spout shit. So, as hard a lesson as this may be, you have to learn to avoid and eliminate these people from your life. And sadly, that includes assholes with whom you share blood. Perhaps especially them, because they hold special ties that can be used to cause you extra pain. So, first piece of advice: eliminate assholes as much as possible from your life, including family assholes. That will serve you well for the rest of your life.

Secondly, I suggest that you avoid bad news. Seek and get involved in the good news! It’s out there. Honest! :-) For example, I have a friend who loves cats. I mean, she loves them! And she could focus, day-after-day, on all of the abuse and neglect and feral colonies out there (and it can be hard to avoid that news, and, fact is, she can’t completely), or, she make a real and concerted effort to actively support, volunteer for, work at and involve herself in rescue education, missions and fund raising, etc. And while she can’t avoid all bad news, the bad is at least nicely tempered with lots of good news and good feelings. Another way to avoid the bad is to simply delete all of the links from your favorites/bookmarks that take you to websites that make you feel bad. If you find that three out of four times you visit a site, you leave feeling bad, delete it! Don’t go back! There’s enough bad news in the world that we don’t need to spoon feed it into our heads. :-) Sure, ignoring this news doesn’t cause it to go away. But, actively involving yourself in good guarantees that you aren’t ignoring problems, you’re actually working on solutions.

Finally, and this is the hardest, but, I find, potentially the most effective and elightening. Travel. Get out there in the world. Go far and wide. Go places you haven’t been and talk to people there, even if that’s terribly uncomfortable. I love people. I love their stories. I remember one time in Munich (München) talking to a food street vender. He was a recent Afghani immigrant. Neither of us had very good German (although his was certainly better than mine), but we couldn’t speak a lick of each others’ native tongues, so, we did our best with pigeon and sign. I learned that he’d moved his family to Munich when the Taliban took over in Afghanistan. He told me how terrible it was and how the women in his family were treated terribly, how oppressive everything was. This could have been a depressing story! But, they left. They came to Germany and were in college, he and his wife, both. Their kids were in school. All learning German at the same time, and, working at the food cart to make ends meet. And his kebap?! Out of this world! I have a hundred stories like this from my travels in and out of the U.S. And each and every one makes me smile. Go out at find your stories, Carolina. Replace the bad with good. You can do it. And it’ll be worth the effort. I promise!

****
Well Shippers, that does it for this version of Prudie Day! Please comment below on all of the letters, but, if you have a strategy that you think will help Carolina, by all means, post it, too! I wish for you all fair winds and following seas. Until next time...

...on Bountiful Brows and Butt-Hurt Brides

2010-07-29T10:35:00.004-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2261488/ (7/29/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? It is a fine one, too! I learned yesterday, completely by accident, that my favorite non-intentionally funny movie “Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon” is being remade! Maybe. With Samual L. Jackson in the previously seminal role of “Sho’Nuff”, the terribly mean bad guy in the flick. "Am I the meanest?!" "Sho'Nuff!" "Am I the baddest?!" "Sho'Nuff!" I don’t know who’ll play the good guy lead, (Bruce) Leroy, but, whoever it is, I must see it. The original is too wonderfully bad not to watch any attempts at topping it! My cinematic meanderings aside, though, we’ve got letters today! So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my seven-year-old daughter is butt ugly. Fortunately, it’s only her horribly disfigured eyebrows that are causing this. To say they’re overgrown is like saying the Amazon Rain Forest has a couple of nice trees. Prudie, I’m pretty sure my daughter is related to Sasquatch. I’d like to think that I’m all enlightened and all about inner beauty and other bullshit like that, but, I’m not Prudie. Fact is, I want to laser that hairy shit off of her face this very instant. If there’s plastic surgery available to remove the hair-growing uni-brow portion of her forehead skin, I want her to have it! And I don't care who knows it! Prudie, I have nightmares about her eyebrow hair growing around my throat and choking me. What can I do? Signed, Natural Eyebrows are for Ugly People

Dear Nature Lover. What are your limits? If her boobs don’t come in fast enough or full enough for you, will you encourage surgery? Not to “DD” cups. Of course not. You’re not that shallow. But a nice oversized “C” should do, yeah? Yeah. What about her ass? I hear that implants are all the rage. Look, I realize that a little hair removal isn’t plastic surgery, but your daughter is seven-fucking-years-old. Chill out. I know, why don't you strive to just be aware of your daughter’s anxieties and help her navigate them once they occur, instead of, you know, being the cause of them. If you do that, maybe when she’s ready, and asks, you can take her to have her brows done. Until then, why don’t you practice encouraging her self-worth rather than undermining it.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’m getting married soon and my fiancé and I want to honor our families by having them walk down the aisle ahead of us. My family is bigger than my fiancé’s, and this has caused a problem. I want eight people to walk down the aisle for me, he wants four to walk for him. This has caused his butt to hurt and he wants me to drop four people, or he wants to be able to add friends to his side. I’m flabbergasted that he’s being such a selfish prick. I want my people and I don’t want him adding random people just because. What can I do? Signed, I am Not A Bridezilla

Dear Yes.You.Are. And your hubby-to-be is, too. WTF is up with you two, over? So, he wants you to drop some people. That hurts your butt. He then childishly says, “Fine, if you don’t want to drop your siblings, I’ll add some of my beer buds!” This hurts your butt, too. You sure are a couple of butt-hurt individuals, aren’t you? Holy fuck. So, you can’t figure this out, huh? What if, you know, your families walked all intermingled down the aisle so that no one had to know whose were whose? What if, you know, you didn’t play a game of one-upmanship with each other like you’re both in pre-school and just accepted that you’re honoring your fucking families here, not playing who has the bigger penis? Oh, I know! What if you two decided that your wedding is not a Broadway musical and just acknowledge everyone by simply inviting them to what is bound to be a torturous ceremony? Jesus Christ, how are you honoring them if you can’t even figure out who to include in your “walk of honor”? There’s no honor there, that’s just narcissism and petty bullshit.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I raised two children as a single parent. By choice. I now realize how completely and totally wrong I was. Children need two parents, no matter what! I had to work seven jobs and beg on the streets in order to give my kids everything that their peers had. After my kids grew up and moved out, I married a wonderful man who had a teen daughter. Like with my children, we gave her everything we possibly could (see how much better having two parents is?!). Now, years later, with the economy being what it is, we’re in the poor house. We have no retirement savings and yet our kids all have jobs and live well (as far as we know). Prudie, they never offer to treat us to dinner (not even on our birthdays) nor ask how we’re doing financially. This pisses me off to no end. What can I do? Signed, Hurt Mom

Dear Hurt. You imply that you were a terrible parent while singly raising your two children. Somehow, that implies that you’ve improved now that you’re married. News flash: you’ve not improved. At all. You still equate materialism and spending money on someone with actually loving them. Until you figure out that the two aren’t related, you’ll continue to be disappointed. And let me tell you something else: marital status has nothing to do with child rearing capability. Neither does race, gender, sexual orientation, religion or age. Nope, you jackass, love, respect and understanding are the most important things. Oh-for-three on that front, eh Skipper? Sorry to hear that. Hey, at least now you’re married.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’m a bargain hunter and sometimes find great coupons that allow me to eat at restaurants that I could not otherwise afford. Is it cheap or tacky to use such coupons on a date--especially a first date or early dates? Signed, At Least I Didn’t Buy My Teenagers New Cars Like A Jackass

Dear Mr. Frugal. No, it’s not cheap. It’s wise. Is it tacky, though? That depends. Are you stiffing the waiter, or treating him/her poorly? Are you pretending to be able to afford the restaurant in order to impress your date, hoping beyond hope they won’t see the coupon or order from certain areas of the menu? Or, are you treating the wait staff appropriately, being decent and honest and good to your date (and encouraging her/him to order whatever he/she wants) and hoping the two of you enjoy a night out you couldn’t otherwise afford? If you don’t want your date to know you’re paying with a coupon, either don’t go to that restaurant or don’t go out with that person. It ain’t rocket science.

****
Well, there you have it, Shippers! Another week of bad advice! Tune in to the comment section (below), where you might see Tarky say, “Smaggie, another week like this and I’m going to personally submit your name to the NSA for a full body cavity search!” Good cheer, all. Fair winds, following seas and good travels to you all! It is summer, afterall!

...on Emotional Abuse, Manipulation, and Putting On Adult Undies

2010-07-22T11:11:00.010-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2261000/ (7/22/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I hope that the day finds you happy and appropriately air-conditioned (more on that in a bit). I’m all atwitter about my recent travels, some upcoming travels, and, just with being alive! It’s summer! The sun is out, the days are long, and, life is good. I apologize for my lack of commentary in last week’s comment section. I was laden with so viel Schnitzel and die Arbeiten, and, I hope to never let it happen again. That said, and in the interest of time, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie. My husband of less than a year was recently laid off. He’s trying to start a home business, and, as I work at home half the week myself, we’ve seen a lot more of each other. This has sucked balls for me, Prudie, as I find that he’s a total dick. He yells at me about not unloading the dishwasher, or, for not folding clothes, etc. He punches the walls. He’s taken to insulting my intelligence, and insulting me, but, when I bring up with him how much this hurts me, he says that he can’t be held accountable for my faults (Smag note: holy fucking shit, over?!). Prudie, I’m not going to divorce him, but, what should I do? Signed, Two Steps Down the Three-Step Path to Complete Emotional Servitude

Dear Already a Victim. Get out. There are so many red flags here that it’s not worth going into anything other than you getting out. Right. Now. Tell Mr. Fuck Stain Coward Asshole that hitting walls and throwing things as a surrogate to hitting you or throwing things at you is not an acceptable alternative. Tell him that you will not be made to live that way. That you will not accept his projecting his shortcomings and fears onto you. Tell him that you are leaving. Staying is eroding your self worth, whether you can see it yet or not. Do not let it continue! Later, when you look back at this time in your life, you’ll be amazed at how you let it get this far! This man is emotionally abusing you, blaming you for it, and you’re already so beaten down that you’re actually rationalizing it! Let me ask you, how many of your friends has he alienated you from? How much does your family come ‘round (or how often do you go to see them)? Please seek help or at least gain education on emotional abuse. You’re already well down the path to being completely controlled and until you realize it, there’s not much help to be offered here. Please seek help as I don’t want you to disappear.

(Smag note: I could have snarkily abused the hell out of this woman for being so dense as to stay in this situation, but, clearly she’s getting enough of that already, and my piling on would, ironically, only serve to reinforce what hubby is saying, which, of course, is a bunch of abusive bullshit and the opposite of true. Challenge me on this and I’ll bring out the double barrel snark gun on you. This behavior is not healthy and I will not entertain discussion that it’s anything but emotional abuse.)

LW#2: Dear Prudie. I’m in my mid-twenties and recently engaged to the bestest most wonderfulest man that ever lived in the entire world. Sadly, though, if I tell him that I once tried to kill myself, I’m afraid that he’ll leave. Because, even though I’m entirely over my suicide attempt (I am, Prudie, honest!), I fear that I’m not worthy of this great and wonderful and awesome man, you know, considering my suicide attempt. The one that I’m honestly over. And if he left, Prudie, I’d just die! So, my question is, do I tell him? Signed, Not Dead Yet

Dear Not Yet Dead. He’s so great for you that life couldn’t be any more of a fairy tale, yeah? Yet, you’re afraid that if you tell him, he’ll leave? How much abuse of your self worth have you taken in your life that you think this situation is okay? Listen, I’m with Prudie. I have a feeling that if you’re open and honest, your betrothed will be just fine. He may have some questions, some concerns, but, if you’ve been honest with us, and are honest with him, I’m sure it’ll be okay. And, as Prudie says, if it’s not, then he wasn’t the man for you to start with! Normally, I would advocate not even telling him something about your past that is so personal, but this is something that could affect the future, your children, your family together. This isn’t a past sexual partner. This is a lifetime concern. You are under obligation to be honest and open. If he’s everything you say he is, it likely won’t be an issue, but you owe it to him to be upfront and brutally honest about this. You both deserve for the entire truth to be told here.

LW#3: Dear Prudie. My cubicle is located in a bad place in my office. People congregate just off of my desk’s port bow, laughing, joking, shooting the breeze. One associate was actually unconsciously tapping my desk lamp the other day as he dispensed his verbal diarrhea to the group! Prudie, the biggest problem is that one of the chief offenders is my boss! I don’t want to seem like a killjoy, so I just put on earphones and avoid eye contact when they come ‘round. I’ve considered, as a deterrent to the congregating around my desk, no longer using deodorant or performing dental hygiene, but I’ve just never been the granola-eating, pubic hair-braiding type. Short of that, what can I do? Signed, That Shit Makes Me Batshit Crazy

Dear Batshit, I know this will sound like I’m toying with you, but, I promise, I’m not. Not much, anyway. Why don’t you say, “Hey guys, I’m not trying to sound like a killjoy, and, I really don’t want to have to learn to fart (although I’m willing), so, would you please walk a few paces on down the row? No, farther. Farther. Farther you fucking assholes! There! That’s perfect!” See? Easy, eh? You could also take the less direct path of just calmly talking to your supervisor, who I’m sure isn’t a complete idiot, or, even taking the initiative and arranging an area that’s away from your desk that would be even more suitable. Perhaps put some chairs there. Some plants. A tabloid, some magazines, etc. Call it a “Break Room”. It’ll be great! Above all, though, I want you to look into the mirror and repeat this mantra with me, “I’m a likely-intelligent adult. I can put on my big person undies, use my big person words and solve simple problems like this with relative ease. Why, I can even go to the potty by myself! Yay, me!”

LW#4: Dear Prudie. I have a friend who’s very concerned about the environment. I am, too, but maybe not as much as my friend. We both recycle, buy products with minimal packaging, and drive hybrids (when we’re not walking or using public transit, of course!), but, when it’s the summer, I like to use the A/C. I sometimes set it as low as 85˚F. My friend doesn’t use it at all, and so, whenever my friend comes over to my house, I turn off the A/C so as not to offend. However, my friend knows that I use it and constantly harps at me for my selfish, boorish behavior. What can I do? Signed, My Friend Is A Meany Pants

Dear Your Friend is an Asshole. Hey, guess what? Your friend is an asshole, fuck stain, rude, shit bag, hot air-making, sociopath. Tell your “friend” that “friends” don’t dictate the behaviors of other friends. “Friends” don’t harp, bitch, whine or moan when they’re in someone else’s house. “Friends” don’t manipulate. They accept us for who we are, not for who they’d like us to be. “Friends” aren’t assholes. Your “friend”? Assholus Primus Dicktatus. If this person has so little respect for you, what can you possibly be gaining from the relationship? Further, doesn’t your “friend” know that all of that bitching only leads to global warming (and, by the way, that air your “friend” is breathing is a valuable resource that the environment could be using)? I suggest asking your friend to start breathing at about 50% less. It’s the green thing to do.

****
Well, Shippers, that’s about it! I hate that I had to hold back the snark on the first two LWs, but damn, it’s amazing how emotionally messed up we can allow ourselves to get. And how the relationships we’re in when in those situations can seem so normal when we’re in them! So, I didn’t want to add any fuel, you know? Anyway, here’s hoping you’re all having a fabulously wonderful week! Good cheer, fair winds and following seas to you all!

...on Masturbators and Manipulators

2010-07-15T12:15:00.004-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2260483/ (7/15/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? All here is well. I’m writing to you from Heidelberg, Germany, home of so much lovely goodness that I won’t even start to list it (although I’d terribly remiss if I didn’t mention the schnitzel)! But don’t get me wrong! There’s all sorts of lovely goodness in the states, too! I’m not defecting! Not even if they offered me whipped honey butter and their lovely warm brotchen buns! Unfortunately, due to Internet access issues and time constraints, I’m going to have to keep this very brief, but even still, I hope to keep the snark-to-Smag ratio at the proper levels. And so, with that in mind, let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie. I have the bestest life and the bestest boyfriend in the whole wide world. We have sex one or two times per day, my boyfriend and I, but...I recently found him stroking the schnitzel while watching porn. I confronted him about it and he claimed that it’s just that he likes big boobs and would like for me to get bigger boobs. I’m very proud of my body, Prudie, honest! And I want my daughter to be proud of hers, but...I’m considering getting augmentation to please my boyfriend. What do you think? Signed, I May Have A Nice Body, But I’m Dumb As A Brick

Dear Brick. No, you should not get breasts augmented. Brain augmentation? Yes. Easily manipulatable personality replacement? Yepper! Look, I don’t know why the guy was wanking the kleinewurst, but you can bet that it’s not your lack of boobs. You are in serious, serious, serious trouble if you’re planning on augmenting your body to please the capricious whims of this or any man. But hey, since you seem so eager, how about you come over here and clean my car for me? It’s the only reason I look at new car ads. Honest!

LW#2: Dear Prudie. My husband and I are in our 50s. We live in the same town as his parents, who are in their 80s. That’s freakin’ old, Prudie, in case you’re wondering! They’re nice people, but they insist on coming with us on all of our vacations. I’m talking calling every night begging to go until we acquiesce. It’s terrible! I can’t take it. To make matters worse, my husband’s siblings are all capable, able-bodied people who just happen to live out of town, so, the responsibility of taking care of their folks never falls to them. Always to us. Am I selfish to be pissed about this Prudie? Is it okay to want to go on vacation without the folks? Signed, Tired of Being a Parent to my Husband’s Parents

Dear Parent. Nope, you’re not selfish or rude. But you are being a big ol’ pussy. If you guys don’t want to play vacation tour guides anymore, you need only say that. You can also helpfully point out that the other siblings would be happy to see them. Then, take the parents to the airport and send them to see one set of the other siblings while you take your own vacation. Then rotate siblings each vacation. Every once in awhile, take the parents with you when you go. If they balk at this excellent idea (either the parents or the siblings), just tell them to fuck off. See? Easy!

LW#3: Dear Prudie. I work in social services. I’ve been a recovering bi-polar-holic for ten years now. I tell everyone that I meet about my condition because I’m an honest person, but, a new intern who has way more education than I have, and who intimidates the hell out of me, says nasty things to me when we disagree and then she dismisses my points of view by saying, “Well, you’re bi-polar.” I’m well past allowing such a thing to upset me, Prudie (obviously), but it just might send a non-recovering bi-polar person over the edge into the danger zone of suicide. What should I do about this woman? Signed, Really, Honestly, Truthfully Over My Bi-Polarism

Dear Liar. No, you’re not over your bi-polarism. Worse, you feel the need to tell everyone you meet, even the fucking INTERN, that you are?! What the fuck, over?! You need to reel that shit in, Happy McPeppy! Personal shit like that is for your bestest friends and for your therapist. NOT the intern, or the guy on the buss, or your manicurist. Okay? But, in this case, it’s too late, so, what do you? Next time that little fucking twat says that to you, you need to have an epic fucking meltdown of monumental proportions right there in the office. Just fall on the floor, let the tears flow and agree with her, screaming “Oh my god, I know. I’m so terrible! You’re always telling me how wrong I am, how terrible I am and you’re right! You’re always telling me how stupid I am and how I don’t know anything and how weak and selfish I am for working here and how nobody likes me! And you’re right! You’re riii-iiii-iiii-iiight! Oh please help me, Ms. Intern With The Master’s Degree! Please help me get better!” Then, let snot and drool run all down her back as you hold onto her for dear life in a deep hug. Then, when you sense her getting truly, truly uncomfortable, straighten up, wipe your nose in her hair and say, “Ah, thank you. All better now.” Then walk out of the room and wink at your boss. It’ll be epic.

LW#4: Dear Prudie. My stepbrother died last week. My sister asked me to get flowers from our side of the family. Because I’m a former florist, a master gardener, and, have a kick ass floral garden, I made up an incredible but tasteful arrangement and delivered it to the funeral home. My brother asked me what he owed me and when I said, “Nothing, I made the arrangement myself.”, my sister came unglued, made a scene at the funeral, calling me cheap and tactless, and, has sided with our step-sisters in shunning me (except when they call to tell me what a cheap whore I am). What should I do? Signed, So Not A Cheap Whore

Dear Master Gardner (how does one earn this title?--ah, never mind). I’d block their phone numbers. And, what in the FUCK is the meaning of “our side of the family”. So, like, the step side is one side and the non-step side is another side. And each was obligated to buy a round of flowers? You’re One Big Happy, except when your sister gets her bitch on? Fuck that, fuck your sister, fuck your dumbass step sisters. Fuck ‘em all! Block the numbers and don’t even give it a second thought. Honest. For reals. Life’s too short. I mean, what an appropriate time to learn and embrace that fact, you know?

****
Well Shippers, that’s it. Good cheer, fair winds and following seas to you all. And to all, a good night! I’ll be coming to you live and in-person next week from my normal perch atop the conning tower. Good cheer!

...on Stupid Drunken Puking Interns, Among Others

2010-07-08T09:40:00.008-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2259807/ (7-08-2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey-hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are you on this fine, fine Prudie Day?! Holy smokes, what a humdinger bunch of letters we’ve got here! I mean, I’m so excited about all the good stuff in store, I may just have to excuse myself! ;-) Okay, maybe not that excited. But still! So, how is everyone? How’s your week been? Your summer? I hope that you’re all enjoying yourselves to the fullest! And, here’s hoping these letters help in that pursuit (they did for me)! So, without further ado, let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I just landed a dream internship in the entertainment industry! Yay for me! On my first day, we had a fabulous project and even had an after party in a bar! Well, I got entirely shit-faced slobbery drunk and wound up back at my boss’ house. When we got there, he repeatedly tried to kiss me! I have no idea why, as I thought he was gay, but, that’s irrelevant, because I then puked on his rug. He took care of me, let me sleep it off on his couch, and even apologized the next day and asked me not to quit. My question is, due to all of this crazy harassment, should I quit? Sue him? Take him down in a blaze of legal glory and then take his job (I am talented)? I mean, this is a pretty heavy issue, Prudie, and I don’t reckon he should get a free pass! What say you? Signed, Trying Hard to (Never) Work in the Entertainment Industry

Dear Dumbass Idiot Knucklehead. So, let me get this straight? You got drunk. At a work party. You then let a boss drive you to his house (what, too drunk to operate your arm to hail a cab)? You then puked in his living room? All of this, and you’re wondering if he was out of line and if you ought to somehow hold him responsible for harassment?! Let me clue you in, you fucking dimwitted, asinine, air-brained, not-taking-responsibility-for-your-own-actions, blaming-others-for-your-shortcomings, foolish ass-wipe. How fucking dare you?! Don’t you realize that there are people out there who are victims of actual harassment? The real kind, you fucking twat? Do you realize that EVERY SINGLE BIT of what happened to you that night was your fault, other than your boss trying to kiss you, which, by the way, dipshit, he didn’t manage to do?! Yet, somehow, you’ve overlooked EVERY SINGLE BIT of your shitty behavior?! Fine, he tried to kiss you. Boo-fucking-hoo. Let’s put that on Side A of our scales of justice, shall we? Now let’s pile your crimes on Side B? Got so drunk you puked yourself? Check. Then unwittingly found yourself at your boss’ house, puking in his living room? Check and check. Blaming others for your behavior instead of understanding who was at fault for where you found yourself? Yep, check. So, hmmm, given all that, sure, you have an excellent case! Isn’t it obvious?! Please do try to nail this guy for “harassment”. Why not? And please, oh please, make sure you film it. I’ve asked this of LWs in the past and they never do it. Which is a shame.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, when my son was five years old, he wanted a very expensive gaming system. My husband and I told him he’d have to save for it himself. And you know what, Prudie?! He did! He holed away every penny of his birthday, Christmas and other special money until he’d saved up over half the cash! My husband and I were so impressed with his frugality that we chipped in the other half. Fast forward two years. My husband’s uncle really liked my son’s gaming system and offered to buy it for nearly two-thirds its original price (on weekly increments of $20). My son saw this as a great way to buy the latest system and eagerly agreed. Well, even though his payments were erratic, the uncle made most of the payments and my son bought the new system. But, after losing his job, the uncle has not made the last $20 payment. It’s been months, Prudie. I find this behavior reprehensible! How can I make the uncle pay what he owes my fucking son?! Signed, Trying Hard Not to Shred Someone’s Face

Dear Tightwad. Do you want me to vindicate your feelings? Okay. Yes, the uncle sucks, I guess (does he even know he owes the last payment? Could it be he just forgot to carry the two? Or maybe you did?). So yepper, he sucks. About twenty whole dollar's worth of suck. There. Happy? Now, let’s talk about the lessons your son can learn from this whole soap opera. This is a great way for him to learn that even people who should do better sometimes don’t. And that there are all sorts of reasons for it. Some excusable, some not. You know what else he can learn about people? That some are assholes who dwell on petty slights and some move on and tackle the next big challenge. Just sayin’. I wonder if your husband is pissed about this, or if he has already chalked this up to “Uncle Ed being Uncle Ed”? My guess is that he has because I’m guessing you’re not the font of knowledge and wisdom from whence your son gets his good graces. Why don’t you take a page from them both and move on? It’ll do your stress levels some good. But hey, if you need the drama, take that new game system from your son and tell him that until he collects that $20, he doesn’t deserve the system! Tell him that you’re only doing this to teach him responsibility so that he doesn’t end up like Uncle Ed. And please film it, if you do? Please?

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I’m a successful, powerful, Armani suit-wearing executive. I’m also gay. That last fact has never really mattered in my group of co-workers, but recently a group of us was talking about two straight female celebrities kissing on an awards show. While most everyone agreed that it was just a stunt, one woman, with whom I’ve always been close, went on and on about how disgusted she was by that “trash” and how there were kids watching! She ranted about it, Prudie! As you might imagine, I took this a little personally. Since then, she’s apologized and said her comments “weren’t aimed at me.” I’ve accepted her apology, but I’m still pretty miffed about it. It’s hurt our close relationship and she can tell that something’s up, even asking me if I’m still mad. I don’t want this to have an impact our personal relationship, but, how can I put this behind me? Signed, Out and Proud, but also Pretty Pissed

Dear Pissed. Dude, you just got a look into this woman’s true self. Perhaps your first one ever. Had the TV couple been hetero, but they just so happened to be black and white, and had the “stunt” been them kissing, how would your black colleagues react to such words from this woman? Her lame-assed efforts at damage control aside, you’ve described this woman’s words as having been “ranted”, making you “uncomfortable” and “bothered”, belying a tone of “disgust toward gay people”. And you’re wondering how to put this behind you? Here’s what I’d do. I’d tell her exactly how her words felt! I’d tell her exactly how you took them, and, how her excuse that the comment wasn’t “aimed” at you is a fucking, goddamned cop out! If she’s a bigot, she’s a bigot. And all the “oh, I didn’t mean you” in the world isn’t going to change that. If all she was talking about was the kissing, and the gender of those kissing was irrelevant to her, that’d be one thing. But I’m thinking you’re intelligent enough to know and sense the difference, and I’m not going to insult you by insinuating that you missed those cues. Listen, there’s not enough time in the world for people like this. I’d put this behind you by putting her behind you! And if you do, and, you know, if you want, please film it.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, my younger sister is pregnant with her first. She’s going fucking batshit crazy, Prudie! She’s registered for two stores. No, not at two stores (although that’s true), but for two stores’ worth of baby stuff. She’s insane! Prudie, she’s having four baby showers. I think it makes her look greedy, crazy and über materialistic. I believe that she’s embarrassing herself. What can I do or say without upsetting her? Signed, Excited But Ashamed Auntie

Dear Auntie. Thank you for a sane letter. Well, relatively-speaking. Look, you are forgetting what registries are for. They’re for listing stuff that you want. They’re not for, “Hey, you guys need to buy me every item on this list or I’ll cry!” It’s like, if I have a choice between two versions of a thing and I register for one, it’s just showing you my preference between the two. It doesn’t mean you have to buy it! It’s a wish list! And that’s okay. And, too, if you think back to before your first little one, you’ll remember how nuts you were with all of the expectations of how great you’d be at parenting, how you’d never pick up a pacifier off the floor and lick it clean before putting it back in baby’s mouth (hell, you probably thought you’d never even use a pacifier!). Now you know that you don’t even have to lick ‘em, just wipe ‘em off on your pants and call it good. But your sister is in the first-time-parents mode. So have a little sympathy. But, as for the four showers, that is a bit crazy. However, it’s also none of your business. The only person in this world that you can control is you. So, buy her a nice present, attend a shower or two (whatever you want), and enjoy yourself. If she asks for advice, give it. Without judgment. If you see she’s doing something stupid (like buying a toddler bed before even giving birth), you can offer that she might better-spend her money elsewhere and how that bed isn’t going to be used for quite awhile. But not in a judgmental way. Only as the voice of experience. Make sure to check yourself for jealousy at all turns and bite your tongue more than you use it. I’m sure everything will be fine by the time the new bundle of joy is out of diapers. It always works out in the end. Honest! Hang in there, okay? Most new parents are a little nuts, it’s just that they’re usually not your sister. Here’s betting you were a little nuts in your sister’s eyes! Hell, we recently had two new dads here who, in their new-parent exuberance, were going to go sans diapers...

****
Alrighty there, Shippers, that about does it! I’m off for Germany tomorrow for work, so next week’s column will be coming to you straight from the Mother Land (provided you’re of German descent). It’s okay, though, as they have ‘net connections there in Europe. Honest! Fair winds and following seas to you, Shippers! And many happy returns...

...on Weddings, Litigators and Sisters

2010-07-01T11:33:00.005-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2258354/ (7/01/10) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? I have to say, as late as Prudie’s column was published today, I wasn’t sure if we were going to get one! Imagine my relief when I saw it! A week’s worth of built-up snark is a dangerous thing, Shippers! I had a wonderful week leading up to this one. I hope you all did, too! But, since we’re running late, let’s dispense with the pleasantries and get crackin’ on the letters, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’m 35 years old and in a great relationship with a great woman. Life is great! We’re at that stage in our relationship where I’m starting to seriously think about settling down, buying a pet, starting a family, taking up gardening, and maybe even starting to wear tweed jackets. Isn’t that awesome?! Everything would be perfect except for one problem. I was a sperm donor in college and I’m afraid my potential fiancée would be upset if someone were to ever show up at the door claiming that I’m his/her father. I’m inexplicably torn about what to do here, Prudie. Tell my fiancée, or keep mum. Can you help me? Signed, More in the Loins than in the Brain

Dear Loins, I guess that I’m not sure why you’re writing? I mean, do you even realize what most people’s secrets are? Yours is like kindergarten fodder when compared to the ex-stripper, ten-time abortion-having, former-drug-using, eight cheerleading team-screwing, experimented with homosexual sex in college, masturbated to little people porn, golden shower-liking, ex-hooker (or hooker ex-purchaser) pasts of other people. Just tell her already, dude. Fuck! If you’re honestly sweating over revealing this to her, then I’ve got news for you. She ain’t all that great. Or, you’re stupid. One of the two. Or both.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’m an experienced litigator with a problem. I’ve just become a partner at a great firm, but, in meeting new clients, my appearance seems to be an issue. I’m a petite, feminine-looking blond woman who tries to play down her femininity by dressing as neutrally as possible (including bland makeup, not doing my hair and binding my titties). But male clients sometimes say things like, “Wow, you don’t look all that mean. Are you sure you can, you know, hang with the big dogs?” Women clients never say things of this type. Prudie, I have to admit, it pisses me right off. I’m a fucking great litigator, and if they can’t see past my dainty exterior, fuck them! What should I do? Signed, My Eyes Are Up Here, Assholes

Dear Eyes, I guess I’m not sure why you’re writing? I mean, you say that you’re an experienced litigator, right? You even protest that you’re a good courtroom lawyer. Yet you can’t figure out that you’re being bullied by a bunch of knuckle dragging fuck stains? Holy shit, what does it take to become a partner, just a bubble gum wrapper diploma? Grow some balls, Woman! First off, what’s with this anti feminine-looking bullshit you’re trying to pull off?! Professional women can embrace their femininity without looking like they’re ready to jump into the sack or looking like they need a sack, you know? You’re being fucked by the man in the way you carry yourself and in the way your perceive yourself. Stop it! Why don’t you try actually believing the bullshit you’re selling and be confident enough in your ability that some asshole throw away comment won’t shake you from that belief. If someone ever tells me that I don’t look like I can do my job because I don't look bookish enough or nice enough to get the data I need (I work in a pretty female-dominated field), I’d laugh at them. Honestly. Not out of hubris, mind you, just out of actual, honest certain and unflappable faith that I really am good at my job. If you are, and if you believe it, these little comments will not make you uncomfortable, they’ll only display for you what assholes you have for clients. Here’s hoping they become fewer and farther between.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, my older daughter is getting her ears pierced for her birthday. She’ll be ten. Our other daughter, who’s six, was very excited about the news and said that she wanted to come and watch the procedure, to which my oldest daughter snottily replied, “No, you heinous brat, I don’t want you there! I hate you and wish you’d never been born!” This outburst made me quite angry. To the point that I was going to force the eldest to apologize and have her little sister along or else there would be no piercings! I want to force them to get along, Prudie, because I think that sisters should get along. They’re sisters, god damnit! Plus, I was a younger sister and my older sister used to piss me off something fierce. My husband, who’s an older brother, thinks we ought to acquiesce. He says the oldest is always being made to play with the youngest and sometimes it just plain sucks to always have to drag them along to everything. What should we do, Prudie? I’m so confused that I can barely function. Signed, Two Kids, Four Un-pierced Ears, and Loads of Pain

Dear Pained, I do know why you’re writing. You’re an idiot. Now that you’re both adults, do you get along with your evil older sister who never wanted to do anything with you as you two were growing up? And are you still holding resentment from childhood? Think it’s time to let that go? Holy smokes, how hard is this? How many solutions are there to this problem? It’s not a hard one and if you can rub two brain cells together and quit making it such a huge dramatic reenactment of your own childhoods, you and your husband could figure it out in no time. But, since you seem to be struggling mightily, here is how a non-challenged parent would handle it. First of all, you can’t accept mean girl behavior. So, older sister does need to apologize, sincerely, or else lose the privilege of having her ears pierced. Second, younger sister needs to be told that when she’s ten, she can have her ears pierced “like a big girl”, but, since this is a special thing, it’ll be just mommy and daughter time for you and the elder, just like, when it’s her turn, you and she (the younger) will go together. Daddy can hang out with the younger having some ice cream or playing video games or running around making fun of female lawyers. It’s okay if the girls separated every once in awhile. Push them together like you are and it’s only natural they’ll get pissy. You think it’s difficult now? Keep up the vicarious sister bonding via the younger daughter and see just how nasty it’ll get.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, my cousin “Bill” is getting married next month to his fianceé, “Jane”. Due to the short courtship and their living out of state, most of the family hasn’t yet met Jane. Upon learning of the good news, my older sister, “Bitchy McDumbassedbitchmeister”, wrote Jane a note introducing herself and in it asked Jane to change the wedding date (as my sister had other plans on that day). Jane declined the request to change dates and Bitchy’s feelings got hurt. Bitchy then did her bitchy thing and bitched about Jane’s petty meanness to anyone and everyone who’d listen. As a result, Jane decided to not send Bitchy an invitation to the wedding (I mean, Bitchy did say she already had plans, right?). So now, several family members aren’t going to attend the wedding because Bitchy was somehow uninvited by Jane. How can I fix this, Prudie? Signed, Stuck in the Middle Again

Dear Stuck, I’m going to make this short and sweet. Your sister is an unbelieeeeeeeevable asshole. She is a bitch of highest order. She is the kind of person who’d feign an illness at someone’s wedding in order to have the attention on her instead of on the wedding party. Your family, at least the members who aren’t coming to the wedding due to this power play, are idiots, too. All of them. And finally, you are an idiot for even entering into this! What the hell are you doing? Is this any of your business? At all? Nope! Not even slightly. What you need to do is find a nice dress, go to the wedding, have a great time, tell Jane how wonderful she looks, and, congratulate your cousin. If anyone brings up your sister, you say, “I’m sorry, but, I have no idea how any of that went down and I don’t care to know or discuss it.” Then don't. Here’s the thing, Stuck in the Middle, you’re only stuck there because you’ve put yourself there. Your family is way dysfunctional and you’re all, to a person, enabling bad behavior. If you stay out of other people’s shit storms, you won’t be all covered in shit, now will you? Amazing how that works. If you decide to take this advice (which you won’t), you’ll be amazed at how nice it feels to be clean.

****
Well Shippers, that’s about it! It’s raining here. Hurricane Alex. What a perfect time to snuggle up on the couch, sip some coffee and read a book. Or watch a movie. Or two. Trust me, you won’t regret it. ‘Til next week, then, fair winds and following seas to ya, Shippers!

...on Dancing, Destructive Boyfriends and Scabies

2010-06-24T09:12:00.003-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2258009/ (6/24/10) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? All here is wonderful! The sun is in full bloom and burning bright, but, not too, too hot. Sort of like the perfect mixture of light and heat, you know? And while I know these perfect conditions can’t last, I’m certainly enjoying them while they do! I hope that all’s well with you, too, Shippers! They clearly aren’t so well with the letter writers, though, eh? So, with that in mind, let’s get crackin’, shall we? But, before we do, I have a special bit of code for hrumpole that I find truly amazing: two days, 4-6, 6-3, 7-6, 6-7, 59-59. Wow!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, We have a strange form of employee recognition at my company. Whenever someone does something great (like a big sale, new client, etc.), they’re made to get up in front of everyone (we all gather in the lobby) and dance. Yes, dance! And this is purportedly for recognition, Prudie!? I’ve only been here for three months and I’ve been made to dance three times already. I’d much rather receive some time off, or a gift card, or, well, just about anything. And, fact is, it’s making me strive for mediocrity out of fear of being made to dance. What can I do? Signed, Yes, You Can Put Baby In A Corner!

Dear Baby, What a strange place you work! It sounds like you deal with high pressure sales with and extra side of slime. And while that’s so not my scene (and sounds as if it may not be yours), I understand that there are some people out there who thrive on that shit! I know, right? The way I see it, you have two choices: start looking for new work, or, if you think he/she will hear you and appropriately act on your concerns, talk to a trusted supervisor and tell them that you’re epically uncomfortable with dancing in front of everyone, and, that you fear of it's actually affecting your job performance. Either way, in the meantime, watch "Napoleon Dynamite". He’ll show you how to get your groove on in front of the whole office, even while maintaining your dignity. Mostly.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I have the bestest, most greatest boyfriend in the whole world...but, he sometimes gets angry and takes out his frustration on inanimate objects. And Prudie, here’s the kicker. It’s over stupid, little stuff! Like, for example, he nearly destroyed a desk of ours because the computer was running too slow. While I don’t have a single fear that he’ll harm me (I really don’t), I do worry and am frightened when he acts like this. Because the threat is never toward me, is this something I can ask him to curb? When we’ve talked about it in the past, he says he can’t control it. That he sort of just blacks out with rage. What should I do? Signed, I Sometime Feel Like Cowering In A Corner

Dear Cowering, You may be amazed with what I’m about to say, but, what your boyfriend is going through is relatively normal (for a late teen, early twenty-something male). Not necessarily the breaking of things, but the white-hot, crazy, non-specific rage. Some people deal with it better than others, obviously. But, what’s not acceptable, ever, is the random destruction of your belongings. That’s a lack of respect for you and your things. So, what you point out to him is that if he wants to act like a Neanderthal and not learn to better control his emotions (which he can, and soon will), he’d better fucking learn not to break anything that belongs to you because you will not put up with it. Replacing it isn’t good enough because, frankly, some things just aren’t replaceable, and, fact is, you don’t want to replace your things. You want them intact. Make sure that he understands that it’s a matter of respect for you and that you’re dead serious about this issue. Let him know that it’s a deal breaker for you. Unlike Prudie, I’m not jumping to fear of your future kids seeing this behavior, I’ll just ask you how you’ll feel if he breaks your grandmother’s porcelain doll collection, you know, by uncontrollable blind “accident”. You deserve respect and that isn’t expressed only by him deigning not to hit you. Your property and peace of mind are also important to your emotional wellbeing.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, My dad had a stroke about a year ago. Prior to that, he was fully-engaged, functional and energetic. And though he still has all mental and speech faculties, he has been physically damaged beyond repair and requires 24/7 medical care. Two months ago, my mom died. This has been devastating, obviously, and, what’s worse, my siblings and I have found out that her death was avoidable! She was misdiagnosed and mistreated. Two of my siblings want to tell my dad about this error, two of us want to keep it from him, knowing what he’s already been through in such a short time. What should we do? Signed, Hard Choices Are Painting Me Into A Corner

Dear Choice Maker, There is no question. You must tell him. Yes, he has had a really shitty year. Yes, the news will upset him. Yes, it will likely put him into a hell of a funk. But let me be 100% perfectly clear. Finding out randomly that it was kept from him--perhaps from a stranger?! That news will devastate him, shake his trust in you, and fortify fears that he’s already grappling with that he’s a burden on you and your siblings. Do the right thing. And do not wait. This is more important than you can possibly imagine and I’ll chalk up your indecision on you and your siblings having been under a lot of stress this year, too. It’s clear your hearts are in the right place. Hang in there.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, Last weekend, my boyfriend and I hosted a small party. Our friend “John” was one of our guests. All went well. Well, the next day, I saw on some girl’s FaceBook page that she had scabies and that she’d gotten it at a friend’s house while sleeping in their guest bed--with John!!! I’m mortified and pissed beyond rage that John would come to our house with scabies! I want to drop him as a friend, and out him FaceBook via a letter to all of our mutual friends. What should I do? Signed, I Think John Needs To Go Stand In The Corner

Dear Thinker, I wonder how trustworthy this information is that you got? Did it say, “John and I got scabies”? Or, did it say, “I got the scabies when John and I slept together”? Or, did it (most likely) say, “John is an insensitive jerk face who broke up with me, and, oh, yeah, by the way, he gave me the scabies! Yeah, that’s the ticket!” Thing is, you don’t know shit. You have no clue, actually, unless there was a scanned, dated medical report stating that John had the guest riders. And, even if he did have scabies, what’s to say they weren’t already treated by party time? You can get prescription medication for that shit, you know? And, in less than a week, with just two applications, they’re gone. So, I’d suggest calming your ass down and taking care of your own business. There are all sorts of things you can do to greatly reduce your risk of getting infected if they are in your house. So do them. And quit being such an idiot. Oh, and, you know, if you want to drop John as a friend, just drop him. Manufactured scabies indignation and FaceBook letter bombs are like hanging a sign around your neck that says, “Get involved with me and you’ll be on a one-way ride into the danger zone! Enter at own risk!”

****
And that, Shippers, is that. I hope that you’re all having a wonderful day, week and month. What are you summer plans? What have you already done that was fun and exciting? Do tell! Fair winds and following seas to you all.

...on Father's Day Issues Galore

2010-06-17T10:40:00.015-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2257149/ (6/17/10) <---Original Prudie Questions Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? And, it’s a special Father’s Day edition of Prudie, too! How can you beat that?! Speaking of, I’d like to wish a happy Father’s Day to my dad, we’ll call him by the nick “SmagDad1”, both for ease of memory and to protect his privacy. I hope it’s a great day, SmagDad1! Happy Father’s Day! That said, and with today’s Father’s Day theme clearly in force, let’s get crackin’ on these letters, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie,

A few years back, I married my high school sweetheart. Later, I had an affair. My husband found out, but, we decided to stay together and work through things. After that, I found out that I was pregnant with my mistertress’ child. Even though my husband was all bummed and stuff, he stood by me and has been the most bestest father ever! My question is, do we ever tell our son that his dad isn’t his real father? My ex-mistertress has kindly offered to honor whatever decision we make regarding this touchy issue.

Signed, One Too Many Baby Daddies

Dear Psychic Parentage Diviner,

Like Prudie, I’m not sure how you could know with certainty the father of this child unless you and your husband went sexless for quite awhile, before and after the affair, which, I suppose could have happened, but, if I were you, I still wouldn’t be positive unless there’s just absolutely no doubt. As in ab-so-lute-ly no doubt. So there’s that, but, you know what else? There’s even an easier way to figure out who the child’s father is. Look on the birth certificate! Find the box that says “Father”. Look at the name there. It’s your husband’s, right? And he’s the one acting and living and loving and being your child’s father? Well then, there you go. Other kids should have it so good!

(***Update: Upon taking much flak in The Fray over this post, I'd like to add the following. It's not a capitulation, but an addendum: LW should sit down with her husband and come up with the best strategy to let the boy know the truth when he's ready. Whether that's at age three, thirteen or thirty, I don't care. It's not about the when or if. It's about the fact that the boy has an apparently loving and devoted father already. That said, I do acknowledge the child's right to know.)

LW#2: Dear Prudie,

My wife and I normally agree on all things regarding rearing the children. We have a son and a daughter, 7 and 11. They play baseball and softball respectively, but, I coach my son’s baseball team and we have games on Mondays and Wednesdays. Our daughter has games on Tuesdays and Thursdays (and on alternating Fridays). Because I have to be at every single one of my son’s games (as the coach), I plan on attending only one of the two or three games per week that our daughter plays. My wife says I’m being selfish and spurning our daughter in favor of my son. I say my wife’s a bitch for even insinuating such a thing. I mean, don’t I deserve a couple of nights of freedom per week?

Signed, One Too Many Babies Daddied

Dear Selfish Bastard,

So, like, how long is baseball/softball season? Really, that’s all I have to say to you. I mean, holy shit. You chose to be coach to your son’s team, right? It’s not like you were drafted under threat of physical torture, right? So, either quit your post as coach, or, holy shit, go to your kids’ games. Jesus H. Fucking Christ on a crumb cake?! Prudie let you off way too easily, as, I guess, she’s afraid of being called a misandrist on Father’s Day, or because she skipped her own kid’s games and fears shame? I’m not saddled with either such fear. Prudie is correct to ask if you are planning to coach softball next year, though. If so, and if you plan on missing half your son’s games, I supposed you’ve got some leverage with your wife against charges of spurning your daughter, but, still, why? Ball season for your kids is all of three months. They’re kids and playing ball for, what, about ten years, max? So, three months times two extra games attended per week times ten years equals (assuming four weeks per month, carry the one) 240 extra nights in your life, “ruined” by attending games?! You want me to break down the actual hours you’re going to “lose”, jackass? Here’s hoping that instead you can do that math and figure out what’s important all on your own.

LW#3: Dear Prudie,

I’m a single mom of three teenagers. I divorced when they were very young and then shackled myself to them, sacrificing every aspect of my life in order to serve them. I’m a great mom, Prudie. Honest! And my girls love me to death. They visit their father on occasion and hate it. He plops them in front of the TV and just does what he’d normally do. They hate it. It’s torture to them. But, fact is, when they go, I like to use that time to unwind. I eat ice cream naked in the mornings! I don’t have to drive them every the fuck where! It’s great, Prudie, and I need it! They don’t want to go this summer and my sister says that I’m “destroying” them by making them. Now I’m afraid they’ll put me in a nursing home in my old age when they’re the ones who are stressed and need their naked ice cream time!

Signed, One Too Many Chick Flicks or Romance Novels Absorbed

Dear Naked Ice Cream Lady,

Teenager’s, eh? So, that means the youngest is 13 and oldest, if step ladder kids, 15. You’re one year, or less (and probably less, as I suspect they’re older than that--you did mention college) from allowing them to drive themselves places. They’ve also been old enough for years to respect your closed bedroom door (that came at about age five). You need to start taking advantage of both. As for the worries about the nursing home, I’d listen to that bit of self guilt, ‘cause I’m pretty sure you’re not telling us everything, but your subconscious knows the truth. And one last thing, because this is a personal pet peeve of mine, you aren’t “sacrificing” anything for your kids, you selfish git. I don’t care if you donate a lung and kidney and an eyeball to them, you aren’t “sacrificing” anything. Love is not a sacrifice. Look, I’m not suggesting you have to be their slave, but I am suggesting you get over the whole fucking "woe is me" victim attitude. You’re the one who opened her legs, yes? It's not like they decided to crawl up in your womb, uninvited, is it? Had you not played hide the salami with their daddy, you could eat all the ice cream naked you want, yes? Well there you go. Live with it, Hon, because it’s all on you. Sacrifice, my ass...

LW#4: Dear Prudie,

I recently received an e-mail from my emotionally-distant, slightly unbalanced, single-for-a-reason father. He’s signed up on a dating website and would like for me to write a testimonial for him. I don’t want to. It sounds pretty icky to me, but, even if that wasn’t the case, like I say, he’s single for a reason! He really does have issues and has used them to treat me and my family terribly at times. The only problem is that if I don’t do this, I’m afraid he’ll be offended. What should I do?

Signed, One Too Many Offenses

Dear Daughter With Daddy Issues,

Boy, he’s got your wrapped around his finger, doesn’t he? He treats you like shit, is ornery, is single-for-a-reason (which I read to mean that he treated your mom like shit, too), yet, you’re worried about hurting his feelings?! I think what you need to be worried about is why you feel the need to be a victim to this man? The answer for what to do here is simple. Just say “no”. If he needs to know why, and you feel the need to tell him, you can, but, don’t listen to any of his retaliatory, emotionally manipulative bullshit. You are being gamed by a classic manipulator. You need to talk with a therapist or read up on how to get out of the cycle of being manipulated/abused by people like this. I warn you, though, it may shed some light on your marriage (here’s hoping not--that your husband is a wonderful man, but, all too often, we marry our parents)... Proceed tenderly, but do proceed. It’s important.

****
Well Shippers, that pretty much does it for this week’s letters. I have a fun weekend planned! I might even go see a movie! Or cook something exciting! Or maybe just pad around the house and just be. Plus, there’s homework. Tons and tons of homework. So, you know, it is what it is. But, regardless of that, I still plan on it being wonderful! Here’s hoping that yours is, too! ‘Til next time, fair winds and following seas to you all, Shippers!

...on Learning Mommy Was A Real Person, Too

2010-06-10T16:08:00.002-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2256360/ (6/09/10) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? All here is well. There’s been rain, and lots of it, but I don’t mind. I’d rather there be rain than drought, you know? Plus, I know for an absolute fact that the sun is going to be shining in all of its radiant glory any day now. I guess I’m an optimist in that regard. Or psychic. Or a meteorologist? Nah, just optimistic. Anyway, enough of that. We’ve got letters! So, rather than indulge my alternative career fantasies, let’s get crackin’, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’m lost. Even more than normal. See, my mom died when I was a teenager, so, I’ve spent the last thirty years making her into a quasi-goddess. A saint-on-Earth. An icon. I preach about her to my children. I pray to her at night. I inform anyone who’ll listen that I’m living for my mother’s memory and that it is what nourishes me, sustains me, fulfills me. Sadly, though, in recently helping my father move into an apartment, I received my mother’s personal diary. Of course I read it, and I found out that that damned bitch hated me! What a whore! I hate her now more than ever, Prudie. She probably cheated on my wonderfully perfect and magnanimous dad, Prudie, and probably raped me as a child, too. What can I do, Prudie?

Dear Poor Sad Crushed Little Girl, there’s only thing for it. Start living your own damned life, you know, for your own self, based on your own standards and your own morals, instead of trying to deify and demonize the people around you and pretend that it’s for them that you live your life and meet your successes and suffer your failures. They’re human beings, just like you. Nothing more, nothing less. They are no more worthy of your worship or damnation than the kitchen garbage pail. If you can’t live for yourself, you’re relegating everyone around you into some sort of fantasy world that doesn’t exist except in your own warped head. I strongly suggest some counseling in an effort to try to get at why you can’t connect with people in a realistic and healthy way. You need it. Desperately.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, my husband and I host frequent get-togethers at our home for a group of our church friends. One of the wives recently confided in me that her husband finds it difficult to control his lust for other women. At the next meeting, I noticed she was patting her neck in an apparent clandestine message meant to encourage me to button up my blouse, which, by the way, Prudie, was buttoned all the way up save for one button?! I changed my top rather than confront this woman, but, after thinking about it, I realized the behavior was quite rude. The blouse was perfectly acceptable! Am I really responsible for wearing a frumpy sweatshirt with trash bag over it every time we host a party?

Dear Poor Sad Hallelujah Hostess, there’s only one thing for it. You have to come to the realization that this woman is insanely jealous of you. She’s worked it up in her mind that her husband wants you. Badly. And she’s determined that the root of his lust is your tits. But don’t worry. Cover them up and next week it’ll be your legs. And then your hips. You know the answer here: either quit inviting this woman into your home, period, or, if you choose to continue to do so, the next time she tries her little “you need to cover up your skanky-assed ho self” routine, you can walk over and say, “Sally, you have a choice. I’m dressed appropriately. If you can’t handle it, you’ll need to remove yourself from the situation because I won’t be changing my attire to suit you.” Notice how I didn’t say a word about her husband? Good, because believe me, if he’d been staring you down, you’d have noticed. This is all Sally, and your acquiescing on this only emboldens her resolve and feeling of moral righteousness.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I was recently in a short-term relationship with an aspiring writer/blogger. I value my privacy and didn’t really care to be the subject of any of her blog entries, but, in an effort to keep the peace, I acquiesced on the grounds that she only use my initials when blogging. Well, after the breakup, she’s continued to blog about me, painting me in an unflattering light, like saying I am “emotionally distant”, etc. The fact that she has pictures on her blog makes it worse, and I’m afraid that family, friends and potential employers might see this blog and hold its contents against me. What can I do?

Dear Poor Sad Photographed Ex, there’s only one thing for it. Well, a couple of things, actually, but, I had a theme going and I wasn’t about to break it to satisfy you (did you see that, LW#2, see how it works?). First off, you have to realize that no one’s looking at this lady’s blog. I mean, sure, a few friends and faithful readers (which are very cool to have, by the way), but the world is full of, literally, billions of people. And one of them who shouldn’t be reading her blog anymore, but still is, apparently, is you. So stop it! Damn! What, do you like drama or something? You paying her blog any attention whatsoever is like icing or her cake of self-pity and loathing. So stop it! Finally, if you just can’t get over yourself and your image is that important, recognize that you can easily get the photos removed via legal channels. It’s so easy that a nine-year-old who learns that her dead mother hates her could do it. So read up on applicable law and then keep feeding this woman icing. Unless, you know, you want to move on, drama-free? Nah, didn’t think so.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, there’s a woman at my place of work, “Cindy”, who is about to be fired. She’s a nice lady, but just isn’t cutting it responsibility-wise. She’s been warned several times, is currently on probation, and still hasn’t improved. I’m in management and could tell her that the ax is coming. My hope there would be that she could be more prepared to find a new job by using the extra time to dust off her résumé, look through the wanted ads, etc. Prudie, she was widowed a few years back and is putting her kids through college and it just breaks my heart. Of course, it’s against company policy to tell her what I know, so, it’d be a risk, but, as I say, she’s a nice lady and I’d like to help her out. What should I do?

Dear Poor Sad Woman-in-the-Know, there’s only one thing for it. Zip it! Tell me, Ms. Management Lady, can you not predict how many bad ways ‘til Sunday it could turn out if you decide to tell her? Not only might you lose your job, Cindy might decide to use this extra time to gather whatever information she can to sue your company. Telling her, unless you did it exactly right, using exactly the right words, could come back to haunt you in ways that you’re clearly not thinking about right about. Further, what makes you think she would use her ‘extra’ time in a productive manner? It doesn’t sound like planning is one of her strong points. Now, what you can do to help her is to try to use your network to find a job for her that she can handle. It might do for you to offer a shoulder after she’s been let go, perhaps take her to dinner or have coffee with her, let her vent, etc. But, you should never, ever, ever talk about what you know or what anyone at work has said about her or her work. The conversation about her firing needs to be a one-way street, from her to you. Point being, there are things you can do to help without risking your own livelihood. And if you want to help her, that’s the best way.

****
Well Shippers, that about does it for me this week. I hope that you’re all doing wonderfully well on this fine, fine Prudie Day and that your week and weekend are as wonderful as ever! So, until next week, fair winds and following seas to you, Shippers!

...on Masturbating in the Law Office (and other offenses)

2010-06-03T09:48:00.002-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2255751/ (06/03/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Hey hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? How is the wonderouds, beauteous, incredible month of June treating you? Are you happy, healthy and warm (or at least appropriately air-conditioned)? I hope so! I am on vacation this week, enjoying an extended holiday weekend all week long! But, that doesn’t mean that I’m not with you, too, here in the Lagoon! In that way, I’m always here, and happily! But, all of the pleasantries aside, we’ve got several letters to get to, eh? And there are some good ones this week, too! So, what do you say? Let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I am a young female attorney who recently started work at a small law office. On a recent morning, I arrived at work much earlier than normal and believe that I walked in on my boss masturbating. He was the only other person in the office and had no idea that I was there. Though, admittedly, I didn’t actually see him masturbating, I’m 95% sure that’s what was going on. If I report anything, it’ll feel very strange because I’m the new, young, female attorney and I’d have to report it to the older, established male attorneys. And worse, my boss is not the person who makes pay decisions, so, I can’t even leverage this information in any lucrative way. What to do? Signed, Ruminating on Masturbating

Dear Ruminating, I think I can help. I recently received a letter from an ungrateful, twit, shit bag. I’m 95% sure that she was masturbating while she wrote it because nothing else would explain how someone so ostensibly intelligent (she holds a law degree that I assume did not come from a Cracker Jack box) could be so out-of-this world, undeniably fucking stupid. Do you know what I told her? I said, “Mind your own fucking business, you goddamned, gold digging fuck stain. How about you try actually working for your pay instead of getting everywhere in life through the work of others? First your parents, who I’m certain paid for your schooling (although clearly forgot to instill any morals or common decency or work ethic), and now your innocent boss who, assuming he was alone, got caught in an unfortunate, but entirely harmless situation.” I doubt she heeded my advice though. Some people are beyond being helped. Mostly, from what I hear, they become attorneys.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, Several months back, my ex, angry over having to pay child support, told my 15-year-old son several lies about the nature of our marriage and my son’s parentage! He said that I’d trapped my ex in the relationship with lies. That I was a slut who had no idea who the father was, that I’d tried to put up our son for adoption, and other lies. My son was furious when he came home to me, but wouldn’t say why. As a result, I snooped on his computer and found out what my ex had said. Now I don’t know what to do? If I defend myself to my son, I’ll have to admit that I snooped. Which is worse, being a slut who doesn’t know the parentage of her child, or a mom who snoops on her 15-year-old son? Signed, Ruminating on Capitulating

Dear Ruminating, the solution is simple. You snooped, right? You knew it was wrong and yet you did it. Why? Well, because you were concerned and were trying desperately to find answers. Should you have? No. Never. Because we see how it ends up. Every. Single. Fucking. Time! Point is, there’s no excuse to snoop. Ever (unless there are drugs or other potentially death-inducing situations involved and the person in question is a minor)! But, now that you’ve done it, you sure do have your answers, don’t you? What can you do now? Well, the way I see it, you’ve got only once choice. Continue being the stabilizing factor in your son’s life. Continue (or start) being the mature adult in his life. Continue (or start) providing a solid example for the kind of person he should grow up to be. He may not be your friend right now. He may not even like you. But don’t give him reason to not respect you. The former concerns pass, but the latter one? That goes on forever and spills into other relationships. He’ll figure out that your ex is a flaming fucking idiot and the former concerns will change. You, on the other hand, can do better than that. Be the adult in this situation as it’s in desperate need of one. Good luck and hang in there.

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I’m in my mid-20s and my best friend and I used to be inseparable. At the beginning of the year, we were in a terrible car accident (she was driving). While I escaped with only a few broken bones, my friend died. Everyone was devastated. My question is about her stuff. I want it. Well, not all of it, just the things that I gave her. And maybe some additional sentimental trinkets that might help me remember her. I don’t imagine they’re things that would mean a lot to her family, but they would to me. Oh, yeah, I’d like to get back a book that I loaned her, too. How can I broach this subject with her parents and family? Should I just let it go? Signed, Ruminating on Indignating

Dear Ruminating, I find myself very confused by your letter. I mean, I should feel really bad for you. I should pity your circumstances and want to help you navigate this minefield with your friend’s family. But for some reason I don’t. And I’m not sure why? As a matter of fact, I find myself almost having to resist admonishing you for even writing in. Why is that, do you think? And, if I, a stranger, feel that way, how do you imagine her family will feel? Perhaps we can figure this out through some questions. I have several. If you were so close with your friend, why haven’t you talked to her parents before writing to Prudie?! Why haven’t you met with them? Why haven’t all of you grieved together? Perhaps your friend had a bad relationship with her parents? Perhaps you’ve only known her a short time, or the two of you lived far away from her family? Perhaps you’ve never met her family? Something in your letter just doesn’t add up and I can’t put my finger on it, but, in the meantime, it makes it impossible for me to offer very specific advice other than to say that you should, in fact, just let it go. I would hope that you’ve sent your condolences to this family? In this case, that may be all you can do. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you the best for a full recovery, but I wish the same for your friend’s family, and I fear you hold part of the key to that one in that a careless or insincere request from you could cause far more pain than healing. I do hope you'll proceed wisely.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, My husband is a 15-year military veteran. Since leaving the service, he developed a condition that caused him to lose his leg. The condition was not service related. However, we are often stopped in public by well-meaning individuals who ask if my husband is a veteran, and, upon his answering in the affirmative, will offer all sorts of gratitude for his service and sacrifice to our country. It seems dishonest to accept the gratitude, though, considering the fact that he leg was not lost due to a service-related injury. We don’t want to go into my husband’s medical history when this happens, but also don’t want to discourage people from thanking vets in the future. What should we do? Signed, Ruminating on Fabricating

Dear Ruminating, why not just tell the truth? Say, “Oh, thank you very much, but, just to be clear, while I am a veteran, my condition is not a result of my time in the service.” Whew! Tough, eh? One whole sentence! Listen, just so you know, when I wear my command ball cap to the local hardware store, I get stopped and thanked for my service, too. Sometimes, yes, even with tears. And I have both of my legs. And while, like you, it makes me feel a little awkward when this happens, it is well-meaning enough. The specifics of your situation, however, are not difficult to explain. Just use the sentence I gave you above. How hard is that? And finally, just because I’m curious about the specifics, why are you writing in about this situation? Your husband is the veteran, yes? Your husband is the one with the missing leg, right? Presumably, he’s the one who answers these queries (or do you answer for him)? Since I see this entire situation as one that he should handle, and not you, I’m not sure why you’re handling any aspect of it, but, that’s a letter for another day, I suppose (but, you don’t cut his meat for him, do you?). Good luck, and remember, the truth will set you free!

****
Well, Shippers, that’s about it! This is a quick, down and dirty version because, as I say, I’m vacationing. But, if I’ve missed anything, if I’m off the mark, or, if you just wanted more snark and would like to add it in, please feel free to leave word in the comment section, below. Good cheer, Shippers. Fair winds and following seas to you all!

...on Teachers Boinking Students

2010-05-27T10:19:00.002-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2254999/ (05/27/2010) <--- Original Prudie Letter Can Be Found There

Hey-hidey-ho, Shippers! How in the hell are ya on this fine-fine Prudie Day? Here, the birds are chirping, the sky is blue, and there’s not an unemployment letter writer in sight (thank King Neptune, Oh Merciful Ruler of the Raging Main)! It’s going to be a wonderful day! My only complaint (and it’s not really a complaint, truthfully), is, you know how when you plan to wear a garment more than once, like, say, a pair of pants, right? But then you get them all wet and have to forego the second wearing? Yeah, that sucks. But, hell, if that’s the worst thing going on, life is pretty darned good, yes? And so it is with me! As such, let’s get crackin’ on the letters, shall we?

LW#1: Dear Prudie, my mother is a selfish, manipulative, irrational meanie pants! She’s nearly 60, yet just adopted a high-needs child, “Cindy”, on whom my mother has had to call the police due to Cindy’s destructive behavior. That she would adopt Cindy from foster care may seem altruistic, but my mother also keeps other foster children, as many as four high-needs children at a time, and, Prudie, my mom has physical disabilities due to chronic pain. She takes in these kids for the income, not for the children. The situation is just sickening. But that’s not even why I’m writing! My mom is taking a three-week European vacation and has insisted that my sister and I take care of Cindy while she’s gone (the other children will be farmed out to other foster care while my mother is gone). My sister refuses to care for Cindy, not wanting to enable my mother’s bad decision making. My husband, understandably, doesn’t want Cindy in our house with our kids. Yet, my heart breaks for Cindy, who truly is a victim in all of this. What can I do? Signed, Torn Between Duty, Loyalty and Compassion

Dear Torn. There are two ways to look at this. The first way is to ask yourself what you would do if this woman was not your mother, but rather, say, your shitty next door neighbor. Would you call the authorities? Would you tell her to pack sand, even though “Cindy” would be in the same situation? My point is that doing what’s best for Cindy should have nothing to do with your relationship with your mother. If you think Cindy’s in a bad situation that’s only getting worse, you owe it to her to help her, not your mom. And by helping Cindy, I mean contact the authorities if you don’t believe your mom is providing proper care. The second way to look at it, if things aren’t authority-bad, is that you can, if you so choose, reconcile the whole thing by taking care of Cindy over at your mom’s house for the short time that your mom can’t make other arrangements for her care. Surely your husband can take care of your and his kids for, what, a week or so? If not, well, that’s a whole other letter to Prudie. Point is, you’ve got some tough choices to make, but, they’re certainly not unmanageable. If you do decide to help, though, I’d tell your mom “never again!” And I’d mean it. Good luck!

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’m a female grad student who teaches undergrads. I have strong feelings for one of my former students. There’s no possibility that he’ll ever be a student of mine again, and, as such, there are no rules preventing us from “being together”. And while nothing has happened so far, and we haven’t even talked about our feelings, I don’t want to let go of a chance to be with someone for whom I really think I could care deeply. My only concern is how this might look, my dating a former student. What should I do? Signed, Pulled by the Inevitableness of It All

Dear Inevitably (Already) Banging This Dude. Yeah, nothing’s happened and you two haven’t talked about it like I’m built like Michael Phelps, have earned three Ph.D.s, and own a private jet. But, whatever. Point is this: you aren’t going to listen to anyone who tells you to stay away from this guy, so why even ask? But, that aside, my advice is simple: You don’t have to pursue this guy. I know, right? It’s actually that simple. There’s nothing that says you have to go after him except your throbbing nether regions. Amazing, isn’t it, how simple that is? If you say to yourself, “I don’t want to eat that cookie”, then you don’t eat it, right? Or you do. Your choice. Your responsibility. Your consequences. What, you think there’s some greater and more irresistible cosmic force pulling you two together? There’s not. It’s called lust, and it’s well documented. You two were no more fated to a destiny together than Bret Michaels is to one of his many ‘Rock of Love’ shelale milkers. Sure, plenty of fun could be had, but you can find that same fun in all sorts of places. Ultimately, it’s your choice, not Prudie’s, or anyone else’s. But, like I said, you’re already boinking this guy, anyway, so, what’s the point of asking?

LW#3: Dear Prudie, I’ve been diagnosed with lung cancer. I’ve had surgery, followed by chemo and radiation, and I’ll be taking medication for the next two years. The problem is my prognosis. I read that life expectancy for someone with my condition is only about five years. Prudie, I’m 42 with a husband and young kids and I can’t help but feel horrified. All the time. Like my death is just looming. I often can’t help but break down crying. I want to fight this, Prudie, but I need to improve my emotional state. What can I do? Signed, Perhaps Dying, But Not Dead Yet

Greetings Not Dead. Listen, I’m not going to sugar coat this. Your situation sucks big donkey balls, no doubt. And other than if you were the donkey who owned said balls, that’s about as cruddy as it gets. But, I have to say that I’m pretty concerned about something you’ve said. You said that you “read that the life expectancy for someone with my diagnosis”... That’s a huge red flag to me. Listen, I know the Internet is a wonderful thing, full of magic and fairy dust, but it is not a doctor. At all. And neither are you (far as I know). In order to empower yourself, you need to talk to a real live doctor about your specific prognosis. Yours. You need that doctor to examine you, look at your charts, look at your condition, with your specific set of circumstances, and then give you an honest opinion on your life expectancy. Then ask what you can do to improve that time (if it’s not good). Then, talk to another doctor! Information is power, yes, but it has to be correct information, and, please forgive me, but your reading up on life expectancy on your own is like throwing a dart. Sure, you might be aiming at the correct target. But, too, you might be shooting at the wrong board all together. Empower yourself with hard facts from experts. Make a list of very specific questions, get your charts and files and sit down with a doctor and get your questions answered. All of them. And if you’re the least bit intimidated by doctors, take someone with you who is not and who will advocate for you. You can do this! Good luck!

LW#4: Dear Prudie, I’m the only healthy male working in a department of eight people. We have one of those 5-gallon water jug thingies. I’m the only one in the office who can change out the jugs because everyone else is just too damned weak and puny. That would be okay, I guess, except this one bitch who keeps writing me e-mails, asking me to change out the jug when it gets empty! Damn, Prudie, what happened to Women’s Lib? Why does it have to be me? I bring my water from home! Signed, Bitter Water Boy

Dear Bitter. Damn man, you got it rough, don’t’cha? I mean, whew, just reading your letter made me feel for you, Brother. Listen, it’s simple: if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. I mean, wow, that was difficult, huh? Think you’re gonna be fired for not changing out the water jug? How did they do it before you and your manly biceps showed up? But listen, on the other hand, why not just change out the damned jug? I don’t suggest that from ignorance. I’m the mover of water in my department. We have twenty people and some of them really are healthy enough to do it. So why don’t they? Hell, I don’t know. Lazy, I guess? You can actually watch people show up with their cup, notice the empty container and walk away?! Yet, I have a choice. I can spend the less than sixty seconds it takes to do it and forget about it ‘til next time, when, you guessed it, it’ll take me most of a whole other minute or less to do it again, or, I can get all worked up, pissed off, bitter and angry about it. I chose to just change out the water jug. However, I will admit that if anyone wrote me an e-mail, expecting me to do it, I might get a little bent up about it. I mean, how hard is it to get up, come over to my office, flirt with me a little, show me your tits, and then ask me to change out the big, heavy-wevy water bottle?! The nerve of some people!

****
Well shippers, that’s about it, I guess! What a wondrous week it’s been! I hope that the coming weekend treats you all wonderfully, with beautiful weather, happy times spent doing whatever it is you treasure most, and tranquility. Until next time, fair winds and following seas to you, shippers!

...on Paroled Sex Offender Fathers

2010-05-20T16:06:00.002-05:00

http://www.slate.com/id/2254228/ (05/20/2010) <---Original Prudie Letters Can Be Found There

Greetings Shippers! And ahoy to you all! How are ya on this fine, fine Prudie Day? It’s Anniversary Day here at the Lagoon, Shippers! Woo-hoo! Exactly one year ago this week, I started publishing this column (it was in The Fray at the time). And it’s been a great ride! I sincerely appreciate you all for reading each week, and for commenting (in the comment section, below). I think we’ve made a wonderful and fun community together and I sincerely appreciate and enjoy it. As promised, I have written a separate, anniversary-only column made up entirely of reader questions. It’s here: http://submarinersperspective.blogspot.com/2010/05/anniversary-edition-reader-mail.html. But that’s not the purpose of this post. This post is for today’s Prudie letters! And so, to that end, let’s get crackin’!

LW#1: Dear Prudie, I’m a wildly confused little girl who hasn’t yet figured out that I’m in charge of my own life and responsible for the lives of my children. But I’m trying to get there. Honest I am! Well, pretty much, anyway. See, my current husband, who I sort of like, I guess, maybe, isn’t my son’s biological father. My son’s bio father is a convicted sex offender, just getting out of jail. The bio father wants to see our son, but I’m a little nervous about that. Too, my husband wants to adopt our son, but I’m nervous about that, too, as our son may grow to resent me for “making that choice” for him, because, you know, adoption would somehow magically mean that the bio father is no longer in our son’s life. Can you help me figure out what to do, because, frankly, I just don’t know? Signed, Confused in Seattle

Dear Confused, you are a twit. First of all, your husband’s adoption of your son has nothing to do with the bio father seeing the boy. Those are two separate issues. If you don’t want the bio father to see the boy, you can obviously affect that (or attempt to affect it) without adoption, just as adoption won’t preclude bio dad from being allowed to see the boy if the courts allow for it. So that whole discussion is irrelevant. The part about allowing the bio dad to see the son is what’s at issue here and your mommy gene is broken if you can’t figure it out. Either the man is/might be a legitimate danger to your son (e.g. he was convicted of actual child molestation/rape), or, he’s not (which could be the case, regardless of his “sex offender” conviction, because plenty of convicted sex offenders on the registry are guilty of nothing more than being 19 and having sex with 17 year old, or downloading adult material that may or may not have included models below the age of 18--no, I’m not talking pre-pubescent child porn here, obviously. Yet they’re all bundled into the same category of “convicted sex offender”.). So, it’s simple. If this man is/might be a danger, you have to do fucking everything in your power to prevent the boy from seeing him. If he’s not a danger and you just don’t like him, well, sorry, Sister, you have to allow the courts decide the “how” and the “if”. How the fuck hard is that? It has nothing to do with your current husband, who, I know, is just oh-so-fucking-great. It has to do with your job as a mother and this man’s rights as a father. The sooner you recognize those facts, the better.

LW#2: Dear Prudie, I’ve been unemployed for the last two years. In that time, I’ve sent out several thousand résumés, attended several hundred interviews and even bought ad space on the city’s taxi cabs proclaiming my availability. Yet, no job offer. I’ve never been unemployed before and it’s starting to piss me off. Especially when people ask me why I’ve been unemployed for so long! A recruiter recently asked me that exact question and I know good-and-well that I didn’t answer very professionally. What should I do? Signed, Jobless in Seattle

Dear Jobless, So, um, why have you been unemployed these past two years? And before you get all huffity with me, just answer the fucking question! Because, fact is, I know for an absolute fact that you could have found a job, just not one that you wanted or one that would work for you. So, actually try to answer this: why have you been unemployed? Is it because you were looking for a job in your field? That’s a reasonable explanation (and a hell of a lot better than getting all twisted up). Is it that you were looking for a job in a certain pay range? That’s a reasonable explanation, as well. But, “I couldn’t find any jobs at all”? That’s bull shit. The Army is hiring. Right now. And they’re giving tons of waivers for age. Today. Right this minute even! Same with several fast food chains. Hell, my seventeen-year-old daughter has been working for the last nine months at a fast food restaurant and has made shift manager in that time. So, don’t act like you couldn’t get a fucking job. There are shitty jobs galore out there. Quit getting your back up and recognize that you’ve placed certain very reasonable limitations on the jobs you’re looking for, and report that fact to those who asked. There’s no shame in saying that the (insert your area of expertise here) industry has lost 20% of its jobs in the last two years and it’s been tough to even get someone to return a call. Listen, I’m sorry to be so tough on you, but you need it. I know the job market sucks right now, but your anger is misplaced, and it’s going to cost you. Figure out the honest answer to the question and use it!

LW#3: Dear Prudie, my sister-in-law is graduating from a very lah-dee-dah private K-12 school. It’s the same one that my husband and I attended, and the same one that our parents attended. We also have several family members on faculty there. My problem is that my mother-in-law is angry with the school because my sister-in-law is sharing salutatorian honors with another student. Plus, there are co-valedictorians. The MIL sees this as a slight to the SIL, believing that the co-valedictorian and co-salutatorian are unworthy of their respective honors. One for not taking advanced classes like SIL did, and the other for attending an out-of-school internship for a semester. The MIL is filing an official complaint with the school and my husband and I are mortified. We want to send our daughter to the school soon and are afraid our MIL’s rudeness might reflect badly on us and our daughter’s application. What should we do? Can we confront my MIL (my husband’s mom)? Signed, Worried in Seattle

Dear Worried, Oh my fucking god, you didn’t just write in with this fucking question, did you? Seriously? Listen up, and hear me good, you vacuous, entitled bitch. Break the cycle of lunacy! Get the fuck out! Take your husband and child and run far, far away! Get a job across the country (the Army is hiring, did I mention that?). Jesus Christ, you seriously just asked that question? Look, dipshit, you have no control over your MIL and her “official” complaints (what’s that, like, on paper with a watermark or something? Wax seal with family crest?). At all. Got that? If that school punished you for your MIL’s actions, is it really the type of fucked up, petty, entitled, talking-down-its-nose, uppity, backwards, fuctarded school you want for your precious little bundle of priceless princess joy? Seriously? If so, I fear for the future of the world. I really do (well, the future of your daughter’s world, anyway). I even puked in my mouth a little as I read your letter. Listen, I know that you won’t take my advice because, a) you don’t want to lose that inheritance, and, b) you’re too addicted to the status of that school to dare fucking rock the boat now, but I pray that your daughter will heed my advice. Maybe there’s some saving her.

LW#4: Dear Prudie, my boyfriend is going out of town for a conference. While there, he’s going to meet up with a female college buddy. He reports that she’ll sleep on a cot or the couch, but that due to her financial situation, there’s no way she can get her own room. He’s really looking forward to the visit, having not seen his old friend in years, but I won’t have it, Prudie! I’m not running a fucking charity up in here and there’s no way in hell that my man is going to be sleeping in the same room as that whore. What can I do? Signed, Not Yet Boyfriend-less in Seattle

Dear Boyfriend-less, you are a stupid idiot. Do you trust him? Yes? Then what’s the problem. No? Then break the fuck up with him already. It’s really that simple, you horrific bitch. Oh my god! Further, do you really want a boyfriend who’d let his friend sleep on a fucking couch while he was all in the comfy bed? Is chivalry that fucking dead? Just so you know, you’ve already lost your boyfriend. I’m only giving you this advice for next time in case you want to actually keep one instead of causing them to go running like you’ve already done here. Or, you can keep acting like a lunatic and maybe you’ll attract someone who’ll put up with that shit. That’ll be very fulfilling for you, I’m sure. Your choice, though.

****
Well, shippers, that’s about it! So, as we embark on this next year, I’d like to wish each of you fair winds and following seas. Please continue to call me out, keep me sharp and kick my ass when needed (right there in the comments section, below). And, don’t forget to check out the special Anniversary Actual Mail from Actual Readers Edition right here: http://submarinersperspective.blogspot.com/2010/05/anniversary-edition-reader-mail.html. Good cheer, all!

From A Submariner's Perspective

(NEW!!!) ...on Sisters, Brothers, Mothers and even Extended Family

...on a Cat Woman, a Princess, a Jewess, and a Reasonable Writer

...on Creepers, Skeeves, Painters and Pricks

...on Heathens, Idiots, Pearls, and Bikinis

...on *Professional* Strength Viagra!!!

...on More Assholes Than I Can Shake A Stick At!

Smagboy Bows Out of the Snark Game...For Now

...on Anal, Pregnant, Divorced Dinner Partiers!

...on Sex Offenders, Gift Un-givers, Fired Colleagues, and Cheaters

...on Crazy Exes, Crazy Bank Mistakes (or not), and Crazy Crazies!

...on Potentially-Gay Sons In Skirts and Not-So-Potential Asshole Husbands-in-Law

...on Control Freak Boyfriends and Various Holiday Cheer

...on Sexy Time with Teacher, SIDS, Family Christmas and More!

...on Fetishes, Wreckages, Christmases and Vegas Trips

...on Overbearing Moms, Sister-Brides, Jobs, and Dr. Husbands

...on Lies, Family and Cheating Times Two

...on Addicted, Mean, Smelly Family

...on Yard Sex, Senility, Lying and Drama

...on Micro-Penises and Macro-Egos

...on Denial, Dental Transgressions, Human Trafficking and Unwitting Nannies

...on Fake Happiness, Sadness, Angst and Ownership

...on Swingers, Retirement, Fast Food Careers and Fraud

...on Past Teachers, Present Nipples and Two Spoiled Girls

...on Creepy, Angry In-Laws, the Past, the Present and the Future

...on Finances, Flingers, Families and Pharmacy Friends

...on Babylessness, Academic Honesty and Mysterious Death

...on Assault, Asperger's and Alternatives to Mournful Travel

...on Family Fears, Fuck-ups and Frothy Loins (not necessarily in that order)

...on Parents of Every Disposition (except "Good")

...on Paternity, Prosecution and Pugilism

...on Bountiful Brows and Butt-Hurt Brides

...on Emotional Abuse, Manipulation, and Putting On Adult Undies

...on Masturbators and Manipulators

...on Stupid Drunken Puking Interns, Among Others

...on Weddings, Litigators and Sisters

...on Dancing, Destructive Boyfriends and Scabies

...on Father's Day Issues Galore

...on Learning Mommy Was A Real Person, Too

...on Masturbating in the Law Office (and other offenses)

...on Teachers Boinking Students

...on Paroled Sex Offender Fathers

...on Professional Strength Viagra!!!